Gail was absolutely loving how comfortable she was becoming with Holly and the direction their relationship was taking. Holly felt exactly the same. However, neither one had the courage enough to talk about it and there was a lot that they should technically talk about. Unfortunately, both were terrified about rocking the boat.
One random Friday night, Holly had no choice but to talk to Gail about something important. Something that may or may not change the nature of their relationship. She was actually quite scared.
She and Gail sat on the couch in Rachel's place watching a movie together. Holly was trying to focus on the movie, while at the same time, really trying to decide how she was going to bring up the topic she really needed to talk to Gail about.
"Okay, are you ever going to relax?" Gail chuckled. She had her arm around Holly's shoulders as Holly leaned into her. Holly was playing nervously with the buttons on Gail's shirt. Gail could feel how tense Holly was.
Holly sat up to look at Gail. "Um…I…um…"
Gail straightened up to face Holly. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes, um…I…I just…well…you know…um…" Holly stumbled.
"Okay, you are starting to worry me. What is going on?" Gail asked, concern clearly etched across her face. "Are you leaving again?"
"No, no, no" Holly smiled, reaching forward for Gail's hand. "Quite the opposite really. I…um…have purchased my own place to move into."
Gail let out a big sigh of relief. "Oh, I see. Um…congratulations. I didn't know you had been looking," Gail said with a shrug.
"Well, I wasn't really looking, but it just came up and it is perfect, and so I jumped on the opportunity," Holly explained. "I hope you aren't upset with me," she added, sensing that something was not quite right with Gail.
"No of course I'm not upset," Gail said, shaking her head, "Um…I guess I thought I would have been more involved in the house hunting. But just ignore me. I'm just being silly," she added with a wave of her hand.
"You are not being silly," Holly said, pulling Gail's hand into her lap, forcing her to look at her. "Trust me, you are not being silly at all. The only reason you weren't included more is because this place came up out of the blue, and I didn't want to pass on the opportunity. I haven't officially finalized anything yet, really," Holly explained.
"You've lost me," Gail said with a weak smile. "I thought you said you purchased it already."
"Um, well, it is unofficially mine. I have paid for it, I just need to finish signing the paperwork."
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
"Um…I actually bought my grandma's place. She decided she wanted to downsize and move into a retirement village with all her friends, and so she offered me the house. I bought it for a few measly thousand and a promise to have lunch with her once a month," Holly smiled. "We are going to the lawyers on Monday to finalize everything."
"Oh, wow, that's amazing. Is this what you have been so uptight about tonight? This is wonderful news, you shouldn't be worried about sharing this with me."
"Um…yes and no," Holly said, looking down at their intertwined fingers. "Um…the house is huge and well, I've really loved spending time with you, and I want to spend every moment I have with you and so I was wondering if you wanted to move in with me," shyly looking back up at Gail.
"You want me to move in with you? Like as a housemate or something more?" Gail asked cautiously. This was a big step for both of them. For Pete's sake, she hasn't even told Holly that she loves her and now Holly is asking her to move in.
"Well, that's up to you. Gail, I want to spend as much time as I can with you. I was stupid to move to San Francisco. I regretted it the moment I stepped on to the plane. I don't want to waste this second chance with you," Holly said honestly.
Gail just sat there, mouth open, taking in everything Holly was saying. She wasn't really sure how to respond. On one hand, she desperately wanted to say yes and throw her arms around Holly in celebration. On the other hand…
"But I mean, if this all too fast, we can just forget I said anything," Holly continued when Gail failed to say anything.
Gail sat there, looking at Holly, trying to digest everything that Holly was saying. On the other hand…she was terrified.
Holly took a deep breath, trying to settle her fear, before continuing. "I…um…I think maybe I misjudged where we are in this relationship. Please forget I said anything. Let's just keep watching the movie," Holly said, trying very hard to push down her feelings and hold back the tears that were on the verge of escaping. She flopped back down on the couch, staring hard at the screen before her.
Gail sat there. Looking at Holly. Looking at the woman she was madly in love with. Looking at the woman who, she was pretty sure, loved her too. Looking at the one who wanted her to move in with her. So why was Gail so worried? Why wasn't she over the moon and celebrating this next step with Holly instead of saying nothing?
She quietly reached out and took a hold of Holly's hand.
Holly ignored the gesture, refusing to look away from the TV.
"Sweetie, Holly, look at me," Gail said softly.
Holly merely shook her head no.
Gail slid off the couch and crouched in front of Holly. She reached up to hold both of Holly's hands in her own. "Holly, please" Gail pleaded gently.
Holly slowly drew her eyes to the woman kneeling before her.
Gail smiled softly at her. "I desperately want to move in with you, but I think you should move in first, get used to being on your own again and having your own place, and in a little while, when you are comfortable and settled, ask me again."
Holly's heart plummeted. Gail didn't want to move in with her. She knew it was all too good to think otherwise. She quickly pulled her hands away from Gail. "Um…yeah…um…that's cool" she said standing up. She began backing away from the room. Her head was a whirlwind of mixed messages. "Of course. No worries. It was just a thought," she rambled.
"Wait, Holly, please let me explain," Gail said, quickly getting up off the floor and walking towards Holly.
"No, it's okay. Nothing to explain. I get it. We're just not there yet. I should have given it more thought before suggesting it. Um...yeah," Holly said, as she dodged Gail's hands that were reaching out for her own. She quickly moved to the other side of the room.
"Please, Holly, can you stop for a minute?" Gail said, coming to stand close to Holly, but not too close. "Please let me explain."
Holly stopped moving and looked at Gail. "What is there to explain? It is crystal clear. You don't want to move in together," Holly said, her voice dripping with pain even though she tried to seem as unaffected as possible.
Gail continued. "I do want to move in with you. I desperately want to spend every moment with you that I can, but I also know that you are still getting settled. I don't want us to regret this," she said motioning between them, "I don't want to regret rushing into it when you haven't fully settled into being here. What if, once this whole whirlwind calms down, what if you realize I'm not really the person for you and that I don't really fit into your life?" Gail asked honestly. "I don't want to risk it. I want us to go slow, and I want you to be sure."
"But I am sure, Gail. I've always known you are the one for me," Holly said.
"I know that," Gail interrupted. "I feel the same about you, but I still think it is best that we wait and that you settle into your house before we take this next step."
"Of course," Holly said, her shoulders visibly slumping. "We can go as slow as you need." She knew that she had promised Gail this at the very beginning, but now that Gail is actually requesting it, it was painful. "Um…I think I'm going to get some sleep. It's been a long day and I promised I would help Susan run some errands tomorrow."
"Holly, please, I'm sorry if I hurt you."
"No, no, you are right. We should slow things down," Holly said without looking up. "I said that we would go at your pace, and so it is totally cool that we slow things down."
"Okay…do you want me to stay over?" Gail asked hesitantly.
"You can if you want. Susan wants to get going at the crack of dawn so I will be up early."
"Um…well then I guess I will go and let you get some rest," Gail shrugged. This was definitely not how she wanted this evening to go. She was kicking herself thinking about how it would have all turned out different if she just said yes like she really wanted to.
"Okay, well I will see you later," Holly said, void of any emotion as she walked towards the front door.
Gail quickly picked her coat off the rack. She really didn't want to leave, especially when it was clear how badly she had hurt Holly, but at the same time, she knew it was best to just give both of them some space. She leaned up and gave Holly a quick kiss on the cheek before making her way out the door.
Once the door was shut behind Gail, Holly burst out into tears.
Gail texted Holly when she got home, but she heard no reply. She would have assumed that Holly had gone to bed already, but she knew better. She knew Holly was just ignoring her. She couldn't blame her. Holly was hurt and it was all because of Gail. Gail got ready for bed and quietly slid between the sheets. She didn't sleep a wink that night.
