ichi.
SAKURA GENTLY RAN HER fingers across the soft, barely there pinpricks of hair at the back of her head. The knots had been too large to untangle without time and copious amounts of conditioner, and while she lamented the loss of growth, she found she quite liked the style. There was enough hair left on the top of her head that it could easily cover the uneven lengths of hair clinging to the bottom half of her scalp. She peered at herself through a small hand mirror Tsunade had provided her and didn't like what she found. She looked too pale, malnourished, and the once healthy glow she had when she was free had vanished. She looked every bit the prisoner they had made her to be.
Any hope she had previously shriveled up and died when she looked at the crimson mark upon her forehead. When she touched it experimentally, it zinged! into the back of her brain where she felt strange bolts of electricity bounce back and forth within and route back to the mark. It was a very harsh reminder that she was no longer Sakura Haruno—she was someone else, someone who killed her teammates because her pride wouldn't let her admit to her own weakness.
She gave Tsunade the mirror and pointedly ignored the curious look the Hokage sent her out of the corner of her eye.
"Your trial will be as straightforward as it can be, given the circumstances." Tsunade tucked the mirror into her pocket with a sigh. She looked tired, as well, as she always did since she had become Hokage. Using sake as her coping mechanism didn't do her any good, either, despite her younger appearance; Sakura could see it weighing on her, the drag of age and idleness. "I don't think there's much you can do in your own defense except to be honest; if you're lucky, the elders might put you in for an extended prison stay—or they could also execute you outright."
"Isn't that what everyone wants though?" Sakura pulled her knees to her chest and squeezed them in an attempt to comfort herself. She didn't have Naruto to reassure her that everything was okay; he was outside of the village, tracking down an errant Sasuke—his life had boiled down into an endless chase of their former teammate. It was all he could think about the last time she had seen him, his mind focused on dragging him back to Konoha even if it was the last thing the Uchiha wanted for himself. He would hate her, too, for this. "For me to be executed?"
Tsunade frowned. "They want answers, Sakura. The families of the men and women you killed, the wives and husbands and sons and daughters—they all want to know why you did it."
She closed her eyes, faces flashing through her mind in a quick succession. Yamanaka eyes; Hyuuga eyes; the large frame of an Akamichi, smiling, offering her slices of fruit. "I guess they'll be disappointed when they learn it was because I lost my abilities and killed them instead because of my own stupidity."
"You underestimate them, Sakura." The blonde woman shook her head slowly and gathered up the worn and dirty clothes she had left hanging on the side of the basin. "They're going to hate you for it. It's your decision whether or not you give them further reason to hate you even more, or prove them wrong and make up for your mistakes."
Sakura opened her eyes and stared obstinately at the wall, listening to the words unsaid: if they even accept your apology to begin with.
She didn't expect acceptance at all.
When Sakura took her first step outside in months, the sun made her eyes water uncontrollably. It was no longer winter within Konoha—not that she had ever favored it to begin with—but autumn, the trees turning from green to a myriad of shades between orange, red, and yellow hues. The grass beneath her shoes was crisp, on the verge of decaying and preparing for the next winter, and filled the air with a familiar scent she hadn't been sure she would ever experience ever again. The sun was comforting and warm as it surrounded her in a suffocating embrace, her skin already starting to turn rusty red with a sunburn. She didn't mind it, though—it was almost a reminder of the life she had lied to keep and lost.
"Sakura." Kakashi stood, waiting for her outside the doors of the prison complex. He was early and nearly on time, Icha Icha Paradise's sienna cover just barely visible from behind his back, tucked away into his pocket. He looked as tired as Sakura felt, dark eye bags highly visible against his skin, so much so that it looked as if he had earned two right hooks to both eyes. "Are you ready? Or do you want to bask in the sun some more?"
Once, she might have thought he was teasing. But the look in his eye, the tone of his voice, all denoted that he was serious, that he would risk being late if she wanted to sit in the sun and burn just a little bit longer, to feel the freedom that had been taken from her by her own actions. She considered it, momentarily, looking to the sky. The light burned her eyes and a single teardrop fell from her right eye and slid down her cheek. "No."
"Alright then." He looked unsure, then, eyeing the ANBU guards that stood behind her in their respective Raccoon and Panda masks. She had never seen them before until now, but she knew that Kakashi didn't recognize them, either, and it was most likely a deliberate move on the council's part. "Let's go then."
The walk to the Hokage tower and, consequently, the council chambers where her trial would be held, was not a peaceful procession. People, ninja and civilians alike—faces she didn't recognize, she thought with some relief, even though guilt gnawed at her heart—screamed at her, got so close that spittle flew in her face when they yelled obscenities at her. When words failed, they began throwing rotten fruit, vegetables, and even pots of molding and old food. Several slices of sour cantaloupe slid down her cheek, juices clinging to her skin, gnats flocking to the scent. Her ANBU did nothing to prevent them from chucking a pot of scalding chicken broth on her, either. They were for the public's safety, not hers; and even so, they wouldn't have stopped them even if they had been ordered to, she figured.
When it touched her skin, burned like acid and lit her body on fire, she didn't scream. Burnt, acrid flesh was not a pleasant odor, and combined with the chicken broth, it sent several civilians away with nausea. She could hear them exclaiming over the stench with their faces pulled into looks of disgust, both at the people who had thrown it (fondly, because it was 'justified', however bad it smelled) and at Sakura as she trudged by, her skin livid red and breaking into fever. The flesh of her arm, some of her neck, and flecks on her cheek would scar, if the agonizing pain sending her brain into a white fog was any indication.
Kakashi, walking ahead of her at a leisurely pace, was forced to remain impartial. She could understand him, of course, in that aspect. The village would turn on him, too, and then he would truly have nothing left. His team was disbanded, Naruto had devolved into a man on an impossible mission and false hopes, Sasuke had left the village and become Orochimaru's apprentice and, afterwards, his killer, and Sakura, his final remaining student, had become his protege, his perfect copy—a friend killer, a ninja killer, just as he was.
Perhaps, Sakura thought as she fixed her gaze on Kakashi's shoes, fate worked in very obvious, very deliberate ways, and was not as mysterious as anyone ever said it was.
Sakura arrived at the Hokage tower dripping with steaming chicken broth, mold clinging to her clothes from various entrees of old food, and reeking of weeks old tea that was just on the verge of becoming kombucha. Shizune waited for them, her face harsh and pale and completely emotionless. If she had any opinion on her former friend's crimes, she gave no indication of it, her mouth pulled into a straight, thin line, her lips as white as her face.
"They have already convened and arrived at a verdict." Shizune's dark eyes darted to Sakura momentarily, the pain there deep and unfathomable, and then back to Kakashi, flicking over the ANBU guards and the growing crowd rioting around the entrance of the building. "Her presence wasn't necessary."
Her. As if she was a thing to be spoken of, an object. Once that might have angered Sakura, might have forced her into an enraged spiel, but the only emotion she could muster up at the derogatory tone was faint irritation that was suffused by the harsh throb of the burns on her arm.
"Tsunade's orders." Kakashi shrugged. He glanced back at her, then at her burns, and sighed. "At least heal her. Those burns could get infected—"
"I am under order not to provide care to Sakura Haruno under any circumstances." Shizune shifted uncomfortably at that. "As is the rest of the village. Basic necessities, and nothing more."
Her former sensei said nothing else and Sakura refused to open her mouth and beg Shizune of all people to heal her. She should have been able to heal herself, yet she had not even a scrap of medical chakra to speak of and risked cutting off her own arm in the process. It would probably be preferable to the festering, infected blisters she would gain in the coming days—if she was even alive to experience it.
She suffered in her own silence, closing her eyes against the pinpricks of hot white light that threatened to send her into unconsciousness. It was easy to block out the pain when she was stuck in her head; her pain tolerance was high, but without the help of her seal, of Tsunade's healing advice and her medical chakra, she was reduced to biting her lips to stop herself from squalling and collapsing onto the wooden floor beneath her feet. Blood flowed into her mouth, metallic and bitter, like the blood that flowed from her teammates' veins.
Sakura didn't know how long she stood there in a half daze, flanked by her ANBU and Shizune and Kakashi talking quietly in front of her in short, stilted sentences. Their opposing affections for her prevented them from talking casually; Kakashi's guilt prevented him from hating her and Shizune's righteous sense of justice prevented her from offering her even a shred of pity. They spoke in whispers, so she could barely make out what they were saying, but she could read lips as well as any ninja; mentions of war, famine, disease—which made no sense to her, for what could have happened in the span of five months?
"Shizune. Kakashi." Tsunade's descent down the staircase, assisted by the wooden handrail, was slow and awkward. She was a little too hunched over, favoring her right hip and leaning heavily on the wall to support herself. Her gaze darted to Sakura. "Sakura. You came here for nothing. The decision has been made. I'm sorry."
Kakashi stilled to the point that she wondered if he was even breathing. "They're going to execute her?"
"Execution… would be a mercy at this point." Tsunade produced a scroll from her pocket. Shizune's strangled gasp was loud enough that it caught the attention of the ANBU. It was a thin scroll, no bigger than an index finger, and lined with gold and red trim. Sakura had never seen such a scroll in all her life, but with the way Kakashi went pale and Tsunade looked so defeated, she had to wonder what fate could be so awful, so terrible that even her nonchalant, uncaring teacher would appear to be frightened and disgusted. "The orders are clear and the vote was unanimous. Sakura Haruno will be given to ANBU, given a rank within the War Operations party, and shipped to the frontlines by dawn tomorrow."
Shizune inhaled sharply. "It's a death sentence in its own right."
"Sakura isn't suited for war," Kakashi advised, voice breaking slightly. "They couldn't agree on anything else? Not even execution?"
Tsunade shook her head slowly, guiltily. "Execution was too clean for them. A prison sentence was a slap on the wrist. The people wanted blood—so they gave it to them. Let her spill it for the name of the village, for the people they lost, they said."
"And what if she survives?" Sakura couldn't ignore the thread of concern that wove through Shizune's question. "What about after the war?"
Tsunade looked at Sakura, then, her mouth turned downwards into a deep frown. "Then she may be free; but she can never return to Konoha."
Nothing else needed to be said. Tsunade passed the scroll to Kakashi and vanished back up the stairs to her office, Shizune following without a glance back. The ANBU removed the chakra cuffs on her wrists, and while it might have felt like a cooling sensation when it returned to her system, all she felt was pins and needles, her nodes brimming to life with malicious energy. She rubbed her wrists tenderly, avoiding the burns as much as she could, and felt Kakashi's hand land on her shoulder, squeezing it gently.
"Come on." He veered her towards the back exit, where the crowd wouldn't be able to see her. "We'll go to my apartment, fix you up, and grab some supplies. Then… Then we wait."
Wait for her inevitable departure and then, most likely, her death, of which Kakashi would probably never hear about.
"Kakashi-sensei?" She croaked. She could feel tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, burning her lash line and a knot forming in her throat. "Can I ask you for a favor?"
He paused, hand reaching for the knob of the exit. "Of course, Sakura."
"Take care of my parents for me, please." Sakura blinked rapidly to clear the tears from her eyes, the pain in her arm dulled to a numb sensation. If she hadn't lost all of the nerves in it, she would count it as a blessing, even if she deserved it. "Without me, I don't think they…"
"Don't worry." Kakashi ruffled her hair with a playful hand. It wasn't quite as effective as it had been when it was shorter, but she could feel the affection within it besides. "I'll watch over them, Sakura, I promise you."
"Thank you," she whispered, and he pushed open the door, sunlight spearing through the crack and enveloping her in its oppressive warmth once more.
That night, if Kakashi had any complaints about Sakura sneaking into his room and hugging him tightly, sobs wracking her lithe frame for the first time in months, he didn't say anything. If she noticed him hug her back, tears running delicate rivers down the striped pillowcase he laid his head on, she gave no indication, pouring her soul out for possibly the last time in the safety of the arms of someone she loved.
Dawn broke, and with it, so did the remnants of Kakashi's heart.
