Episode 2: Getting To Know You

In my line of work, I'm required to look nice. It comes with the territory. You just don't walk into someone's house in a faded tee and ripped jeans and tell them they have a ghost problem. You have to look official, which means a suit and tie. More to the point, it means an itchy suit and a tie that chokes you. Because looking nice is all about being as uncomfortable as possible. As I rummaged through the racks of light blue Nook n' Chain uniforms in the back of the store, I realized a new dimension of discomfort. I finally decided on the one that made me chafe the least and marched out to model myself to my new boss.

"It looks a little tight," Tom Nook said, "but the price was right!" He threw back his head and laughed. "Now that you're all set up, let's get you off to work! I bet you can't wait to see your new house, hm? No, I should hope you cannot!" Nook chuckled. "Let's just call it motivation, hm?"

At this moment, the only motivation I had was a vision of Nook strapped to some sort of torture device. Wouldn't that be nice, hm?

"Take this to Bluebear, please," Nook said, thrusting a leaf into my hand.

"A leaf?" I turned it around and held it up high, looking at it from below. "Oh, I get it! This is a--"

My finger grazed the switch. A full-sized loveseat sprang into existence and promptly crushed me under its weight.

"--leaf compression system," I squeaked as Nook scrambled to re-compress the item.

"I suppose I should have warned you." Nook helped me up and then returned the leaf back to me. "Oh well, no harm done! Right? And if there is..." Nook leaned in close to me, his eyes intense. "Keep quiet about it. Those workers' compensation people are relentless!"

Unsure of how to reply to that, I just nodded.

"Well then, off with you!" Nook said jovially. "And no lolligagging now!" Nook shoved me out the door. I struggled to regain my footing and nearly fell into the brook running alongside the store. I stopped there for a moment, admiring the soft churning of the water, when the calm sound was abruptly replaced by the sound of Nook's voice in my mind: Get to work! it snapped. Great, I thought to myself, now he's in my mind.

Shaking my head, I went off in search of Bluebear, hoping that the search would be as obvious as I thought. Off to the north, a short distance away, there was a blue bear facing the river. Jackpot.

"Excuse me," I said to the bear as I approached, "are you Bluebear?"

"No," said the female voice. She turned, an angry look on her face and a net in one hand, "I'm not Bluebear, I'm Redbear. Red as in angry at you for what you made me do!" She growled and clutched the net. "I almost had that ladybug! Now I'll get you instead!" My eyes widened in horror as she raised the net over her head. I ducked out of the way just as she brought it down to the ground. She picked it up, swung again, and there were suddenly several birds and stars impeding my view of her. Through the pain, I could see her readying for another swing. I threw up my hands and braced for the onslaught.

"What are you doing?" said another female voice. I dropped my hands and saw a brown-and-white koala in floral print in front of me.

"Melba!" The anger left Bluebear's face, and she gazed at the net in her hand with a confused look. "What was I doing?"

"You were beating up the delivery boy with a net!" Melba said, her hands on her hips. They both looked at me as I held out the leaf in my hand.

"It's your loveseat," I explained. "It was lovely, indeed."

Melba took it. "Thank you, Mr...?"

"Edgar," I said, "from Capitaltown. I'm just visiting."

"Nice to meet you," Melba said. "Now, if you'll excuse us, I'm going to go calm Bluebear down." She put one hand on Bluebear's shoulder and guided her away. "I know how you like my gyroids, so I thought I might play the timpanoid suite. That's your favorite, isn't it?"

"Wait a sec," I said as they walked off, "did you say gyroids?"

"Yes..." Melba said, turning back

"You've gotta be kidding, right?" I suppressed laughter. "Those are the most annoying things in the world!"

Melba's face hardened and I felt a chill run up my spine.

"What did you say!"

"Umm...nothing!" I said, my voice cracking. "Nothing at all!"

"Give me that net," Melba growled. After that, everything went black.

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"Oh, good, you're coming to!" I heard as my eyes slowly opened and let light in. "I was afraid I'd have to dock more pay."

I groaned as Tom Nook came into view.

"We thought you were dead!" said Nook's nephew, whose name I had been told was Timmy.

"-dead!" And that would be Tommy, late as usual. Looking at Tom Nook rubbing his hands together in glee, I suddenly wanted to take the nephews' suggestion.

"What happened?" I murmured, rubbing the knot in my head where I had been struck. "I said something about gyroids, and then--"

Nook cut me off with his raucous laughter. "You insulted gyroids? In front of Melba, the queen of gyroids?" Nook doubled over laughing. "Oh, that is too good!"

"What are you, a moron?"

"...moron?" I glared down at Nook's nephews.

"No matter," Nook said, straightening up, "You haven't lost that much time. Let's get you off your feet, hrm? Then we shall pretend this never happened." Nook gave a stout nod as I got to my feet, nearly losing my balance. "After all, the delivery was successful. Just take these and be off!" Nook handed me a stack of leaves, with notes attached, and gave me a curt wave.

As I stepped outside, I could tell that it was well past noon, as the sun was past its zenith and heading toward the horizon. I flipped through the stack of deliveries and saw that none of them were for Melba. Breathing a sigh of relief, I got to work.

By the time I finished, the sun had neared the horizon and the sky was laced with pink and orange. My body ached from all the walking and my mind was full of useless information. I was unable to ascertain any problems with the villagers, but I did learn all about their sordid love lives and favorite foods. Apparently, Cube has a crush on Olivia, who has a crush on Big Top, who has a crush on Agent S, who has a crush on vanilla bean cheesecake. I lurched forward as my brain, trying to reprocess all that information, decided to punish me for listening by making my temple throb. Massaging my forehead to alleviate the pain, I caught sight of Melba coming up to me. Seeing no place to hide, I instead approached her.

"I'm sorry," we said at the same time.

"Huh?" I jumped back a bit. "You go--"

"No, you go--"

"Well..." I scratched my head. "It was inappropriate of me to make such a comment about your favorite thing. I didn't know you liked gyroids so much, but ignorance is no excuse."

"Well..." Melba stabbed the ground with her foot. "I don't know what got into me. It's like this power came over me and I felt the need to, well..." She smiled and her cheeks went flush.

"Beat me over the head with a bug-catching net," I said.

"Right." Melba chuckled. "Anyway, I wanted to give you something to make up for what I did. I left it at your doorstep. Just consider it a token of sincere apology." Melba curtsied to me and left. I watched her go as new ideas ran through my head. A power that induces the need for violence...

I returned to Nook n' Chain with my hands empty of deliveries. Nook greeted me at the door.

"Excellent work!" he said, clapping his hands. "And punctual, too. I do say this more than makes up for earlier." He nodded vigorously to support his last point. "Why don't you go see your new home?"

"Thank you, sir!" I said, feeling a great sense of relief. "Same time tomorrow?"

"Oh, that won't be necessary," Nook replied, waving me off. "You've got work to do, Mr. Paranormal Investigator. Just don't break anything! Repair costs are expensive, hm?" With that, he shut the door.

A cold breeze whipped past my face as I strolled along the cobblestone path to my house. Its blue roof was the first thing that rose up to greet me as I approached it. More features of the house emerged as I neared. It had its own cobblestone clearing and a mailbox planted out front. Size-wise, it wasn't much to write home about--it was slightly larger than my own apartment back in Capitaltown--but it would do nicely. The simple wooden door had a box at its foot. I picked it up and saw a simple note that said "From Melba--Enjoy!" I took the box in one hand and opened the door.

The last of the sunlight poured in through the window, illuminating the interior well enough for me to see the furnishings. There was a twin-size bed with polished brown handles and blankets stacked atop its mattress. A tea table and two chairs were tucked into one corner, next to the refrigerator and microwave. A writing desk straddled the opposite corner. Wow, I thought as I plopped down onto the bed, Nook sure knows how to decorate. I stretched out on the bed, kicking my shoes onto the carpet, and admired the ornate wallpaper. This is perfect.

A sudden thud jolted me out of my bliss. The box that contained Melba's gift swayed slightly and then settled back down. Raising one eyebrow, I grabbed it and looked inside.

"...dekkoid!" said the thing inside.

"...dekkoid?" I said weakly, my eye twitching. I pulled out the gyroid, a small figurine with a blank expression, and placed it onto the floor facing the doorway.

Thanks, Melba. I shook my head and flopped back onto the bed. So much for sleep tonight.