So originally I rated this fic M just incase, but I am really not going to put anything in here that is an M rated scene soooo…. Yeah… but do proceed with caution please.

Note: this story is not centered around 363 but it is in there (read warning below).

Warning: 363, so there are Sanzo x Goku relations but no outright yaoi though it may be implied later, I do not know yet. All I can say is that I will not be writing a full on sex scene so no worries. Also it is probable that roundabout 5885 will also come into the picture, though once again no yaoi. … I will stick to shounen-ai and cute happy moments in this fic.

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or any of its characters.

Happy days and vivid nights to all!

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Ch 1: Fate Sucks

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"Hohohohohohohohohoho!" the high pitched laughter peeled through the air and Sanzo party recoiled with abhorrence.

"Yeesh, what a witch," the redhead commented as his blade retracted.

Goku's face was wrinkled with disgust, "bet that tastes really bad," his ever present thoughts of food came out in customary dialogue.

Neither Sanzo nor Hakkai said anything but both stood near their brothers in arms all equally repulsed by youkai before them.

She was huge and bulging, wearing smaller clothing than should have ever been permitted on the 400 plus pound creature. "You know boys," she licked the tip of her finger then made a circular motion just above her breast, "I'm a lonely demon." +sigh+. Her long black hair was greasy as she twirled it around while equally black shining eyes stared out over the four warriors.

An aggravated Gojyo grimaced, "Goku! Go get her!" he commanded as he pointed with his weapon at the youkai.

"Uh-uh! I'm not touching that!" Golden eyes shuddered and looked away from the sickening sight.

The kappa would have none of it, he reached out a hand and gripping the youth's clothes flung him towards the demon, "do what you're told stupid monkey!"

Goku flailed and barely managed to produce his precious Nyoibou to prevent landing on the filthy heap of a creature.

POOF!

Suddenly she was skinny to the point of revulsion, "don't touch me! Rape! Rape! Get away!" she was shrieking hysterically and scooting back from Goku.

Sanzo growled low in his chest and he tried to cover his bleeding ears as the screeches continued.

"Goddammit! Dumb chimp! Look what you did!" Gojyo yelled at Goku while fleeing the noise by sticking both fingers in his ears.

Goku would have retaliated had he been able to hear the kappa. But presently he felt like his brain was being scrabbled as the piercing cries crushed his senses.

A gun shot sounded though it was barely audible above the shrieks.

Silence…

Sanzo stood with one arm outstretched holding his smoking gun while the other hand clamped tight on an ear. "fftt… Pathetic," lowering his arms the monk walked over to look at his handiwork.

The shot was clean and blood pooled around the back of her head. Sanzo kicked an arm as if to ascertain the reality of death. Her body flopped a bit; satisfied the blonde turned his back on her.

A bizarre chant emptied from dead lips "ai… smench… blun… zhenay… hayn… xet… tolly… ray…"

Sanzo whipped around in time to be hit with a concealed force of vast magnitude. His step wavered and he had to widen his stance in order to remain standing. "Ugh!"

Goku sprang in front of his teacher and pointed the Nyoibou at the bloodied youkai.

A blade, followed in short order by a ki blast, hit the fiend and her body disintegrated. Her wicked cackling resonated around them even though she had vanished from existence.

Worried, Goku spun around to face Sanzo, "Sensei! Are you okay!"

WHACK!

"Be quiet," Sanzo's mystical fan of divine punishment disappeared back into thin air. The priest had felt with every nerve the blast from the demon but decided that whatever the chant was it had been left unfinished. He had no signs or symptoms that he knew naturally came with a curse and since that is what the youkai had been attempting he concluded that he was safe.

Climbing back into Jeep the four men set out on their usual path… West…

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When the she-demon had attacked they had been driving for three days without a proper bed or meal and every one of them was irritable. Even Hakkai the, generally, level headed good mannered brunette was beginning to get testy. This of course meant that the rest of the bunch was twice as moody as normal and on top of it all neither Sanzo nor Gojyo had any cigarettes left.

Smash! Thunk! Jab! Crack!

Gojyo and Goku wrestled in the back. The redhead pinned the monkey beneath his elbow and whacked the youths head against hard metal.

Had it been any other than the saru himself they would have been out cold but as it was Goku's thick skull saved him once again. "BAKA!" he shouted and thrust his knee upward jabbing Gojyo in a very sensitive place.

"Nuh!" the kappa rolled off Goku and wilted, falling under the seat.

"Stupid pervert," Goku didn't have the energy to continue his retaliation but none the less, after returning to his seat, he swung his legs back and forth kicking Gojyo each time.

Within ten or twenty minutes the redhead regained his composure and began to beat on his shortest traveling companion once more.

In the front seat Hakkai was far to parched to even sputter one 'maa maa' and Sanzo was seriously contemplating putting his gun to his own head. But that thought didn't last long...

Click… Bang+ricochet+ Ping!

Movements in the rear ceased, the still frame image revealed long fingers clamped around Goku's neck and shorter fingers pulling to the splitting point the kappa's lips. Retracting their limbs slowly the boys moved and sat in their respective seats as Sanzo glared like death at them.

"Ah, a city," Hakkai said thankfully as he breathed in rigidly, stress cracking in his voice.

And indeed, looming ahead of them was a large and bustling metropolis at the center of which sat an institution of mammoth proportions.

Squabbling forgotten Goku let out a spunky whoop! And nearly fell from the vehicle.

"Don't fall out monkey, we're not stopping to scrape you from the pavement," the priests tone was as gritty as usual.

Feeling his heart lift a little Hakkai pushed down on the pedal as they sped towards the comforts of society.

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"Wow!" Goku could not help letting an exclamation escape his lips as they entered the ornate and decorative hotel Sanzo had selected.

The monk ordered two rooms next to one another and walked assertively away from the counter leaving the three men he traveled with to bring up their belongings.

When the task of putting away baggage had been completed Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku ambled downstairs to the dinning area. Where they found the monk, he was puffing away and playing a game of Mahjongg.

Click….click…………click,click,click…. The tiles were noisily moved from one place to another. The two brunettes and the redhead arranged themselves around the table and all relaxed as they took in the scene around them.

The hotel was large, four or five stories tall and nearly a city block in width and length. The architecture was reminiscent of European Gothic and its location near one of the city canals made it quite a peaceful spot.

The dining room itself was decorated with a rather lot of draping white cloth and vases of blue asters. The assorted tropical plant looming in a corner was not so uncommon either.

"This has got to be one of the nicer places we've stayed," Gojyo said not talking about the building.

A pretty young thing walked over to the table, "what can I get for you gentlemen?" Her pigtails bobbed as she happily giggled.

"I know what I want," Gojyo wrapped an arm around her legs and pulled her in close.

She laughed in that ditzy little girl laugh and smacked Gojyo just a bit harder than she should have on the back of his head. "Oh, sir! You're so funny! Tee Hee," she tilted her little head sideways and smiled stupidly.

Gojyo suddenly felt the place wasn't quite as nice as he'd thought and instead lifted his menu.

Pigtail's turned to Sanzo, "Sir your order should be out in five is there anything I can add to that for you?" her white teeth gleamed a great deal.

"Sake…" Sanzo grunted as he moved another tile.

"Another?" the girl looked a bit suppressed but complied anyway making a sixth tick mark on her paper pad. "And how about for you?" she turned to Hakkai.

"I will take these," Hakkai had picked out two dishes from the menu, "thank you." He smiled kindly back at the waitress.

"And I'll have this and two of these and ooh! All of this!" Goku ran his finger down a page highlighting in the air what his stomach asked for.

"Same here," said the kappa tossing the menu onto the table and lighting a cigarette.

Ten minutes passed and out came a cart laden with food, "woo! Dinner!" Goku's face was filled with elated happiness. "Sanzo! Look at that food!" he drooled at the delicious array of sustenance and reaching for a plate…

WHAP!

"My food," Sanzo stated after smacking Goku. The priest dug into the buffet beside him, emptying a plate then placing it back on the stainless steel caddy. It was unusual for Sanzo to eat quite so much but they had been without adequate sustenance for a while now so none thought to hard on the matter.

Goku felt rejected and his stomach growled noisily. The poor monkey was forced to sit and watch until his own food came which he had to fight for anyway.

"No!"

Tug… pull… grab

"It's mine you pervert!" Goku struggled for ownership of his food. "Naahhh!"

"To bad baka saru!" Gojyo gulped down the desired target.

"Ahhgg!"

An exchange of eyeball flung daggers crossed between the two men.

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It was at least five hours before all four men were back at the hotel, relaxing in the priest and monkey's shared room. Each of them were washed and fed, though Goku was finding himself hungry once again. Which, unfortunately, he voiced…

"Saanzoooo…. I'm hu,"

WHACK!

Brown hair splashed around Goku's face as he fell forward a bit, "wha… Sanz,"

WHACK!

"Sa,"

WHACK! WHACK!

A terribly distressed look came across Goku's features and he looked so childish that Sanzo had to hit him one more time.

WHACK!

Goku fell onto the bed clutching at his sore cranium. "Waaahh! Sanzo you're so mean."

The intrepid monk lit two cigarettes and sucked on both when they began to burn. He sighed deeply letting the tar blacken his lungs.

Even Gojyo lifted an eyebrow at the odd action but the three seemed to concur that it wasn't worth questioning. None of them dared to cross Sanzo especially with the blonde's display of such readiness to assault.

An hour passed in edgy silence. Gojyo and Hakkai played short yet lazy games of poker and for once in a blue moon Goku didn't make a peep. This of course was due to the fact that every time he tried to get up or speak he was met with the paper avenger. Sanzo had actually taken up a seat next to the monkey's bed and monitored every motion the saru made.

Goku looked pitifully at Hakkai, and curled further into a ball. Lying on his side the youth periodically shot nervous glances at Sanzo who was noisily shuffling a deck of worn playing cards and puffing away.

…. "Well… we have all been on the road quite awhile… I think I'm going to bed." Hakkai slid past the moody monk and out the door.

Gojyo watched the brunette leave. He didn't say anything just simply threw a humored look at the cowering Goku and left via the same door Hakkai had exited by.

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The next morning the monkey was curled in on himself, blankets wrapped tightly around the bronze body and an anxious twitch at the corners of his sleeping eyes.

A serene face framed by golden tresses leaned over the youth as contemplative thoughts ran behind violet eyes, "Wake up!"

BLAM!

Sanzo's fan smacked the pillow as Goku vaulted from his bed.

Sturdy trained feet landed with expert precision on the wooden floor behind Sanzo. However still being wobbly from sleep the monkey fell over hard onto his backside. "Ssseessss…ow" he rubbed his sore bottom. Normally even the shrieking youkai would not have been able to wake him but his entire sleep had been filled with dreams of Sanzo pursuing him, paper fan in tight grasp. This was cause enough for a vigilant sleep.

Whap.

Sanzo laid a light swat onto Goku's head, "improvement." The monk turned and exited to bang on Hakkai and Gojyo's door at full volume. "Wake up, time to go!"

Twenty minutes and one gold card assigned bill later three travelers and one little white dragon stood listening to their leader in shock.

"We're not going west any more."

Okay so something is definitely wrong with Sanzo.

You already know what because of my summary but Gojyo, Hakkai, and Goku still have no clue… evil grin

Find out in chapter two just how the yarn unwinds: Mounting Testament to Insanity

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A/N: I generally hope to bring forward a happy and humorous experience through this story so please tell me what you think of my tale. Thank You and I hope you enjoy 'Buddhists Like Pie'.