A/N: Aubri and I want to thank you guys for all the support we got during the whole copy cat deal. This chapter has been done for a day or so, but we hesitated in posting because this story is our brainchild and we didn't want to see it stolen. Keep in mind that if you see this story anywhere but here, we did not put it there and please contact us immediately. Furthermore, a huge thanks for the feedback on this story so far. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we are enjoying writing it! Reviews just help get the chapters up quicker :)
Meredith threw back the comforter on the bed and padded across the floor of her and Mark's apartment. Mark slept soundly, but she knew it wouldn't be long before he noticed her missing and woke up. He always did. The nighttime was the only time she had time to think to herself. During the day she found herself constantly busied by work and trying to make sure Derek was doing okay. She had spent very little time to actually grieve for her own loss.
Her eyes lazily scanned the Manhattan skyline. Even at the early morning hour, the buildings still glowed. It truly was the city that never slept. Addison had loved this city, having been raised here her entire life and she was what caused Meredith to fall in love with it as well. When she'd first moved here for her internship, Addison had been the first friend she made. It wasn't long before the two were inseparable. On the days that they didn't belong to the hospital, Addie would take her around the city, showing her all the hot spots and the best places to experience the famous New York lifestyle. They had complimented each other well. Meredith, who'd been the party girl, was the exact opposite of Addison, who had been the bookworm band geek.
It had made sense for the two girls to live together, seeing as all of their free time was spent together. They'd picked out a decent sized bedroom apartment, even though they ultimately had little say in the final decision, because their mother's had to approve it first. Ellis Grey would not have her daughter living in a hovel and Addison's mom…well Meredith was fairly certain when the woman was still alive there wasn't anything Addison did that her mom approved of. It was ironic because while Addison didn't measure up to her own mother's standards, Ellis absolutely adored Meredith's best friend. Meredith sometimes wondered if they'd been swapped at birth.
Lost in her own thoughts, she didn't hear Mark get out of bed and nearly jumped out her skin when his arms wrapped around her waist from behind.
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Still can't sleep?" Mark asked, his voice groggy with sleep.
"Too many thoughts running through my head to sleep right now," Meredith replied as she relaxed against him, her arms folding over his.
"I miss her too, you know. You can talk to me about it," he told her as his chin rested on her shoulder.
"I know. It's just hard you know?"
"Addie wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable, Meredith. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. She'd want you— she'd want us, to go on with our lives," Mark said softly.
Her hands began twisting the diamond ring on her finger, a habit that was born of nervousness. She knew where this conversation was headed and Meredith really didn't want to have it again. They'd had it too many times recently.
"I know that as well. It's just…would you want to get married if Derek wasn't there to stand up for you at your wedding?"
Mark was silent and she was well aware that he was trying to tactfully come up with an answer.
"Derek's been my best friend since we were kids. Of course I'd want him to be there when I'm getting married. I was there for him when he got married, but it also wouldn't be the end of the world if he couldn't be," he knew that answer wasn't going to appease her.
Meredith blinked back tears that threatened to fall, watching as the windows in a distant building grew dark.
"Addison and I planned this wedding together, Mark. I didn't do anything without her. Furthermore I'm not about to put her husband through that. It would just remind him of his own wedding and the idea is to help Derek get better, not push him further into the hole," Meredith snapped at him, even as the tears threatened to fall.
"Shh, baby. I'm sorry. You're right. It's not fair to ask that of Derek yet," he soothed, kissing the side of her head.
"Do you think he's going to be alright?" she twisted in his arms to face him and his blue grey eyes were glistening in the dark.
Honestly, he didn't know if Derek would ever be alright. How do you get over a loss like that? He'd tried to put himself in Derek's position, but hadn't been able to get past the thought of Meredith not being there in the mornings when he woke up. So he did the only thing he knew to do. He lied.
"Derek's going to be fine, baby. He's got the little one to look after now and that will help him through it," he responded, averting his eyes from hers.
Meredith knew he was lying, but she let it pass. It was a lie she desperately wanted to believe.
-x-
Somehow, she'd made it through her rounds. She wasn't entirely sure how because she hadn't fallen asleep until almost five that morning. Mark had led her back to bed after their conversation and tucked her in like one would do with child. Meredith knew she was being unfair to him by putting their lives on hold, but she honestly didn't even want to think about getting married after everything that had happened.
Mark didn't understand and she couldn't expect him too. When men got married it was different. Men didn't plan the wedding, they just had to show up. With women it was different. She and Addison had painfully plotted out every little detail of her wedding…together. Everything from the flowers to the invitations had been decided by the two of them, just like Addison's wedding had been. Meredith didn't know if she'd be able to stand there on her wedding day without Addison there to share in it. She didn't want to experience it without her best friend by her side.
Meredith shook her head. She knew she needed to stop thinking such morbid thoughts. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dr. Clark, her resident passing by, and she caught him by the arm.
"I'm going to take off for a little while, so page me if you need anything alright?"
But by now no one asked where Dr. Grey disappeared to. The entire hospital knew if she wasn't working, she was up in the nursery, captivated by a tiny pink bundle. She'd done that every day since Addison died. For a while she hadn't been able hold her due to the fact that she was so little and she'd been brought into the world so early, but Brianna Grace Shepherd was a fighter. Meredith liked to think she had Addison's spirit. Besides, it was comforting to spend time with this little person that had been so important to her best friend. Addison had wanted a baby for so long and it was totally unjust that when she finally got what she wanted, she wasn't there to take care of her.
"It's good that you come by every day to see her," a passing nurse said to Meredith, and her head shot up.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, it's just," the nurse fumbled, "it's good that she's got you. You've been the only one to come see her."
"Doctor Shepherd hasn't been by?" Meredith's eyes grew wide and she looked down at the baby who slept peacefully in her arms.
The nurse sadly shook her head before leaving. Meredith rocked Brianna, feeling even more protective over the small child who had essentially been left alone in the world. It wasn't right or fair. Derek and Addison had tried so long for a child and now Brianna had no one— not even her own father.
-x-
Derek heard a knock at his door. Just like every day before when Mark or Meredith had stopped by to check on him, he turned back to his bottle of scotch and ignored them. They still had not gotten the message that he wanted to be left alone, but Derek knew after a couple of minutes of pleading, whoever stood on his doorstep would grow tried of pleading and leave.
"Derek? It's me. Open up!" Meredith's voice wafted into the room. Derek took another gulp of scotch, remaining rooted in his chair. "Derek, seriously, open the damn door!" she yelled, rapping her fist against the door. He sat waiting for the pounding to eventually stop. When it did, he released a sigh and raised the glass to his lips again, but then he heard the unmistakable sound of a key being inserted into the lock.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she snapped as she slammed the door behind her, stomping into the room.
Derek looked at her, and she was struck by how broken and empty his eyes were. "Go away, Meredith," Derek mumbled, looking down at his wedding ring.
Meredith blinked, letting her eyes adjust to the dim light. She gasped in surprise as she surveyed the scene before her. The curtains of the spacious living room had been drawn tightly shut, blocking out the sun that usually streamed through the large windows. It felt like a desolate cavern. Empty bottles of scotch littered the side tables, leading in a broken trail to Derek, who lay sprawled on the sofa in a shirt in boxers.
"Get up," she hissed. And when Derek didn't move, Meredith wiped away furious, angry tears and stormed over to the windows, ripping back the curtains and flooding the room with sunlight. After she had pulled back the curtains from the row of windows she whirled around facing Derek as he squinted against the harsh light. "Get up!" she commanded, starting towards him. She tripped over an empty bottle lying on the floor.
"Dammit Derek, get up!" she yelled, grabbing the scotch from his hand and dumping the bottle's contents into the kitchen sink. "I can't believe you're in here getting yourself drunk. We're supposed to be at the hospital in an hour to pick up your daughter. Remember, Derek?" she shot a glare at him while she began collecting the empty bottles from the floor. "Mark's got the car parked outside," she continued, "so get up, and get ready."
"Leave me alone," Derek groaned, throwing his arm over his eyes. Meredith didn't understand— no one did. The home he and Addison had spent so much time together felt empty. Life felt empty and Derek was sick of going through the motions. All he wanted was to be left in peace with the memories of when he and Addison were happy— before she had learned she was pregnant and the child had killed her. "You don't understand. You have no idea what I'm feeling," he said.
Meredith's jaw dropped and she fought the urge to slap him. He was grieving and she knew that, but it didn't make his behavior any less offensive. Someone needed to get through to him.
"Do you seriously think drinking yourself into a coma is a good way to honor Addie's memory?"
"Oh, would you prefer I be like you and go on with my life like nothing's wrong?" Derek sneered at her.
"You lost your wife. But I lost my best friend, and I don't want to feel like I have to keep score with you on who's hurting more," Meredith whispered so lowly and fiercely that it might have been confused with a growl. "Just because I don't show it the same as you do, don't you assume for one minute that I'm not hurting too."
Meredith received no response, just an angry glare in her direction. However, Derek slowly rolled to his feet, walking away to the bedroom. After a minute Meredith heard the shower running.
-x-
The nurse handed the baby to Meredith. Brianna's eyes lit up with recognition as Meredith cooed over her. Derek avoided watching the scene and hastily scribbled his signature on the papers. He had dreaded this moment for weeks now and it was finally here. He would have to take this child home with him and pretend like he actually gave a damn what happened to her. For a moment, he considered calling the adoption agency and just making his problem disappear, but Meredith's words about honoring Addie's memory came back to him and Derek knew that Addison would never forgive him for it. It would just make her sacrifice in vain.
"So is that everything?" Derek asked the nurse, turning his back to Meredith and the child.
"Yes," she answered, sparing him a sympathetic glance before she rushed off. Derek hated how they all looked at him now. Before he was given looks of admiration and respect, now it was pity, but that was nothing to the things they said when they thought he couldn't hear. 'Well at least he still has his daughter.' They couldn't have been more mistaken. None of them understood that Derek would gladly trade this baby for his wife back. He could only imagine what they would think of him then.
"Here Brianna," Meredith smiled, walking towards Derek. "Here's your Daddy. See your Daddy?"
Derek thought the entire display was sickening and he was about to open his mouth to share that with Meredith when she slipped the child into his arms. He stood there frozen, looking with wide eyes at Mark for help. He couldn't move. He couldn't do anything but simply exist there holding a child he didn't want. Meredith shifted his hands so that he would cradle the baby properly, but Derek still wouldn't look down at the weight in his arms.
"Derek, look at your daughter," she insisted.
Reluctantly he finally looked down.
Her skin was unnaturally pink and her eyes were shut as she slept soundly in his arms. Derek didn't need to see her eyes to know that they would look nothing like Addison's bright, sparkling eyes. A thick tuft of dark, wispy hair covered her head. Every one of the child's features screamed 'Derek' and nothing of his wife could be seen looking at her face. Maybe if she had looked more like his wife, Derek could've been moved to feel something towards her.
As Mark and Meredith accompanied him out to the car, Derek's only thought was that she didn't even have the decency to look like Addison.
