Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed again. This one has a lot of Sawyer's memories, but he's starting to understand his feelings now.

So here you go…

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Chapter 5

As she laid there sleeping, Sawyer talked up a storm. "Ya know Freckles, when I was on the raft, I looked through the notes that people wrote and put in that bottle. Walt told me I shouldn't be doing that, but I needed to see if you wrote one. But you didn't, did ya? I didn't either. Didn't have anyone to write one to at the time. But if I could do it again, I'd write one to you. Tell you everything… 'bout how I feel, what I want. Things I never told anybody before. Things I never wanted anyone to know. But I realized now that I want you to know."

This situation had all made him come to grips with his feelings. Despite all the times he'd pushed them out of his head, he was going to have to admit them to himself now. He owed her for that.

"When Zeke and his buddies shot me, all I could think about was that I didn't say goodbye to you. When we left on the raft, I was sure we'd find rescue and then come back to get everybody here, and I'd see you again. That's the only reason I went. To get us rescued. You were right when you said there's no one I miss and no one misses me back in the real world, cuz there ain't. But when I wasn't here with you, I sure missed ya Freckles. I know I'm not good at showin' it. But you make me want to be better. And I know I keep slippin' up. Can't do it overnight ya know."

"But I guess I done some good things. Hell, I got shot because they were tryin' to take Walt, which they did anyway, but when Mikey fell into the water, shot and all, I still got him back up on a piece of the raft cuz he don't know how to swim. I dug the friggin' bullet out of my shoulder with my fingers ya know. I almost did that with your bullet, but I didn't want you in that much pain. It hurt like hell baby. But I'm used to pain. I just needed to live to see you again." He smiled at her and held her hand up and kissed it lightly.

He continued talking to her as if she could hear him. "And did I tell you I almost got eaten by a shark? Big mother-fucker it was. Mikey shot it before it got me though. Guess you figured that, I'm still here ain't I? And in the morning when we saw we had drifted back here, to the island, we realized we were home. Didn't think I'd ever call a place like this home. But anywhere you are Freckles, that'll be home." He owed her for that.

"When we got on shore, Jin was already there and came running up to us, and before I knew what was happenin', good ol' Mr. Eko done hit me with his Jesus stick. Knocked me out cold. When I woke up, I was in a pit. Little while later, they threw in Rambina. Made us think she was a prisoner too. Till she stole my gun, and left. Guess they discussed it and decided we were on their team, and they let us out. Made our way back here. Somewhere along the way I passed out. Missed the whole shootout, Blondie gettin' killed."

"Next thing I know, I'm waking up here." Looking away from Kate for the first time, he looked up at the top bunk, smiling. "In a friggin' bunk bed. Sweetheart, I tell ya, I really thought we were saved when I saw this. That reminds me, I still wanna know who the hell Wayne is, but you can tell me when you're ready. No hurry. And seein' your beautiful smiling face when I woke up…. Can't beat that. And I'm gonna wake up to your face every day from now on. I ain't lettin' you get away again, Freckles. I can't. Not now."

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He rubbed the back of his hand against Kate's cheek. She was feeling warmer now. Still, he pulled the blankets up higher and tucked them under her chin.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Damn button. It didn't beep long, so he figured someone must have entered the code right away.

Jack came in with a bowl of soup and a bottle of water. Sawyer saw it and, turning back to look at Kate, he said, "She's still sleeping. Won't be able to eat yet."

"It's not for her, it's for you," said Jack. "You need to keep up your strength, for her. You carried her all that way and haven't had anything to eat all day."

"Sorry Doc, but I don't want anything."

"Sawyer, she's going to be okay. You got her here in time. The bullet didn't hit any major organs. She's really going to be fine. She'll probably wake up tomorrow. We just have to let the antibiotics work for a while." He put the soup and water on the table, then checked the bandage, and felt her forehead. "Feels like her fever's down some." He picked up her hand, the one that Sawyer wasn't holding. "She's warmer now too. Just make sure she stays warm. She'll be fine." Jack patted Sawyer on the back and walked toward the door.

Sawyer sighed. "Hey, Doc."

Jack stopped and turned back around. "Yeah?"

"Thanks."

Jack smiled and nodded, and turned the light off and shut the door as he left the room.

Sawyer looked around. It finally hit him. He was tired. Besides the top bunk, which didn't look too sturdy and he didn't want it falling down on top of Kate, there wasn't anywhere else to sleep except…. So he stood up and stripped down to his boxers. Then he carefully climbed onto the bed down by Kate's feet, and slowly crawled up on the other side of her. He slid in under the covers and curled his body up close to hers.

Showing his dimpled smile, he whispered, "Gotta keep you warm. Doctor's orders." He kissed her cheek. "Goodnight, Freckles." Almost immediately he was asleep and dreaming…

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She had told him he needed a haircut. He agreed, but only if she'd cut it for him. She didn't put up any argument. He knew she wanted an excuse to touch him as much as he wanted one for her to. She was grinning from ear to ear when he was admiring her completed work in the mirror. And when Jack interrupted to give him his medication, she had instinctively moved closer to Sawyer, still grinning. He owed her for that.

He remembered the morning she had given him her hand to help him out of his seat so they could go get his bandages changed, and when he stood up, their eyes met, and for a moment, there was no one else in the world. They stared at each other for a few seconds and he saw in her eyes that she wanted so badly to kiss him, but she'd controlled herself, resisted the urge, and led him off to the hatch. Damn frustrating woman!

When Jack had told Kate she couldn't go on the hike with Locke and them to look for Michael, he had wanted to punch his lights out. She could handle a gun and track, who better to help them? But he knew with his wound still fresh, he would've ended up hurt more, and probably pissed her off for trying to fight her battles for her. So he had given her an apologetic look and turned and followed Jack.

When they ran into Zeke and he brought out the woman with the bag over her head, then took it off to reveal Kate, that was when he realized he couldn't live without her. She had gone and followed them anyway, as he'd assumed she would, because once she set her mind to something there was no changing it. She was so much like him. He'd basically done the same damn thing earlier when Jack told him he shouldn't go because he was still on medication. But he didn't think she'd get herself captured. He was worried when Jack took his sweet time putting down his gun as Zeke threatened to shoot Kate. Finally Jack dropped the gun, then he and Locke did the same. Zeke threw Kate into his arms. My arms, not Jack's. He untied her and held her close as they watched the Others walk away. He planted a kiss on the top of her head, letting her know he was glad she was safe, before they started the trek back to their camp. Along the way, Kate tried to explain to Jack why she followed them, trying to get back into his good graces, but he wouldn't listen. Stubborn Jackass.

When she helped him with his shoulder exercises, that was just another excuse to touch him, he reasoned. He could tell she enjoyed it as much as he did, massaging his arm, reaching around from behind, pressing herself up against him. Mmmmmm. Even now in his sleep, it was if she was right there behind him in the same way, as if he could feel her there. He owed her for that.

Just like when she brought him a magazine from the hatch, then proceeded to read it to him since he had lost his glasses on the raft. She'd do anything to be close to me. He owed her for that.

But then he had conned Jack and Locke to get the guns. Well not just Jack and Locke, he conned everyone. Even her. He regretted having to involve her. But he honestly didn't think Jack and Locke were the best choice to have control of them. Both of them were unstable when it came to rationalizing. Jack would jump off the handle and grab a gun whenever he thought it might come in handy. He was afraid somebody would get shot someday. And John would play everything down, try to reason with people using words. He knew from experience that didn't always work either. Sometimes there has to be a middle of the road. He believed that was him. He just wanted to keep everyone safe. He wasn't really trying to make people hate him like she accused him of. And when he had told her he was glad she didn't hate him, she confirmed by lack of response that she didn't. But he already knew that. He owed her for that.

It wasn't long before she came to him for a gun. She and Missy Claire were going into the jungle to find the French chick and some medicine for Baby Huey. She tried to act angry, but he could see through the façade and he saw her try to hide a slight smile when he put on the new dorky glasses he had found. He owed her for that.

He had Jack beat. At least he would have, maybe, if they had played another hand. Just how did Metro learn to play poker so well? And she never did come back with that ruler. We all know who would have been bigger. He smiled now in his sleep.

She had stopped by when he was fixing up his shelter after it was destroyed when Hurley had flipped out on him. She teased him about it, but as she told him that it looked like he got his ass kicked, he could tell she was actually checking out his ass. Yeah, she wants me. He owed her for that.

In another excuse to be close to him, she helped him dig mussels on the shoreline. Until Dr. Giggles showed up that is. Then she was off to join Jack on the prisoner exchange hike. Left him there, alone, with his bucket of shellfish. But he knew how she hated it when she wasn't involved in all the island events, and that she was only going with him to get back in the loop. Problem was, she didn't come back to camp that night. And he had planned on cooking and sharing the mussels with her. As it turned out, Vincent got a good meal. And he started to realize how much he missed her when she wasn't around. He owed her for that.

But because the next day she still wasn't back, and because he missed her so damn much, and although everyone else could see it, he wouldn't admit it to anyone, especially to himself or to her, and because he thought he'd lost her to El Jacko, he'd really messed up big time when he let Ana-Lucia screw him out of his gun, literally and metaphorically. It was with his gun that Michael had killed Ana-Lucia and Libby. Two more deaths on his conscience. Then she was back, tagging along with Jack and Locke, as they came to him for the guns. He'd refused to give up the guns. And he denied it, but she was so in his head. He owed her for that.

And then he'd taken her with him to get the heroin so Jack could make Libby comfortable, knowing that his secret hiding place would be discovered, and he'd have to divide up the guns now. She had asked him how Ana got the gun and he said he didn't know, hoping she'd believe him. Inside his tent, he moved a piece of wreckage that had been covered with sand, revealing his stash. He'd surprised her that he'd kept it here all along, right underneath him.

After they took the heroin to Jack, who administered it to Libby, she woke up for a split second and then gasped for air and died, comfortably from the numbing abilities of the drug. Kate was sitting at the table, and he saw her break down and start sobbing uncontrollably. She almost never let her guard down and let her feelings show in this way. She was almost as bad at showing emotion as him. But when he saw her like that, he couldn't help feeling his own reserve falling away, and he slid onto the bench beside her and put his arm around her. He pulled her into him and held her tightly. She reached up and grabbed onto his arm as her head was buried in his chest and she wept insuppressible tears for what seemed like hours as he just sat there holding her and trying to comfort her, as well as himself. He tried to get over his guilt in the fact that neither Ana Lucia nor Libby would have been killed if he'd had more control over his urges. He never should have let Ana get his gun in the first place. Finally, her tears stopped flowing and he realized she had fallen asleep. He leaned his head back against the wall and he too was soon asleep, deep enough to not dream about this awful day. He owed her for that.

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Sawyer was awakened by the alarm. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Not again. Then it stopped.

He heard footsteps coming toward the bed.

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Check back later to find out who's coming into the room. And Sawyer will find out three big revelations in the next chapter.

Please read and review!