Chapter Two: Justin

It's September twenty-third. It's Thursday.

I decided since Chris writes in his journal religiously, that I should probably take time to do it too. However, that longhand crap is for the birds. I'll take my computer. Sure, I can't sneak my hefty desktop around with me at school like I could a notebook, but this is so much easier. Chris takes his journal with him everywhere. One time we were out for pizza and I went to the bathroom. When I came back he was writing in his journal.

I have to admit, I'm often tempted to look inside it, but I couldn't do that. I've broken his trust enough times in the two months we've been dating (without his knowing it), I don't need to add more guilt on top of it.

I saw Mom today for about forty-five seconds. I was leaving for school this morning and she was just coming into the house.

Hi Mom, I said.

She looked at me like she didn't know who I was. It took her a moment to register my face. Hey, Justin. Going to school?

Yup.

Good. I'll see you... when I see you.

See you.

That was it. I left. She went inside. When I got home, she was gone. I knew exactly what she had done too. She took a shower, threw all of her clothes from the past, oh, two weeks or so on her bed, exchanged them out for clean ones and left me a note to take her clothes to the dry cleaner for her. She'd pick them up herself.

She won't and a week from now the dry cleaners will call me to get them. I might as well not even wait for them to call. It would be a waste of their time.

I found out something cool today, though. Vista has a Gay-Straight Alliance. I have to face facts. Though I wondered at one time if it was just Chris I was into, I'm really bi. I mean, I love Chris. There's no mistaking it. But I am attracted to other guys. And girls. And sometimes, I don't know how to deal with that.

I've never been in a serious relationship before. Nancy didn't care if I went out with other girls (though she did have a serious problem when I wanted to date guys). Maggie, well, nothing happened there, though things are still kind of weird between us. And Rena from freshman year, she very openly cheated on me.

So, all in all, I have no idea what I'm doing.

That's why I think I should join the GSA. Maybe if I'm around other people who could be dealing with the same stuff I am, it would be easier to deal with. I want Chris to join with me, but... he's even less sure on his sexuality than I am. Which is probably why we haven't gone past kissing (though nice, open mouth, really enjoyable kissing) since that night.

Not that I haven't seriously wanted to.

Today, after school I came up behind him when he was looking into his locker. I rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned against the closed lockers next to him. Hey.

He turned to me and smiled. Hey.

We haven't gotten to a confidence point of being anymore psychical than that in the halls. Or at least he hasn't. I'd kiss him all day if I thought I could get away with it. But since I can't, I'll follow his lead.

How was your day? I asked.

Chris made a face and then smiled. OK. Yours?

About the same. But guess what I found out.

What?

Vista has a GSA. I was thinking that maybe, you know, we could join. I waited for a reaction. He was obviously thinking about it.

He has these amazing eyes. You can look into them and see the depths of his soul and know that you'll never get to see it all, it's so big. And sometimes, I can look into them and just know what he's thinking. And then there are times when I look into them, and I can't see anything. Like I'm groping around in the dark. Like he's so disconnected from himself that I can't get in either. I worry so much about him when his eyes get like that.

And there were like that just then.

Why? he asked. Any reason why?

I dunno. I just thought it might be something we could do together, I said. There's not really anything that's just something for us to do together. You know. Like a couple thing.

I felt my face go red.

Chris smiled, his eyes growing warm again. I'll think about it, he said. If you want, you can go ahead and join. Maybe I'll come in later.

OK, I replied. I guess that was better than nothing.

Amalia came running up to us. Justin, we have - oh, hey, Ducky - we have to have a practice tonight. Rainah is coming out Saturday to hear us play at the garage. She's going to get a few recordings, just to hear how you guys sound on tape. Of course, we'll sound better in a studio and on CD, but that won't be for a bit. Anyway, we want to make sure we're sounding fresh, is that okay?

What time tonight? I asked.

Ummm, four-thirty? Is that okay with you?

I looked at Chris and he shrugged. I thought about it. The GSA met right after school, and, well... I could go to the next meeting.

Sure, I told Amalia. That works for me.

Great. Then that makes everyone, she said.

How are you doing? Chris asked her.

Busy, she said, smiling. But you know me, that's how I like it. Are you going to, no, you're not coming to practice you have work. I knew that.

He nodded.

I still wasn't used to the school schedule. All through August, Chris worked mornings, and we spent all afternoon and evening together. And would usually end up sleeping over at one or the other's house. Usually at mine since it's usually empty otherwise and while his house is often empty as well, his older brother has a tendency to come in at just the wrong time.

Now he was working afternoons and evenings and spending the night at each other's houses was trimmed to weekends. It sucked.

I looked around the hall. Amalia was walking away. There wasn't anyone else around. So I decided to be bold.

I slid my arm around Chris's waist, slipping my fingers just under his shirt, brushing against the skin of his back. He flinched slightly at the touch, but turned his head to me and smiled.

I kissed him, and he kissed me back for just an moment. Then he pulled away.

I'll see you tomorrow, ok?

I sighed. Yeah. See you.

Chris slammed closed his locker and left.

I know he doesn't think What Can I Do to Frustrate the Hell Out of my Boyfriend? But sometimes it seems that way. Why can't we just be together like normal people?

I hate this feeling that he's always going to shut me out from a part of him. And there's nothing I can do about it.