September 24th
I don't know if there's been a time in my life when things have been this perfect. I know that things aren't perfect, but this is the closest I've gotten. It kind of selfish, for things to be going so right. Which is so like it sort of makes me sick.
For the first time since Mrs. Winslow died, I feel like I really have Sunny back. Out fight(s) have been over for months, but now that I'm not expecting "old Sunny" to come popping out, I can be a better friend.
For the first time EVER, I have a boyfriend. Christian is wonderful. Okay, so we don't have a lot in common. He plays music (I'm doing good at carrying a tune) and he's into those "adult" cartoons that I don't find all that funny. But we both like scary movies and books, and somehow we never run out of things to talk about. Mostly about school.
We don't have any classes together, being in different grades, and we both have our own groups of friends, so we don't usually just run into each other. We have to plan things. Or seek each other out, which is what Christian did today.
"Hey, Dawn, what are you doing tonight?"
"Going over to Sunny's to do homework and make some plans for Ducky's birthday," I replied. I smiled as he took my hand. We walked down the hall.
"Oh, okay." He smiled, but I could tell he was disappointed, so I said, "Since it's Friday, I don't have to be home until eleven. We could do something this evening."
That was true, but if I told Dad I was going out with Christian, I'd have to do some work. Dad doesn't like him very much. "A bad feeling" he calls it when he can't pinpoint an exact reason why. Carol, who adores Christian, is the only reason I'm allowed to see him. Every once in a while we get into debates (or fights, as most people call them) about car dates, even though that's not something we'll have to worry about that until January when Christian turns 16.
"I don't want you to cut your night short with Sunny," he was saying. "I just thought we could spend the evening together since I'll be busy with the band tomorrow."
I knew that, though, since he's spent every Saturday with the band since he joined last month.
I don't know how I feel about it still. The band of undetermined name (Christian's nickname for it) is made up of 18 and 19 year olds who SHOULD be in college, but aren't. Christian is the youngest member. I don't know, for some reason that three year age difference between Maggie and Vanish seems less than with Christian and the guys in the band.
Maybe because it's MY age difference.
"Well, maybe we could hang out Sunday? Just for the afternoon or something," Christian was saying.
"Sounds great," I said.
"If your dad lets you, right?" His tone was meant to be light, but I can tell he doesn't like it that Dad doesn't like him.
"Whatever," I replied, waving my free hand. "It's not like I'm his only daughter." That was meant to sound light too, but it didn't come out that way.
"Yeah, but you're the only one who's dating age. And dating a guy he doesn't like."
"Well, who knows what Gracie will be into. Maybe she'll like biker guys with tattoos on their butts." I giggled at the thought of my baby sister on the back of some guy's motorcycle. "Then we can look back on this time in his eldest daughter's life and fix his mistakes. Like his judgement of guys. Really, it's fine. If he says no, Carol will say yes and convince him to say yes too."
Right now I should either be doing homework or talking to Sunny about food, but I can't really stop thinking about Christian. I don't know how I feel about being THIS consumed. I said that to Sunny and she laughed at me.
I don't see what's so funny. I said that too and she told me that I have no sense of humor.
Maybe I'm naive, well, I know I am, but I don't see what she finds so funny, and I can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me.
"There's nothing wrong with you," Sunny said, finally being normal. "You're just in a new relationship. OF COURSE you're thinking about him all the time."
I relaxed a little. I'm new to this whole dating thing. And it's so weird, dating a guy who pursued ME. I've never had that before.
I was thinking about Travis. When I lived in Stoneybrook, he was all into me, or at least I thought he was. But he just wanted someone to follow him around and tell him how great he was. And someone he could boss around and tell them how they could change to suit HIM better. Back then that age difference seemed so HUGE. Like this big gaping hole. Now, not so much. Still kind of weird, four years, but not unheard of.
But what I think about more is the way Christian likes me for me, and doesn't want me to change. Or does he?
I've never thought of myself as insecure, but maybe I am.
9:15 PM
Stuff List
-Two cakes. One sugary mass and one all natural carrot cake.
-Decorations? Streamers. Nothing too fancy
-Silly party hats. Ducky's totally into that.
Guest List
Me, Sunny, Amalia, Maggie, Brendan, Justin, Christian, Bruce, Rico, Patti... anyone else?
Sorry to jot all this down in my journal, but I needed it somewhere I wouldn't lose it. Sunny and I decided on having just a small party, since Ducky seems so weird about his birthday. We talked about that and came to no conclusion. But you don't turn 17 everyday, so Ducky is getting a party.
I don't know what to get him. I thought about getting him a CD, but then I remembered us talking earlier this week about not getting CDs for people you know well. Maybe a cool shirt? Ducky loves clothes. I don't think he could really have too many.
Oh, I casually mentioned going out with Christian on Sunday during dinner. Well, not that casually since Dad asked me, "What are your plans this weekend?"
"Nothing tomorrow," I replied. "And Sunday I'm going out with Christian."
Dad frowned. "Don't you think you're seeing a lot of him? You see him everyday at school."
"Not really. We both have different classes and different lunch periods." I tried to keep things casual and not get defensive. I took a bite of salad.
"Well, that's a school night, so you'll need to be in-"
"Jack," Carol said. It was a gentle enough, but Dad got the message: Lay off.
Dad busied himself with his dinner.
I got off the hook pretty easy. Thank you, Carol.
In other news, I called Maggie about an hour ago. She sounded stressed. Well, more stressed than usual. Maggie is always stressed.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, I am. I'm just... I think I'm stretching myself too thin." She paused while I was slightly horrified at the phrase she used. "Don't worry, though," she added hastily, "I'm eating. I'm finding time for that."
"Okay," I replied.
"No, really, just between everything that's going on with Vanish, and all this homework, and Inner Vistas, and work. I hardly even have time to write in my journal. And you know how important that is to me, let alone required for school."
"They'll never know," I said.
"Sure they will. Somehow, they always know."
"Good point. Well, just try and write like once a week?"
"I'll try, but I just come home exhausted every night."
"I think you can handle it, Maggie," I said.
She sighed. "I know I can. I have to."
I hate it when Maggie gets all stressed like this. And not just because she can be under all that pressure and not break out like I would, despite my healthy living. She doesn't deserve this.
Sometimes it's hard not to be envious of Maggie. And then times like this... I'm kinda glad I'm not her.
