Chapter Four: Christian

October 2nd
Saturday
11:27 PM

I am so wasted right now. The last 48 hours have exhausted me. However, I promised myself that this year, I would really do the journal thing. So far? Not that great. But this is entry #2, which is a better start than my, like, five entries last year.

Friday, I went with Dawn to her friend Ducky's birthday party. His birthday was Thursday, but who has parties on Thursdays? At least during the school year. So Friday it was. He knew about it, apparently gave a huge fuss about it, and went anyway.

It was at Justin Randall's house. Now, before this summer, I knew of Justin Randall. He's like the coolest guy at Vista, popular with all the girls. I mean, the guy could have anyone he wanted. What happens? It turns out he's gay. How weird is that? Not bad, since I don't care about that kind of thing, but... he was sort of like a role model to teenage America. Or at least teenage Vista.

Yeah, not anymore.

Anyway, I'd never been this house. In fact, until this past July, I'd never actually talked to him. He's a nice guy.

So the party. It's just a few people, some music. Dawn told me to bring my guitar, so I did, and I did some singing. Maggie sang with me a little, which is always really great, because that girl has PIPES.

Amalia started fake-schmoozing at me about her being my manager. I told her a little bit about the band.

"We're still working on style and what not," I said.

She nodded. "That takes time. Especially between school."

"I'm the only one in school."

"Oh, okay." She didn't seem judgmental about it. "So leaning toward the ballad-y rock that you seem to do so well?"

"Some of it, yeah, since I'm writing most of the songs and music. The guys want to be super rock gods and be badasses, but I try to keep them on reality."

You know, keeping them on reality would be a lot easier if they weren't always high.

Ducky didn't really seem that thrilled over his party. But he seemed glad that he knew everyone there and they all cared enough. I say "they" instead of "we" because I've known the guy for two months. I'm not to the big hug and kiss on the cheek stage Dawn and Sunny are. No thanks.

Speaking of them, they cornered Ducky and had, what looked like, a big heart-to-heart. I was talking to Bruce about different brands of guitars which was, by far, the highlight of my evening.

It's not that I don't like Dawn's friends. I do. But they're Dawn's friends. None of them are in my grade. I don't have classes with any of them. I don't know any of them beyond the little time we've spent together.

I guess I could GET to know them.

After the party, I walked Dawn home.

"Was it a success?" I asked.

She nodded "Yeah, Ducky was glad to see all this support from his friends. He'd been acting so weird about his birthday. But most of that comes from his parents not being around. Birthdays are family times and he doesn't really feel like he had one. But I guess we proved him wrong tonight." She smiled. Dawn has a great smile.

"Plus, he didn't want a big party. He didn't want to draw attention to himself. Or, more like it, to himself and Justin."

"That's hard to do," I said, "given that Justin's pretty high-profile."

"Yeah, but he's not some gossip queen."

Just a queen, I thought, even though I knew it was kind of mean and Dawn wouldn't appreciate my humor.

"Even though I'm telling you now," she was saying. "But you won't tell anyone what I said, right?"

Nope. Never.

We got to her house and I gave her a kiss (a quick one since her father was watching from the window. Probably with a baseball bat) and I went home. I went to bed.

This morning, I woke up around 11. I went over to Josh's. Not surprised, he was still in bed. He went to a party the night before too, but he drank too much and played with a crack pipe.

That's how he told it to me.

I'm aware that Josh and Tristan are losers. Their spare time is spent scoring drugs and doing them. Spare time is all of Josh's time since he doesn't have a job. At least Tristan works. I have a semi-excuse since I'm only 15. I could get a job, but I'd be on really limited hours and between school, the band, and Dawn, I don't know how I'd do it. I think Amalia is superwoman. (Superwymyn?)

Sometimes I feel like Perry and I are the only ones holding the band up. We can't even come up with a freaking name for the band. Anyway, Josh wasn't awake so I hung out in his room/garage until Perry got there.

Perry, unlike Josh, has a job, and unlike Tristan, he doesn't do drugs. Well, not all the time. Just socially.

Like I do now.

"Is he not awake?" Perry asked. He looked exasperated.

"Not yet."

"It's almost noon."

"He's a loser?" I suggested.

"Most likely." Perry pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and took one. He held the pack out to me. I took one.

Dirty habit Dawn will never know about. Has it been bright to anyone's attention that taste-bud numbing gums and mints are the greatest things ever?

We smoked until Tristan got there and finally Perry ending up dragging Josh out of bed.

Writing all of this out like this, I wonder if these guys are, you know, "bad news" as mom would have put it. I mean, they seem so scuzzy (scuzzy?), but really, they're not bad guys. Maybe Josh, but when can hold drumsticks, he's good.

We worked on some songs, throwing back and forth some ideas (Well, Perry, Tristan and I are), and then we practiced, sans our drummer for about an hour while Josh complained about the noise. Hangovers are hell, I know, but that doesn't give Josh an excuse.

Not when we go through this EVERY. SINGLE. SATURDAY.

Finally, Josh is feeling better and we actually sound halfway decent. Around three-thirty, we took a break for a late lunch and as we're sitting around eating sandwiches, Tristan went out to his car and brought back in a bong.

"No thanks," Perry said right away.

I declined as well. I know that I wouldn't have if Perry hadn't. Tristan and Josh share, and we get nothing accomplished.

Perry and I realized that we're not getting anything done, so we both help ourselves to a hit or two which does nothing but make me hyper. All the rest of them get really mellow, but I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls.

Perry sent me in his car (with just my learner's permit) to get some food from the 7-11. Thankfully, I didn't get busted. Even in my hyper state, I drove the speed limit and came to complete stops.

Now, hours later, I feel like shit. Guilty shit because I have the overwhelming feeling that if Dawn ever found out that happens outside of her presence, I'd probably be living in the land of singledom once again. I don't like lying to her, but it's hard to give up this lifestyle that I've done for so long.

I might feel better if I hadn't come home to Dad drinking his, what looked like, sixth Budweiser and telling me to get him another one so he didn't have to get up. So I got him one, not really knowing WHY I was doing so, and helped myself to one, thinking that it would make me feel better, but of course, it didn't.

I hate Dad for all his drinking and whining. But, then, what do I do? The exact same thing.