Chapter 5
Los Angeles, 20 May 2004
Angel seems smaller. I know hospital beds do that; my mom looked tiny when she was in one, but I never expected it to have that effect on Angel. He looks pleased to see me, holding out his arms to me as I approach. He moves his mouth for a kiss too, but I avoid that, remembering Spike's description of the last welcome I gave him - even if I know there were no tongues that time. I catch his cheek instead.
He looks vaguely disappointed, but doesn't comment, so I launch into hospital bedside manner.
"How's it going?" It sounds a bit too flip to me, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't find anything in the Slayer manual on 'What to do when your vampire ex-lover becomes human', even if I did read it.
"Ok, I think," he answers. "It's taking some getting used to."
"Being human?"
"Yeah."
"But you were injured?"
"Nothing major - just some cuts and a knock on the head that put me out for a while. That's why they insisted on keeping me here."
He turns his head then, and I can see a patch of scalp that's been stitched.
"So, you're human," I go on, stating the obvious because I can't think of anything else to say.
"Yes. I didn't expect it, because I signed away any rights to the Shanshu so I'd be accepted into the Circle of the Black Thorn. They were the power centre on earth of the Senior Partners at Wolfram and Hart. It was the only way to destroy them, and it seemed to be a fair trade. I really believed I'd never get another chance."
I nod and go for the inane again. "You're looking well, though."
"Feeling sore, but I'll deal. It's Gunn I'm worried about."
"Charles Gunn?" I ask, trying to remember what I was told.
"Yeah. He's upstairs. He didn't think he was going to live long enough to do much in the battle, but, thanks to Willow, he's still around. He was hurt pretty badly."
As he finishes speaking, the door opens and a woman comes in - a surprisingly blue woman. Willow, who'd been behind me and very quiet up until now, steps forward and introduces me.
"Buffy, this is Illyria. Remember I told you about her?" She turns to the other woman. "And this is Buffy."
Illyria regards me seriously for a moment before speaking. "I thought you'd be taller. The shell thought you were taller."
It seems like a strange thing to say, but given her anything but normal history, I suppose it sort of makes sense. I make a mental note to get more details on Illyria as soon as I can.
Before I can reply, Illyria has approached Angel. "Charles' condition is unchanged. I am told that's a good thing at the moment. And I could find no sign of Spike. I think it most likely that he didn't survive."
The stab of pain is unexpected. I mean, why should I feel pain when someone I'd already thought was gone turns out to be really gone? Angel's looking at me, watching for my reaction.
"Good news about Gunn," he says, carefully, his eyes not leaving mine. "I didn't think he'd make it this far."
"Yeah, I'm glad."
"And Spike? Well, if he's finally gone, I don't think he'd want us to be upset. He always enjoyed a fight, and he went out doing what he wanted to do."
The words are all true, but they smack of insincerity coming from him. He turns his attention to Willow.
"Willow, you know what? I'd love a cup of coffee. I'm sure Buffy'd like something too, wouldn't you?" he turns back to me. I'm about to say that I don't, but his eyes are clearly telling me otherwise.
"Sure, a soda - diet whatever'd be great," I agree.
"Illyria can show you where to get it?" Angel continues to Willow.
I don't think for a moment that either of them don't realise that he's dismissing them, but they both leave anyway - Willow with a grin in my direction just before she closes the door.
"So, Buffy, it's good to see you."
"You too," I agree. I'm standing beside the bed, but he gestures for me to sit - not on the chair but on the bed next to him. I do so, and he grimaces, but doesn't say anything.
"Painful?" I ask.
"It's funny. As a vampire, I could feel pain - I'd even say it was as severe as it is now, but something about knowing that it was temporary and that I'd heal in no time made it more bearable. Well, that and living forever. It's just not like that any more. Everything's different."
I nod. I'm not sure what to say.
"You heard about Wesley?"
"Yes," I answer, looking down. I can feel my eyes filling a little, more for Spike than Wesley, but Angel doesn't have to know that. There are just so many reasons to feel pain at the news. There's the fact that he was back and didn't call me, and there's the fact that it looks like he's gone … again. Either way, it hurts.
"Wes was a good man," Angel continues. "I'm going to miss him."
"And Spike?" I demand.
"Well, he did what needed to be done back there, but long term? I don't know. Let's face it, he was hardly known for his patience, now was he? Redemption's a long term deal."
I think about what he's saying, and I get what he means, but he's ignoring the fact that, in so many ways, Spike was a contradiction. He stuck with poor, loony Drusilla for who knows how long, and he stayed true to me despite my best efforts to drive him away. He had patience when it was important to him.
"That's where you're wrong," I disagree, ready to defend him, but Angel puts up a hand in a conciliatory gesture.
"Ok, ok. Let's not fight about him. He's gone. Did you even know he was back? Before today?"
"No," I admit. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It wasn't up to me to tell, Buffy. Why didn't Spike contact you?"
"I don't know."
He shrugs at that. "He's probably dust, but that shouldn't make much difference to you if you already thought that. I do accept that he was important to you though." That last bit is added hastily as he spots that I'm about to argue.
The idea that the part of my life that included Spike is over cuts me like a knife, and it's all I can do not to show the pain. Somehow, I never thought of it that way. The part of my life of being the Slayer is over, but despite Spike being gone, he was still part of my life. In many ways, I felt he was responsible for so many of the good things I have now. That, and the memory of those last days we had, kept him alive for me. Now, it's different. I know, logically, it isn't. He was gone, and he's gone again, but that's not how it feels.
Angel's looking at me questioningly, so I pull myself back to the present, and try to smile.
"So, what happened?"
"Where do I start?" he asks, smiling.
"For now I'll settle for the battle. I got the Council version and Willow told me a bit, but I'd like to hear about it from your side."
"We didn't expect to make it out, you know? None of us."
I nod, but he's looking down towards his lap so he doesn't see.
"We knew. We take out those who wield the Senior Partners' power on earth; the Senior Partners are going to come after us. They all agreed. I gave them the chance to walk away. So …"
"So it's not your fault," I finish for him.
"But it is. I got us into the whole mess. I … took on Wolfram and Hart to protect … something. From that moment, it was only going to go one of two ways, and this … this was the better of the two possibilities. Wes is … gone. Lorne? He's gone too, but not in the same way. He's alive, far as I know, but what I asked him to do? It killed something inside of him. Gunn? I just hope he pulls through. Fred's gone too. Again, because I took on Wolfram and Hart."
He's silent for a moment, then he pulls himself up straighter in the bed. "The battle, well, it was an anticlimax pretty much from the moment Willow appeared. She started, you know, sending out these energy bursts, and they were falling all around us. I wanted the dragon, but when she appeared, it veered off. I heard it took Spike. Then I got hit over the head – I'm not sure of the details - and I woke up here. Illyria got help for us – Willow, Gunn and me. She was the only one left standing."
"She's … different."
"She is that. When … when Fred died, I just wanted to destroy her. And then, it's as though, once she lost the bulk of her power, bits of Fred keep leaking through. I mean, she can be Fred if she wants to; I've seen her do it. But, when she's not trying, when she thinks it's just her … I like to think that something of Fred's still there."
He seems lost in thoughts for a moment.
"It's been a tough year," he says quietly.
I feel kind of like saying 'Been there, done that,' because it's so like what happened at Sunnydale. I made the decision to attack. I made the decision that Spike would wear the amulet. Yes, they all agreed. I didn't force anyone to be there, but those who died … I was responsible.
I'm surprised out of my thoughts by Angel's voice.
"I've been thinking about the future."
"Oh."
"Yes. Well, Wolfram and Hart's gone, but the Senior Partners will be back in some form or other. It might take them a while to regroup, but they'll be back. So I think I'll go back to running my own agency. Since I've lost the whole 'super strength' vibe, I'm going to need someone else."
"There're plenty of Slayers around now. Maybe I could speak to Giles."
"I was hoping that, maybe, you'd like to join the team."
"What team?" I ask, wondering just who's involved.
"I don't know yet. I guess we'll have to see. Gunn's a given if he's interested, and we could do with someone on the research front too, but you've got the strength and experience."
"Isn't Illyria strong?" I ask.
"Yes, but she's got her own agenda. I don't know if she's going to want to hang around now. But that's not the point, is it? I'd like you to stay here, work with me. Between us, we can do so much good, help so many people."
"I don't know, Angel," I answer. "I've got a life now - in Rome. I've got a job that I enjoy, and I still get to go and slay some demons pretty regularly. In a lot of ways, I'm my own boss, even if I do get paid by the Council."
"Is this because of the Immortal? I know you've been seeing him. Is that why you're turning your back on me now?" He sounds angry, and I stand up again, ready to be angry back.
"Carlo's been good to me. He's shown me around Rome, and I've had a great time with him. And as for me turning my back on you, does the thing about the pot and the kettle mean anything to you? You left me in Sunnydale, not the other way around. I don't owe you anything, so what business is it of yours that I've been seeing someone?"
"It … isn't. I know that. I just hoped that now … you'd be willing to come home."
"Look, Angel, Carlo doesn't own me. I like him. He's fun to be with, but it's not serious. If I stay in Rome, I'll probably go on seeing him, but if I decide to move somewhere else, then that's fine too. The decision comes down to what I want. Not you, or Carlo, or … anyone else. Ok?"
"Ok, I'm sorry, Buffy. I really am. I …"
And then it occurs to me. How did he know about Carlo? I know Giles was keeping tabs on Angel, but has Angel been watching me too?
"Who told you about Carlo?" I demand.
He looks embarrassed.
"No one. Or, not like that."
"What do you mean 'not like that'?"
"Well, it was Wolfram and Hart policy to keep an eye on people they considered a potential threat. I got those reports, but I only scanned them. Then, last year, the department that collated the reports linked you with the Immortal, and they alerted me. I'd told them to let me know if anyone on a given list - people I care about - were potentially in danger. Consorting with the Immortal was considered to be dangerous."
"More dangerous than fighting demons? More dangerous than closing the Hellmouth? The only thing I was in danger of was having a good time," I respond, my voice shriller than I expected, but Angel doesn't seem to notice, since he just goes on talking.
"… and well, we had to go to Rome on other business."
"You … came to Rome? You were in Rome and didn't tell me? Or would that have interfered with whoever you had keeping tabs on me?"
"We tried to see you, but you weren't in."
"You tried? Wait a minute. Who's we?"
"Spk n me," he mumbles.
"What?" I ask, knowing what I think I heard but not quite believing it.
"Spike and me," he answers more clearly.
"So, Spike was in Rome too? And neither of you bothered to say 'Hello'? He must really have hated me."
Angel looks confused. "Who? Who hated you?"
"Spike, of course. He didn't let me know he was back, and he didn't even want to talk to me when he was in Rome."
"He didn't hate you," he disagrees.
"Doesn't sound much like he cared."
"Look, Buffy, the first thing he wanted to do when he got back was call you, but he couldn't. Well, he was a ghost at first - stuck close to the Wolfram and Hart building. Later, when he got his body back, he left. He was going to go to Rome, but he changed his mind. I think, maybe, he realised at last that you had a life without him and that you were better off that way. Whatever the reason, I wasn't going to argue him out of it."
"Spike was a ghost?"
"Well, yeah, at first."
I'm thinking about that – how awful it must have been for Spike. "You mean he could, what, walk through things?"
"Incorporeal was the word we used. He couldn't feel anything, hold anything. He could still talk and he made a royal pest of himself."
Wait a minute. This isn't about Spike annoying Angel. I can sort that out in my head later. This is about what happened later.
"So, why didn't he call me when he could? Stupid vampire. This is your fault, isn't it? You made him think I wouldn't want him back again, didn't you? I've missed him this year. Really missed him. I don't know what would've happened between us, but there've been times when I've turned around to ask him something, to tell him something, and I realised he wasn't there, and it hurt."
"I'm sorry, Buffy. Yes, I think it's for the best that he's gone because I don't see how he could possibly be good for you, but I'm sorry that it hurts."
He looks contrite, but the arrogance of him telling me that Spike wouldn't be good for me is almost enough to make me explode again. Only the return of Willow and Illyria prevents further fireworks.
Willow hands me my soda, and Illyria gives Angel his coffee. We all sip from our drinks, and I do my best to calm down. I look at my watch and decide that the best thing I can do is have some sleep.
"I'm going now, Angel. I'll be back tomorrow. When are they going to let you go home?"
"In the morning, I think," he answers.
"How about you, Will? You've got my cell number? Call me when they're ready to release you, and I'll get this Council chap I've been assigned to come and get you."
"Thanks," Willow says. "But, if I go and talk to the doctor maybe I can leave right away."
"Good idea," I agree, as she leaves the room.
With only Illyria still with us, Angel seems to become more confident again, holding out his hands to me. I take them, but keep my distance.
"Think about what I said," he asks. "Please. I know you gave me the whole speech about cookies, and I don't know how long these things take, but surely you can bake here as easily as Rome. And I can't believe there isn't a better analogy than that."
I smile at that. It does seem sort of silly, but it was the best I could come up with then, and I can't think of anything better now.
"I'll think about it," I promise.
Angel seems to take that as more of a yes than I intended, because he squeezes my hands. "It'll be great, Buffy. You'll see."
"I only promised to think about it," I remind him.
"I know, but … when you do, I'm sure you'll see it's the best idea."
I'm relieved when Willow returns a quickly with the news that she's being released, and we go back to her room so she can dress and pick up her things.
First priority is going to be to get some sleep. Then, I've got to do some serious thinking about the future.
