Chapter Six: Ducky

October 20th
Ducky Takes a Fall

Could it be possible that this is the worst day of your life? It's possible. Anything is possible. It's possible that you'll wake up tomorrow morning and this was all a dream.

It's not probable, but it's possible.

Ducky, you've always been a bully magnet. It's what you get for not wearing the "uniform" of Abercrombie shirts and designer jeans. So, you like vintage clothes. And not the "vintage" clothes you get from Hollister, but from an actual vintage clothes. Hell, it comes from the fact that you LIKE clothes.

It's the fact that you don't think of girls as chicks and babes. They are people too. Of course, more than anything, more than you've ever experienced in your life, bullies have now realized that you didn't think of girls as chicks because you certainly weren't interested in girls that way.

The Cro-Mags have been implying it for years. You almost sort of hate to prove them right.

But then there's Justin. You wouldn't give up Justin for a million bullies.

The difference between you and Justin is the fact that people like Justin. And not just like him, they respect him. No one would pick a fight with him. No one would harass him in the halls. He's popular.

There are people who can't understand why in the world, out of all the girls at Vista, Justin picks YOU, but sometimes you can't understand it either. You've come to not question it.

School is still horrible. When Justin isn't around. When he's around, it's like you have a barrier. When he's not around, you're a duck surrounded by sharks.

When you had your schedule made, you fought and protested, but apparently PE is very important to your brain. According to the school, if you don't take PE, your brain will fall out your ears and you will die. Because according to them, if you don't take it, you won't graduate, even though you're only junior and you still have another year of school to worry about it.

Nope. Nothing can be done.

Worst part? Cro-Mags, Cro-Mags, Cro-Mags. Including the Jay Formerly Known as Jason. Jay Formerly Known as Your Friend.

"Duckster!" he calls to you across the locker room on the first day. So much for sneaking in unnoticed. You've found that you will do anything to keep from attracting attention to yourself.

You give him a half-hearted wave and change into gym clothes.

Life in PE hadn't been too bad.

Until today.

It's after class and you run in for a quick shower because nothing takes it out of you like being pelted with dodge balls for half an hour. This is by far the most nerve-racking part of your day.

You've known it would start sometime. You hoped it wouldn't, but you knew it would.

Showering. Not that you ever looked around the locker room comparing yourself to the other guys or anything before, but you know that if your eyes move from that one place on the wall, no matter what you're actually thinking (random Cro-Mags in the locker room is not your idea of a single's bar), it's all over from there. They will considering that you provoking them and MAKING them harass you.

After seventeen years of being bullied, you know what they're thinking.

So while looking at your spot on the wall under a frigid shower (not for any real reason, except your own insurance policy. Just in case), they figure you've gotten away with being gay (or whatever) and in their locker room for long enough.

"Look at the faggy," says one. You know him. His name is Greg, but everyone calls him G-Dog. He's not stupid, despite his stupid nickname, you know he's not, but he's certainly not the brightest crayon in the box.

You cringe and turn off the water, trying to leave as quickly as you possibly can, but you feel hands shove you against the wall. Your lip hits the wall and splits in the same place it did back in July, the last time you were harassed for being with a guy.

"I'll bet Ducky here likes getting it up the ass," G-Dog says. He slaps your rear with a towel (the old towel-snap. You're familiar with it) and everyone laughs. "You knooooooow that he's the girl. Randall wouldn't have it any other way." More laughter.

Your eyes fill with tears of humiliation, but you can't let them see that. You just grit your teeth and wait until it's over.

It is. G-Dog makes a few more rude comments at your expense and then he's done. Not before grabbing you by your hair and sort of shoving you to the ground. You don't fall all the way, but stumble.

"Randall's just looking for an ass to fuck," G-Dog says. "You were just the nearest sucker."

More laughter. You look around, and there are a few guys who aren't laughing (Jay included among them), but they aren't doing anything to stop it. You grab your towel, get dressed in record speed, and get out of there.

You know you should report this. This isn't just name calling. This was serious abuse. But you also know that reporting a bully will only make your life worse.

You can't help but wonder about what G-Dog said. ARE you the girl in the relationship? Does it even work that way? You know that taking anything a Cro-Mag says seriously in context to your real life isn't never good, and probably doesn't mean anything. You KNOW that Justin doesn't think you're a sucker. If you know that, then you should know that your relationship with him isn't based on who's the "girl" and who's the "guy."

It was all you could do to keep from crying, though, when Justin asks you how your day was that afternoon.

"Okay," you manage.

You can't hide your split lip.

Justin takes your chin in his hand and inspects your mouth. "When did that open back up? I thought it was healed."

You tongue the cut and shrug. "I must have tripped while getting dressed this morning."

You hate lying to Justin, but he wouldn't understand. He's getting the ideal gay in high school experience. People (strangers, people he doesn't even know) actually stop him in the halls and tell him how much they admire him for it. No one besides your friends has ever said anything remotely like that to you. Justin wants to join the GSA. He wants to make it the ideal gay high school couple experience.

You know he wants to be together again. Like back in July. Even though you might not admit anywhere else than this journal, you want it too.

But if you're going to push Justin away, you might as well go all the way.

He accepts your lie and kisses your lips softly. "All better."

You know he's teasing you, so you smile. Your stomach does a flip-flop, partly because Justin is being amazingly sexy, and partly because you're wondering if anyone saw.

"Do you have work tonight?" Justin asks.

"No," you reply. You fuss with the books in your locker.

"Want to come over?"

You pause, touching the cut again with your tongue, thinking about the bullies. Thinking about how if he keeps this up much longer, it won't be easy to say no. It won't be easy to walk out to your car. Thinking about what else you could be doing this evening that seems so much less appealing that hanging out with Justin.

He doesn't catch any of that though. He smiles. "I'll be gentle."

He thinks you licked the wound out of fear of it opening again while making out. All you want to do is cry.

Justin's smile drops. "Is everything okay, Chris?"

You force a smile. "Yeah."

This time he doesn't believe you. "If there's anything bothering you, you can tell me. Even if it's me."

"It's not you," you reply honestly. "I'm just tired, and I have a lot of homework."

He grabs your hand. "We don't have to do anything. We could just hang out and do homework."

He's trying. He's reaching out to you. He wants you to be closer, even if it's not making out or oral sex or anything. He just wants to be with you. It's honest, it doesn't have an ulterior motives.

You can't resist.

"All right," you say, smiling genuinely for the first time since this conversation began.

He kisses you halfway on the mouth, halfway on the cheek because you turned your head. "I'll meet you at my house, then?"

You nod. "Sounds good."

He walks away, looking pleased.

"Hey," Sunny says coming up behind you. "I saw you talking to Justin, so I waited."

You really wish Justin and Sunny would become friends. They know each other, we all hung out together this summer, but they aren't friends. They would never do anything together without your presence. Sunny obviously doesn't even feel comfortable coming up to you while you're talking to him.

"It's okay," you say. "What's up? You want a ride home?"

"If it's okay," she says. "I heard... a rumor."

"I know," you say, trying to joke, "it turns out I'm actually gay."

She smacks your shoulder lightly. "Not that. I overheard G-Dog bragging about-"

"It's nothing," you say.

"So it is true." Worry fills her eyes. "Ducky, I'm so sorry."

"It's not a big deal." Liar.

She hugs you and it feels pretty good to accept a hug.

"Want to come over?" she asks.

"Can't, I'm going over to Justin's."

She smiles. "Good. After you drive me home, right?"

"Right."

Another day down.

Another day to go.