November 18th
Ducky Enters the New World
Walking into the GSA meeting with Justin was probably the scariest thing you've done in your life. Sure, everyone knows that you and Justin are together, but this is the first time you've made, what seems like, a public statement saying that you are. And in saying that you are, means that you can't (not that you HAVE) deny anything.
The official gay statement. WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME WRITING THAT WORD?
Gay.
Gay.
Gay.
It looks the same. It's not a big deal. Is is some sort of identity struggle? If you and Justin broke up would you go out with another guy? Would you go out with a girl? Would you just stay in that, though sometimes lonely, reasonably comfortable, dateless space you were in? Does going to the GSA mean you ARE gay? Or are straight? Or somewhere in between?
The words stop making sense.
So much for pushing Justin away. What were you thinking last week when you agreed to this?
There are probably about fifteen or twenty other people there, mostly girls. Two of the girls are holding hands. They smile at you. You give them a shaky smile in return.
You don't remember anything about the actual meeting. You wonder if you said anything stupid. You wonder if you said anything at all. You must have, from the way Justin is smiling at you after the meeting is over.
After the meeting part is over, it's sort of a hanging out time. Of course your first instinct is to run. But Justin has your hand, so you stay. The girls who smiled at you walk over.
"Hi," says one of them. She's about a header shorter than you with red hair and a nose ring. She's wearing a Kittie t-shirt. Her fingernails are painted black. "I'm Rachel."
"And I'm Olivia." Olivia is a little bit taller, full figured and blonde. She sort of reminds you of Marilyn Monroe. Even in the way she dresses, really classic and vintage.
"I'm Justin and this is Chris. Everyone calls him Ducky, though," Justin says with ease. Of course it's with ease. He's good with people. That's WHY he's so popular.
"Nice to meet you," Rachel says to me. She looks at Justin, grins and points at him. "But I know you. Everyone knows you."
Justin laughs. "Well, thanks?"
"Don't mind her," Olivia says with a bit of a Southern accent. "We just wanted to come introduce ourselves. We took over the GSA at the beginning of the year after Simon graduated. Which, as sophomores is a big deal. Sadly, Mrs. Kreuger couldn't be here today. She sure would have loved to see y'all here."
"Mrs. Kreuger?" you repeat dumbly.
"She's our teacher sponsor, didn't you know?" Olivia asks.
You didn't, but it doesn't surprise you.
Olivia chats a mile a minute. Finally, you tap Justin's shoulder.
"It's almost four-thirty now," you say.
"Whoops," Justin mutters. "Sorry, we have to go. I've got band practice and he's got work."
"You'll be back, though, right?" Rachel asks.
"For sure," he replies.
You don't know why you're uncomfortable there. At least you didn't. You realize now. You were in a room full of people who were so comfortable with themselves that they were willing to tell the entire school, "I'M GAY!" or "I'M STRAIGHT!" You were in a room full of people who knew exactly what they wanted out of, at least that one aspect of their lives.
You are not one of those people. You have no idea.
But it's possible that you're ready to try.
November 19th
Today started off so innocently. You're working at the store, thinking about spending the weekend at Justin's, and wondering what that has in store for you (since Justin won't be in town next weekend. He's going to his dad's for Thanksgiving), when you hear the door open.
You walk away from the shelf you're... shelving and say a friendly, "Hello," but before the H is from your mouth, you stop in your tracks.
"Hey, Ducky."
It's Alex. Almost a year ago, Alex was sent off to Chicago after his suicide attempt, and now... he's back.
"Alex," you say.
You stare at each other for a minute and you can't help yourself. You don't care. You give him the biggest hug you could possibly do. To your surprise he hugs you back.
"How are you?" you ask. "Are you...?"
"Cured? Back for good?" Alex suggests.
"Yeah."
"Maybe? And... maybe." He laughs uncomfortably, but you can't help but think how good it is to hear him LAUGH. "Good enough so they could send me back home. But I'm on my best behavior, because if my mom or my new doctor suspect anything, I'm on a flight back to Chicago."
"New doctor?"
"Yeah, I needed someone new. Someone who wasn't... someone who didn't see me back then. I'll give you the number so you can make sure I go."
This is a switch. This is good. Right?
"Oh, I got this for you." Alex holds out a box.
You take it from him. Frango mints. You told him to get some before he left. You feel your eyes well up with tears. You're so absolutely touched that he remembered.
"Thanks," you say. You get a good look at him. Same blonde-brown hair. Combed, which is a changed from the last time you saw him. Same clothes, less wrinkled, but generally the same. Same face, same everything. But something is different. His eyes actually seem to have LIFE about them. It's a spark that he had been missing. You notice, though, that his left arm is covered, COVERED, in scars. Some of them are white, others are red. Some of them are still scabs. You actually gasp.
Alex seems to instinctively grab his left wrist. He can still read your mind. He gives you a weird smile and shrugs. "Turns out when you feel, you actually have to deal with that."
And that's that.
"How are YOU?" Alex asks.
"I'm... good." You pause, knowing full and well you'll have to tell him about Justin. So instead of avoiding it, you might as well get it out there. "I'm dating someone."
Without a beat, Alex asks, "What's his name?"
"Justin," you reply. "How did you know?"
"I've always known. I've been your best friend for as long as I can remember. Believe me, I know." He pauses. "Well, best friend if you'll still take me."
"Of course!"
He smiles. "Good. So. Justin. How long?"
"Since the end of June," you say. You open the box of mints and take out. SO GOOD. You offer the box to Alex.
"No, thanks. I tried them. I don't know what you find so appealing about them."
"They're great!"
"No, Chicago pizza, that's what's great."
You want to hug him again, hearing him say something so POSITIVE.
The two of you talk all through the rest of your shift, getting yelled at by Mr. Winslow for not finishing the shelving. But then he sees how much business you did, and all is suddenly forgiven. Ahhh, the power of the almighty dollar.
You invite Alex to come over to Justin's with you, but he respectfully declines. Or as he puts it, "I'm not butting in on date night. Besides," he adds, "Mom is being pretty strict on times I come and go. Which... is okay."
"When are you coming to school?" you ask, walking out the door.
"After Thanksgiving. There wasn't any sense in me starting right before the vacation. A whole week of no school means a whole week for me to look for a job. My shrink in Chicago suggested some kind of retail or waiting tables or something. You know, something where I have to look outside myself to do."
"That makes sense."
"Yeah. So I'll be applying to every pizza joint in Palo City. But not the mall. I refuse to go to the mall."
You laugh. Alex laughs too.
You feel that connection again. GOD, you missed him. And not just since he's been gone. He's been gone so much longer. This is what it feels like to REALLY have him back.
You give him a ride home like old times. Alex gets out of the car and he walks around to your window.
"Just so you know, Ducky," he says, "you don't need to worry about me. Not like you did."
You shrug. "It's not a problem. It's my pleasure."
"I know," he replies. "But I'm okay. Mostly okay."
"I'm still here," you say.
"I know," he repeats and goes inside.
You drive to Justin's, bursting with the news.
He's fixing a pseudo Thanksgiving dinner for the two of you. Stove Top. Deli turkey. Cranberry sauce out of a can. Instant mashed potatoes.
You tell him what happened while putting together turkey sandwiches.
"That's great," he says. He sounds concerned.
"Is everything okay?" you ask.
"I just... nothing."
You raise your eyebrows. "Okay, then."
The two of you eat dinner, talking about school, and what not, and Justin asks, "So, is Alex like... an ex boyfriend?"
You nearly spit out your mouthful of Coke. "WHAT? No, just a friend. I've known him for years. Nothing like that has EVER happened."
Justin seems a lot more friendly about the whole Alex subject. It's nice to know you're not the only with insecurities.
