Chapter Fifteen: Justin

It's December the second. Thursday.

Band practice today. We have a show on the 15th. We're wrapping up recording this weekend. Six songs on a CD. I'm really looking forward to the finished product. Hopefully we sound as good as Rainah and Amalia swear we do.

After practice, I was packing up my guitar when Maggie approached me. Which is not something that generally happens. Fact is, we sort of avoid each other. Despite that fact that we're both seeing other people, there's always been something unresolved.

Hey.

I looked up. Hey. What's up?

I was wondering if you wanted to go... get something to eat? Or something? She looked nervous.

Okay. I nodded.

So I put my guitar in the backseat, and Maggie got in the front. I drove us to a diner by my house.

I've never been here, Maggie said.

It's good. I guess it's not really in your neighborhood.

Not really.

We got a booth and sitting across from each other, we ordered our food (well, I ordered food, Maggie got a diet Coke and something seemed terribly familiar) and then we sort of stared at each other for a minute.

So what's up? I asked.

Mrs. Smith talked to me about you joining Inner Vistas. She said that you weren't interested.

Not really a writer.

I hope I didn't have anything to do with it. I know that sounds horrible and self absorbed, but I know I can't be the only one who feels like we screwed up something.

I guess not. I guess I know that something's wrong here.

Yeah, and I don't want it to hurt the band.

Right. The band.

Maggie looked at her hands. I'm not very good with words.

You write great songs.

Well, that's writing. I can't talk. I can hardly sing.

That's not true.

She rolled her eyes. Then her face sort of scrunched up, like she was thinking very hard about what she was about to say.

What is it? I asked.

I... that time we went out, I was so messed up in the head. And I know you took it as I was... not interested in anything, but it turns out I was just only interested in myself. And I know I screwed things up, and... do you want to know something stupid?

I don't know, do I?

She laughed. It's dumb. I actually had myself convinced that it was my fault that you were... gay. Even though I know it's not a fault thing or... anything like that. It... wasn't, was it?

No! No, nothing like that. And, no, it wasn't anyone's fault. I'd never really been much of a, no, that's wrong. I'd kind of always had been into Chris- Ducky. You know. And when I started hanging out with all of you guys and you were hanging out with him, it started to seem like it was right. But I was too scared to admit it, and I am still into girls. When all the relationships around me starting failing... I thought I should stop taking the safe route. Maybe taking a risk could help make things better.

Maggie shook her head. And you said you weren't a writer.

I laughed. Our food came and I offered Maggie my fries and unfamiliarly, she took some.

So, she said, will you join the Inner Vistas? You don't have to write, you can just read and I'll say you're doing lots of work. And you can put it on your transcripts.

Okay, I replied.

And that's how I became part of the Inner Vistas staff. And how Maggie and I became friends. Actual friends, not just people who spent time with the same people.

I've been thinking a lot about this house thing. Mom wanting me to take the house. I think what bothers me the most is that it's like if she can just send checks to pay for all the bills, it's easier than actually dealing with me.

Which is I guess is the idea. If she has to forget she had a husband, has to forget she had one son, she can just have to forget about the other one.

Chris says I should call her. Or maybe I should call Mike.

Huh. Maybe if I could talk to Mike enough, I become him and make Mom really happy for once.

That was mean. And wrong. But sadly true.

I'm going to bed.

It's the sixth of December. Monday.

CD is done. At least the recording parts are done. I feel like I have that weight off my shoulders. It's out of my hands now. Well, out of our hands.

I took Chris's advice. I called Mike Saturday night. It went a little something like this:

Hello? It was some woman.

Is Mike there?

Yeah, hang on. Who's calling?

It's Justin. His brother.

Oh! Hi! She sounded genuinely happy to hear it was me. I'm Veronica, Mike's girlfriend.

Nice to meet you?

Let me get Mike.

Thanks.

Justin? It was Mike.

Hi.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I just... wanted to call.

Oh. Okay.

It's been a while.

Did you have something you wanted to talk about, Justin?

No, not really. I just wanted to talk to you. I mean, we're brothers, do we need something specific to talk about?

Is this about Mom?

No, I lied. I just wanted to talk. You know, it's been almost two years since I've talked to you. Since you left.

I know... has it been that long?

Yeah, it has.

Sorry, man.

I hung up. So much for talking to Mike about my problems. And when he realized that he didn't even call me on my birthday, all he could say was sorry. Well, I'm sorry too, Mike. Sorry that sorry just isn't good enough.

I don't know what I expected him to say. Maybe it was just his tone. It wasn't genuine. It was like when I ran into Dad at the state fair. That surprised way he said my name. At least he called me by my name.

But things have gotten better since then. I liked spending Thanksgiving up in Oakland. I like Dad's new wife. My stepmom, I guess. Wendy's really nice. Her kids are nice too. I just felt a little out of place. This is Dad's new life. I was part of the old life.

But Dad and Wendy made it clear that I was welcome there.

It's more than I've got going on here.

I guess I'll even take a little bit. Here I've got Chris. I've got the band. I guess they're my family now.

But I sort of wonder now... what colleges are in Oakland?

Oh, meeting at Inner Vistas was horrible. I have the feeling that friends or not, Maggie is going to fire me. And I wouldn't blame her.

December ninth. Thursday.

GSA meeting. Went alone. Chris is... I don't know what Chris is. I don't know how to handle this. I hate this flying blind thing. God. I just want to be close to him and every time I try he pulls away. Well, not every time. But most of the time.

I don't understand. I really don't. I wish he would talk to me.

After that, I went to practice. Or the non-practice. I went over the Chavez's and everyone was kind of standing around, minus Rico.

What's going on? I asked.

Bruce started laughing.

It's not funny! Amalia said. She paused. Okay, it's a little funny, but it's not. At all.

Well, what is it? Maggie asked.

Practice is cancelled. I didn't find out 'til I got there. Rico's sick.

Then what's so funny?

Bruce's laughing got louder.

Amalia even stifled a giggle. It's not funny. Rico has gonorrhea.

WHAT? Maggie said.

Apparently safe sex isn't so safe, Patti said. Even she was giggling.

Did he catch it from what's her name? I asked. The Asian girl.

Shan Mei? No, he said it was some girl named Nina. Bruce said. But he needs to tell Shan Mei because they're still together.

Then how does he know he didn't catch it from her? I asked.

Bruce shrugged. Got me. I didn't ask.

Ew, Maggie said.

So, that's today's lesson, kids. Condoms good. And cheating is bad.