December 23nd
It has been brought to your attention that Christmas is probably, by far, the best holiday ever.
Or perhaps you're just thinking that because you just got a really great present. Well, it has been a better day in your life and you write this entry with a smile.
Yesterday was, of course, the last day of school until next year. Your parents aren't coming home this year, but you don't really mind. You know that you will be able to spend the holidays with your fantastic boyfriend, and Alex mentioned something about you coming over for Christmas with his family. Sunny said that she was planning on dragging you to holidays parties after Christmas to keep her in line. You might even spend time with your brother.
But probably not.
However, today is a good day. Well, a good night, since it's nearly December 24th, well... wait... okay, it's December 24th now. You just watched the digital clock on the stove switch over to midnight.
The stove in Justin's kitchen you might add. Another night at Justin's house, this one not easily forgotten. Details? Details there shall be.
You left school and went to work, which is something you'll have to do over the holidays, but the store is closed Christmas and Sunny requested that you take off New Year's Eve for her, so you did that too.
Alex hung out at the store today. Something becoming common placed, and he wants to get a job there too because he hates his job, but after the last disaster with that, he's too scared to ask Mr. Winslow. So, until he can hold down the job he has now (bussing tables at Starburst's, stuck at the mall) for a few months, he's not going to ask about trying again at the bookstore. Hopefully soon, though. He's doing really well and you'd love to be working with him.
So for now he hangs out with you and stocks shelves on his own time.
"I can only take so much of Mom hovering over me," Alex says. He toys with a world religion book. He looks at you. "Do you believe in God, Ducky?"
"I never really thought about it," you admit.
"I have been. For a while now. I've been doing a lot of studying, trying to see if maybe God, or... something can help me. I've been wandering for a long time now, just wandering in nothing. I thought if I could find something to believe in, I could move on."
"Is it working?"
He smiles. "Not yet. Maybe religion isn't for me. But it was fun to think about."
You wonder if this is going somewhere. "Well, whatever you decide, you know I'm cool."
"Oh, whatever, Ducky, you're always cool." The two of you shelve books for a while when Alex asks, "So, plans tonight?"
"Justin's," you reply.
"Oh, speaking of, you know he's invited over for Christmas too, right?"
You smile. "I'll let him know."
After your shift, you take Alex home and then you go over to Justin's. You have a feeling of relief because there's no school in the morning, you don't have to be back at work until the 27th, and you have plans for tonight, and you have a... sort of family to join for Christmas.
This feeling of relief and peace is only added by a feeling of excitement when you reach Justin's. You park your car, grab the overnight bag you actually remembered to pack for once, and go up to the door. Your hand is poised to knock when you see a small sign over the door knob. In small letters it says "open me."
You grab the knob and open the door. Sure enough, it's unlocked. You walk inside, close the door behind you (locking it, because nice neighborhood or not, doors can't stay unlocked all night). You look around, and no one is in sight.
"Justin?" you call cautiously. You're curious, but you also figured he might as well know that the person who unlocked the door was the someone he was expecting. You walk around a bit, and see another sign pointing upstairs.
You smile and follow the signs. You reach the top of the stairs and you can see candlelight from Justin's room. The door is cracked open just slightly. You push open the door and Justin is sitting on the bed reading a book (You hope he hasn't been doing it too long, because he'll go blind reading by candlelight). He looks up at you.
"Hey."
You have to smile. "Hey. What's... all this?"
"Merry Christmas," he says. "I wanted to give you your present early. Before they all started rushing in."
You drop your bag on the floor. "What is it?" You have a feeling you know. Romantic lighting is a huge clue. Nervousness and excitement build up in your stomach. Somehow, you feel ready for it. All of your insecurities about Justin, all of the worries about school, it all melts away.
Justin reaches into his night stand and pulls out a box. Condoms? No, it's got shiny blue wrapping paper on it. And a silver bow.
You sit down next to him on the bed, feeling the pull of disappointment, but you have to admit, a present is nice. You brought Justin a gift too, but somehow, you didn't expect him to get you anything. You have no idea why you thought this, but you did anyway.
"I didn't bring your gift," you admit. "I was going to give it to you on Christmas."
"It's fine." Justin smiles. He hands you the gift. "Open it."
You hold the gift in your hand for a moment before pulling away the ribbon and ripping through the paper. It's a white box. You lift the lid and sitting on top of tissue paper is a silver chain. You pick it up and you notice that there's a small charm on it. You examine it closer, and it's a small silver ring. Smaller than anything you could wear. Sunny could maybe wear it on it her little finger, it's that small.
"Do you totally hate it?" Justin asks. His voice is full of the insecurity that usually fills yours.
You look at him. "I love it." It's an honest answer. You're completely moved. Without even thinking about it, your hand, the silver chain snaked between your fingers, finds its way around Justin's neck and you kiss him.
Thinking about it now, the new guitar case you got him, though needed and expensive, seems so totally un-intimate. But nothing can be done about it now.
Justin pulls you into a hug after the kiss. "This is what I wanted," he says. Then he kisses your neck softly.
"What? It was just a kiss."
"It was a good kiss." He laughs and touches your face. "I love you, Chris. I don't tell you that enough."
Your tongue feels twisted and too large for your mouth. Saying the words out loud, sometimes, you just can't make yourself say what you mean. Sometimes you wonder if your own emotions are half as important as everyone else's.
"It's okay," Justin says. He understands you so well sometimes. When you're alone. When it's just the two of you, he understands. "Honestly, you just... you told me how you felt when you kissed me."
It was cheesy, yes, but it was nice. So you kiss him again. And again. And again.
Both of you are pulling off shirts, unzipping pants (honestly, at that point you NEED to), and Justin pulls away.
"Do you want to do this?"
"Yeah," you reply without hesitation. You wanted it from the moment you walked into the room. You wonder if the necklace and the kisses were tests that it was okay to try this step again. It was great last time, but too soon. Now, it seems even more perfect. You're not nervous at all.
You're ready to lend a helpful hand to Justin's jeans, when he drops suddenly to floor. His hands rest on your thighs. "I'm in a giving mood."
"And I'm in no mood to argue," you reply.
He laughs. "Good." He pulls your jeans down around your ankles and then runs kisses up your left leg starting at the knee all the way up your thigh. After that, words leave you on how to describe. Let's just say that Justin can do things with his mouth you didn't realize were even possible. And the fingernail marks you left on his shoulder because of it aren't going anywhere too soon.
You realize, then, that Justin didn't bother with a condom and he has swallowed. Which makes you feel rather honored, but you have to mention-
"Condoms?" you say in a sort of asking tone.
"Oh," Justin replies. "Well, uh..."
"You're the only person I've been with," you say. "Don't worry. But is that a habit we want to get into?"
He shakes his head. "No, you're right."
You flop back on the bed. "Either way, that was amazing."
He crawled up next to you and kisses your neck. "Was it?"
"Mmmm...hmmm..."
Justin leaves a large hickey on your neck. It's scarf season for a reason, right? After he's done, he reaches into his night stand drawer again, this time retrieving condoms and a tube of lubricant.
"Where are we going with this one?" you ask, finally feeling a little nervous.
"Just fingers," he replies. "If you want to. If not, I'll just use to beat off or something."
"Well," you say, thinking it over for a moment, "I suppose I can try anything once."
When you're on your hands and knees on Justin's bed, his index finger (followed slowly by his middle finger) slipped into your anus, you remember the words of that Cro-Mag the first time they beat you up in the locker room. About you being the girl. Did this, right now, make you the girl?
It doesn't matter since what Justin is doing feels pretty damn good. It hurts, but in a good way. Some of the good comes from how when you make any sound, Justin asks, "Should I stop? Did that hurt?" Finally, you have to tell him the only reason for him to stop is if you say stop.
It only really hurts when he starts to move his fingers apart from each other, stretching outward. The whole thing is fantastic. Not only does it make you feel close to Justin, you feel mature. You feel adult. It probably just shows your immaturity that it took this act to make you feel adult, but at that moment, you don't care.
You roll over on your back when he's done.
"How was it?" Justin asks.
"Great," you reply. "You wanna try?"
His eyes light up. "You bet!"
So much for being the girl.
