January Thirty-first. Monday.
I haven't written in my journal in over two weeks. Two weeks tomorrow will mark the day Chris and I broke up. I think I got dumped, but it didn't feel like a dump. Either way, it's like this journal would be a big fat reminder. He's the only reason I put any effort into it anyway.
But then I realized that I started to miss it. Maybe I was just missing him (not that I don't SEE him, but I feel like I don't because we don't talk, look at each other, acknowledge that the other is there, et cetera). I don't know. But I sort of liked having that outlet.
Maybe this journal thing isn't so bad.
Besides, today things actually happened to me. The past two weeks have been nothing but school, track, band. And over and over again. Track meet on Saturday was a disaster. How many more days until I graduate?
I had a free period at the end of school. I didn't feel like going back to the empty house, so the idea was that I'd sit outside school until last period was over, and track down someone (I think I had Miles in mind. I've never gotten over the hilarity of a guy named Miles being a runner. He doesn't see my humor in it, though) and hang out until band practice at five.
Then I'd go back to the empty house.
That isn't what happened at all.
It was still before last period, but I was settling down on one of the picnic tables out back. I was thinking about pretending to look over my stupid English homework that's giving me hell, when someone plopped down next to me. I looked over. It's Dawn.
I know Dawn. She's friends with Maggie, Amalia, and Chris. However, that's about the extent of my knowledge. I don't think I've ever really actually talked to her, besides a hi here and there.
So I was surprised. Hi, I said.
Hi, she replied, like this was not out of the ordinary at all.
So... what's up?
Not much. Just thought you might like some company.
Okay... really, why are you here? I mean, aren't you siding with Chri- Ducky?
She looked surprised. Is this a war?
I... don't think so. But I figured there were sides. I mean, Maggie and Amalia have to be nice to me. But you don't.
It doesn't matter. You looked exceedingly lonely sitting here all by yourself, and doing homework probably isn't your idea of a good time. So let's go do something.
School isn't out yet.
Last period is P.E.. They won't miss me. She wrinkled her nose. And I won't miss it.
But...
Do you have anything to do this afternoon?
I shrugged. Band practice tonight at five.
It's one now. That gives us almost four hours to run around Palo City and be crazy.
Why are you doing this? I asked.
Because I want to. Now are you going to help me cut class or what?
It wasn't hard. We just walked out to my car. Across the lot, I could see where Chris' car had been covered with cardboard. I looked away. We got into my car and left.
Where are we going? I asked.
No idea, Dawn said.
Maybe it's terrible of me to say, but you don't seem like the type to cut class.
It's one class, one time. The world won't end. Oh, I have an idea. Turn up here, on the left.
I followed her directions until we ended up at the beach. We got out of the car and walked toward the ocean.
The beach? I said
She nodded. It's practically empty, except for one thing. Come on! She grabbed my wrist and dragged me down to the arcade. She got change for a couple dollars and went over to the Pac-Man machine.
What's the point to all of this?
She looked at me. Does there have to be a point to everything? Now, stop asking questions, and eat all the little dots.
I stopped being paranoid and relaxed. She didn't ask me about Chris, in fact, she didn't even mention him. We played Pac-Man, then moved on to the new Tekken machine and got my ass kicked royally.
Honestly, she said, I don't condone violence. I don't like... guns and stuff.
It's just self defense, I protested. We got food from the snack bar and were sitting inside, right next to the giant window that looks out into the ocean. Really, I said, it's not meaningless violence.
Tekken is just as violent as some of those war games. If not more. It says "we have a problem, let's use violence to fix it" and what's that saying to today's kids? That we're all so weak minded that we can't use reason to solve anything. She picked up one of her french fries. Should I really eat this? Who knows how much grease was used to fry this. Was it vegetable oil, maybe?
It was probably straight pig fat, I replied. I ate one.
Ew, she said. She pushed them toward me. I'm not even going to think about what's in this veggie taco. She took a big bite. It tastes too good for me to worry about.
What do you think those dots Pac-Man eats are?
I don't know... he eats fruit, bananas and cherries, maybe the dots are vegetables?
Or lard globules.
EW! Dawn said. The way it came out was a two-syllable word, like Euh-yewwww!
I snorted Coke up my nose. Dawn started laughing at me and handed me a stack of napkins.
General good time was had by all, I'd say. It was nice. I'd been in a funk. Not depressed or angry or anything, just in a funk. I think I'm pulled from it.
After we ate, we played Skee-Ball and sadly only got twenty-six tickets between the two of us. We went up and spent all of them on a blue plastic ring with a My Little Pony sticker on it, a red plastic top, a rubber spider, one neon green Chinese fingertrap, and a Tootsie Roll.
We left the arcade, joking about our horrible Skee-Ball skills, and walked along the beach. It was a warm day, compared to the chilly ones we've been having. Dawn looked out across the ocean.
My dad always said I was a water baby. I loved the ocean when I was little. It was... just something that was natural to me.
Do you surf or anything? I asked.
Not really. I do sometimes for fun, but I'm not that good. I'm a good swimmer, though.
You should join the swim team.
You're just trying to push the sports program on me. Really, I'm not an athlete.
Believe me, you need sports and all sorts of shit on your transcripts if you want to get into college. Or at least at the opening of your senior year when you've only had one thing going on, that's what Ms. Smith will tell you. Because that's what she told me.
Where are you going to college? Dawn asked.
Nowhere. Well, nowhere so far. I keep putting it off. I know I'm running out of time, but... for a while, I was trying to figure out what to do in context of what Chris was doing a year later and now that... I stopped and tried to gather my thoughts. Dawn didn't push me at all. Now that's not an issue and I'm just thinking about myself. I just don't know.
Well, there's nothing wrong with late admissions. They happen. She shrugged. There's nothing wrong with waiting a year or something either.
I had been thinking about getting gen ed's and that stuff out of the way at Palo Tech. Then when I figure out what I want to do, I can just jump right into it.
There's an idea, she replied smiling.
When I was up on Oakland for Thanksgiving, I sort of liked it there. I was thinking I might go up there. You know, close to my Dad who has gotten a new interest in me which is nice. I haven't gotten a chance to go back up there and visit again, but, uh, he calls a lot, once or twice a week. I even got a call from one of my little step-sisters one day.
That's so sweet, Dawn said. One of?
Two of them, Erin, she's six, and Annie. Annie's eight. They're sort of amazed by the idea of a big brother. So Annie called me and we talked about nothing for like half an hour. I guess I'm kind of amazed by the idea of little sisters.
If you went to school in Oakland, where would that leave Vanish?
I shrugged. No idea. Things right now with Vanish are... I looked at my watch. Running really late!
We ran up to the car, I dropped Dawn off at her house, and I sped over to Rico's, so thankful that I'd left my guitar in the car. I got there right at five. I grabbed my guitar and went in the garage.
You made it! Amalia said smiling.
I nodded a hello and unpacked my guitar.
I still can't get over the gorgeous new case Chris got me for Christmas. My other one was falling apart, and this one is fantastic. I opened it and, for just a moment, stared at the photo he had attached to the inside of the top. It was us together from the summer. Dawn's stepmother had taken it the day we went to that outdoor party thing and we were dressed up as angels.
It's one of those things, I keep meaning to take it out of there, but Chris attached it with velcro, and it's so loud that it'll make a scene, even in the usually loud garage.
Or I'm just making excuses. Whatever.
Amalia had the prints back from the photoshoot. There were a TON OF THEM.
Okay, she said, we need to pick out at least four pictures. One for the cover, one for the back, one that will cover the folded over area of lining, that will have everyone's names and what you guys play on it and one for the back of the lining. That will have the song list on it.
All the photos had to be approved by someone, but we got to weed out the ones that we know we didn't want. Like the 80's Halloween pictures or whatever they were supposed to be.
That was the only thing we could agree on, though.
Rico liked the regular shots of us looking like the normal teenagers we are. Bruce said he liked the way the ties looked on the woods. Maggie sided with him. Patti wanted the super formal ones. Amalia insisted that the white dresses on the beach were the best. There was actual shouting about this. I just stood back and watched.
Finally, Amalia turned to me. What do you think, Justin?
I think this is bullshit, I said. They're pictures, who really gives a rat's ass anyway? I don't know why this is such a freaking big deal.
Because it's the image, Rico said. Do we want people to think that we're something we're not?
Well, all those pictures make it look like we're friends and I'm starting to wonder.
I might as well have hit him. What's that supposed to mean?
It means that we haven't been acting much like friends lately. So just pick some damn pictures and let's get on with practice.
Silently, everyone weeded through the pictures, including me. We narrowed it down to ten pictures that all of us liked. Amalia put them in a manila envelope and that was it. Somehow, though, I think Vanish is losing it.
I keep thinking about Dawn asking me what I'm going to do about them after I go to college. Given, of course, that I go now. Really, I don't know if it's going to last long enough for me to worry about.
