Ode to Erik

Will The Rantings Ever Cease?

"Dear lord, he completely fumigated the gallery with his attempt to play Martha bloody Stewart, I shall smell burnt eggs for the next month. God awful stench gets every where! It's clinging to my armour! Completely useless; what a waste of perfectly good eggs and bread. Stick to throwing your knives and blowing buildings up you vigilante!

And that apron? What a joke! Where did that beauty spring from? That will definately woo the ladies won't it? Doesn't he realise that floral-kitsch and terrorist just don't go well together? How that little creature kept from laughing at him one only can guess!

Oh well she gobbled down that breakfast…yes very yummy wasn't it my lovely? Your fantastic rescuer saves you, brings you here and cooks for you! Amazing, what a gent! Impresses her with butter and tea and other fancies. But shall I tell her that her brave cad, after fourteen eggs and twenty-three slices of bread later, threw a paddy like a little bawling brat just because he couldn't get it right? Stomping his feet and clenching his fists, I thought his wig would pop clean off! Oh if I could just tell her…

Makes me chuckle he does; with his posh books, ever so eloquent linguistics and his never ending knowledge on everything! Perfect, just perfect isn't he? Well if she saw the things I could see, her view might be a bit different! He doesn't always read his high-to-do books you know. If I remember rightly, I have a Marvel comic in my left leg, a copy of Spiderman number twenty-five I think it is. Chucked it in there when he heard her moving about in her sleep last night, doesn't want his mysterious reputation to be tainted by Doctor Octopus….berk.

Well, I like this little creature, Eve or Evey I think she's called. Quite delightful she is. Polite, well mannered and no pretences, unlike my foolish sparring partner. Pretty too; I'd have been proud to ride into a joust with her favour with me! But then anything that distracts his attention from wanting to engage in battle with me gets my vote!

I think I've taken a shine to her (excuse the pun.) She seemed mightily impressed by my armour; having a good nose around me and admiring my gauntlets she was. But as a true gentleman I obeyed my law of the knights and stood silently with much chivalry. I really felt like we were bonding, really getting to know each other, until that masked ooff came along and stole her away from me. Dragging her off to watch some bloody film no doubt. Which one are you going to force upon her today?

Let me guess…

Yes I was right…

The Count of Monte Cristo…how did I know? He's seen it a thousand times and more! You're not Edmond you buffoon!

I know that's what he's thinking of when he's slashing me to pieces. He's Edmond Dantes and I always have to Fernand Mondego the bad guy.

"Surrender Mondego you dog, Mercedes is mine, you'll never have her!" He yells like Mercedes is stood behind me.

Oh shut up you daft git, you're such a prat.

I sick of being Mondego. Why can't I be Edmond for a bloody change! Give me a sword and I'll show you a dual!

Oh dear, here we go, three hours of pure boredom. I bet he'll start chatting away, showing off by spouting out all the lines to the film.

Oh look please, you two, can someone turn me around so I can face the wall or something?

Anything?

Please?

Oh why do I have to be facing the television?"