Chapter Thirty-One: Sunny

3/16

The Dad and Sunny family is crumbling. Dad and I hardly talk. We can't even look each other in the eye right now.

It's all like a big flare up. Will we go back to how we were faster this time? This time it's just the memory. This time... it's just the anniversary of the day she died.

Because, honestly, this past year has been so hard because it's always the first one. That was my first birthday without mom, our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas. And everyday, especially in the past few weeks, it's the first March 16th we've had since she was in our dining room in that hospital bed they set up, dying.

Somehow, I don't think that will make the coming year any easier.

But then again. This family crumbling could just be from the fact that I'm so rarely home these days.

Sneaking around can take up a lot of one's time.

But so far so good. The hardest part isn't the sneaking (though we will dismiss last week's near bust at school, could have been a disaster, but all ended well), it's the not telling anyone.

Ducky is on my ass about what I'm not telling him. If Dawn and I were really much of friends anymore (at least it's a faded and not a fight, so it doesn't FEEL like we're not friends) she'd be all over me. It's probably a good thing that Ducky is the only one I'm really close to. Or allow myself to be close to.

However, if he knew, he'd freak. He'd demand that I report it. Ha. Over my dead body. The second he reports those homophobic assholes beating him up. The second that there's something TO report.

Everything I have done I have wanted to do. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Because I know that if I told someone, it would be RAPE! ASSAULT! MOLESTATION!

And it is none of those things.

Yes, I'm aware of the words "statutory." I'm not an idiot. But as long as I don't say anything and no one finds out, who cares? What difference does it make?

None.

Absolutely none.

3/18

FRIDAY! FREEDOM!

Not really. I'm taking the weekend off from my double life to be a good daughter. Not that Lew made it easy. I was TRYING to leave school, especially since Ducky was waiting for me to surely interrogate me on the way home.

I was hanging out in the bio room, like any normal girl who is doing the bio teacher would do. Which probably isn't a scenario that happens too often, but we'll go with it.

"I've got to go," I said. I was sitting on his desk.

"Staaaaay," he said, sliding his arms around my waist. He was really being immature about the whole thing. Is being with me some sort of premature mid-life crisis? That's when people start to act totally nutso, right?

"Nope," I said, hopping off the desk. "I gotta go."

"We're on for tomorrow, right? Anything?"

"Nothing," I said. "I'm booked with family stuff. Next Saturday."

"I've got family stuff next weekend. My sister is coming down. Oh well, I'll just cancel or something. She'll understand."

"Ohhh, you're just going to make me feel guilty."

"No, no, it's fine. It'll raise more suspicions if you bail." Lew smiled. "Really. So what's so important that I'm getting dumped?"

My mouth opened, but words didn't come out. Somehow, discussing Mom didn't feel like something I wanted to do with Lew. That was sort of weird since I did everything else with him. But when he was looking me right in the face, it seemed too difficult to discuss.

"Sunny?" he said, his smile dropping. "What is it? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, really, it's just... oh well. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom's death. I'm spending the day with my Dad."

"Why didn't you say anything? Of course, that's important." He pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry."

"It's not like she died all over again," I said.

He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. He just held me. For about thirty seconds, because I REALLY had to go.

"We'll work something out about next weekend," he said, as I grabbed my backpack.

"I'll see you Monday, then!" I waved and left the room.

I ran downstairs and out the door to the parking lot. Ducky was sitting on the hood of his car waiting for me. I knew he was waiting for me by the look on his face. Ever since I had him cover for me last month, he's been totally distant with me. It's not like Ducky is ever really up front about things, but he's never like this. Not with me anyway.

"What?" I said, trying to be innocent.

"Nothing. Let's go."

Uh oh. I know that this isn't a good sign. I got into the car.

"How's the savings going?" I asked.

"Okay," Ducky replied. "From the estimate they gave me, I should have the money by next month. I can't believe how much painting a car costs."

"Is it just cheaper to get a new car?"

"Oh, no. No, not even close. It's just over three hundred."

"How much did you pay for this car?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not much more than that, I guess. But if I buy another car, this one will be falling apart. And hopefully it'll be nicer than this one."

So far so good. I got Ducky on a topic and he's talking. He's not really looking at me and his voice is sort of deadpanned, but he's talking. The boy can't resist to gossip, so I pull out my next trick.

"I heard that you were going on a date with that Randy guy. From the drama department."

"Randy? Durgan? No."

"Then who are you going out with?"

"No one."

"Liar."

"Tell me who you're going out with and I'll tell you."

Ouch. Low blow. But he got me. So I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride home. Ducky pulled up in front of my house and I didn't say anything as I got out, not even "thank you" which was probably rude, but what was I going to do?

I walked around the car, passing Ducky's window. He rolled down the window.

"Randy Durgan is straight. And I wouldn't see anyone in the drama department. Not right now."

"Because Justin's the in the play?" I asked.

"No, because there is a play. Remember when you saw that guy last year when they were putting on A Christmas Carol? It was useless. And you ended up with that weird guy in the auto shop class?"

"Are you trying to tell me that you're seeing someone in the auto shop?"

"No! I'm just saying that anyone in the drama department is useless during a show."

"Wait. Randy Durgan is straight?"

Ducky put his hands up to his face. He removed them. "Good-bye, Sunny."

I smiled. "Bye, Ducky. Thanks for the ride."

I went inside. Dad wasn't home, which wasn't surprising. He'd been spending more and more time at the bookstore. That's fine for me, but it makes the employees of the store a little nervous, having him hover over them.

I fixed myself a salad and went upstairs and did homework. Or at least I pretended to do homework. I stared out the window for a while. Then I doodled over my history notes. Then I started writing this entry.

I'm pretty useless. Good thing I have all weekend. I have no idea what Dad wants to do tomorrow.

I can't believe she's been gone for a year.

How am I going to feel twenty years from now? Will I still feel like this? Will I be amazed at how much time has passed like I am right now? Or will it just be another day, oh, she's been dead for another year, no big deal?

I hate it that I have to go through this.

3/19

It's over. I'm going over to Lew's tonight. Just so I can get out of the house.

It wasn't to terrible, I guess. Dad and I went out to breakfast. Well, brunch, since it was twelve-thirty, but we both had breakfast food. We didn't say a lot, and definitely no joking around. It was pretty much a "pass the salt" sort of meal.

I don't know what I expected. Mom really isn't a topic Dad and I discuss. We've spent the last year not talking about it and being okay. It wasn't going to be a giant sob-fest and suddenly we're telling each other how we feel. Feelings are another no-no topic for Dad and me.

So, we went down to where we spread Mom's ashes and hung out there for a while, not talking, and then Dad drove us home. On the drive home, I had to talk. I had to bring up SOMETHING.

"Is this next year going to be like last year?" I asked.

"What?"

"Well, it took us like until like September to figure out what kind of family we were without Mom. Once we got that, we were fine. But the past week, it's like we've reset. We're back to where we were after she died. Is it going to take us that long again?"

Dad didn't question me, so I guess he's felt the fact that we are the Dad and Sunny family and not just The Winslow's anymore because "The Winslow's" have Mom with them.

"I don't think so. I don't think we've reset. I think we'll be okay. I think... we're working things out still. But I think it'll be all right." Dad totally used the words "I think" way too many times. But to hear to him say it made me feel better.

It also made me feel totally suffocated. Working things out still? What does that mean? I thought we had this worked out. Mom is dead, we're left here. Am I still working things out without even realizing it? Is doing everything I do still WORKING IT OUT?

I was a tease when Mom was sick.

Am I a whore now that she's dead?

It's too terrible to even think about.

3/27

This week has been too busy to write. Spring break, busy, busy. I'm actually too busy to write right now, but... I think I'm officially freaked out. That last bit of control I thought I had with Lew is officially gone. Things have left pleasantly uncomfortable and have entered totally weird.

And wrong.

I think I have to get out of this.

Like any Saturday, I went over to Lew's. I didn't go over until the afternoon, because his sister was spending Friday night there. However, when I arrived there at four-thirty, she was still there. I had no idea what to do.

"Oh! Uh, I just, uh... Came by for-"

She laughed. "Sunny, right?"

I stopped stammering. "Right."

"We met back in October. I'm Winnie, remember?"

I did remember meeting her. But I didn't understand why she was acting so normal about this. I didn't know what to say.

"It's okay. Lew's told me all about you."

"All about?" I repeated.

"Everything. I think it's great. Girls should be allowed to explore their sexuality however they want to."

This should have been my first sign that something was off. However, I just relaxed. "Yeah, it's... it's great."

I came inside and kicked off my shoes like I always do. I walked into the kitchen where Lew as cooking. I came up behind him and wrapped my warms around his waist and kissed his cheek. It was weird doing that in front of someone.

However, Winnie didn't say anything. She just smiled and stirred the spaghetti.

We ate dinner, while Winnie and I discussed vegetarianism compared to vegan-ism and the differences. Lew, who will eat anything, didn't have much to say on the subject. Winnie is a vegan.

I liked her a lot.

Lew drank a glass of wine and let me have a couple of sips. It was sort of gross, but I didn't let on. Winnie didn't have any, declaring alcohol impure for your body.

She sort of reminded me of Dawn. She had the same sort of all mighty power state of mind that Dawn has. Though in Dawn it's annoying. In Winnie it was empowering. I felt like I could take on anything.

However, there was one thing that nagged me all through dinner. I knew Lew would want to have sex, I knew I did too, but what were we going to do about Winnie? Was she planning on leaving? Or was she going to just sleep KNOWING what going on in the next room over?

The thought sort of made me queasy. That was nothing.

Around seven, Lew and I were sitting on the couch. He was holding me. Winnie was sitting across the room on the love seat.

Lew stretched. "I'm ready for bed."

Obviously, I knew where we was going with this. So did Winnie. She smiled.

"Go ahead. Sunny and I can have some girl talk."

Or... maybe she didn't. I looked from her to Lew. "Uhh, okay."

He left and I stayed on the couch. Winnie sat down next to me. I started to feel awkward. I really wanted to follow Lew down the hall and lock the door, but since that wasn't much of an option, I just had to go with it.

"What I said about girls exploring their sexuality, I meant it," she said. She put her hand on my knee.

"Uhhhh," I said. "I like Lew, but, uh, I'm not... at all. Not that I've got a problem with anyone being gay, my best friend is, but, uh, not me."

"I'm not gay either. I just sometimes have sex with girls."

Well, it sounded gay to me. And I don't know what she was getting at. I mean, if Lew had told her that we were having sex, and she wanted something from me, she was barking up the wrong tree. I didn't just have sex with anyone. Lew is the first and the only. And it wasn't like I just did it without thinking about it.

Okay, it was a little random, that first time, but... oh why am I trying to explain myself? I know what I mean.

"I'm just not into that," I said. I tried to stop stringing together "uhh's" because that had to have "I don't know" written all over it. When I knew that all I wanted was for her to leave me alone with Lew.

Winnie took her hand off my knee. She put her hand on my shoulder and sort of pushed me up. "Go to him. I'll be in."

I didn't like the sound of this, but I did as she said. I felt a little bit more relieved when I was in the bedroom with Lew. He was shirtless and I crawled onto the bed next to him.

"I don't know about this," I said. "What did you tell her, exactly?"

"Just the basics. The truth," he said. He caressed my breast through my shirt. He didn't really seem bothered by anything I was saying. He had never been like this before. He was always so sweet, and now he was acting totally distant and weird.

"Maybe I don't want to tonight," I said uncertainly.

"What? You do it every other night? What makes tonight so different?"

I could feel myself falling into a trap. I KNEW it was a trap. But I fell anyway.

I'd been falling since day one.

"Okay," I said. I started to take off my clothes slowly in a mix of trying to be sexy and trying to prolong wearing them. It didn't matter. Lew helped me take them off as he pulled off his own pants.

I put Winnie out of my mind as Lew and I made out on the bed. Then the door opened and there was a flash. I looked up. It was Winnie holding a Polaroid camera.

"Don't mind me!" she said. Lew laughed. I felt like crying.

The pictures fell one by one onto the floor. Me lying the on the bed, Lew pretending to masturbate over me. Me sucking his dick. Him slapping my butt. Him biting my nipples. Us screwing against his dresser.

I'd never seen anyone use up film like that. Winnie was running around in just a bra, and she occasionally stopped to masturbate watching us. Lew took pictures of the two of us together.

Hours later, Lew and Winnie were asleep on the bed. I was sitting up on the end getting dressed. It was just after ten, so the buses were still running. I'd walk home if I had to. I'd run. I had to get out of there.

I have never felt so used and abused in my life. I thought sex was a game, when it's nothing but control. And to think that a week ago, I was defending this. Defending him. Was this all it was leading up to? Sex with the pictures? Watching his sister and me together?

By the hall light, I could see Polaroid photographs strewn all over the floor. I picked one up and looked at it. I could clearly see my face, fighting back tears. I could see Lew's face, clear as day, grinning as he fingered me. I picked up another, me and Winnie. Her laughing. I could see my tears shining in the flash.

I chose a few more. I slipped them into my pocket and I left.

They would never know they were gone. There were twenty more. Maybe thirty.

Even though I knew what happened last night ended things with Lew and me, I knew I suddenly held an ace.

And I would play the next game.