(Just a quick nod to the inspirational Belmont-Bellamy, thank you for your input...you know what I mean! This one's for you, enjoy!)

Ode to Erik

Man-Made Harpies

"Oooohhhh I tell you. This bloody place has been a buzz with chatter recently. It rings from every wall and corner, goes on night and bloody day! It's like living in a cattle market! The constant nagging and cat-calling of fish-wives and harpies.

Evey has been with us now for nigh on a month, and lovely it is too. I and my masked sparring partner are both enjoying her company, but I tell you that there are some here that are not! And I bet you can guess who they are?

Yes that's right. All those statues, sculptures and paintings that look like butter wouldn't melt, well mares they are! Like a pack of wolves, ravenous and baying for blood all the time! Crazed women; deranged and incensed with jealousy! The gossip and slurs I am privy to would amaze even the hardiest of souls! The get into their little gang and its open-day on Evey!

The slanders they fire at and about poor little Evey are untrue, horrifying even! I have never known women behave in such a way. Women in my day were graceful, poised and obediently polite. They spoke with confidence and yet with humility. Now-a-days it seems that women are worse than the men! The language is foul; it turns the very air I breathe blue! And the constant stream of tittle-tattle and scandal is akin to school-yard politics!

Poor Evey, if she could hear what I hear, I think she would flee the gallery and never return!

Just the other day, there I was minding my own business when Evey approached me with the usual yellow duster and metal polish. She set about as she does always, cleaning my various bits and bobs (and I very much enjoying this might I add!) When all of a sudden, there came the most bizarre and hideous hissing noise from the corner of the gallery to my right. I sneakily glanced around to see this thing that can only be described as a stone head void of a body mounted onto a wooden plinth, with its mouth wide open producing this foul sound.

Then to my amazement, that striking sculpture opposite me by the piano began to join in with this hissing. Pretty soon, there was a whole chorus of varying hisses resonating around the gallery! After a while, the hissing stopped and it wasn't until I gave it some extra consideration, that this hissing had ceased when Evey left the room!

A little later on when all was quiet, I confided in that block head Venus about what had happened. She explained (rather dizzily) that the head void of a body was in fact a tenth century sculpture from ancient Africa that spoke no English. She then explained that this apparent hissing was indeed aimed at dear Evey, as the head had taken an intense dislike to her when she saw her. Because she spoke no English, she resorted to hissing, which in tenth century Africa was a serious sign of hatred. I was then shocked to learn that nearly every other female artwork in the gallery felt the same, therefore joining in with the hissing, which had become an actual form of showing one's disgust and resentment.

Venus explained further that the females felt threatened and exceedingly jealous of Evey, as she was directing V's attention from them to her! Before Evey had arrived, V had spent many hours wandering the Shadow Gallery admiring the forms of these beautiful temptresses. But now, he no longer carried out his parade of admiration, instead concentrating his attention upon the fleshy, breathing one! Apparently, there is no ring leader in this group of scandal; just those who spot Evey first instigate it.

But the rumours? There are rumours you know! Ridiculous; and I know they are as I spend most of my day watching Evey and have listened to what she says of her life and past. Venus filled me in upon the latest rumours circulating about the poor child. They are varied and ludicrous I must warn you.

First of all, Evey actually has six toes on each foot and each toe is webbed, which means she is a love child of the Devil and Hades. Preposterous! Evey has normal toes that are not webbed as I have seen them myself. (I would hazard that rumour came from Miss Africa.)

Secondly, Evey sneaks out of her room at night and eats the entire contents of the pantry, leaving the wrappers then sneaking back to bed, that's why she is so fat. I doubt this one too. Evey never comes out of her room at night. Once she's asleep, she's asleep; I can vouch for that! And she can't be more than eight stone wet, the starved girl!

Another delight to spring from the over active imagination of these idiots, is that Evey has brain-washed V into letting her live with him and that she is planning to burn all his books, paintings and artworks so that he concentrates on her and her alone, and so they can have lots of babies. How outrageous! I saw him bring her back her, she certainly isn't brain-washing him, more than likely to be the other way around!

I can see them, watching her with their stone eyes and painted faces. Just waiting, praying for her to make a mistake; a stumble, a trip, anything to provide some gossip and twisted entertainment for them.

I tell you, what won't a jealous woman think of? They just love to fling their insidious lies about that poor girl, and she can't even defend herself!

Well, I have taken on that mantle; I am Evey's one protector! I have decided that I shall combat these heinous slurs and repugnant women by asserting my masculinity over them!

I shall stand tall and proud and true!

Their outlandish behaviour will go unvetted no longer!

I have battled dragons, knights and slain kings, these mere women are no match for me!

I am strong, I am Evey's last chance, the defender of her virtue, dignity and character!

I am going to tell these hags just what I think of them and where to stick their lies!

Well, I will, just as soon as that tenth century head thing stops hissing at me……."