April 4th
Justin dropped me off at the house after school. He had homework, I had homework. There wasn't time to do anything. That was okay since we'd hung out all weekend, except for my date with Christian Friday night.
When I wrote all about it, I kept mentioning Christian seeming in a daze, like he was in another world. He didn't seem to be paying attention to anything. I couldn't figure out what it was. He would stare off at neon lights. He picked at his food at dinner, then he gobbled down popcorn and candy at the movies.
None of it made any sense. Now it does.
I'd started on my homework right away. Well, not right away. I'd gotten a snack (leftover tofu salad), kicked off my shoes and socks. I was regretting all day wearing sneakers instead of sandals. It was perfect sandal weather out today.
I opened my window and started on my homework. I flipped on the radio. It was a perfect moment. Besides the homework, I mean. Homework or not, it was pretty nice. It felt like Stoneybrook in early June, edging onto summer. Just beautiful.
I was about half through English, when there's a banging on my door. I got up, expecting Jeff, since no one else in the house bangs on my door like that. I opened the door and it's not Jeff. It's Justin.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, probably sounding rude, but I didn't mean it that way.
He was grinning. He held a paper up. "Guess who just got accepted into San Francisco University?"
"NO WAY!" I screamed. I threw my arms around his neck and he swung me around the room. I knew that it was one of the schools he really wanted to get into that he actually thought he had a chance. Obviously, he had more than a chance! "This is so great!"
"I know!"
"What now? What are you going to study?"
"Whatever the hell I want!"
Carol stepped inside my room. "What's going on in here? You're lucky that Gracie is already awake, or you two would be putting her back down."
Justin held up his letter. "I just got accepted into college!"
Carol screamed (which is the sort of thing that would usually annoy me, her acting so much younger than her age, but today I was so excited for Justin, I forgot to be annoyed). She hugged Justin. "Congratulations!"
"Thanks." He was grinning like crazy. "Would it be all right if I took Dawn out for some celebrating?"
"Take me out?" I asked. "I'm the one who should be taking you out!"
"No way." Justin looked at Carol. "It's cool, right?"
"Of course, of course," Carol replied. She made a shooing motion for at the door, telling us to leave already. She left, but we didn't leave right away.
"This is so fantastic," I said, leaning against my desk. "Are you going to live with your dad?"
"Probably not," Justin replied, sitting on my bed. "The school is about half an hour away from where he lives, I MapQuested it. But I can go on weekends and holidays and stuff. I called Dad to tell him and he's totally excited. He said something about clearing out the guest room. I'm guessing that means a room for me? I'm not really sure."
"Of course it means room for you," I said. "Come on, let's go. I still do have homework to do tonight." I could hear the phone ringing, and, from probably the living room, I could hear Carol answering it.
I was right. Carol was on the phone in the living room. I didn't pay a lot of attention, since she knew we were leaving. We had just gone out the door and were almost to Justin's car, when Carol stopped us.
"Dawn!" she called from the door.
I looked at her. The phone was still in her hand, but she was obviously off. I was expecting her to say "get milk" or "be careful," so it was a shock.
She walked down the sidewalk, closer to me, so she didn't have to shout. She put a hand on my shoulder. "Honey, that was Christian's brother on the phone. Christian's in the hospital."
I gasped. "What? Why? What happened?"
"He didn't say."
"How did he get our number?" I have no idea why that question entered my mind.
"He looked it up in the phone book. Someone told him that you're Christian's girlfriend." Carol squeezed my arm. "Do you want me to take you there? I'm sure they won't let you see him, but... it may make you feel better. To be there."
"I can take her," Justin said. "Unless you just want to go, Carol."
"No, no, you two go," Carol said. "But call me. You have your cell phone, right Dawn?"
I nodded. I don't remember getting into Justin's car or driving there. I remember walking into the hospital and Justin asking about Christian at the front desk. We got into an elevator. The last time I had been at the hospital was to visit Mrs. Winslow. I started to cry.
"Dawn?" Justin put his arm around my shoulders. He didn't say anything or ask stupid questions (I hate when people ask "What's wrong" in situations where it's obvious or "Are you all right" when you're apparently not).
We got off the elevator and I followed Justin down a long, white hallway. We went into a waiting room area. It wasn't really a room. It was just some chairs in front of a nurse's station. Beyond it, I could see rooms with big windows. We sat down.
"Did the woman at the front desk say what was wrong with him?" I asked.
Justin gave me a funny look. "Dawn, we're in the hospital's drug treatment center."
It was like my stomach dropped out. I couldn't say anything. I looked around. There was only one other person in the waiting area. He was wearing a black suit with a red tie. He was reading a magazine, Forbes. He was around twenty-five or so and had black hair that was mostly pushed back out of his face, and a little long in the back. A black briefcase sat at his feet.
For some reason, I was just staring at him. He looked up at the clock during a page-turn, and I knew who he was. He had the same blue eyes as Christian. I tapped Justin's arm.
"That's got to be his brother."
Justin studied him for a moment and nodded. "Are you going to say something to him?"
"Yeah." I got up and walked across the room. "Uh, excuse me?"
He looked up at me. "Can I help you?"
"Are you, uh, Christian's brother?"
"Are you Dawn?"
I nodded.
He stood up. "I'm Frank Delgotto."
"Have they told you anything?" My voice was shaking. Not only was I worried, but Frank was the sort of person that just makes you nervous. Not in a creepy way, but more in the way that he's a very important person, and he's aware of it.
He sighed. "Apparently, Cristo has gotten himself badly involved with drugs."
"Again? It's Monday. It's the middle of the afternoon. What do you mean again?" My words were a total jumble. I couldn't seem to understand anything.
Frank gave me an odd look. "You didn't know about any of this. He never told you, and you're not involved at all."
I shook my head. I had no idea what he was talking about.
"Short story, this isn't the first time Christian has overdosed."
"Overdosed?" I gasped.
"Yes. He overdosed on cocaine when he was twelve. After that he was sent to rehab. I know since they he's been caught smoking pot and drinking, but hadn't moved back to hard drugs. Until now, that is. Honestly, I assumed that you were the reason. That, now, seems unfounded. You seem like a nice girl."
I had heard everything, but I was stuck on one thing. "TWELVE?"
"Out idiot brother George entered high school with the idea of partying. And, for some reason, took Christian with him. Christian was ten then. He was the only fifth grader with a nicotine habit. I'm not really sure of all the details, I was in college by then, but... I know it wasn't good. After his overdose, he went into rehab, and, as far as I knew, it wasn't this bad."
"How is he?" I asked. I was in shock, but I wasn't angry. Not yet anyway. I had to know if he was going to live first, I think.
"He'll live," Frank said. "He's having trouble breathing-"
"He can't breath?"
"He's breathing too quickly. His body temperature is too high, and they're concerned about kidney failure. Given the circumstances, he's not doing too badly."
"What happens if his kidneys fail?" I asked.
"He gets one of mine."
"Oh."
"You should probably go back home. They're not going to let you see him, they're hardly letting me see him."
"Oh... right. Thanks."
"Come back tomorrow," Frank said.
I thanked him again and walked back to Justin. "Let's go."
We rode in the elevator downstairs in silence. We walked out to the car in silence. We got in and Justin started the car. Before he pulled out of the parking lot, I exploded.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? DRUGS? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"
Justin didn't say anything. He just let me go on.
I was so mad all of a sudden that I could have killed Christian right then. Maybe it was the security of knowing that he'd live, but the fact that I'd been lied to since the day I met him suddenly hit me with full force. I was mad at Frank for assuming that I was the reason Christian was doing this. I was mad at Christian for whatever reason it was that he had been doing this. I was mad at the fact that I was going to have to go home, tell Dad and Carol, and get a big, fat I told you so.
"You ready now?" Justin asked.
I nodded, but I was stewing inside. I was basically angry at anyone who had ever screwed me over at this point. I felt all of my anger toward Mary Anne, Mom, Dad, Sunny came spewing out too. I felt mad at the world. Except for Justin. He was being great.
"Want me to stay with you when you tell your parents?" Justin asked as he stopped the car in my driveway.
"Please," I said. "I'm going to get a huge 'I told you so' from Dad. He's been hating Christian since day one. Knowing he's a drug addict will probably make his day."
"Your dad doesn't want to see you hurt."
"It's too late for that."
We went inside. Dad and Carol were sitting the couch. Both of them were reading, but they looked up when we came in. Jeff was watching TV. He didn't even acknowledge us.
"How is he?" Carol asked. "What happened?"
"Uhhh, well. He's okay. I talked to Frank, his brother, and Christian is having trouble breathing and... he might need a new kidney, since his are on the edge of failing, but they might recover." I was obviously leaving out the important part.
"What happened?" Dad asked. He looked genuinely concerned. I felt like lying. I felt like telling him that Christian had been hit by a car. But that would make me as low as Christian.
"Christian... had a..." I couldn't form the words.
Justin took over. He sort of ripped the news off like a band-aid. "Christian overdosed on drugs. It wasn't mentioned what kind."
Jeff looked away from the TV, Carol gasped, and Dad's eyes widened. I braced myself for a punishment, a telling off, a declaration that I wasn't allowed to see Christian ever again (Not that I was really sure I wanted to anyway).
However, all Dad said was, "Have you talked to him?"
I shook my head. "I might get to tomorrow. Frank said to come back."
After that, Justin left, and the rest of my family had dinner. I didn't feel like eating so I went in my room. Things started falling together. Christian's ever-growing weird behavior. I wondered how long he's been using. Obviously since he was young, but he didn't seem like a drug addict at all.
I thought about his friends, the guy buying the bong from the Tea Shop. I remembered wanting to shrug off Dad's lecture about The Square and what Christian would be doing there. The guy at the Shop knew him. How often had he been there? What HAD he been buying there?
I was still sort of stuck on the fact that Christian had been in rehab at age twelve. What in the world does that mean? I know it what it means, but it's so confusing. Other than like, babies who are born addicted to crack and stuff because their mothers were, I've never heard of anyone that young being in rehab. Well, that's not really true, I have. This IS California.
But not anyone I've known. Not anyone who I thought I could trust.
I have to go to bed. I can't think anymore.
April 5th
Today Justin had rehearsal, so I took the bus to the hospital. I skipped P.E. like usual and went early. I went upstairs to the drug unit, and there was Frank sitting in the waiting area. I was hoping he was there, since I had no way of contacting him. He was wearing all black again, but with a blue tie today.
"Hi," I said.
He looked up from his magazine (Newsweek). "Dawn, hello."
"How is he?"
"Better, much better already. His body temperature is normal, and his breathing is more regular. His kidneys still aren't working on their own, though." He smiled and it was kind of weird because I hadn't seen him smile. In fact, he seemed like the kind of person who didn't smile a lot at all.
"Can I see him today?"
"No, I'm sorry. Not until his kidneys are stable. However, all of the drugs are out of his system."
I nodded. This time Frank and I exchanged cell phone numbers so he could contact me when I COULD see Christian, instead of just coming down everyday until I could.
I felt very empty. The more I thought about it, it seemed obvious that Christian isn't who I thought I was. And it seems more and more apparent that I should just dump him. But I have to wonder if it's something that I did to drive him back to this. But I have to remind myself that people have free will. I didn't make anyone do anything.
I took the bus back to the school. I sat inside Justin's car (he never locks his doors) and did homework until he came out around five-thirty. Luckily he saw me before he got in and I scared him.
"Don't take this as a sign of unwelcome, but what are you doing in my car?" Justin asked after he sat down in the driver's seat.
"Homework," I replied. "I didn't feel like going home. I'm sick of facing Dad."
"Is he gloating or something?"
"No... I just... I feel like he should be. And the fact that he's not is even worse than if he was."
Justin nodded. "Do you want to go home now?"
I nodded. He took me home, and since I had most of my homework done, I just made myself a tofurkey sandwich and went into my room. I just sat around and started this entry. I don't know what to think about Christian. I hope I get to see him soon. I don't know why. I don't think I'm feeling as I should be. But I don't know how I should be feeling.
I'm so confused. It's only seven thirty. I think I'll finish my homework and go to bed.
April 7th
I got to see Christian today. The night before, according to Frank, Christian had his right kidney removed. It fixed all of the problems he had, so he's fine. Well, as fine as he can be until he gets through rehab.
Rehab. Ugh.
Today I went to a regular floor, full of halls of identical rooms. He was in a nice private room, much like the one Mrs. Winslow had been in, but much less personal. In the case of a hospital room, that's a good thing.
Christian was awake when I got there. He gave me a weak smile, like he wasn't sure how I was going to react. Really, I wasn't sure either, however, seeing him in that hospital bed, I felt bad for him. But... it wasn't any sort of forgiveness, or even understanding. It was pity.
"Hi," I said. My voice was wobbly. Was I allowed to be angry with him? He HAD just been through major surgery.
"Hey," he replied. He seemed sort of relieved. Like he had been expecting me to unsheathe a butcher knife or something.
"How are you feeling?"
"Okay, you know, for having a kidney removed. According to the nurses, I'm going to have a killer scar."
"Uh huh." I sat down on the hard plastic chair that was next to his bed. "So... do you want to tell me exactly how you got here?"
"Oh, uh..." He looked away from me. "Just this party got out of control, and-"
"No, I mean, like... you're not on your way to first time at rehab?" I really didn't know how to phrase that.
Christian sighed. "What? Did Frank give you my entire medical history?"
"Only the parts he thought I needed to hear. Apparently the parts you've left out."
"All right, fine, I started partying pretty young-"
"How young? Tell me."
He sighed again. "When I was ten. It started with George and Frank. Frank, when he was in high school, he never took George anywhere with him. So George decided that he wasn't going to do that to me. He took me everywhere he went. He got involved in the party scene really quick, and so did I because of it."
"Didn't anyone think it was weird that there was a kid with him?" I asked.
"Not really. I was a novelty. Girls thought I was adorable, they gave me anything I wanted. And even things I wasn't sure I wanted." He paused, like he wasn't sure he wanted to tell me what he was about to. I really wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it. "I started smoking when I was eleven, cigarettes, occasional pot. I... overdosed on crack when I was twelve. I was in rehab over that summer, I did really good during seventh grade. Well, I lost my virginity at thirteen to a seventeen year old. I stayed away from the hard drugs, I didn't touch them. I was still smoking cigarettes, sometimes pot, but nothing really bad."
"Not bad?" I asked.
"In perspective," he replied. "In the last year, I was just... slipping. The band, all of George's old friends, I thought they were my friends, I guess I was wrong. You're the only one who's showed up."
"Why didn't you tell me? Why did I only get to find out about this now?"
"Because I knew you'd disapprove."
"You got that right," I said. "The fact that your brother is an idiot, doesn't excuse your being an idiot. You know that drugs can do this to you, you've overdosed before, yet you went back to it. You kept smoking pot, even though that still has side effects. I don't even want to think about what else you've been doing at these "out of control" parties."
"Nothing! Just-" Christian fell back against his pillows. "I can't win here. Everything I did is wrong, don't you think I know that? I can't do anything right, is that what you want to hear, Dawn? Maybe Mary Anne is right about you. Maybe we all just can't hold up to your holy standards."
"This isn't about standards!" I cried. I was for sure angry now. How could he throw something MARY ANNE said about me in my face? "This is about the fact that you overdosed when you were TWELVE and now you've gone and done it again. This is about utter stupidity!"
"If you're just going to come here and call me stupid, then you can just leave!"
"I WILL!" I stormed out of the room. He acted like such a jerk, I wanted to strangle him. I stormed to the bus stop and rode back home. I stormed around my room for a while. Then I calmed down and did some homework.
I had to calm down enough for this entry. He makes me so mad. Yet... I
think I might go see him again tomorrow. Why do I want to do that? I
can't understand anything about how I'm feeling right now. I think I'm
going to call Justin.
