Chapter Thirty-Four: Christian

April 8th

I'm home. Finally. Well, not home. I'm at a hotel room. This journal was one of the things in my backpack. Frank packed me a suitcase so I'll have clothes for the next week or so. Until all my stuff arrives.

I'm not even going to go over everything that happened. The party at that rich guy's house. The girls with their tongue rings. The coke, perfectly fine, snorted through hundred dollar bills. Blacking out and waking up in the hospital. I don't know who noticed that I was out and called an ambulance. Boy, I hope I didn't ruin the party (said with sarcasm).

I am going to go into everything that happened with Dawn. Today. Writing all of it just seems like too much work. I don't want to think about our fight. Even if we fought today. It wasn't screaming. It wasn't yelling. I guess it really wasn't a fight. I've never been dumped before. I've never known what that's like. I'd never been part of a break-up that was for a good reason.

Oh, and Frank. I hate him.

Not really. I did then. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to go away and just let me live my life. Now that I'm eating room service food, it doesn't seem so bad.

This morning, Frank came into my room.

"The doctor says you can leave this afternoon," he said. He was wearing a suit, even though he hadn't been to the office in two days. Maybe all he owns are suits. I don't remember him wearing suits to school, however, I was only ten when he left for college. I don't have a lot of memories of Frank.

Maybe he'd been to a Palo City branch of his office? Do they have offices out here? Or maybe he just likes suits. I have no idea. I see Frank sometimes for holidays, though he hadn't been around at all the past few years. I don't know him at all.

"I'm going home?" I asked. "Back to school on Monday? Or straight to rehab? Which, by the way, I don't think I need. It was an accident. It was just one time."

Frank looked at the floor. "No, Christian, you're not going back to school. At least not to Vista."

"What? None of the guys who were at the party go to Vista? Why are you pulling me out? Can you even do that? It's not like you're my dad or something."

"Dad is useless and I think you know it," he replied, looking me in the eye. "And it's obvious to everyone else too. I've spent the last few days getting you into my custody."

"Custody?"

"I'm your legal guardian now. Or at least I will be on Tuesday."

"Dad agreed to this? I didn't agree to this!"

"Dad agreed because he doesn't care about you," Frank snapped. "This is a load off of him, now he can whatever he wants with you gone. Not that he didn't do that already for the most part. I, however, do care. And I'm not going to let your throw your life away like George. Not if I can help it and still do something about it. So, you'll be living with me in LA."

"And when I'm done with the program?"

Frank shook his head. "You'll still be living with me. I'm going to be your guardian, Cristo. When you're done with the program, you'll start school in LA. In the fall, mind you, at a private school, very elite. However, I've been talking to your teachers, and from you falling grades and that you'll be missing the last two months of the year, chances are you won't have the grades to pass. You'll probably be doing the tenth grade again."

I stared at him. I was in shock. Most of me wanted to throw a temper tantrum. Swear that he couldn't do this. Swear that if Dad didn't want me, I could just run away. I had no idea what life with Frank would be like. Frank was basically a stranger who shared my blood type.

The little sliver left of me stayed calm.

"What if... what if I don't want to live with you?" I asked.

"You don't have a lot of choice. I'm doing what's best for you."

"You don't know what's best for me."

"And YOU do?" He shook his head. "Cristoforo, you've got problems."

"Don't call me that," I said. "No one calls me that."

"Fine. And, really, Christian, are you so selfish that you think it's not causing change in my life too? I don't have to take you in, I don't have to change my lifestyle to accommodate you. I could leave you to rot, but I don't want to do that. Even though it might not seem like it to your coked out brain, I care."

"You cared when? When you didn't come by for Christmas?"

"I cared enough that I was willing to give up a kidney for you. I had to hang around this hospital in case I had to go into surgery to get a kidney removed. And you probably didn't even deserve it because you knew that the last overdose you had weakened your kidneys. You knew that every time you used, it made them worse, but it didn't matter. I cared enough to give it up if I had to. Because I'm your brother."

I knew I was being snotty, but I couldn't contain it. "Brothers, right. We really bonded when you went to college when I was ten. That sure gave us time to hang out."

"It's not my fault that I'm eight years older than you," Frank snapped. "Timing didn't work in our favor to be the closest brothers in the world, that's for sure, but it doesn't matter. I'm still your brother, you're stuck with me. You're moving to LA, and you just might not hate it."

"I'll hate it."

"Are things so great with Dad? Could it possibly be worse than living there? I've been to the house, I've seen what it looks like. I can't believe that I lived there at one time-"

"You lived there when Mom did," I said. "After Mom left it all went to Hell."

"And all your problems started."

I rolled my eyes. "I've never blamed my life on Mom. And what are you? Some kind of shrink?"

He shrugged. "I'm a stock broker."

Beside everything, I laughed. "So you're loaded?"

"I'm... well off."

"Maid service?"

"Yes."

"Cook?"

"No."

"But I don't have to do dishes?"

"No, no dishes."

I wrinkled my eyebrows at him. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

He laughed. "No."

"Are you gay?"

"Uh, not the last time I checked."

"Do you have a room for me, or are you moving?"

"It's a two bedroom apartment."

"Am I going back home to pack up my stuff, or is someone doing that for me?" I asked.

"It's being done for you. And you'll get to keep your things. Your bed and all your furniture. Even though it seems horrible, I'm going to do everything I can to keep things as normal as possible."

"Is Dawn coming over today?"

"Well, it's just now noon, so if she is, not until later," Frank replied.

I nodded. "Since I've still got a couple hours of being waited on hand and foot, I'm going to take a nap."

"Okay." Frank left.

I felt a little better about this moving thing. However, the whole thing made me want a cigarette. I couldn't wait to get out of that hospital room.

So at three-thirty (or so), I was taken downstairs in a wheelchair. I sat outside while Frank walked like half a mile to get his car. I sat on a bench by an ashtray and smoked a nasty menthol cigarette I bummed from a guy going inside. But it was better than nothing.

"You're out."

I looked up. It was Dawn. She was giving me the strangest look.

"They weren't going to keep me forever," I said. I sounded testy. I took a drag off the cigarette to help calm my nerves. It tasted horrible and I could feel a wheeze building up in my chest because of it. It felt weird to smoke in front of Dawn, but she knew everything else. Why hide that I'm still a smoker?

"It's weird to see you smoking," she commented.

Sometimes we're still on the same wavelength.

"I'm glad you stopped by," I said.

"Frank said you were leaving this afternoon. I just didn't expect so early..."

"You talked to him?"

"Cell phone," she replied.

"Oh."

"He's a nice guy."

"You into my brother?" I tried to make a joke.

"Like I'd be interested in some twenty-five year old man." She sort of laughed, but it seemed a little forced. "That's just too weird. When are you coming back to school?" she asked.

"I, uh, I'm not coming back. I'm moving to LA with Frank."

"What?" She look surprised.

I explained to her about rehab and custodies. I forgot that her parents were divorced and she was aware of how custody worked. However, she nodded understandingly the entire time. Maybe not for older brothers, though. So who knows.

"When are you leaving?" she asked. She still hadn't sat down.

"Umm... I don't know. I guess I'm going back to wherever Frank is staying tonight, because he said that I'm not going back home. Like, at all."

"And you're just never coming back?"

"I don't think so," I replied. "Unless I come back to see Dad, but... I don't really care." I mostly didn't care since Dad's been a shitty father, but I also didn't care because he just gave me up to Frank without consulting anyone. But then again, how sober was he when he agreed?

Dawn finally sat down next to me. I guess she was waiting until my cigarette was gone. "I guess I don't have to tell you that we're breaking up."

I nodded. "I sort of saw that coming."

"Are you going to tell anyone what happened?"

"Perry. I'm going to tell Perry. Have you told... I mean, does anyone else know?"

"Justin," she replied.

"Oh. Right. I guess I can understand that."

"Understand?"

"I screwed up, and not just this past week, I've been screwing up for a while. I can understand why you'd... be interested in Justin. He's-"

"It's not like that," she said. "We're friends. He was with me when I got the call about you being in the hospital. But we didn't tell anyone."

"Yeah," I said. I didn't believe her, though. About Justin. Not about telling anyone. "The past couple of months, we really weren't dating anyway. We were just boyfriend-girlfriend in name. And that's my fault, for being... an asshole."

"I won't say it's all your fault," Dawn admitted. "I... didn't make a lot of effort either. But I thought about it, Christian. Why you didn't tell me. It wasn't because you knew I'd disapprove. You knew that I'd hold you accountable to stop."

"You'd nag," I said.

"You might call it nagging, but when it's your life on the line, I'd say it wouldn't have been so bad. But maybe you just didn't want to feel even more guilty when I'd been right all along."

I could hear the tension in her voice. And she was right. Mostly right anyway. So I was kind of thankful when Frank pulled up to the door with the car.

"So this is it?" Dawn asked, her voice returning back to a normal tone. We both stood up. She looked like she was about to cry. I felt like telling her not to waste those tears on me. I didn't deserve them. But then again, it might be self-centered of me to think that it was all about me.

"Pretty much."

Frank got out of the car. "Ready, Cristo? Hello, Dawn."

She waved, then looked back to me. "E-mail me or something sometime, okay? When you're better." I knew she didn't mean it.

"I will," I replied, knowing that I never would.

She hugged me and I hugged her back. I think I might have held on a little bit longer.

I got into the car. "Where next?" I asked.

"Hotel tonight. Then tomorrow, we'll head to my apartment in LA. Your room has stuff in it now, and, well... I guess if you want to keep it you can. It's not your stuff, though." Frank pulled away from the door of the hospital. Dawn was waving. That's probably the last time I'm ever going to see Dawn Schafer. I fucked that one up big time.

Maybe next time it will be better.

"It's probably nicer than my shitty stuff," I replied.

He nodded. "It is."

I laughed. "Shut up."

"What? I'm just being honest."

For the first time ever in my life, Frank felt like my brother.

I don't know how long that will last, since he'll be the one doling out no's and punishments for the next two years of my life. But if this is a taste of that, I guess it's not too bad.

I don't know what else to think. I guess I need to start looking ahead. It's time to change. It's time to move on.

It's a new life.