Ode to Erik

Dress-Up

"He he he! Oh I have never laughed so much in all my centuries in existence! I've seen knights fall from horses into mud, watched jesters trip on their balls, even witnessed monkeys from the East doing dancing tricks. But nothing compares to this! I truly believed my armour was going to come part! That was until i saw what was in store for me...i suddenly stopped laughing.

Well, just the other day, little Miss Hammond decided that it was about high time she got out a bit more, took more fresh air and the like. That she was bored and wanted to get out and enjoy the outside world. She explained she wanted to go upstairs and do a spot of shopping in fact.

The cad in the wig was very apprehensive of this and insisted on arming her to the teeth with many many concealed weapons; poor dear child weighed down with all that gubbins and steel! However, after many hours explaining to Evey what to do in every eventuality and exactly where to stick these blades, she was ready to go and off she trotted! Out the door as fancy as you please in her sunglasses and with her little hand bag.

Well. I tell you.

She was gone hours, literally hours. She left at ten in the morning and didn't return till at least five in the afternoon (what she was doing is still a mystery, even to me!) Oh the cad was not best pleased. Pacing about all the while she was gone, I'm surprised he didn't wear holes in the rugs and grooves in the stone flagswith all his darting about!

He tried to read a book, Plato's The Republic in fact. But for the first time failed through lack of concentration instead of sheer stupidity and confusion, and the poorbook ended up on the other side of the gallery.

He threw a tantrum when he tried to cook Evey some cheese straws; resulting in burnt fingers, a cheddar splattered mask and a singed wig (they eventually ended up on the floor being stamped upon.)

He attempted to play some music on the piano, but flew into a blind rage when some of the keys broke, because he was hitting them far too hard. That was abandoned swiftly.

Yes he even turned his unwanted attention upon me. Swishing his foil about wildly and calling me 'his fat metal friend'. Rather rude I might add, as I wouldn't say I was fat. But anyway, I lost both my arms as a result.

But eventually the little seraph returned triumphantly. She waltzed in as happy as can be, huge smile radiating from that beautiful little face. In her arms she had so many bags, more than I have ever seen in my life!

The fop's immediate reaction was one of concern and anger that she had been so long. He bombarded her with questions. Where you followed? Did you run into any Fingermen? Where you okay? Did you use your knives? Etc etc.

And then he caught sight of the bags.

I think he nearly passed out when Evey told him how much she had spent. I swear that expression on his mask changed to a look of utter despair! But I think his heart actually stopped beating when she confessed to him she had 'borrowed' his card to buy it all when she couldn't find hers. But she whined and cried as she explained she needed that third pink hand bag and she just couldn't live without another pretty necklace and that she simply had to have another shimmery eye shadow as fifteen isn't enough. Then she smiled sweetly, batted her big eyelashes, twirled her fingers in her hair and told him it was okay because she had bought him a gift too. That crafty little minx…

She ferreted through her many bags and finally came upon one that had definitely come from a male orientated shop. The cad, by this point, was very eager to know more and had apparently forgotten that the cheeky girl before him had spent an amount of money comparable to Ecuador's annual budget in less than eight hours.

She also explained that I needed 'jazzing up' as she put it, and that I had a gift too! I became extremely excited. A gift? For me? For dear old Erik? I've never had a gift bought for me ever! What could it be I wondered?

New gauntlets?

Grieves polish?

A feather for my helmet?

The possibilities were endless. I could barely contain myself!

Evey handed the cad the bag and told him to go to his room and try on his gift, and that she wanted to see it once it was on. In the meantime, she explained, she would bestow my gift upon me while he was getting changed. So off the cad skipped, giggling like a spoilt child and I stood proud and true ready to receive my very first gift!

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After a while, Evey clapped in apparent unrivalled delight as she looked us both up and down. She was beaming.

When I came into his view and he gingerly into mine, we exchanged glances and both had the exact same thought. This was not expected…she really didn't have to…

I knew he did not appreciate his new itchy tweed blazer and matching trilby.

He knew I did not appreciate my new pink, sparkly feather boa."