A/N: Just a thank you to you all for such lovely reviews, they're so nice to read; glad you all like this fic so much!
Ode to Erik
Things A Man Should Never Read
"Ah ha!
I caught him red handed! There's no way he can back out of this one now, I saw him! Plain as day and as brash as you please! Brazenly and without shame, there…on the couch…I watched him! He always denies it, but now I know the truth. I now the true reality of what V does when Evey is not about! A man of his age; and to think he ought to know better! Anyway, this serves him right.
After a hard day of blowing up important buildings, slaying vicious Fingermen, frantically polishing boots and battling ferociously with me, my harlequin friend has found a novel new way to relax and unwind. A way of chilling out and allowing his mind to wander to lesser things. A brilliant way of loosening up and permitting himself to drift away from his many worries.
He came just in the other day after an undoubtedly stressful afternoon; took off his boots, hung up his cloak, straightened his wig and looked about.
He was alone. Completely alone in utter silence. (Where Evey was I cannot sadly recall, but he was definitely alone.)
There was nothing to be done, at all. The dishes were cleaned and put away. The laundry was ironed and hung back in the wardrobes. The rugs and floor had been swept. I had been dusted and polished (a bit over due mind…) Everything was clean and sparkling.
My masked master decided to make himself a nice cup of tea. A china cup and saucer, circular flat tea-bag, a little milk, one small sugar, five stirs clock-wise, five stirs anti-clockwise and a chocolate hobnob or two (just as he likes it.)
He seated himself in front of the television and began to flick through the many channels.
Powerpuff Girls. Definitely no thank you.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Tempting but not today.
Jamie Oliver: Cooking with Fish? Mmmm, well this looks interesting…but I really don't fancy burning myself again…
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Oh…I like her knives, wonder where she got them from?
Jerry Springer:" I married my aunts goat"? Oh sweet Christ…
The television went swiftly off again. The cad began tapping his gloved fingers on the arm of the couch, boredom becoming apparent. I began to cringe and try to make myself small and unnoticed, as I felt sure such ennui would result in a direct and vicious assault upon my person. But to my pleasant surprise, it didn't! He began to glance around and something alien caught his eye!
All of a sudden, a magazine appeared in his hands! But not one that I could say would interest a regular man, or indeed myself. Not his usual comics he dug out and fawned over when Evey wasn't around.
A copy of November Cosmopolitan, obviously Evey's, with a rather ravishing photograph of some young nymph adorning the cover. (His greed little eyes lingered on the scantily clad beauty just a little too long I think.)
"What is this tripe?" He said aloud. I tried to offer a reply but was ignored rudely.
He thumbed through the pages, tilting his head in total confusion. He could have put the magazine down and just walked away, but no, he carried on reading didn't he? Fool. Poor bloody fool; just didn't see it coming. Rabbit and headlights really do spring to mind right about now. I think he gained more insight into the female mind in those two minutes than he ever has or ever will do! Yes, he had picked up November Cosmopolitan, but not a regular copy oh no. It just happened to be a special sex issue.
Take Our Quiz To Uncover Your Sexual Destiny: Heavens!
Viabrators; Tried & Tested Just For Your Pleasure: Mercy me…
Holiday Sexual Confessions: Is this what women get up to!
The G-Spot Is Soooo Last Year: Oh…
101 Ways To Spice Up The Missionary Position: Sweet Jesus!
I could feel the heat radiating from him! Each page just seemed to get worse and worse.
Until he turned to page 204, complete with pictures. He held the magazine out in front of him. Concentrating hard on the pictures, he rotated it to the right, then to the left, upside down, every which way. He looked truly perplexed, so baffled. He just couldn't fathom the pictures out. They finally became clear when he caught a glimpse of the page title…
Twenty position to make your man moan: OH DEAR LORD…
But the crowning glory of this lesson had to be on page 316, problem page. I could swear his eyes just widened as he read it.
I Want To Sleep With My Flatmate…What Now!
Just as he finished reading the title (and recoiling in utter horror,) Evey popped her head through the door and came in a flurry of commotion. He flung the magazine away from him, underneath the couch and stood to greet her, but not before she exclaimed…
"Wow V! You look really hot today……."
