Chapter Thirty-Six: Justin

April the twenty-second. Saturday.

Mom called me on Thursday. She called to wished me happy birthday. Wouldn't be so bad if my birthday was Thursday and not the 15th. Either way, she wanted to meet me for dinner to talk about signing the house over to me. I didn't think that over the phone was the best time to tell her that I wasn't interested in keeping the house.

Besides, I was getting a free meal at a fancy restaurant.

I went straight home after rehearsal. I took a shower and got dressed. I pulled out my suit, since Mom had mentioned that it was a jacket-and-tie required kind of place. So, out came the ugly khaki colored suit I hate. The one I was forced to buy for that wedding two years ago.

First off, the suit was completely wrinkled. So I just turned the shower back on and let the wrinkles work themselves out in the steam. Problem solved.

Second problem, the ugly suit didn't fit. Apparently I've lost weight since then. The jacket was baggy in the shoulders and the sleeves came about halfway down my hands. The pants were practically falling off of me. I solved the pants problem by wearing a belt. However, the only belt I had was a black one. It totally didn't go with the suit.

Finally, I called Dawn.

Hello?

Dawn, what do I do if I have a suit that doesn't fit in anyway and I'm forced wearing it? I had told her about what was going on between classes earlier.

It doesn't fit? Is it too small?

Too big.

Um... no idea. Did you try a belt?

Brown suit, black belt.

Ew. Um. I'll see what my Dad has. I'll come over.

Thank you, thank you.

I figured I'd deal with the baggy coat. Pants falling off would be a lot worse. About twenty minutes later, Dawn showed up.

Wow, she said. That is an ugly suit. Don't you have anything else at all?

Nope.

Do you HAVE to wear the jacket?

Yup. Jacket and tie are dress code for the place.

Okay... well, here's the belt. She handed me a brown belt.

Oh, good, I replied. It looked okay, and the pants weren't falling off. I did feel sort of weird wearing Mr. Schafer's belt, but it was just for one night.

Dawn started laughing at me.

What? I asked.

The look on your face and the too big suit... you look so pathetic. You're like a kid going to sit at the grown-up table for the first time.

Thanks, that really helps, I said. I shook my head. I really don't know what I'm doing here. I'm going to end up just making an idiot of myself. And I'll be wearing a bad suit while I'm at it.

You'll be fine, she said, straightening my tie. It's a free meal, you just have to sit there, tell her she can have the house, eat dessert, and come back.

I should take the house, I said. Take it and then sell it.

That's horrible! Dawn replied. She was laughing. You should totally do that.

You have become very vengeful these past few months. I don't even know you anymore. What happened to Tekken causes war girl?

I'm working on being passive aggressive. Rather than openly showing my anger outside a 7-11.

Good plan. Should I really take the house?

It's up to you, she replied.

Gee, thanks.

When do you have to be there?

Seven.

Where are you going?

Some schmancy place in LA.

LA? You should probably get going.

I checked my watch. You're right. I'll drop you off first.

I drove Dawn over to her house.

Call me when you get home to tell me how it went, she said. Good or bad, got that?

I nodded. No problem.

She leaned over and gave me a hug. Good luck.

I'll need it, I replied. She got out and I waited until she was in the house before I pulled away. It's a habit to make sure people I'm dropping off get inside. Like they're going to get mugged three feet away from their front door.

I drove out to LA, and went inside. I have never before been in anywhere this pompous in my life. It was all lowly lit and the waiters (wannabe actors for sure) all talked with fake British accents. I swear, I wanted to start laughing then. However, I just went up to the host and asked for the Randall party.

This was the beginning of the disaster.

I was led to a table in the middle of the restaurant. Mom was sitting there. She looked nice, not all stressed out like I'm using to seeing her. She was wearing a pale purple suit, which gave me the impression that she had just left the office. Not surprisingly.

What surprised me was the guy sitting with her. He was wearing a suit. It was almost sad looking, because he looked like he was fifteen.

Instead of greeting Mom like a normal person, I was rude. Who's this?

Justin, she said, smiling, reminding me of a flight attendant, with a fake perkiness. Don't be rude.

Like she has ANY right to act like a parent to me. I hate the feeling that she's just doing it when it looks good. She's done it for years.

Sorry, I said almost automatically. I sat down across from them. I reached my hand across the table. I'm Justin.

The guy smiled. I'm Kenny Masterson.

Nice to meet you, I replied. I was still pretty clueless to why this guy was here. I shot a puzzled look to Mom.

Kenny's my boyfriend, she said.

I couldn't help it. I laughed. Then I clapped my hand over my mouth. When I felt like I could release it, I did. Your... boyfriend? Mom, he's like fifteen.

I'm twenty-three, Kenny said.

Yeah, you look like you'd be dating me, not my mom.

Kenny's mouth opened, like he wasn't sure if I was implying something else about his age, or if I was implying something about his sexuality. In the end, he didn't say anything.

Justin! Mom exclaimed in this "mom" tone that sounded like nothing I had ever heard her use in my life. Even before everything fell apart.

I had a moment of ESP. I don't really believe in ESP, but for a split second, I knew what was going to happen. I could already see where this was going. I could tell it was going to end in something horrible, so I might as well keep up the humor. I shrugged and smiled.

Sorry, Mom, I like the boys.

Oh, Justin, she said, like I was kidding, but then she paused. Really?

Yeah, really, actually. I dated a guy for about five months. I hope I liked guys considering all the shit we did. And I learned a lot about myself, you know, self discovery. I have like the least sensitive gag reflex ever. It turns out I can take in like five-

Don't be crude. We're at dinner. She sounded like an over-worried mother, but the look in her eyes was lethal. At that moment, I couldn't really care less, though. I don't know if it was that she was dating someone two years older than her oldest son, or her trying to act all mom-ish after all this time, but I didn't care what she thought. I didn't care if this went well. House or not, I was leaving Palo City in the next few months and I wouldn't have to see her ever again if I didn't want to.

After this dinner, even if I wanted to, I don't think I would.

Our fake British waiter came over and Mom ordered a shrimp cocktail appetizer. Kenny hadn't said a word since he told us his age. And neither one of us had indicated that we wanted shrimp.

I reached across the table and tapped his hand (that he retracted quickly to his lap, the homophobe). Guess I can tell who wears the pants in this relationship.

It seems that Kenny thought I was making another comment about his sexuality, because he replied, I'm not like that.

How I didn't laugh, I don't know. It shouldn't be funny, obviously Kenny's confused about his sexuality (does dating a woman old enough to be his mother have something to do with this? I don't know), because anything I said he took as some kind of comment about it. I felt sort of bad for the guy. But that really didn't stop me.

The shrimp arrived and I hadn't said anything that was offensive enough to earn an Oh, Justin! in a shocked voice.

This is nice, Mom said.

What is? I asked.

Us, sitting together like civilized adults.

I've been eighteen for five days. I don't really feel like an adult.

Well, you are.

Finally, right? I asked. You probably couldn't wait for me to hit eighteen so I'd be out of your hair. You don't have worry about child service's or something finding out that you left your minor son practically alone for the past two years.

Not in so many words, she admitted.

I rolled my eyes. I then proceeded to order steak and lobster. The waiter gave me a funny look. I planned to eat the steak there and take the lobster home for Dawn. She'd eat it with me. Especially if it was out of being passive aggressive.

Mom didn't bat an eye. Kenny, however, gaped.

I ordered side orders for both. Baked potatoes, creamed spinach, and extra butter for that lobster. I ordered fancy sparkling water. I probably just spent seventy dollars in fancy food. Probably more.

Was I being immature? Yes. Did I really care? Not at all.

Dinner arrived (my steak was here now, the lobster I asked for later) without any incident. Kenny didn't talk. Mom and I made forced small talk. I talked about the play (I mentioned that it's opening next weekend, but I don't think it registered. And if it did, she wasn't going to show up. Not after what happened). She talked about work. Kenny drank three glasses of wine.

So how are things in your life, Justin? Mom took a delicate bite of her chicken.

They're okay, I replied.

Girlfriend? Or... I guess, boyfriend?

None of the above.

Well, you're a senior this year. Prom's coming up.

I'm really busy with the play right now. You know Dad and Wendy are bringing the kids down to see it. They're driving all the way from Oakland, can you believe that? Mike and Veronica would come, but he's so paranoid about going anywhere further than work right now. There's only a month left until Veronica's due.

Who's Veronica? Mom asked.

Mike's girlfriend. They're having a baby. Well, two babies. They're having twins. Due next month. But you wouldn't know that you're a month away from being a grandmother, because you're too caught up in your own issues. I'm planning on visiting them on my way up to San Fransisco this summer.

Mom stared at me. She had no idea of anything that I had been talking about.

You wouldn't know, though, I said again. Like you wouldn't know anything about my life. You certainly wouldn't know anything about Mike's. But I'm looking forward to being an uncle. I'm loving being a big brother. I can't wait until I'm living up there and I'll get to see Erin and Annie all the time.

Rude of me to go on about Dad's step kids? Oh yes.

Living up where? Mom asked.

San Francisco, I replied. I'm going to college there in the fall.

So you don't want the house?

My jaw dropped. I started laughing. I couldn't help it. I was laughing out loud. People in the surrounding tables were staring. Snooty fake British waiter came over and asked if everything was all right. I was doubled over, tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard.

Justin! JUSTIN! Mom hissed in this loud whisper.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I said, once I gained control of my voice. I just went on and on about my life and the things happening in it, and all you get out of it is that I don't want your stupid house? How can you be so cold? How can you not care? I'm your son. I was stuck in that huge, empty house all alone, all the time. I can't sleep in that damn house. And I'm not just blaming you. It's a little bit of everything, but I'm sitting here and you still don't care.

Mom looked shocked. Snooty waiter was staring at me. Kenny was downing another glass of wine.

I'll never understand you, I said. I'll never understand how I got shit from you just because I was the one stuck there.

Shit from me? she asked. She was getting angry. Who paid for your car? Who paid for your bills? Why didn't you have to work all summer like every other kid your age?

Let's stop for a moment and note that twenty minutes ago, I was an adult whether I liked it or not, but now I was a kid.

Do you really think that mattered? I asked. A year ago, I would have traded everything to have you back in my life. I would have traded the car and the money, for all of it. But now I know that's all you had to offer me.

She sputtered out the beginnings of a few sentences, but didn't complete any of them.

Keep your fucking house, Mother. Burn it down for all I care. I'll be out by the end of June. I stood up and turned to Snooty Waiter. I'd like my lobster the rest of my steak in a box, oh, and two orders of whatever your best dessert is. On her tab.

He nodded and hurried off.

I was almost ready to walk away from the table and go wait for my boxes of food, but before I did, I looked at the table. Mom was sitting with her face in her hands. She was crying. I hated the empty hole inside of me that felt nothing, watching my mother cry.

But I couldn't make myself feel anything. I couldn't make myself care. And, really, I didn't feel guilty. There wasn't much to feel at all.

So I walked away.

I waited by the door until Snooty Waiter brought me my food. I left. I did, however, give him the ten dollar bill that I had in my wallet. He put up with a lot. I hope Mom tipped him well too.

He gave me his number.

I went out to my car and laughed until I cried again. Then I just cried.

Finally, I left and drove back to Palo City. Instead of going home, I went to Dawn's. I called her.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Oh, hey, Justin. How'd it go? I thought you'd be later.

Yeah, I left early. Can I come over?

Sure. I could practically see her tossing her hair casually over her shoulder. Maybe sitting at her desk doing homework. Or writing in her journal.

Okay, good, because I'm in your driveway.

She laughed. Well, come in!

We hung up and I gathered up my bags of food. Just as I got to the door, she opened it.

What's all this? she asked, looking at the bags.

Dinner. I was being passive aggressive. Do you like lobster?

Dawn and I ate the lobster. Carol came in and had some too. I didn't even open the box I knew had my leftover steak in it. I got away with lobster, but bringing steak into Dawn's house would leave me dead.

Over dessert (I have no idea what it was, some kind of cake thing with whipped cream on it. It was delicious. I had mine to myself and Dawn split her's with Carol. After eating meat, even seafood, too much refined sugar would probably kill her anyway) I told Dawn and Carol what happened. They both gasped at the right moments, and Carol, who may be an adult, but has the ability to understand teenage thoughts, said that I wasn't wrong in what I said, and especially how I felt, but that maybe the timing was a little off.

I agreed.

It doesn't really matter, I said.

Sure it does, Carol said. She's your mother. She's been completely wrong for a long time. You shouldn't have to be treated this way. I'm glad you stood up for yourself to her.

It felt nice to have someone's blessing.

Saturday. April twenty-second. Later.

Today was the last band practice I'll be attending. I'm out. I'm done. I'm over.

Well, so is everyone else, I'm sure. My leaving Vanish isn't the first thing that began the downfall. We've been dying for a while now. I say "leaving." I mean royally kicked out.

I don't know what kind of drugs they give you when you've had the clap, but Rico must still be on them. His power trip is unbelievable. I don't know how much longer everyone else is going to put up with it. He and Bruce don't talk. Maggie shows up for practice, shows up for gigs, and then she leaves. She doesn't socialize with anyone.

When I arrived late for practice (I stayed the night at Dawn's on the couch in their living room) Rico jumped all over me.

Why are you late?

I overslept. I wasn't home and-

We have a gig next Saturday.

No, we don't.

Yes, we do! We need to work, you've hardly been here in the past couple of months. You're so wrapped up in that damn school play. That doesn't mean anything! This is important, this is the rest of our lives.

This is a high school band! I said. And we don't have a gig next Saturday. I've got a show.

What?

The play? It's the next two weekends.

You didn't tell us that!

Yes, I did! I told you that when I auditioned. And if you haven't noticed, it's on posters all over school.

Justin, you need to get your priorities straight, Rico said.

Uh-huh. I will. Really, I don't know why I stayed this long. Amalia had the right idea. You guys are too much. Especially you, Rico. I don't know what happened to you. You can't expect so much of people. You're just like James.

Rico looked shocked and offended. And rightfully so. Maggie, as strung out as she looked, gasped. Bruce's eyes bugged out, and Patti dropped her drumsticks.

Considering everything I said to my mom the night before, that's probably the worst insult I've ever paid anyone in my life. To say that he was like the guy who was abusive to Amalia and spat in my face. Maybe it was an exaggeration. But at that moment it didn't feel like it.

Rico, I don't know what happened to you, I said. You've changed, and it's not good. Look at us. We can hardly stand to be in the same room during the hours we practice. You're humping every Asian girl in Palo City because you can't hump Claudia, and Maggie looks like she's on drugs. Bruce and Patti are still normal, but who knows how much longer it would last. Your controlling has to end. I probably can't help after everything I just said, so I'm just going to go.

I looked at Bruce and Patti. Sorry, guys.

I picked up my guitar case and left. Rico called me a quitter. I ignored him.

I was shedding my life in Palo City. I'm getting ready for my new life.

Really, now, there's just one thing holding me back.