A/N: Thank you to Ikamono, katiek121, and sanbeegoldiewhitey for reviewing! I dedicate this update to you and appreciate the great feedback! And katiek121, I knew that was going to happen! Sorry about having to do the reread, but I hoped you enjoyed in any case!
"You really didn't need to wait up, Evans."
The voice was familiar, and yet the tone was somehow distorted—less jocular, less self-assured, and much more…she didn't know. But it was as if the boyishness of James Potter had disappeared and was replaced with something more mature and a lot less enviable.
She wanted to ask him what was wrong.
But James Potter was not her friend and even if there was a glimmer of truth to her insight, she doubted that Potter would admit it. Still, she raised her eyes and spotted his figure by the portrait hole, half-shaded in the darkness.
He was alone, which was a rare sight for any of the Marauders, really. Potter was almost always in the company of Black, at the very least. It was suspicious, and yet her conscience challenged her over whether it was truly suspicious or if she was just looking for something suspicious in him.
"I had rounds and I had to catch up on my homework," Lily said, to deflect his flirtatious charge. And he laughed bitterly. As if he would think she was waiting up for him.
"Taking the mickey, Evans…just taking the mickey. But you know…no need to kick a bloke when he's down."
"What's the matter?" Lily said before she could stop herself.
"Evans. I'm jo—"
"No, I really mean it." She twisted around to face him fully, still sitting with her legs crossed on the floor. "What's wrong?"
His steps stuttered as she said that, and it must have been the way she said it, because he actually sat down, cross-legged, facing her. "I will tell you."
"Okay."
He leaned in and said, very seriously, "But first, you have to solemnly swear that you're up to no good."
She shoved back on his broad shoulders, annoyed. "Piss off, Potter." Of course, she then rose to her feet and James let her. He let her, without saying a word.
She didn't know it consciously at that time, but she knew then that it was not normal. She knew him better than that. And so, she couldn't move forward. "Tell me what's wrong. Stop being a prat, I just want to know that you're okay." She kept her back to him, because the words felt completely awkward on her tongue and she was sure it would be worse if she actually turned around and faced him. But she heard his very soft sigh.
"You're a very decent person, Evans. Very decent."
Her head snapped back, wondering if he was still making light of it, but she couldn't tell in the semi-darkness. His hazel eyes were very piercing in the firelight, but it was too shadowy to see whether he was smiling.
Her knees bent, and she was back on the floor. He wasn't smiling. In fact, he looked as if he may cry. At that revelation, she reared back a little, wondering if it was too late to leave and just forget about all of this. But she couldn't. It wasn't in her to leave a person like this. But she was speechless.
"Have you ever known someone…you know, like your wand, like—like nothing is new, because you already know. And then…something happens and you don't know anything. He's a complete stranger."
"My sister," Lily replied. She flushed a little. "Yes, I know someone like that… who do you know like that?"
Her instinctive thought was that he was talking about Sirius, but he couldn't have been. She was pretty sure that the two of them had never fought about anything and never would. She couldn't imagine them being strangers. Tuney was way different.
James' voice was hoarse. "You didn't solemnly swear."
"No," she agreed. "I didn't."
"Then I can't tell you."
Lily shrugged. "That's fine. You would tell me if you wanted to."
When she looked closer, his eyes were haunted. "You've said that before, haven't you, Lily?"
She nodded. "To Remus."
There was a long, long silence after that, wherein she couldn't be sure what was going through his mind. She almost got up and left for fear that the silence would become awkward. But then, he said quite softly, "Evans, someday you and I are going to get married. You believe that."
She told him she would never believe that. But it was really just the principle of the thing. What would he have even done if she had said otherwise?
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"Well, he's going to have to go with you. He can't get up the girls' dormitories."
Harry frowned. "I can't?"
Lily smiled, realizing that he probably didn't know all of the quirks of the castle yet, being only a first-year. "No, boys are completely unable to get up the stairs to the girls' dormitories."
James nudged his future son and winked. "I'm sure I'll figure out a way before I take my NEWTs, but in case I don't, I hereby make that your mission, little bloke."
"Oy, don't say things like that to him! He's far too sweet to grow up and become a great prat like his father! Sneaking into girls' dormitories like some deviant."
James wiggled his eyebrows, but it was overdone. Their meeting with Dumbledore had left a very somber mood upon them all and though Lily and James' back-and-forth banter took some steps in lightning it, they couldn't escape such heavy apprehensions. Harry, especially, had barely spoken since they left Dumbledore to his office. By then, it was very late at night and the common room was deserted.
"I don't know if I should take Harry up there, though."
"Why?"
James' glasses were glinting in the light. "Sirius. He's been jumped up over this whole thing. He doesn't know why I'm going off with you and I could see that look today when I told him to quit with the yelling about Harry all over school."
"He's probably pouting upstairs like a jealous girlfriend as we speak."
"Nah, he sleeps like a rock. And he doesn't have the Invisiblity Cloak to sneak around. I bet he'll start hunting tomorrow."
Well, James knew him best… "So you, what, want to avoid him until we leave?" Lily said dryly. Finally something that separated the inseparable brotherhood. "How are you going to do that?"
James shrugged. "Dunno exactly. But I'm going to start by crashing out on the couch. We're leaving tomorrow, so I don't have to avoid him that long." He did flop onto the couch obnoxiously, so that even Harry shook his head. James patted the cushion beside his. "You're welcome to join, Evans. But Harry and I are staying here."
Lily told herself that she remained because she didn't want to endure her friends' questions. But really, knowing who Harry was, and who James was supposed to be to her, was why she didn't leave then. Until this thing was over, she planned on being there every moment.
There was a silence that stretched on. James and Lily had both had the unspoken idea to wait Harry out, instinct out of nothing. They waited and waited until Harry finally said something.
"So, are you two even really friends?" He made a face. "It just seems like you weren't when I got here, but because I'm here, you are having to spend time together."
Huh. Lily and James exchanged looks, not having anticipated that sort of question in the scheme of what they were dealing with. But then, Lily thought, it would make a lot of sense for Harry to question their relationship as it was now. She herself had questioned it when they were at the Shrieking Shack.
It's not that far from this to that. Not that far at all…
"We are friends," Lily answered definitively. "But…I don't think I knew that until you got here, Harry. Quite honestly."
James met her eyes with a wild sort of happiness that she couldn't watch for too long, or she'd blush. But Harry looked unconvinced.
"Your friendship is strange. And everybody was making a lot of jokes about you. Together."
"Really?" James asked, as if this was news to him. Of course, it wasn't.
"I'm sure you heard the rumors that Harry's our lovechild," Lily chided. They really could not bring Harry back to the Great Hall. She cringed at the memory.
James winked back at her. "Funny, that. They weren't too far off the mark."
Harry was watching them solemnly. "I think Ron and Hermione might end up like you two when they get older."
"Your best friends?"
Harry yawned. "Yeah…they fight all the time too."
"Well…I hope they end in Happily Ever After, like Evans and I will." James said.
Lily didn't argue with that, because immediately, the mood soured again as they all recalled that in the future, Lily and James really hadn't lived their "Happily Ever After". Maybe in death, but that was hardly all good and fine when their son was orphaned because of it. And just like that, the conversation died.
It was a wonderful and terrible moment when Harry slowly went to sleep between them, on the couch. Still pensive and a little guarded, Lily felt it was a sign of great trust that he allowed himself to drift off. Yet, the bizarreness of the situation could never be lost on her. This sleeping child, hardly younger than either her or James, was their son that didn't exist yet…even though he would exist someday, apparently.
Or, Lily thought briefly, maybe he wouldn't exist…if she and James couldn't work it out knowing what their destiny was meant to be.
If she didn't get together with James, if she didn't have a son named Harry…would she still die? Would Voldemort end up on her doorstep?
Probably. She cast a glance over Harry's head at James. He was the one who really had a chance to be spared. In Voldemort's world, marrying a Muggle-born meant you were a blood traitor. James was a pureblood, associating himself with her was where the danger presented itself.
"Is it worth it to you? To want to date me when the world is the way it is?" she had to ask. "You said that you didn't want us to die…" she trailed off, finding her hands very interesting all of the sudden. "You probably would be just fine…if you just didn't—"
"Don't even finish that sentence," James said sharply, pulled easily out of the quiet stupor. "You know that wasn't what I meant. I know what I want, Lily. I always have… and I believe in us. I believe we are both incredible wizards, in fact. What we know now…it means that Voldemort can't catch us off-guard like he did. We have a chance, don't we?"
Lily stared into the fire. What if this isn't about us surviving? What if it's about Harry, like Dumbledore said? What if we don't remember?
"I don't know," she finally said. "I don't see how we can know something like that right now."
She remembered that night they were alone in the Gryffindor common room and they had their first portion of an actual, real conversation. She remembered telling him that he would tell her what he was talking about in her own time, if at all. She remembered him, constantly making fun, almost like he was trying to make her go away. She remembered him not stopping her when she stood up to leave.
At the time, she had thought it wasn't normal because James Potter was always trying to charm her, and failing that, was always trying to irritate her, just to keep her around and paying attention to him. But that wasn't it.
James Potter just never gave up. He never gave up on anything. He never, ever gave up on her. And how, then, was he to accept her death?
"Death is but another journey." She smiled at him bravely, even though she didn't feel like smiling.
"The last enemy to be destroyed," James said. And Lily's smile suddenly became real because she felt that through all of this, she had finally grasped some understanding of this boy who had liked her for so long. And she could now say that his words were so very James. Death wasn't an adventure to him, but something to conquer, like anything else. James Potter never gave up.
"They're family words," he said, filling the silence again.
"Really?"
He frowned, going back into memory. "Pretty sure…"
"Well, they suit you."
"Thanks." His tone was a little bewildered, but she could see that he was willing to accept any compliment from her. There was another long silence and then he asked her another question of contention between them. "Are you with me on this now?"
She turned to look at him again and he continued. "I mean…whatever this is, I'm not going to use it to make you go out with me, okay? I'm not going to tell you that you should resign yourself to the fact that you are going to marry me because we already know…but you know how I feel."
"Yes," her mouth was so dry. "Yes, I do…"
"And I can't—" he took a deep breath and sounded like he stumbled on it. "I can't let you die. And I'm not going to pretend that I'm going to just be a good boy and do what Dumbledore says, because that isn't me. If there's a way…I'm going to find it."
Lily felt like sobbing. This boy—this man that she had known and disliked since she was eleven—how could he possibly love her this much? Why did he love her this much? She took a shaky breath and felt maddening tears prickling at the corners of her eyes.
"Thank you," she choked out.
He shrugged. "You don't need to say that."
She shook her head quickly, still battling tears. "Yes I do. For loving me, even when I've said 'no' again and again. Thank you. It means a lot. And I hope," she swallowed, "I hope that I can love the way that you do someday. It's amazing to be able to do that."
"You already do," he said softly.
She didn't know if she agreed with him, or if she would help him in his endeavor knowing that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But she was grateful to him all the same.
Harry's head tipped onto her shoulder and James chuckled sadly at the sight.
"If that were anyone else, I'd be jealous right now."
But it took her breath away that it was their son, and she didn't mind it at all. It also took her breath away that this was the first time he could fall asleep on his mother's shoulder. So many things they all missed out on.
"James…" she said finally. "Do what you feel is right. I trust you to do that."
That was quite a concession for the redhead, and James smiled.
"Alright, Evans. I will."
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Lily woke up as soon as the sun rose, shook James awake, and hurried to her dormitory to change and grab her things. Luckily, no one woke up until she was headed out the door "Lil—!" was all she heard the door close on.
James, of course, was already downstairs with Harry, smiling broadly. "It's a good thing none of the blokes wake up early. We got Harry here a donated uniform in his size!"
Knowing James and his friends, "donated" could mean stolen. But she didn't pursue that curiosity. Harry gave Lily a rueful look.
"Unless we want to starve, we need to go to the Great Hall and get breakfast before everyone else does."
James motioned to them. "Come along, then! Don't want Evans barring us from breakfast because too many people will be whispering behind our backs!"
Lily did find it a miracle that this was one of those rare stretches when there were no stragglers or studying overachievers in the common room, morning or night. The more questions they avoided, the better. Their lack of unwanted company was lucky.
But their luck ran out on their way to the Great Hall, when she saw James stiffen, but keep walking, trying very hard to ignore whatever had caused him to react. She turned her head in the direction she felt him shift and saw the problem immediately: Nott, Mulciber, and Snape.
Nott and Mulciber looked gleeful, but Snape's face was hard and disgusted, and his eyes kept darting over each of the three of them. When Harry caught sight of them, he halted and Lily and James followed suit.
"Fancy that," Nott said, nudging Snape. "I wake up early to have a clean, untouched breakfast…but it looks like it just got a whole lot filthier in here."
Lily's heart was pounding for a few reasons: she was absolutely furious, embarrassed that this was happening in front of Harry, worried she was going to have to restrain James, and Snape…well, she didn't want to think about it. The betrayal ran too deep to give it any time.
"I'm sure you heard about the blowup in Potions. Black was defending your honor, Evans. Guess Potter better watch out, because Black may be interested in dirtying himself up."
"Keep walking," James warned them. Harry was looking between them all in complete confusion, but Lily noticed that he was staring at Snape with the greatest amount of interest, his face twisted into a horrified awe. Predictably, James went for his wand after the last comment and Lily found herself grabbing his hand to stop him.
"How many times do I have to tell you that it's not worth it?" Lily hissed.
"It is," James insisted angrily. Nott laughed out loud.
"The two of you already having a lovers' spat? I guess the honeymoon phase ends quickly when you have so little in common."
Snape had not torn his eyes away from Lily's hand on James' and he muttered, "disgusting" before looking away. But Mulciber was focused on the third member of their group.
"Who's the little firsty? Who are you babysitting?" Mulciber asked.
Harry glared coldly at the three. James roughly jerked the hand Lily was holding, but Lily held fast.
"He hasn't gone for his wand, James. If you do, who do you think will be sitting in detention?" she murmured. His jaw tightened, but he tolerated her resistance for now.
Mulciber scratched his chin, pretending to think and intending to goad James into a fight. "So tell me, which side of the family is the kid from? Is he a mudblood or a blood traitor? He looks like a blood traitor to me."
Moments later, he was blasted backwards.
A/N: Please review! Let me know what you think of everything!
