Ode to Erik

Avoid The Drafts

"I found myself in rather a quandary earlier today. Difficult to say how it came about exactly; but it was a quandary none the less. It didn't hurt or anything, just a little uncomfortable really. It was, how shall I put it gracefully, an inconvenience at the least.

Being old you see, (I hate to admit that) it's best that I avoid drafts that get into my joints, or water that causes rust, or anything that causes general discomfort. I'm not high maintenance; just a spot of oil on my visor, a quick dust over my gauntlets and a dash of attention every now and again; preferably not from the harlequin though, we all know where that leads to.

The attention aspect of my existence can cause problems sometimes. If it isn't attention from the cad, or Venus or that hissing head, the attention comes from sweet Miss Hammond. So dear readers, that wherein is where my quandary lies.

When the masked fiend left for the night to commit his foulness upstairs, I was left in the company of little Evey. Now I am not one to complain if this scenario arises, we get on like a dream. She toddles about the place, and I keep a watch eye on her. She watches television, and I watch silently too. She bakes biscuits, and I enjoy the homely smell. It's a win-win situation.

But I shall keep a far warier eye on her now I can tell you! I have to admit, my watchful eye did close for a very short while as I enjoyed a quick nap (I am very old you realise.)

I shall not be making that mistake again.

I was awoken rather rudely from my delicious metallic slumber, by something rather sharp and pointy jabbing into my neck. Naturally I came to my senses expecting to see the cad wanting to engage in some battle and much exchanging of blows. So I braced myself and made ready for the dual. Only when I opened my eyes, instead of seeing a six foot odd buffoon in a mask before me, I saw nothing! This alarmed me some what.

Was I dreaming?

Was madness finally beginning to settle in after all these long years?

No I wasn't going mad because I felt it again! That pointy little thing most ill-mannered, how rude. I glanced down to ascertain where this attack was coming from to have my eyes shocked beyond belief by what I saw.

Little Miss Hammond none the less!

Just stood there, proud as you please with the foil in my throat! The bloody thing was almost as tall as she is! I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or to be truly worried (I've witnessed the extent of her rages…)

After taking a moment to assess her stance, posture and the way she was holding the foil, I decided not to be too concerned. She looked very shaky, off balance too, lacking confidence. (I've fought against professionals; I know how this is done!) Also, the daft grin on her face did not lend itself to any menace, so I was not nervous. I concluded that she would take a few swishes, prod me a bit, then get bored and bugger off.

How wrong could I have been?

What followed next could be described as Machiavellian.

She launched into an attack so vicious I cannot fully put it into words. An assault to such an extent that it has left me physically and mentally scarred. Suffice to say that this abuse continued for quite sometime, the blows reigning down upon my person with great ferocity and gusto! Who knew that such a delicate little creature could harbour such strength and aggression? (She's been around that bloody harlequin too long.)

She let go all her pent up rage and then some! Like a vicious little animal she was; hacking and stabbing at me far worse than the harlequin. When he does it, it comes across as graceful and looks poetic. This was just sheer carnage and raw aggression!

But the crowning moment of Eveys attack came when the foil became lodged firmly in my arm. Oh she tried and tried to pull it out but it wouldn't budge. I tried to tell her to get the oil but she just wasn't listening. The effort involved much huffing, pulling and a few profanities to boot, but still no joy. I think she was worried she would get into bother with that cad for messing around with his things, so she carried on trying to free the foil.

It took the best part of fifteen minutes. However, in one final attempt she gave an almighty tug and it came free, she danced about with glee. But she had started something both of us were powerless to stop.

As soon as the foil was removed I knew something was a miss. A small component sprung from my arm and bounced to the floor. I began to shake and quiver; and I knew what was coming next. Evey took a step back; the expression on her face said it all.

Oh shit….

In one almighty rumble, I fell to pieces! The noise was deafening! Yes my greaves tumbled to the floor, my cuirasses plummeted from me, my vambraces dropped and my gauntlets were lost to me. Metal everywhere! I was scattered in a thousand parts all over the gallery floor, most undignified! My head even rolled under the couch somewhere!

Eveys attempts to put me back together were less than successful' I think she got a left leg and a right foot together before she became distracted by the copy of Spiderman number twenty-five that bounced out of my left leg. She trotted off to read about Doctor Octopus, while leaving me spread about the gallery floor like nothing ever happened!

Women. Never in my life have I been so mistreated.

I spent a very uncomfortable afternoon and an even worse night on the floor. All those drafts; got right into my breast plates they did. Evey even kicked me about a few times, inadvertently of course…I hope! Suffice to say I stayed like that until the cad (my new saviour) came home the following morning and put me back together again.

It took him a while I must say, over two hours (we suits of armour are complicated things you know!)

I have suddenly developed a new found respect for the cad; not too much but enough. As for Miss Hammond; well I shall be keeping a watchful eye upon her from now on, bloody nutter.

Alas all is not perfect and rosy.

I only have one problem; one which out of my new found respect, I dare not raise with the fop.

My head is on back to front."