5/12
Dad can go shove it.
5/12, later.
So what was I supposedly doing to get Dad's attention? Why was I wasting my time? Who wants attention from that freak of nature? We were talking about my "options."
"My options for what?" I asked.
"For school in the fall," Dad replied.
"School in the fall?" I knew it was coming, but Dad is always under the impression that I'm completely clueless. I played it cool. "I'm not going back to Vista?"
"No," he said.
"Why not? It's not like he's there anymore."
Dad's eyes got a funny look to them. That same funny look he gets when I mention "him." Meaning Lew, and Dad has a hard time handling that. How is it that over Thanksgiving we were JOKING about this sort of thing, and now we're looking at "options"? Maybe I'm just some stupid immature kid (I know I am, by the way), but what changed that much? We wouldn't be here if I hadn't said anything. I'd be in the same fucked up Sunny situation, he just wouldn't know. And we could still be laughing about it.
Instead of yelling or something, Dad sighed. He looked tired, and OLD. He actually kind of reminded me of Mom in the early days of the chemo. Before things looked really grim.
"Sunny," he said, "this past year, I've been pretty much useless to you as a father. I feel a weight about what happened, because I suspect that if I had been there for you more, this wouldn't have happened."
Really, Dad? You think so? Isn't that special.
No, I didn't say that. I just sort of grunted, "What about counseling or something?"
"I'm afraid that it might be too late for just that. I've gone over ideas of counseling, therapy -for both of us- but..."
I hated hearing Dad sound so insecure. He sounded like he was breaking. I felt guilty, because if I had just been normal, we wouldn't be here. But normal for me would have been sleeping with a hundred guys under eighteen, instead of just one teacher. I probably would have ended up pregnant with herpes. So what's worse?
Personally, a little emotionally scarred seems better than that.
Maybe a little bit more than a little.
"What are you going to do?" I asked. "Going to send me away somewhere? Out of sight, out of mind, right?"
"It's not like that, Sunny. I'm not trying to get rid of you. I'm just... doing what I can. For your best interest."
"So you are sending me away. I can see how that's in MY best interest. Since you've obviously been doing such a good job." I waited for him to snap at me, but he didn't. He looked a little weary, and I felt bad again. "To where? Some convent in the middle of nowhere?"
"Convent? I don't think this is a time to try and shove religion on you. I don't think anytime is the time to shove religion on you. You should hopefully know me better than that."
"Should I?"
He sighed again. "Maybe not. I've been researching girl's schools, though. Some are boarding schools. Some aren't. Some are in the area. Some... aren't."
"How do I go to a non-boarding school somewhere else? Would you move?"
"One of them is in Atlanta."
"What does that- No! Dad, no! Please, anything but that. I'll go to any boarding school, send me to a convent, but PLEASE, don't make me go live with Aunt Morgan!"
He actually laughed at me. "I've talked to her about it."
"You TOLD her?" I felt a little sick at the idea of Dad telling anyone (especially Aunt Morgan) about what happened. It was bad enough, Dad knowing.
"Of course I told her."
"Who else have you told?" I could feel my eyes bugging out.
"No one. Just Morgan. She's... she's checking out the school there for me."
"You're just going to force me to go out there and live with her? And I don't even get a say in the matter?"
"Do you think it's possible that I don't think you're responsible enough to be making your own choices right now?"
I was stunned. I shouldn't have been. In the past year, I've proven myself to be less than trustworthy. I'm aware of that. It was just shocking that Dad had finally caught on.
"Okay... but let's add it to the record that I don't want to move to Atlanta."
"Added," he said. "But if I think it's the best thing for you, you're going to go."
"I hate this," I said. "I'm getting my life uprooted, totally turned upside down, and you just get to stay here and do whatever. I know I screwed up, but you did too. It's not fair that I'm the only one who has to make sacrifices!"
"The only one making sacrifices? How can you say that?"
"Because I screw up one time and you're ready to just get rid of me! You couldn't care less!"
"You think it's easy? I don't WANT to send you away. I wouldn't, if I thought I had any other option. However, I think it IS the best thing for you. I'm aware that I can't do what needs to be done to raise you. I can't do it by myself-"
"You can't do it at all!" I snapped. "You didn't do anything when Mom was alive. You were just there. She did all the work."
"We can lay blame all day, Sunny, but it's not going to change what's happening. You are going to be taken out of Vista, and you will be going to another school. I'm not doing it because I want to get rid of you, but because it's what's best for you! You need more help than I can provide you with."
"Well, at least we can agree on something!" I stomped upstairs.
I don't even want to think about living with Aunt Morgan. I've been ready for boarding school. I've been preparing myself for living in a world without guys (lesbianism is really hip these days, I hear). Hell, send me to the convent. Just NOT with Aunt Morgan.
Chances are, I'll be stuck with her. Dad would do it just to piss me off.
5/13
Oh shit. Oh shit.
I just did something really stupid. REALLY, really stupid.
This time, no one is EVER going to find out.
I knew Ducky was working tonight. I had stole the schedule. So I told Dad (Who has no idea that Ducky and I are fighting) that I was going to the store. The only flaw in the plan was if Dad called the store, because Ducky would surely deny my being there.
In the old days, even if we were fighting, Ducky would cover for me. Just because that's the sort of guy he is. This one was the kicker. The days of Ducky and Sunny are gone. I don't think that one was all my fault, either. Sure, I shouldn't have read Ducky's journal, I'm a bad friend, blah, blah, blah, but I just had to know. Ducky shouldn't have yelled at me like that.
Karma is just going to have to get me the next time around.
But oh well. It didn't matter because Dad didn't call, and I didn't get caught.
I wandered around for a while, until I was over in Ducky's neighborhood. I don't know why I was there. Maybe I felt bad. I know I've felt bad about it for a while, even though, reasons stated above. It's sad to lose a friendship.
Or just kick one in the face like I did with Dawn. But that's neither here nor there now.
"Hey... Sunny?"
I turned and there was Alex. He was sitting on a porch step. He was setting a book down next to him on the stoop.
"Hi," I said, walking over to him. "You live here?"
"Yup." He nodded. "What are you doing over here?"
"Just walking," I replied.
"Come on in." He got up and I followed him inside. We sat down in the living room. The house was pretty much set up like Ducky's.
Alex reached into his pocket and pulled out a white and gold pack of cigarettes. He pulled out from the pack. "You want one... oh, no. You wouldn't, would you? Do you mind if-?"
I shook my head. "Go ahead. Does Ducky know?"
"That I smoke? Hell no! I don't smoke a lot, I know that's what everyone says, but a pack lasts me like a week. But yeah, hiding it and him finding out due to some strange circumstance is better than me telling him."
I laughed. "Okay, I know how that is. So... where are your parents?"
"Mom's at work, sister's at a friend's house."
"Oh."
"So how are things?" Alex took a drag off his cigarette.
"Shitty," I replied. "Dad's talking about boarding schools and all of that."
"That sucks."
"I'm okay with that. I'm fine with leaving, in fact, I'm sort of looking forward to it, but Dad's talking about Atlanta, some all girl's school. For me to go live with my Aunt Morgan. Wicked Aunt from Hell."
Alex laughed. "Gotcha. That's still warm weather most of the year, though, right? Try being thrown into winter in Chicago."
"Yuck."
"Tell me about it. But Atlanta. That's mostly warm, and especially going there in like August. No problem."
"Still problem. Living with Aunt Morgan."
"Well, yeah. I don't know how to help you there."
I settled back on the couch. "How am I supposed to deal with this? It's bad enough that I screwed up, and I have to deal with everyone knowing. But getting thrown into a totally new situation? A whole new place? Is that supposed to make this easier?"
"Well, there are ways to deal with it," Alex said. "But take some advice from me. Don't take advice from me."
"I'm not very good at taking advice. Go on."
"All right. There's a hundred ways to cut yourself off. Self injury, substance abuse, endless string of meaningless sexual relationships- that's probably your road."
I laughed. "Probably. You... did all that?"
"Yeah. None of it did me any good though."
"Tell me."
"About how it didn't do any good?" He paused. "Oh, the sexual relationships. Yes, Sunny, it's true. I'm not a virgin. Girls in Chicago."
"Are the girls in Chicago loose?" I asked, smiling slightly.
"Hopeless suicidal ones who are using me for the same reason I'm using them are. It's not glamorous. It doesn't make you feel any better, not in the end."
I paused. Not the sort of answer I was expecting. Not this this was a conversation I was expecting. "Did it stop you?"
Alex took the last drag off of his cigarette and smashed it in an ash tray. He exhaled a bunch of smoke. "When everything else you've been doing starts to work. When you start to care enough about life to care what a girl thinks of you, and what you think of her. To care about anything. When you start to realize that there's more to this, and... how you treat people matters. Even if you've been treated like shit."
"How long did it take?" I asked in a small voice.
"I don't know, it happened over time. But I'd never really been treated like shit, I was just... lost. Anything I tried to do on my own to help myself just made the situation worse."
"How do you come back from it?"
He smiled and put his hand over mine. "The whispers when you walk down the hall will pass. It is almost the end of the school year. Even if your dad changes his mind and you come back to Vista, by then you'll be old news."
"Thanks," I said, rolling my eyes. The devil then took over my body.
Boy, the devil made me do it would be SUCH a nice excuse.
I am a terrible person.
I kissed Alex. Smack on the lips. It came out of nowhere. I hadn't even thought thoughts about Alex like that. Never in my entire life. But all of a sudden, all this talk of meaningless sexual relationships, it seemed so tempting. And I fell into temptation.
Just do it. Don't feel. Don't think.
When do I ever think?
"Whoa!" Alex said, sliding back away from me. He put his hands up in a surrender move. "I wasn't implying something here, Sunny."
"I know, I've just felt so stupid and embarrassed the past few weeks, and I just wanted to forget for a minute," I said. I was looking at my hands.
"Watch a movie. Read a book. Write a book."
"That just doesn't do it. I..."
"Sunny, there is nothing in the world that could make me go any further with this. You should... probably go home."
The devil made me do it.
Fuck. I am the devil.
I took off my shirt.
"Sunny, don't."
I slid to the side of the couch where Alex is, well, cowering away from me. However, I think he was more afraid of the wrath of Ducky if he were find out, than not wanting to have sex with me. Even if Ducky and I aren't talking, I'm a little afraid about what would happen to Alex if he found out.
I wrapped my arms around him and started kissing his neck.
He didn't push me away. Instead, he whispered in my ear, "Why are you doing this? Is it worth it?"
"Yes," I said.
"I just said that it wasn't. It never is. It doesn't make a difference."
"Humor me."
He put his hands on my back. His hands were cold.
Ever hear that phrase "Is kissing someone who smokes like kissing an ash tray?" Turns out the answer is no. It wasn't like kissing someone who was just chewing mint gum, but it didn't taste like that stale ash-y smell.
I could feel the distance. Kissing Alex, lending a hand in removing his clothes, pulling off my own, it wasn't like with Lew. There was a sense of desperation, but it was mostly that I was feeling nothing.
It was working.
I wasn't sure if it would work. But it did. I felt nothing. I was numb. I was a rock.
And for a minute, while while we were on the floor of Alex's living room, and I mounted him, I was a god.
But that didn't last long. He rolled us over so he was on top. Fine, he wanted to play that game. Male dominance. Control. I was used to it. It wasn't a game, though.
I've had sex more times than I can count (well, I can count, I could probably go back through this journal and add them up, but more times than I CARE to count), but it was nothing like this. With Lew, it was the Lew show. We did whatever we did for the pleasure of Lew.
Maybe I just figured that's what sex was. Maybe I figured that's all I was good for. Making some guy feel good. Just a sex machine.
This is why I've been having sex for the past five months and know absolutely nothing about having sex. I guess there's a reason he taught bio and not sex ed.
It turns out I was wrong about sex. I was wrong about a lot of things.
Throughout the whole thing, Alex asked me how I was feeling, where I wanted him to touch me. He didn't just do his thing, come and go. He took his time. Sex had never taken this long, but not in a bad way. He didn't just do what he did, he did things for ME.
I dug my fingernails into his shoulder, which had to hurt, as I, for the very first time, had an orgasm.
Alex pulled out and leaned against the couch. He grabbed his cigarette pack and got one out. He didn't light it, he just held it.
"That was the best sex I've ever had," I said.
He smiled. "I'm glad."
Then I started to cry. And not just little tears, I started to bawl. I hadn't really cried since I told Ducky about Lew and me. Even when we had that fight, it wasn't crying like this. But it wasn't that. It wasn't about the sex, or even that I just screwed Ducky's best friend. It was just about how stupid I'd been. How wrong I had been about everything.
Alex reached over and held me. Even though he was naked and I was just in a bra, it was probably one of the least sexual moments of my life. I don't know how long that went on.
"I'm so sorry," I said, "I shouldn't have- I..."
He pulled away for a moment and held my face in his hands. "Don't be sorry. I should be sorry. For a minute there, I thought it was okay. That if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. Someone else who wouldn't care, and it wouldn't end. I've been there, and it never makes you feel better, it just makes you feel empty. So I shouldn't have done this. I should have walked you home."
I started to cry again. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal?"
"What's normal? Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them. You haven't made any fatal ones. You still have time to fix yourself."
Then we both got dressed and he walked me home.
We didn't say much. At one point, though, I looked over at him.
"You like Amalia, don't you?"
He looked a little surprised, then a little sheepish. "Yeah, kinda."
"You should ask her out."
"I, uh... probably shouldn't. Not after this."
I stopped and put my hand on his arm. "Yeah, you should."
He gave me a funny look. "Like I'm going to take dating advice from you."
I laughed and shoved him. "Shut up."
"That's better," he said, laughing too.
When we got to my house, there was an awkward moment. Should I shake his hand? Hug him? Kiss him? What do you do after really great awkward sex?
Alex solved the problem. He leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Night, Sunny."
"Night, Alex... hey, uh... where... did you learn how to do that? I mean, all of that. Back there."
He grinned. "French class."
I started laughing. "Go away! Go home!"
He laughed too and started down the sidewalk. I went inside.
I just don't understand. How in the world, when I was at my most unrespectable, I was respected? Not the sex part, but the after sex part.
Alex said he was wrong, but he was right. I would have just gone somewhere else. And I wouldn't have cared who. But where would that have left me? I'd just keep going back again and again to the wrong people for something I didn't need. I probably WOULD have ended up pregnant with herpes. It would never have ended.
One more wrong move turned into a right one. I wanted to sleep with Alex so I wouldn't have to feel. I just wanted to be that sex machine. He really didn't let me. I was able to see that it's all more than just that.
And it shouldn't be wasted. Not on someone who doesn't deserve it. Someone like Lew. Of course, Lew is probably getting anally raped as I write this, so I can't feel too horrible about him.
I hate it that I have to figure things out this way. I have to screw up over and over again. I have to keep making the same stupid mistakes before it finally sinks in. I never learn on the first try. I hate that. But it's probably a good thing, now. At least I figured it out now before I did it again.
I still have time to fix myself. I don't have to be like this forever.
