Chapter 40 - Glasgow, 25 July 2004
You know that way you feel when you've been given what you most wanted? That terror that it's going to be snatched away - leaving you more bereft than if you'd never had it? That's how I feel. I look at her, lying there, sleeping in my bed, peaceful and dishevelled, and I can hardly believe it.
It'll be time to wake her soon so we can go and get Moira, but I'm loath to, preferring to just be with her, looking at her, drinking in everything about her. Last night was better than I'd ever dreamed it could be. I think we were both afraid at first - not sure how to be with one another, both scared of coming on too strong or seeming cold or expecting more than the other was offering. But amazingly, it was the same physical attraction that ruined everything the last time that saved us this time. The chemistry between us has always been there, since long before Buffy admitted it, and if I'm honest, long before I admitted it to myself.
Later, we spent a long time talking - nothing earth-shattering, just the sort of small-talk that you get between people who already know one another well. Buffy's probably only had a couple of hours sleep since then, and that's another reason I don't want to wake her.
Checking the clock, I realise that we're out of time. Even allowing her a minimum time to shower and dress, it's going to be all we can do to get to the hospital by ten.
I lean over and plant a kiss on her cheek. She seems startled for an instant, then relaxes again, turning her face towards me. I take the opportunity and kiss her on the lips. The kiss is returned, and for a moment I forget about Moira, drowning again in everything that is Buffy. A crash from next door brings me back to the here and now. It's only Dawn being Dawn, but it's enough to remind me that we're on a timetable. Moira made it perfectly clear when we visited last night that we'd better not make her wait an instant longer than necessary this morning.
Buffy's pouting, her eyes opening slowly.
"Why did you stop?"
"No time, Pet. You need to get ready to go and get Moira."
The pout immediately disappears, and she jumps up to check the time. "We're going to be late!" she shouts as she jumps up, fumbling to pick up her clothes.
"Use my shower," I suggest. "I'll get you a towel."
I throw on some clothes while I listen to the sounds of water falling, my imagination going into overdrive as I picture her. It takes all my concentration to grab some blood and make her some toast. She won't have time to eat it before we leave, but she can take it with her.
She's still not ready when there's a knock at the door, which I immediately know is Dawn. I open it, and she glides in, a Cheshire Cat grin on her face.
"So, you ready?"
"I'm ready, but your sister's still dressing."
"Gus could take me, you know. You didn't need to …"
"Want to. Buffy too. Moira - she believed in me when I needed someone on my side. Least I can do is drive her home after what she did for me."
Buffy appears then, her hair still wet, but she's ready. I hand her the toast and a carton of orange juice. There's no time for coffee. She takes both and we walk out to the car.
There's no way I can get into the hospital with the girls - so I wait in the car in a short term parking bay close to the door. Need to be there anyway, since otherwise we might get back to find the car clamped.
Inevitably, it takes longer than it should, and I'm there for forty minutes and only just avoid a chat with a warden, when they appear. Moira looks furious, and I assume that's because she's been confined to a wheelchair for her exit. She pulls herself up from it with a snort of disgust as soon as the chair halts, and climbs in beside me. Buffy and Dawn climb in the back and a glance in my mirror shows me two remarkably similar smiles.
Moira must read my reaction.
"I don't know what you find so funny. A wheelchair indeed. There's nothing wrong with my legs."
"I know, Moira," Buffy replies gently. "But you heard what they said. You've got to take it easy for a few days. It's either that or you're likely to end up back in hospital."
"So what am I supposed to do? Sit with my feet up letting others look after me? That's not my way, never has been. And there's so much to do. I hope there's good news on the missing Slayers. Even if we get those girls back, some are bound to be traumatised by their experiences, so there's no time to lose."
And of course, she's right. Last night, it was almost possible to forget the other Slayers. A glance towards Buffy shows that the sudden pang of guilt I feel at having forgotten for a few hours is mirrored in her eyes. I squeeze her hand.
"We'll bring them home, Pet. Nothing's changed that."
The conversation then shifts to Moira interrogating us on what happened to Angelus and Dru. She'd been pestering everyone last night, but with the lack of privacy in the hospital, we hadn't got much beyond, 'Everything's under control'. When she's finally got the whole story, she sighs deeply. "Poor child. Drusilla was a remarkable young woman before Angelus got his hands on her by all accounts. Her family - descendants of one of her sisters - are represented in the coven. They've researched the family history quite extensively. Had she not been destroyed by Angelus, it is believed that Drusilla would have been an extremely powerful seer."
"She was," I agree. "I mean, she had her strange ways, but she knew things."
"But Angelus warped her gift like he warped so much else in his existence. It its way, his fate is just."
To my amazement, once we've got Moira home, it's Dawn who takes over, and odder still, Moira actually seems to accept Dawn bossing her around in a way I'd guarantee she wouldn't cope with from anyone else. Dawn bustles around, unpacking Moira's things and making her a 'proper' cup of tea.
"Always stewed in hospital," Moira complains as she closes here eyes at the first sip. "Don't know how they do it - even when it's just been infused, it's stewed."
"One of the mysteries of the universe," I agree. She glares at me, so I decide to keep quiet for a while.
Gus must have heard us coming in, or spotted my car, because he comes down a moment later. Moira greets him rather more gently than usual, as if impressed by his genuine concern. The greetings are short, though, before Moira starts to question him on progress.
"Well, the coven seems to be pretty sure that they can use Slayer blood to find the other Slayers, but the mechanics are still difficult. They're sending a representative soon - she's due to teleport shortly - and we're going to see if we can come up with a method. Giles has had blood samples delivered this morning too - from maybe thirty different Slayers in all. It should be enough."
"Good," Moira says. "I'll just finish this cup, and we'll go up and see what we can work out."
There's silence at that. Buffy, Gus and I look at one another, trying to work out which one of us is brave enough to tell her no. She spots our reaction, and looks at us sternly.
"There's no need for that. I can rest physically while using my brain. And sitting down here trying to eavesdrop or worrying because I don't know what's happening is bound to be worse."
"Yes, but the stairs …" Gus starts.
"Aren't a problem," I interrupt. "I'll carry her upstairs, get her comfortable in a chair, and bring her down again at the first sign of her heart doing anything different."
Moira seems about to argue, but Buffy and Gus are standing either side of me, and I'm pretty sure that Willow's 'resolve face' hasn't got anything on the three of us.
Gus goes back upstairs, and I leave the girls to finish their tea while I pop into my flat. There's a small armchair that's much more comfortable than the office chairs upstairs, and there's a box in the bedroom that'll serve as a footstool with a bit of padding. I take both upstairs, gaining a disapproving look from Giles. It's only when I explain their use that he reluctantly agrees to setting them up in a corner of the office from where Moira can feel a part of everything that happens. That does mean taking some unnecessary bits downstairs too - but there's room in my flat, and to be honest, there're too many filing cabinets up there anyway.
A while later, I carry Moira up to her chair, and while she's complaining all the way, I get the impression it's gentler than usual, as if she's also touched by the way everything in the room has been turned to give her pride of place. Once she's there, we have only to wait for a few minutes before Willow arrives. That's a surprise, since no one had let us know she'd be the representative of the coven, so there's a round of welcoming before she eventually takes her place. Giles allows that to continue for a short while before insisting that we all settle down to business.
"Willow, will you please summarise the progress that the coven has made?"
"Sure. We've basically solved the spells we need to look into many different worlds quickly. The Slayer blood is sort of like a compass needle, so we've got a way of looking. In computer terms, it's the interface we need. The crystals were ok for gaining access to a single universe - they were specifically tuned. What we need to do is much bigger, and we need to be able to process the reaction of the blood to any given universe. If we go ahead like that, it'll take a long time. What we need is some way of tuning a decision-maker to the blood so that we have the information instantly, and we can intelligently search for each Slayer."
"And you've got no ideas yet?" Giles is scowling.
"Actually, I didn't, and we were hoping someone here could come up with something, but then I got here and found someone I wasn't expecting."
She's looking at me, and of course, the answer's obvious. If I'm attuned to Slayer blood, I can be the focus, the intelligence behind the search.
"You plan to use Spike?" Giles seems surprised.
"Well, like I said, until I got here, I thought he was dust, and with Angel being human now, we'd run out of our supply of vamps who might be persuaded to help."
"If you need me, Red, I'm there."
"It could be risky," she cautions. "Let me go through the procedure before you decide for sure. We're going to have to get you to ingest a cocktail of Slayer blood. That part's easy. Harder, will be getting you to attune yourself to the things about the blood that make it Slayer blood. Think you can do that?"
"Can't help thinking I'm probably the best qualified vamp around in that respect."
"Wait, Spike. You've killed, what, two Slayers? That's not a big sample. Are you sure you can recognise what makes it different?" Buffy's looking worried.
"I've killed two Slayers, yes. But I know the blood of four Slayers. You think I haven't known every time you've had so much as a cut, Buffy? I might not have had a taste, but I'd recognise yours anywhere. And Faith - she got cut up a time or two back in old SunnyD. Know what that's like too. And I know normal human blood. More than I'd want to admit. Believe me, I'd recognise Slayer blood in an instant."
"Ok," Willow continues. "The next bit is a spot of astral projection and we'll start by putting you into a trance. I'll be your guide for that, directing the opening of worlds and the teleportation as it's needed, but you're going to have to direct me and for that, I'll have to be in your head. We'll probably start with a few at random to give you the idea, but I'll need you to start feeding me good information quite quickly or we're both going to be exhausted before we've done much. Even working at pretty much maximum efficiency, I doubt we'll be able to find more than two or three Slayers in a session. If we stay in a trance too long, there's a chance one of us - most likely you, Spike, will be lost - unable to return to your own body."
"Didn't figure it'd be a walk in the park. I'm still in."
I glance at Buffy. There's fear in her eyes, but she smiles her approval. She knows I've got to do this.
"When do we start?"
"I need some time to set up, and I'd like to have some quiet time to clear my mind, so maybe a couple of hours? Probably be a good idea if you don't have any blood other than Slayer from now."
"And if this doesn't work?" Giles is looking concerned.
"If this doesn't work, then we're back to trying to find a mechanism - an intelligent interface between me and the blood. Because I'm not about to try drinking it - apart from anything, the human digestive system'd destroy the Slayer essence in no time, and blood's liable to irritate my stomach to the extent that I'll end up bringing it right back up again."
"I see. And where will you do this?" Giles' voice is low and measured.
"Somewhere quiet. We need to be sure of not being disturbed. Other than that, Spike and I need to be physically comfortable. Nothing special, really."
"My flat, then," I answer. "Get away from this circus. You coming, Red?"
Willow nods, and gets to her feet. Buffy's at my side before I get to the door, and the three of us make our way downstairs, samples of blood shared among us.
"So? Where did you come from this time?" Willow asks as soon as we're out of the room.
"Buffy didn't tell you?"
"I haven't spoken to Buffy for … ages. I heard she was in Glasgow, but I assumed Giles brought her in to investigate the Slayer disappearances."
"Giles didn't bring me here at all. That was Moira - the lady in the corner. And as for where he was, well, he's been here all along. He survived the dragon, and Giles offered him a job here - mainly to keep him out of my way. Stupid vamp thought Angel'n me were going to be playing happy families now he's human."
"Oi. Less of the stupid. I made some mistakes. Thought we'd got over that."
"We have. That doesn't mean I've given up my rights to tease you about it."
"So you're what? Together?" Willow manages to make it sound like it's not a question.
"Yeah. We're giving it a go. It's still new, though."
"You ok with him doing this?"
"It's his choice. I can't say anything about him doing this and then go and face a vamp on patrol, now can I? Doesn't mean I'm not scared for him."
I grab her hand and squeeze it. She's right, of course. Business we're in, we both need to take risks. It's always going to be harder to be the one who watches than the one actually taking the risk.
"How risky is it?" she asks.
"Honestly? I don't know. I'll have a better idea once we've done a run. It's down to Spike's ability to focus, not only on the search, but on retaining his sense of 'self'. Some people find it easy, others? Not so much. I'll keep a close rein on him at first. That'll slow progress, but I'll let him go a bit if I think he's coping."
I show Willow the living room, and she pronounces it acceptable. We leave her to set up, moving towards the bedroom without discussion. Once the doors close, Buffy puts her arms around me and squeezes hard.
"Ow!"
She remembers the ribs and loosens her grip. "Sorry."
"I'll be fine."
"You better be. I'll be here anyway. If you need something to bring you back, just remember me."
"I'll always come back to you."
"I hope so."
"Just one thing," I say as she comes closer for a kiss.
"What's that?"
"I'd better go and bring Moira back down. If I'm going to be tied up down here, I'd rather she was back in her own flat with Dawn fussing over her."
She sighs but nods.
"Two minutes – that's how long you've got. Then I want you back here. Ok?"
I smile at the fake petulance while wondering if I can do it in less.
