A/N: Thanks to katiek121, sanbeegoldiewhitey, mysticalphoenix-avalon (right?! I do try to make my Harry the cutest, because at this age he was adorable!), ArielSakura, Ruk, and Alicia Olivia Mirza for the reviews! Keep 'em coming! It's makes it so much easier to crank these chapters out with your support!
"Are you gonna go after her?" Sirius asked after a minute or two of standing there in a long quiet.
"Not right now," James responded, sounding equal parts regretful and angry. He glanced at the door, shaking his head. "I will…not now."
Sirius nodded. The passion of the outburst he had just witnessed…it would have been something he'd tease James about. But this was quickly becoming something he couldn't take the mickey about. The problem was too real, too adult. If any of it was even true.
"You're really sure about this," Sirius said for what felt like the thousandth time. He dared a look at his best friend's pained face. "I want to help you."
"You can't. How can you?" James ruffled his disastrous hair. Sirius was there now, and it was a great relief, to have someone that knew him so well just know about this. But at the same time, it was an immensely private thing that had thrown he and Evans together in the strangest way. Sirius here…distorted it for him. He was a Marauder, he was Sirius' best friend, but someday he would be a husband and father and he would die to protect his son and none of this had met. At least, not yet. Not for him.
It was hard, but he met Sirius' eye and the look on his face was of complete, unquestionable loyalty and a lump solidified in his throat, strangling him. "I…"
"I get it," Sirius said quickly, realizing suddenly how close James was to an embarrassing display of emotion. "It's weird. I can imagine how you feel about it."
James nodded, his eyes travelling to the door again. "We don't agree on this," he said, stating the obvious. "I tried to, for her. But it doesn't feel right, you know?"
Sirius nodded. If it were him, he knew doubtlessly that he would stop at nothing to change it all. To be the hero. He didn't even think there was a chance he could fail at it…that wasn't how they did things. They, who became illegal Animagi to help a friend.
"You need to do what you need to do, Prongs." Sirius said honestly, shrugging at his best mate.
James looked at him. "Yes, I know it's very simple for you, but you don't—" he paused. "You haven't…felt about someone the way that I…"
"Yeah, the way you feel about Evans." Sirius finished blithely. "But are you doing this to get her to fancy you, Prongs? Or are you doing this because it's what is right?" At James' silence, Sirius had his answer. "You don't need to be someone else. If I had to guess, I'd bet Lily Evans married the person you really are, not the one who agrees with everything she says and thinks." The handsome boy smirked. "C'mon. You both get too hot under the collar arguing to ever give it up."
That did pull a smirk out of James. He was grateful to Sirius, because every once in a while, when James couldn't remember exactly who he was, Sirius would remind him.
"So that's how it'll be," James shrugged helplessly. "Me on one side of this and her on the other…"
"Yeah, mate. Well, no one said raising a kid would be easy."
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Lily slowed her stride once she was sure that no one was following her. And once she was sure no one was following her, her eyes began to burn and a lump formed in her throat. Loneliness sank in like she had never felt before…and suddenly, in that hallway, she didn't know what was right.
It could mean their lives.
That wasn't a foreign thought…but this time it fell like a hammer. In the future, she was dead. She ceased to exist.
Had she fought? Had it been very painful? Had it been the work of seconds or a long, terrible progress towards death? Her parents…what would happen to them? She thought of Sirius, Remus, Peter, Mary, Marlene, and the rest of her friends… the things Harry couldn't tell her or explain. Had she been living a fairytale life when Voldemort came to call? Had she been happy with James Potter? Had she been happy with James and their baby son?
It was as if every single thing that came to her mind was sitting on her chest with its acute reality, pressing into her until she couldn't breathe.
Before she was fully aware of it, she was in front of the statue of the one-eyed witch, choking out sobs. Her knees banged to the floor as it all rushed to meet her and she huddled there, unable to breath and cry at the same time. She wrapped her arms around herself, but there was no comfort to be found there.
It should have been so simple. Before Harry came along, it had been. She went to school, she vaguely disliked James, she spent time with her friends, she expected to get married and have children someday. She had planned to live a long life.
That death knell had a finality to it that it hadn't before, in her panic, the seconds of her life ticked away to her pounding heart. She had to get a grip on herself.
She was right about this. She was right.
Wasn't she?
She watched her tears drop dark little circles on the polished floor and she didn't know any more. The dizziness was there, but she also didn't know whether that was a symptom of the strange situation they were in that worried Madam Pomfrey, or if it was purely emotional.
And once she could get to her feet again, she did. She walked to the lake. It was abandoned, as everyone was getting up for breakfast and heading off to class. Better that she wasn't seen like this, not even by James or Harry. She sat by the side and watched the water sparkle in the first full traces of the sun. She and her friends would always sit by the water at the end of the year…it was how they took the stress out of final exams. They only got harder each passing year.
Only last year, did she sat along the border of the lake and watch James Potter torment Severus Snape as he always had. Until she just had to step in. And she had lost something that day… Today, she looked out into the lake and there was a large, ominous shadow passing just along the surface of the water. She had told James that she would rather go out with the Giant Squid than accept a date with him.
Well, that probably wasn't true anymore, she thought with a rueful smile.
She sat there for what felt like hours before she heard soft footsteps muffled by the grass. She closed her eyes, guessing who it was…not acknowledging his name.
"Hey."
And there he was in the morning sun, glasses glinting white and hair a mess of black, as always. He had his hands in his pockets, looking sheepish but determined…and Lily's heart rose.
"Hey."
Their argument…it was there between them, but it also was not. She was reminded that he was Harry's father, and if they died, they died together. It was a bizarre comfort to embrace, but she was helpless but to feel that way. He staggered to the ground next to her with exaggerated ease, watching the lake as she had been all this time.
"Took me a while to find you," he finally said. "I looked…everywhere but Gryffindor Tower and the Great Hall, basically. But I didn't think you'd be out here. Not after…"
He trailed off, but she knew exactly what he had wanted to say. That infamous day that ended her friendship with Snape forever was on both of their minds. And she was very aware of his implied question: why come here?
Luckily, he had taken so long to find her that the tears had dried from her face. There was no evidence of her imbalanced mind outwardly. So she took the time to wonder why she had come out here…
"That day." She didn't need to clarify which day she was talking about. "That was the first time that I…"
"What?" He sounded very interested in whatever she had to say. A cautious interest, knowing how much that day had hurt her and what part he had played in it.
"That I…that I really wondered who was on my side," she said eventually, almost unwillingly. "He was supposed to be my friend. He wasn't supposed to hurt me…he wasn't supposed to hate people like me and only like me either. I had ignored it for so long…" her voice sounded hoarse even to her own ears. "And then you…you did what you did and it forced me to see it. I hated that…"
She glanced at him and saw the grimace, the pain along his profile. "I'm sorry."
She shook her head dismissively. She had known he was sorry for that one for a long time, the apology itself didn't matter anymore. She licked her lips, trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to say. And James watched her mouth and made her heart pound just a little harder.
"You were a horrible jerk, Potter. But… I know you'd fight for me. That you'd fight alongside me." And that was important now, she realized. The fight this morning, the constant throwing around of the word "mudblood"… The times they lived in were not safe and if she had to surround herself with anyone, it was the people who would go to war with her; who would fight for her right to have a wand in her hand. And James…he had always cared about her, extremely so. Even when he was absolute shit at showing it properly, like he had been for years.
"Thanks," James said. He was still watching her now, the light freckles across his nose more pronounced in the morning light and this close up.
And then it struck her. She really liked James Potter. And it wasn't because he was the future father of her child or because he was handsome and good at Quidditch or any of the other things that girls squealed over. She didn't even like him because he loved her. It was something else, his fight? His sense of honor, his good-natured humor, his caring, his selflessness…the list had suddenly become endless.
"You're welcome," she said automatically, and when she said it, she noticed that her breath fanned out against his lips. How and when had he gotten so close? She blinked and minutely flinched back, but only enough to take her out of his immediate space. James blinked too.
She thought he was going to back away, do the gentlemanly thing he had taken to doing with her whenever he realized that he was pushing too much.
He didn't. And suppose he hadn't actually pushed too much…Lily wavered still with their faces close and calm.
Instead, he watched her eyes, very carefully. "I love them," he whispered, as if he was intimating a secret and not something he had said a thousand times. As she hadn't specified before, neither did he. But she knew what he meant. He had always loved her eyes, "among other things," James would say. Her mouth curled upwards, just a little. Neither of them moved, and now…she expected it.
The touch of his lips was warm, suddenly and quietly pressed on hers.
It didn't begin with a bang. It didn't begin in front of a cheering crowd after a Quidditch match, or in the hallway while screaming at each other. Or in a broom closet, like Sirius always teased…
It just…began.
His mouth was soft and firm, and he held it there against hers until she slowly sank into him, her eyes fluttering shut with a naturalness she didn't question. She felt his breath…could taste it, in fact, and her mouth almost immediately opened underneath his, wanting more. He reciprocated, hands at her waist and tightening, pulling her into him and holding her close as they fell into this slow intoxication. Lily felt deliriously like she had all of the time in the world, kissing him.
"'s sweet," James mumbled, angling his head and deepening and deepening it. Then one hand fisted in her hair and their languid pace quickened. What was going on? Lily half-moaned and clenched a hand around his collar, trying to bring him closer. The hand that was at her waist fell to the ground so he could keep balance and then with Quidditch-borne reflexes, he reversed, pulling her up into his lap. She relaxed all of her weight against him, feeling his muscles flexing against her with fascination.
He was strong. He made her feel safe and wanted. And also…yes, he was hot. And the way he was handling her was so…attractive. Lily blushed as she was lost in his scorching, insistent mouth. She had never felt like this before, and she didn't want it to—
"That's right! Get it, Potter!" came an obnoxious, loud voice.
James' surname had them springing apart like someone had clapped in their ears. Then came the catcalling and howling. Lily looked around furiously and dazed to see the Ravenclaw Quidditch team watching them from the pitch, brooms waving up in the air in a mock celebration.
"Evans FINALLY caved!"
"Good on you, mate! Persistence pays off!"
James shook his head, laughing in surrender at their audience as Lily edged behind him in embarrassment. "Yeah, shut it, I'm going to kick your arses next week out there! You'd better practice!"
That only deterred them slightly, but James turned back to Lily now, a little concerned at her possible reaction to snogging him. Sure, she had kissed back, but did she regret it? Was she going to pretend it never happened? He didn't think he could handle it if she did that.
Lily, for her part, was blushing madly and looking anywhere but at James. She wasn't sure what had come over her, but she also wasn't certain that it was a bad thing…
"Well, this is going to be all over school," she finally offered weakly. Her cheeks felt permanently stained red and she hated it, but James was now smiling again. What an idiot! Still being very flustered, she told him so, all the while trying not to giggle at his expression.
James beamed and said cheekily, "Then I'll be thankful you're snogging idiots now, love."
Lily rolled her eyes, sitting back on her heels for a moment to regain her composure. Then, her expression flickered into something more neutral and then concerned realization. "Wait…where's Harry?"
James looked just a little reluctant to provide an explanation, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. Lily was now throwing him a horrified look, as if he had actually lost their child in Diagon Alley or something, so he lifted his hands to ward off a telling-off and smiled brightly. "He's fine! He's just…well, Sirius is babysitting him…"
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James, had in fact been very cognizant of leaving Harry behind with Sirius. But something in him had told him that he needed to find Lily on his own. While Harry hadn't supplied any misgivings towards the conflict his parents were experiencing, James was pretty sure that it was just Harry's emotional reticence that prevented him from expressing his feelings over it. If he and Lily were going to really duke it out, Harry didn't need to be there.
So he quickly asked Sirius to keep an eye on Harry and not take him where he could be seen by anyone, including Moony and Wormtail, before winking bravely at his future son and turning out of the room.
Harry frowned and stepped towards the door, clearly intending to go after him before Sirius stepped in his way. "What's the rush, Jamie Jr.? Have a seat for a minute."
Harry tried to walk around him and was again flouted. "I just want to see if she's alright!" he said, glaring at James' smirking best mate.
"You leave that to the adults, firstie." Sirius waved Harry away from the door. "Something tells me the two of them need a date night away from the kid."
Harry looked practically surly as he complied with Sirius' command, but that didn't deter the older Gryffindor, who swept Harry into the nearest chair and knelt in front of him, favoring him with another look-over that made Harry want to squirm.
"What?" Harry said.
"Nothin' really. You just really, really look like James." Sirius stood in front of him before settling half on the desk behind him, crossing his arms. "To be honest, that's one of the main reasons I could possibly buy any of this. That and Evans being so damn convinced…"
Harry didn't say anything to this. He had heard it all before and he found Sirius' presence to be slightly uncomfortable. Though affable, the handsome boy had a far too intense gaze that made you feel like he could almost see your every thought. But Sirius didn't seem to be bothered by the resolute silence his companion was emanating.
"But you know, I feel like I can relate to you a bit," he went on. "I mean, you say that you are an orphan, and my mum just kicked me clear out of her house this summer. But she was never my family anyway…" there was a flash of bitterness in his eyes. "None of them are. I've always been an orphan, really. Just like you." He grinned, and the bitterness disappeared back down to wherever it had come from. "I'm the only Black to be sorted into Gryffindor. And I was thrilled about it, little bloke! The family, not so much."
Harry couldn't help but feel his curiosity get piqued. He didn't know what would have happened to Sirius in his time, but this boy was so close to James now, and that was what counted. He couldn't imagine disliking your family if you had one, especially since Sirius seemed so easy-going.
"What's your family like?" he asked grudgingly.
"The bloody worst. You know those guys we fought with this morning? The whole lot of them are just like that." Sirius leaned in to Harry seriously and paused for a long moment. "I'll tell you something I never told anybody before. When I got into Gryffindor, I didn't write to my mother and tell her because I was a bit scared. I told my friends that it was because I didn't care what she thought…but that wasn't completely it. And of course, she found out anyway from my cousins. And then I got the Howler…"
Harry didn't know what a howler was, but he didn't want to interrupt the story. Sirius shuddered at the memory.
"That was when I knew; I was never really a part of them. There was something about me that was so different that I could never be one of them. My parents thought I was some freak cursed on their family just because I didn't care about my blood and I thought that it didn't make you any less of a witch or wizard."
Harry remembered his Aunt Petunia calling him a 'freak' not so long ago because he wasn't a Muggle.
Sirius' voice wasn't mocking or light or joking anymore. He was staring quite intently at the bespectacled boy in front of him. "I can't change what I was stuck with. And if it weren't for my friends, I probably wouldn't have survived all this time. But maybe your life can change, little bloke. I've know James and Lilykins for a long time, and honestly…" Sirius gave him a sad, genuine smile. "They'll be brilliant to you."
It was the best dream that Harry could possibly ask for. It was a way out of a childhood where he was misunderstood and treated like he was less than Dudley and not even knowing why he was treated like that for years.
"They already just stepped into the arguing mum-and-dad thing and you don't even exist yet. Just imagine how things could change when the time comes."
Sirius spoke and Harry's life felt like the sunrise. He wanted to imagine a life where his dad taught him to fly on a broom and laughed when his mum yelled at him because he didn't keep his room clean (and not a cupboard under the stairs). He wanted to get the letter from Hogwarts one morning over the breakfast table with his mum reading the list of required school items over his shoulder. He wanted to write to his parents from school and receive long letters back that he would pretend he didn't want to read…but he really did because he knew it meant that he was loved.
The problem was that Harry didn't know how to imagine something like that.
A/N: Finally, a first kiss for our favorite parents! And more little Harry angst! Review, if so inclined!
