May twenty-ninth. Sunday.
Last night was unlike anything I've ever experienced. In good ways. In bad ways. In... confusing ways.
It started off like one would expect these things to start. I took a shower, I got dressed, was glad that I decided to wear a regular tie instead of a bow tie, got the corsage out of the fridge (I figured if I was doing it, I was doing it all the way. Besides, I wanted to surprise Dawn), and went out to the car.
I don't know how people can afford limos. Mom hasn't cut off my money, she's still paying the bills, sending the checks, but I'm saving anything that doesn't involve buying food, gas, or packing supplies. I'm going to have to get a job up there, that's not a big deal, but I've got a few thousand dollars saved up from Mom's offerings over the years. The least I can do is use it toward something worthwhile.
Oh, except for the new suit. That cost a pretty penny, but considering what I had? It was a good investment.
I drove over to Dawn's house and rang the doorbell. Carol opened the door.
Oh, look at you in your suit! she exclaimed. And you have a corsage, that's so cute!
Uh... thanks?
She laughed. Sorry, sorry. I've been the annoying stepmother of nostalgia these past couple of days. And this just topped it off. Even though my date was shorter than you and blonde, and, well, we didn't exactly make it to the dance if you know what I mean.
I laughed too. A little uncomfortably. Is Dawn ready?
She was the last time I checked, but I don't really know. Jeff's been pestering her for a while now, so if she has little brother guts on her dress, she probably won't be going.
Jail or prom? Hmmm.
Carol and I both laughed, and then Dawn came into the living room.
When Dawn walked into in the living room, it was like I had the wind knocked out of me. I'd be lying if I said I'd never noticed that Dawn was pretty, but there was just something about the dress, or maybe how she had her hair, but I was struck with how beautiful she was.
I actually felt my hands shaking a little bit when I held out the corsage box. This is for you.
She laughed, and that sort of broke the spell. It's gorgeous! Thank you! She opened the box and slid it onto her wrist. Are we ready to go?
Yeah, I guess, I said.
Mr Schafer walked out of the kitchen. Dawn, you look lovely.
Thanks, Dad. She grinned.
And afterward you're going to...
Amalia's.
Right. And you'll be calling me at one thirty to let me know that you're on your way to to Amalia's.
Dad.
All right, then. Two.
DAD.
Two.
She laughed. Okay, okay. I will call you at two. Even if we're out that late. Justin knows what after prom party we're heading off to. But it could be boring.
Mr Schafer gave her a hug. Call me if you need anything, all right?
I promise, she replied.
Then we left.
Sorry about that, Dawn said. I know that if I were older, we'd be able to stay out all night and what not, but since I'm only fifteen, you're stuck taking me over to Amalia's.
It's not a big deal, I said. If I wanted to take someone older, I would have taken someone older. And you know it.
I drove us to the hotel, and we went inside. I could hear the sounds of a band already playing. One of the event rooms was just for us, and it was decorated... well, sort of cheesily. And tacky.
Dawn grabbed my arm. Don't tell me the theme of this prom is Under the Sea.
How much you want to bet that it wasn't Kevin's fault?
She giggled.
DAWN! DAWN, DAWN, DAWN!
We both spun around. Amalia was running the best she could in heels over to us. I was sort of waiting for you guys, she said. We wouldn't be totally a group until you got here. She jabbed her thumb behind her. Ducky, Kevin, and Macon were walking over to us, a bit slower.
We all greeted each other, and the girls ooh'd over each other's dresses. Guys have the most boring formal wear ever. We all basically looked the same.
We danced a little, ate some food, and drank some punch before it was spiked. Well, normal people did. Dawn had soda water.
I can't believe we spent as long as we did at a dance. I've never spent more than half an hour at a dance before in my life. Obviously, I danced with Dawn the most. But I also danced with Amalia, nearly half of the girls there, and I finally got a dance with Lila Vane, whom I think we can all recall those lust filled eighth grade journal entries. She confessed having a crush on me a year after I got over her. Damn!
Not that it really mattered. I was honestly having the best time with the girl I came with.
I truly am the man with the worst timing EVER when it comes to my romantic life. Will there ever be a time everything falls into place? Not that things didn't fall into place in one way or another tonight, but... it's so hard to even explain.
Okay! Justin, come here! Amalia grabbed my arm and dragged me over to where she was standing with the rest of our group.
All right, she said. We're doing official partner swap for the next dance.
It's not like we've all be dancing exclusively with our dates, Ducky said.
It's a slow one. We've been dancing slow ones exclusively. I want to dance with someone who won't step on my feet.
I didn't step on your feet, Macon said.
You tried. She gave him a little shove and took Kevin's arm. Shuffle me around the floor?
You bet! he said, winking.
Macon looked at me. Sorry, man. I'm dancing with the girl.
Dawn laughed. Come on, Macon let's show 'em how it's done.
They went out onto the dance floor. Ducky and I looked at each other sort of awkwardly for a moment. Then I stuck out my hand. May I have this dance?
Ducky looked at the floor, smiling. Then he looked up at me. Yeah.
We went to right about the middle of the floor. There was this weird moment where neither of really knew what do with our hands. Finally we settled on a standard waist-and-shoulders setting. So this isn't weird, I said. Not really.
He shook his head. No, not really.
We, uh, we just-
I don't want to talk about us. Ducky averted my eyes for a moment, and then met them again.
I do, I replied. Because... you really made a good pick with Kevin. And I'm really happy for you.
Thanks. I... probably wouldn't be so functional in my relationship with him. Which didn't really start off that functional, but, uh, if it wasn't for... trial run? That's not what I want to say.
I get it, I said. Well, I can deal with being the reason you can cope with true love.
He blushed. Yeah, well, uh, at first the whole gay thing was scary. And now it's... it's sort of fun.
I know, that's why I'm moving to San Fransisco. So I can spend all my time in the fun gay community.
What about Dawn?
What about Dawn?
These two phrases were said in completely different tones.
Oh, I... we all thought you were together. Or something, he said.
Well, it's... we?
Ducky waved his hand that was on my shoulder around the room. Everyone. Our friends. People in the GSA. We've been gossiping being your backs about it for like two months.
Oh. I dropped my head for a second, then I raised it again. With a sort of knowing laugh, I said, Whatever it is Dawn and I have, it's... exceedingly complicated.
Either you're together or not.
In those black and white categories, no, we're not together. And it would be pointless for us to be together since I'm leaving in June.
But you'll be back, right? Christmas? Vacations?
I shook my head slowly. Probably not. Things ended badly with my mom, and I've got family up north who actually want me around. That's why I picked the school up there. All of the schools I applied to were up there.
And...?
Maybe I'm not comfortable talking about this right now.
Ducky sort of cuffed my chin with a finger. Believe it or not, I still care. Even I said some horrible things to you five months ago that I may or may not have meant.
Whatever. I laughed. You don't say anything you don't mean. You just don't say what you mean most of the time.
He looked a little sheepish. I do say things I don't mean. All the time, but, yeah, I don't usually say what I what I mean, but this time I am. So listen. You leave, and it's going to suck. Dawn will still be here. It would make things a lot easier on me, free up my schedule, if you dug through the exceedingly complicated.
I get it. I can't believe I'm getting girl advice from you.
He laughed. The song was over. Ducky and I hugged.
Thanks for the dance, he said. He walked back to Kevin.
Dawn took my arm. Have fun?
Yeah. You?
It was okay.
What did you and Macon talk about?
We talked about what you and Ducky could possibly be talking about.
He was giving me some very good advice about women.
Dawn laughed like I was joking. We stood together like a group for a while, just talking and a girl with a camera came up. Kevin greeted her, so I guess she was from student activities.
You guys have been together all night. I have to get a photo of you for the yearbook, she said.
So we all got in together and she took a picture.
See? That's what we get for being young and attractive, Kevin said. People want to take your picture.
There you are!
I turned around. It was Bruce and Patti.
We totally just got here, Patti said, giving me a quick hug. I realize it's after ten. Rico slave driver is officially the only member left of Vanish. We revolted.
What? Amalia came up next to me.
Oh yeah. He was trying to lock us in his garage, Bruce said. It's prom night, and he was just mad because he didn't have a date. I guess. Maybe he had a date, but she had herpes, I don't know. But finally, Patti threw her drumsticks at him, told him off, and we left.
Maggie revolted too? I asked.
Bruce gave me a funny look. You mean you didn't hear? Maggie had only been showing up when she wanted to, really spotty. So two days ago, after school Rico went over to her house, got all in her face, and she called the cops on him for harassment. Now, I heard that when the police were dragging him into the car, he called her a psychotic bitch and that she'd never work in the music business again.
I think we should send Rico to a psych hospital, Patti said.
He's stressed and a freak show, Amalia agreed. Maybe he should go join James' band.
That's what I suggested, Bruce replied.
Another hour later, the dance was winding down, so we started off toward, what was promised to be, the best after prom party.
I don't want to go to Derek Thompson's house, Dawn said. The last time I talked to him, he basically threatened me. I-
Wait, what? When?
After the fight with Mary Anne. Back in, what was it? February?
Why didn't you tell me?
She shrugged. Christian came and rescued me. It wasn't a big deal. It's easy to avoid Derek at school.
I felt stunned. I shouldn't have felt stunned. Sure, she told Christian. He was her boyfriend at the time. Why wouldn't she have told him?
I don't mind, Dawn was saying.
Don't mind what? I asked.
Going to his party. You'll be there to protect me, and Mary Anne won't be there, so who cares, right?
Right, I replied.
She put her hand on my arm. You okay?
Fine. You okay?
Great. Let's go.
The party was PACKED. I don't think I realized how many people went to Vista until just two years (and a few extras) were packed into one, slightly larger than average house.
When it comes time for someone in my grade to host a party, we're going to have it at Maggie's, Dawn said.
Hear, hear! Amalia replied.
We had only been at the party for maybe twenty minutes when Dawn grabbed my hand.
I'm ready to go, she said.
Why? We just got here.
She looked at me with huge eyes. You know who is here.
Who?
You know!
I do? How should I- not Mary Anne?
Yes, Mary Anne! Dawn tugged on my sleeve. Can we just go now? I realize that it's early, but I don't want to cause a scene.
Let me tell Amalia.
Thanks, Justin.
Dawn hung out by the door while I found Amalia.
Hey, we're gonna go. Mary Anne is here, I said.
We can go ahead and leave too, Amalia said.
No, don't worry about it. Stay and have fun. We'll be back at my house. Just call whenever you get in, and I'll bring Dawn over. Okay?
She nodded. Okay, then. I'll see you guys later, then.
I went to the door, took Dawn by the elbow, and the two of us walk outside.
Oh, god. If I had to face Mary Anne in there, I would have just died. Dawn ran her hands though her hair. Am I totally avoidant because I wouldn't face her?
No, you didn't want to cause a scene. Besides, you're going to be spending your summer with her. This is prom. You shouldn't have to spend it around people you don't want to be around.
And spend it with the people I do want to be around?
Exactly.
I drove over to that diner by my house. I hadn't been there since I took Maggie there... that seemed like years ago. Back before Ducky and I broke up.
My senior year has been split into two sections. Ducky and Dawn. One isn't better than the other, just different. If it feels that way now, the split year, it probably will forever.
Okay, so we got some weird looks, showing up at the 24 hour, greasy diner in our prom clothes. Dawn giggled and I had to laugh. I got a chicken sandwich. Dawn got a salad. She ate some of my fries.
She reached her hand across the table and put it on top of mine. I've known you for almost two years. And only really known you for about five months, so I don't know what the peak of your high school experience was, but I've still got three more years to go, and I don't know what's going to top this.
I'm sure you'll have something, I said. The dance was fun, but the party got sort of ruined.
Oh, god, yeah. I'm just SO glad that I didn't have to face her. I can't believe she was there.
You probably could have had your back to her all night and she'd never know it was you. Did you even tell your mom about your haircut?
Dawn paused. No, I didn't. Jeff might have, if he wasn't totally self involved, so chances are, she has no idea.
He's an eleven year old boy. Of course he's self involved.
Besides, Mary Anne is so self involved she wouldn't have heard even if Mom DID say something.
I realized that Dawn's hand is still on mine. I flipped my hand over, so it's palm up. I grasped her hand and gave it a squeeze.
She gave me a strange look. Not a bad look, but something I can't read. As she stares at me, I figured it out. If there wasn't a table and half a greasy chicken sandwich between us, she would probably be kissing me right now.
We need to go, I said.
She nodded.
I paid the bill and we walked out to the car. Before we parted ways to go to our respective sides of the car, Dawn held hard onto my hand, pulled me to her and kissed me.
I've never been kissed by a girl.
Well, I mean, like the girl being the forward one, to make that first big kiss. It's always been me to make that move. Maybe Dawn was bold were I wasn't, but it was nice. It was better than nice.
We stopped kissing and looked at each other.
I should probably take you home, I said.
Her shoulders dropped. WHAT?
I don't want to make a mistake, and if we go back to my big, empty house, we'll make a mistake. I don't doubt it for a second.
Dawn didn't react at first. Then she nodded. You're probably right.
I drove Dawn back to her house.
I'll call Amalia when I get home, I said.
Oh, yeah. Amalia. Dawn smiled a little nervously. So, should I be kissing you, or something?
You're getting insecure now?
She laughed. I guess so.
I leaned down and kissed her cheek. You know that this timing is horrible and we're not going anywhere, right?
I felt her nod against my cheek.
There's not any reason for us to start something, just for it to be over.
She nodded again.
We were quiet for a long while. Then Dawn asked me something really weird.
What did you say to Maggie?
Maggie? I repeated.
Yeah. She said that you told her something that gave her the idea that you liked me. Like... that. Like this.
My mind went back to the last time I talked to Maggie. Her in the car (the car we were in right at that moment), and... did I say Dawn's name? Is that even possible? No wonder she was so offended. She might have understood, even in her drunken state if I'd had said Ducky's name, but Dawn must have just come out of left field.
I don't know, I lied.
I certainly couldn't tell Dawn what had happened. Since I would have the explain the whole situation. Not only did I not want to go into that, especially not when we were having such a nice moment, but I sort of figured that Maggie wouldn't want me to tell anyone about it either.
Dawn shrugged. Oh well. So, what now?
I guess you get out of the car, and we call each other tomorrow, I said.
That seems anti-climatic.
Yeah, kinda.
She smiled and leaned toward me. She put her hands on either side of my face and kissed me. We kissed for, I don't know how long, when something in my pants began to vibrate.
We both jumped.
What is that? Dawn asked.
My cell phone! I said, reaching into my pocket.
Oh, god, I thought, hell, it vibrates, I'm coming with you to college.
I started laughing, and I had to wait until I had calmed down enough to answer. Finally, gasping a breath, I flipped open the phone. It was Amalia.
Hello?
Hey, Justin, we're getting ready to leave, she said.
What time is it? I asked.
Were you asleep or something? It's almost two in the morning. You said to call, right?
Right! Yeah, I'll bring Dawn right over.
You weren't asleep. What were you two doing?
Nothing! I don't think I convinced her, because she started laughing at me. Dawn started laughing at me too. I wonder what the look on my face was, because she was pointing at me.
Right, right. Byyyye.
I closed the phone. I guess you're going back over to Amalia's.
Dawn nodded. Okay, then.
And then you can gossip because I think she wants details.
I don't kiss and tell.
I drove over to Amalia's. Before Dawn got out, she took a hold of my wrist in a gentle way that sent chills up me.
I know it's supposed to be nothing, but I'm still here for another two weeks. Just something to think about, okay?
Night, Dawn, I said.
She smiled. Night, Justin.
She got her overnight bag out of the back seat and went in. Amalia was waiting by the door.
I don't know what this is bringing, probably nothing but heartache, but I don't know. Maybe it's worth it. Maybe it's not. Sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn something in this life.
Getting involved with Dawn, especially for just two weeks, is probably a mistake. It's probably just going to hurt both of us in ways we don't want to get hurt.
I don't like going into a situation knowing it's going to be a mistake. That's why I didn't take Dawn back to my house. I know that I can't avoid Dawn until she leaves, I wouldn't even want to. I don't think, though, that we can go back.
