Chapter Forty-Two: Ducky

June 9th
Ducky Figures it Out

This school year has been a long road. There's still another three days left (who says June is when summer starts when school doesn't let out until the 14th), but it's over enough for you to reflect.

Life moves on. Times change, people change. Things don't always go as you planned them. Sometimes they turn out for the better. Sometimes they turn out for the worst. Sometimes your biggest fears turn out to be the greatest thing that ever happened to you. Sometimes being afraid makes you shut people out. But when it's the right people, being afraid brings you closer.

You have learned. Keep you friends close. And then, you hold them closer. Because you can't keep losing them like this.

This summer promises to be something great, with or without. You've changed, adapated. Instead of being afraid of who you are, you're actually EMBRACING who you are. It's amazing. It feels great.

Somethings aren't so great.

Today you went and saw Maggie after the GSA meeting. No one had really seen Maggie all year. It goes back to people changing. Groups of friends drift apart, and it's hard to believe that you really won't be friends forever. But you weren't willing to let a bridge burn just because there was a detour.

Wow, that was a terrible metaphor.

Anyway, you went over to her house. Despite having been there a hundred times during sophomore year and all of the summer before, you feel a little uncomfortable. Did the house get bigger? It's possible Or maybe you just got smaller. Maybe it just seems a lot more daunting.

You ring the doorbell and the housekeeper answers

"I'm looking for Maggie," you say.

"Come on in," she replies. "Maggie!"

You wonder how someone can hear someone else shout in that giant house. Then you realize that Maggie was one room away in the kitchen.

She looks even thinner than the last time you really saw her, sat down and talked to her. But she's always wearing black. She's even dyed her hair black (a new development), but it makes her look odd and pale. She's wearing those weird glasses again.

"Hi, Ducky," she says.

"Hey."

"What's going on?"

"I just wanted to see how you're doing. I've missed you."

Maggie's eyes fill with tears. Right away you see that this isn't going to be a regular visit. No cheery trading of stories over a piece of chocolate cake (even though you don't think you've EVER seen Maggie eat chocolate cake). Maggie takes you up into her room. She sits on the bed and you sit on her desk chair. For a long time, neither of you say anything.

"I did something really bad," she says. "Well, I've done a lot of bad things. In fact, I keep doing bad things. I've been doing them all year."

"What is it?"

You actually, for a second, think about Sunny. You think about her saying that you judged her, that you can't accept how people cope. You hold your breath for a moment. You hope that, whatever it is, you don't make Maggie feel that way.

"Ducky, I don't know if I can tell you. No one knows. Just my family. I mean, if it got out, it would be on every tabloid in America and Dad's credibility would go out the window. As much as you know I hate living here, living this lifestyle, I'm accustomed to it. And I wouldn't want to be the one to force my family to totally fall off the face of the Earth as Hayden Blume goes to manage a mini mart." She reachs over and clasps my hands. "No one, NO ONE can ever know. No one. Not Kevin, or Sunny, especially not Sunny, or Dawn or anyone. This is just between you and me. Mafia sense of secrecy, here."

"Okay," you say. "Should I sign a contract?"

She smiles for a moment, then goes back to her panic face. "No, I trust you, I just... wanted to stress the importance of discretion."

"I've got it."

"Okay... so, you know when... when Tyler dumped me, right? Back in February?"

You nod. It was a tabloid affair. You found it hard to believe that Tyler had changed so much, but if he left Maggie, he obviously had.

"After that, I got a little stupid. Not academically. I'm still a 4.0, but, uh, did some dumb things. Like..."

She pauses for so long, you prompt, "Like?"

"Like getting drunk at a party where I didn't know anyone, called Justin, and when he gave me a lift home, I forced a blowjob on him?" It wasn't really a question, but the way she said it made it sound like one.

"Oh. Yikes."

"Yeah. And it sort of got worse from there. I was hanging out with all those junior guys, and... I would get sort of wasted. Pot, mostly. I started using a lot..."

"Oh, Maggie. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was so busy before, with everything, and I just... got all distracted, and I pushed everyone away, because I wasn't eating again, I was so stressed and I didn't want anyone to bother me about it. I was being stupid and selfish." She starts crying for real. You move over to the bed next to her and hold her.

After a few more minutes, she takes a couple of big, gulping breaths. "There's more."

You don't say anything. You nod.

"In April I found out I was pregnant."

You gasp. You can't help it. "What?"

She nods. "I know. Tyler started coming around, and he just wanted to talk. You know, wanted to talk? I was so stupid, and half stoned, and we got stoned together, and we had sex. Like, five times. Later I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. So, I went to Dad, and I told him I needed money for an abortion."

"Maggie," you say, holding her tighter.

"He just handed over the money and told me to use a fake name. He was still so much more concerned with his stupid career. He didn't care that his daughter, who had been fifteen for less than a month, was pregnant."

You've never been a big fan of Mr. Blume, and the way you wanted to go slug Mr. Winslow for not knowing where Sunny was for two weeks when she was just in her room, you wanted to do the same thing to Mr. Blume. Except you thought that it might be possible for you to be unable to stop. Mr. W doesn't have an excuse for being a crappy father, but at least you can somewhat, somewhere in the back of your mind, understand why he was afraid. He was afraid of being a dad alone and Sunny never told him a thing.

Mr. Blume knew exactly what was going on and he was heartless.

"So I did it," Maggie continues, "I went and I had it done. After that, I just wanted to die. I stopped eating altogether. I was practically wasting away, and... I don't know what brought me back. Desperation. A sudden weird idea that I'd just be proving everyone right by rolling over. And, well, even when I was horribly depressed, I still kept up my grades. Dying wasn't going to stop me from getting an A."

You smile. That sounds just like her. "What did you do?" you ask.

"I checked myself back in with Dr. Fuentes. She helped me so much before, that I knew she could help me again. I've been on antidepressants, but pill popping isn't unusal in this house. But I still just can't get over it. I don't care what anyone says, I feel like a murderer."

She starts to cry again and you hold her.

"Maggie," you say, "it happened once. Things got out of control, and you're young. That's why the option is there. It's not like you've had a dozen of them and you're fifteen."

She nods. "That's pretty much was Dr. Fuentes said. I think the worst part is that... I didn't really have the abortion because I thought it was the best thing. I think it's wrong, I could have put the baby up for adoption or something. I did it for no other reason than to save Dad's career. I could have killed it in a second if the press knew I had been pregnant. I hate him so much. Any sort of relationship we could have had is gone. I don't think I can forgive him. And, and, I'm not blaming him for why I was pregnant, don't think I am, but... now, even after I solved the problem, he just looks at me like I'm nothing. I should have killed him instead."

"Maggie, it-"

"Let's just talk about something good," she says.

You stay with her for another hour. You tell her about prom (well, not all the details), you talk about Kevin, you go on about the non-drama at work. You don't mention Sunny at all.

Maggie says you can go. That you don't have to spend all day with her. You say it's all right, but she insists.

"We should do something this summer," you say.

"Good, wholesome entertainment?" she asks, smiling slightly. This weird, disconnected sort of smile.

"Whatever you want."

"I'd love that. Sign me up, Ducky." She gives you a hug.

You go home. You do some homework. You finish your homework. You start digging around for the book Dawn lent you like six months ago. You go fishing under your bed, to only find an old copy of Playboy that Ted had stashed under there probably four years ago. You check the date. Yup, four years ago.

You look at the cover and think that the model should put on some clothes. You toss it up onto your desk. You'd give it back to Ted later. He's probably been looking for it. You realize that it just might be time to clean underneath your bed.

You never do find the book. So you grab a magazine (Not the Playboy) and stretch out on your bed. You're reading for maybe five minutes when there's a knock at the door. You assume it's Ted, since he's home, so you shout, "What?"

"It's me."

It's not Ted, it's Kevin. You jump up and open the door. You lean down and give him a quick kiss.

"What's up?"

"Nothing," he says. "I just wanted to see you. I should have called."

"It's okay. I wasn't doing anything."

Kevin walks into your room and spots the Playboy. He picks it up. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"You caught me. What can I say?" You smile. "It's Ted's."

"I sort of thought so." He smiles and gets this look in his eye. You've only seen that look once, at the party after prom. Right before he practically jumped you. This time, you brace yourself.

Instead of that, though, Kevin sits on your bed. "Can we talk?"

The tone of his voice is weird, but considering he just gave you that look, you have the feeling this isn't a "it's not you, it's me" sort of conversation about to happen.

"Sure." You sit down next to him.

"Okay, I just, uh, wanted to say again that prom night was... spectaluar. I mean, I've never... ever had... not like that."

"We didn't really do anything besides kissing."

"But it was really good. You really are the best kisser. And, uh, I sort of have a confession."

"Confession?"

He nods. "I've sort of been making it out like... like the only reason I want to take it slow is for your benefit. And not just to you. I wanted to tell you about me. My past."

"You don't have to," you say. "It's okay."

"I want to. I want to make sure you know that when it reaches a point where I might just not be ready to go onto the next step, you know why."

"Okay..." You take his hand.

"Before I moved her, back when I was a freshman, I fell for this guy. I fell hard and bad. I pretty much would have done anything for him. And I pretty much did. It only lasted like six months, and... I, uh, haven't had anyone since. Or before, he's the only one. But I haven't even really dated since. And so far we're been together more or less for almost three months and we've just kissed. And I like that. I want fire and I want passion, but I don't want it so hot and so fast that it burns out."

You nod. "I totally understand. It was... sort of like that. Kind of. Before."

You're not making much sense but Kevin understands. He squeezes your hand. "I want this to last. Even if it just lasts through the summer or until we graduate next year." He pauses.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel right now, it might scare you off. Or even scare me off. I fall hard, I really do, I can't help it. But I'm doing everything in my power to keep you."

You give him a hug. "I'm not going anywhere. Not right now."

The two of you kiss. And then again. And again. You've got your back against the wall, and Kevin straddles you and you kiss. It's still just kissing, but it's the best kissing you've ever had. He has his hands on your neck, your hands are on his waist.

There's another knock on the door. Kevin sits up straight.

"What?" you say.

Ted opens the door. "It's- Oh, gross. Christopher. Mom's on the phone." He throws the phone at you.

You grab it and put it to your ear. "Hey, Mom."

"Hi, Christopher. Hope I wasn't bothering you."

"Nope, just making out with my boyfriend."

Kevin starts giggling and even Mom laughs. But for totally different reasons. Mom chats in your ear while you take a particular interest in the skin on Kevin's back, slidng your hand up under his shirt. Not far. Just a new place you haven't yet touched.

He smiles, but then mouths, I'm gonna go. He points to the door.

No, you mouth back, but he's already climbing off of you.

"Mom, hang on a sec," you say, interuppting her. "Don't go."

Kevin smiles. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay, baby?"

"Okay." You kiss him. "See you, Kevin." He leaves and you put the phone back up to your ear. "I'm back."

"You weren't kidding," Mom says. "You have a boyfriend."

"Yes, I do. His name is Kevin. You would like him." You don't really know if she would or not, but you say it anyway. Maybe it will make her feel better. You can hear Dad saying something in the background. You can guess from his tone that he probably wouldn't like Kevin.

Great.

"I'm going to put Ted back on," you say. You take the phone back out to the living room.

You go back to your magazine.

June 11th

Today you escorted Dawn, Carol, and Gracie to Justin's graduation. You weren't planning on going, but when Dawn shows up at your house in a skirt and heels, you really can't say no.

"I just thought I'd ask," she says. "You don't have to come."

"I'll come. Keep you company. Let me just, uh... change."

"You look fine," Dawn says. "Really, Ducky, you always look fantastic."

So you get into the back of Carol's car next to the car seat. You tickle Gracie's feet and she laughs at you.

You arrive at the school. It's a cool outdoor ceremony. The ceremony itself is sort of boding. Susan Jones, valedvictorian, speaks, and then all the grads come up and get their diplomas. You all cheer when people you know go up.

After the ceremony, you and Dawn go meet Justin out by his car. Dawn has flowers.

"You shouldn't have, really," Justin says. He's holding his hat in one hand, taking the flowers with another. "I should be getting YOU flowers."

"For what?" she asks. She plays with the tassel on his hat.

"I don't know, it's just a guy thing. Girls get flowers."

"That is so sexist."

"Oh, yeah, you know me. That giant sexist."

She laughs.

Finally, your presense is noticed. Justin gives you one of those guy "shake your hand and turn it into a hug" things.

"Why'd she drag you along?" he asks.

"Company. Amuse the baby. Get me out of the house. I'm pretty much work, school, and sleep guy right now," you say.

"What about Kevin?" Dawn asks.

"Oh, right. Work, school, sleep, make out with my boyfriend. I'm usually pretty booked."

They both laugh.

Carol comes over, Gracie in her arms. You take Gracie without a thought.

"So what are you doing now?" Carol asks. She's looking at Dawn. Dawn looks at Justin.

"Well," Justin says, "there's parties and what not. I was hoping Dawn would come with me."

"I don't see why not."

"Mr. Schafer killing me in my sleep is a reason why not."

Carol laughs. "Go have fun. Both of you. Be safe, okay? Condoms all around."

"Carol!" Dawn says. She's half exasperated, half laughing.

"What?"

"Nothing like that is happening. And if were, you'd probably be the first to know. He's really a gentleman. Sometimes to the point of annoyance. Nothing is happening. Nothing you wouldn't do, anyway."

"I'm married."

"Nothing you wouldn't do when you were fifteen."

"That means... absolutely nothing. Promise me more."

Dawn laughs. "Nothing is happening."

"I believe you. Go have fun."

"Thanks!" Dawn gets into Justin's car. They wave at you and Carol as Justin drives off.

"Come on," Carol says, "I'll give you a lift home."

"Oh, it's okay. I can walk," you say.

"Come on," she says again. You relent and walk out to the car with her. She puts Gracie in the car seat and you sit up front.

"So how are you?" Carol asks as she pulls into traffic.

"Okay, I guess," you reply.

"How's your new boyfriend? I don't know his name, I just get my details from Dawn."

"Kevin. He's great."

"And things aren't awkward? With Justin and Dawn doing their weird sort of dating thing? I don't really know what's going on there."

"I don't know what it is either, but it's not weird. I started seeing Kevin first. It'd be hypocritical of me to disapprove. Kevin sort of made a point to not officially ask me out until he was certain that I was over Justin. It just happens that Justin and I have the same friends and are friends too. But it works out okay."

She smiles. "Good. How's Sunny? I haven't seen her in ages."

"Oh, uh, me either. We sort of had a fight. And she's holding a grudge. Well, so am I."

"A fight? What kind of fight?"

"One that involves lots of screaming and yelling. Mostly from me."

"I have a hard time seeing you screaming," Carol says. The drive from the school is short and she's already pulling into your driveway. "Why don't you just give her a call? I'm sure she misses you."

"Maybe."

"Things have been hard for her."

"She uses everything that's been hard for her as an excuse to do whatever she wants," you say.

"And that's why she needs good friends. To tell her that something is stupid, so she'll think twice."

"She didn't tell me anything. She kept her whole affair a secret. I had no idea until it was over. I found out right along with everyone else." You shrug. "She just expects everyone to give, give, give without returning the favor. It's not a friendship, it's a job."

Carol nods. "Sometimes being a friend is a job. Sometimes it's hard to keep loving someone, and sometimes it is work. But hard work is always worth it. You know, when it's your job, you always get something in return."

"Sunny expects donations."

"I guess I can't convince you. Just try and give her a call before she's gone, okay, Ducky?"

You haven't ever really been that close to Dawn's stepmother, but Sunny has. And Dawn likes her okay, so talking it out with Carol seems weird. But it also feels okay.

You say good-bye and get out of the car.

Then you walk around to the driver's side. Carol's window is down and you rest your hands on the door.

"Yeah?" she looks up at you.

"Not being friends with Sunny... it feels like there's a big weight taken off of me. I feel like I'm free or something. Does that make me a horrible person?"

"No, it just makes you human," Carol replies. She pats your hand. "Come by sometime before Dawn and Jeff leave for the summer. We'd love to have you."

You thank her.

You go inside and give Kevin a call. Just to see what's going on. School's almost over. It's time to start making plans. It's going to be good. It has to be.