Ode to Erik

Erik's Modern Adventure

(Part One)

"Dear readers gather around, I am going to tell you a tale that will make you gasp in shock and recoil in total disbelief. I know some of you will struggle to comprehend what I am telling you, but you must believe what I say. I am a noble suit of armour, metal of my word and I do not lie!

This tale is both treacherous and fantastical to say the least, but it happened!

Yes my friends…it happened to me…your dear old Erik!

I shall begin as all good stories do…from the very beginning. Skimp on detail I shall not, you shall know all the gory details as vivid as the day they happened as this is by far the most exciting thing that has happened to poor old Erik in the last two hundred years!"

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"It was a normal day in the Shadow Gallery, nothing spectacular at all.

Venus was babbling incoherently with the hissing head thing about the merits of granite versus stone. The other various females in the gallery were doing what they do best; cat calling and sniping at Evey. The Wurlitzer was playing a dull song that no one was listening to.

Overall, a day pretty much the same as any other day.

I had spent most of my time drifting aimlessly in and out of a most delightful sleep and an even more delicious dream. I was very comfortable and the atmosphere was just so temperate that I could not help but doze off every now and again, I am very old so I can be forgiven the occasional snooze!

Evey had been sat quietly in the television room, curled up reading some dusty old tome about Thomas Aquinas she had ferreted from a hidden cupboard and sipping on a cup of tea. She was just minding her own business and looking as perfect and innocent as usual.

The harlequin had disappeared earlier that morning in rather a hurry, announcing that he had a special jaunt to carry out and that he would not be back for a day or two. (What he does that involves staying away for so long I'll never know!) In a swirl of his cloak and a tip of his hat, the fool dashed out of the door….tripping over his feet as he went.

But no sooner had he closed the door, did Evey give a shifty look about then jump up from the couch like a crazed jack-in-a-box; discarding her book in a most undignified manor onto the floor! She sprinted away into her room for a few moments, clattering about wildly and creating quite a commotion. When she finally returned, she was carrying a large cardboard box. I was most perplexed, a little confused even. What did she want with that box? And a big box at that!

To my surprise (and momentary delight) she came and placed the boxes next to me. Most excited I was, just to be near this wonderful little creature! I thought she might be playing some new game she had invented, or maybe she would polish me again! The possibilities were endless and most wonderful!

She stalked about me for a moment, possibly about to begin our game, maybe deciding where to begin polishing first.

But no.

The look in her eyes was demonic and what she did next took my breath away. It was incomprehensible. I couldn't believe what was happening! It was the last thing I expected!

Needless to say, my joy was short lived. Most definitely not a treat of any sort.

I deduced this when in a very rushed manor and much to my dismay, she began to dismantle me! To my horror, she was taking me apart bit by bit! Just tugging at me, pulling me in every direction, trying to loosen my various parts! We suits of armour are delicate things; we need love and a tender touch, not some demented girl tearing at us in a fit of delirium!

What are you doing woman? Haven't you had enough of destroying me yet? Do you know how long I take to put back together?I yelled with no success what so ever.

I thought maybe she was going to move me? Maybe she had had enough of seeing me in the same old spot, so she had decided to shift me to somewhere more acceptable. Or maybe she was having a momentary fit of madness, for which the cure was my destruction then immediate rebuilding. That I was prepared to forgive…but the next acts I am not.

Rather crudely and with no concern for my feelings or emotions, she tore off my helmet…into the box. She chucked my greaves…into the box. My breastplates followed suit…into the box. My gauntlets flew…into the box. Until every single bolt and bit was in a bloody box. I sustained so many bumps, knocks and bruises it is quite extraordinary! My poor head will never be the same again!

Aside from being extremely uncomfortable (it's not nice to be sat on your hand for long periods of time) I was beginning to grow concerned. This was a most unorthodox fashion in which I ought to be cleaned; so I decided that this was indeed not a top to toe polish…this was something else. Something much worse….

She dusted her little hands down and grinned manically, leaving me in the box most rudely and ran to grab her jacket. She had difficulty in lifting the box at first (as much asI hate to admit it...I am a heavy chap!) She was grunting and breathing profanities to herself; but in the end I think she got the hang of it, because in no time at all, we were trotting over to the front door and i heard the rattle of keys.

It was in this instant, at this moment that the full horror of the situation dawned upon me. It hit me like a ton of bricks to the head. This was no game. No exercise to polish me. Not even a reshuffle of the Shadow Gallery so that things might look different. No this was way beyond any of that.

If I could have criedI thinkI would have shed a tear or two. What was she doing with me? Where was she taking me? What had i done wrong? I've behaved, I've never made a sound or misbehaved! Was she getting rid of me? Getting rid of her dear old Erik? The one that silently adored her so much? What ever my questions were, they were soon to be answered. She was taking me outside.

Erik was going upstairs…"