Chapter 45 - 28 July 2004
It's been a hard few days. Almost harder for me than for Spike - at least he's doing something. All I've been doing is watching. Well, that and helping to calm some of the girls he's brought back. I've even had one or two of them attack me, and it's taken some pretty quick talking to persuade them that I'm not responsible for whatever's happened to them.
We're almost there. Just three more to go, although one of those is Gus' Slayer, Fiona. Each time there's another girl back, he's been there, desperate for it to be her, and each time he's been disappointed. Or relieved. Some of the girls were in a bad way although most of them will be ok - physically at least. Once their initial injuries have been sorted out, they're all being given the opportunity for some counselling. We lost one. She was so injured that she died before we could get her to the hospital and that shook us all up, but it hit Spike harder than anyone else - well, except maybe Giles. Spike was beating himself up for not getting to her quicker. Willow was worried about letting him try again at all after that, but he talked her into it.
Still, since then, he's been fine - and at last, we're almost there.
"I'm ready, Willow. And if we go now, maybe we can finish this - get them all back again." He sounds impatient, but then Willow's been trying to persuade him to leave it another hour or so.
"Maybe," she agrees. "What do you think, Buffy?"
I'm worried. I've been worried from the start, so that's hardly surprising. Although now at least we know it can be done, so the fear's not so bad. And I've got to trust him.
"It's Spike's call. He knows how he's feeling."
He flashes me a smile that says much more than seems reasonable for something so short. It's love and gratitude and a million other things at once. He puts his arms around me and kisses me.
"This is it, Pet. I know it - last time. Once all the Slayers are back, we can have some time to ourselves - maybe get away for a few days. "
"That sounds good," I answer. "Then again, actually spending a whole night in bed sounds good. I must be getting soft."
"You, Love? Never."
But I am getting soft. Loving him brings out a side of me that nothing else ever has.
And then, he's gone. As before, his body is there, his eyes closed, but Spike is gone. This is the hardest part. This is the waiting bit. I hate this feeling of uselessness. I pick up a book I started reading last time, but after a chapter, I throw it down again. I don't think I've taken in the sense of any of it. There are some magazines there too - brought in by Dawn when I complained about waiting. I leaf through a couple, but it all seems so remote from what we're doing here.
I get up and go to the window. It's a beautiful day out there, but the sunlight barely gets into the room at all. Even Moira's flat gets more light than this one since it's on the south side of the building. Then again, I suppose it's ideal for a vampire. I consider sleeping again, but I'm not sleepy. Our life these past few days has been completely taken over by the need to bring the Slayers back, and I've slept whenever Spike has, more or less. Anything like a normal routine sounds unbelievably wonderful just now.
I'm restless, unable to settle anywhere. Spike said that he thinks that time goes differently while he's gone - that he always feels he's been gone less time than he has. Well, that's fine for him, but it leaves me twiddling my thumbs - and I never did get what that's supposed to achieve.
I get that sensation that's come just before each new arrival - almost as though I've heard something - and at last, there's a Slayer. She's terrified, lunging towards me, ready to attack, but I stand ready to defend myself.
"It's ok, you're safe now."
"Safe? I haven't been safe for …"
She looks around, taking in the distinctly unthreatening surroundings.
"Where am I?"
"Glasgow." Her accent's English, I'd guess somewhere around London by the sound of it, somewhere between Giles and Spike.
"Glasgow? But how …? And who's that? He's a …" She's ignored Willow, homing in on Spike. Typical.
"Yes, he's a vamp. But he's just brought you back, and he's looking for the rest of you."
It's a scene that's been repeated with remarkably similar details every time a conscious Slayer has appeared.
"I'm Buffy."
"Buffy? But … she's …"
"I was one of the two Slayers until I shared the power."
"Oh. Er, I'm Jan."
"Are you hurt?"
"A bit. Bruised … a few cuts. I've had to defend myself."
"Ok. Let's get you to hospital, get you checked out."
"I'm fine. I just need to phone …"
"Ok. Let me just call someone. He can take you to a phone, and then run you over to the hospital for a check up."
I dial Gus' mobile, and as usual, he answers immediately.
"Is it …?
"No. Her name's Jan."
"Be right down."
The disappointment's obvious in his voice, but he's down within seconds anyway. I make the introductions, and he takes Jan upstairs to call her family.
Once she's gone, I'm back to waiting, and I make an effort to get into the book.
The next Slayer's in a bad way. I hit the speed dial for Gus but don't wait for him to answer, rushing to her side and checking her over. Gus and Angel hurry down, and between us, we try to stem the bleeding from what looks to be a stab wound to the stomach. Again, Gus shakes his head at my wordless question. This isn't Fiona.
We work for a while getting her ready to go to hospital, and when they've gone, it's quiet again.
And then, it's back to boredom again. Just one more to go, according to our records, and inevitably, it looks like that'll be the one Gus has been waiting for. Watching him as each girl arrived, seeing him either disappointed or relieved has been hard. I hope he's here when she arrives and that she's ok.
I'm not surprised when Gus returns a short while later. Angel's doing hospital duty again, and this time I know I won't be able to persuade Gus to stay upstairs. He takes a seat next to me on the sofa, but that lasts for less than a minute as he starts to pace the room. At least he's wearing soft-soled shoes, so he's quiet. Still, it's distracting, which is probably of the good. And he can certainly pace.
And then, suddenly, Willow yelps. She's in the chair with her eyes wide open and she's breathing hard. I glance towards Spike, expecting to see his eyes open too, but there's no change. Willow seems to convulse once, and then she collapses to the floor.
There's still no change with Spike, so I rush towards Willow.
"Willow! What happened?"
Willow's eyes are closed, her body inert and her breathing seems shallow.
"Get help," I shout towards Gus, but he's already gone.
A moment later, I hear Dawn rushing in, and Gus' footsteps are loud as he rushes upstairs.
"What happened?" Dawn demands.
I shake my head, trying to make sense of what little I know.
Moira comes in then. She takes one look at Spike's empty body and Willow's state, and comes to kneel beside us. She takes her fingers and puts them to Willow's temple in a move reminiscent of Spock doing a mind meld, then nods to herself. She tries to get up, but is having difficulty, so I get up and help her to her feet. She then walks towards Spike and repeats the procedure. When she turns to face me, her face is grave.
"Willow's there. She's had some sort of shock or trauma, but she has returned from the search. Spike isn't."
"So … what does that mean?"
"Willow may be able to tell us when she regains consciousness."
"Is she going to be ok?"
"I'm not expert enough to know. Maybe with a period to rest, she'll be fine, but if she's lost her grip on Spike, the wrench … there may be some damage."
"Lost her grip …" I parrot. "What …?"
"Willow was Spike's tether to this world. As long as Willow was able to return to her own body, Spike could follow and be returned to his own. I know that Willow was planning what she called a 'fail safe'. If something bad happened - something that damaged her ability to maintain contact with Spike, she had a routine which would cause them both to return immediately. My guess is that something happened, and that it caused a break in the connection."
"So what do we do? How do we bring Spike back?"
"Buffy, astral projection of this sort is inherently dangerous. Willow is skilled, and her need for the fail safe was proof that she knew just how dangerous it was for Spike. Unless, by some miracle, he can find his own way back, I'm afraid Spike's lost for good."
I walk towards Spike's body. He's exactly as he was, and it's obvious there's no one home. Suddenly, it seems like too much of an effort to stay upright. I fall to my knees at his feet, laying my head on his lap. Like this, it's almost possible to imagine that there's nothing wrong, that he's still there, and that any moment he'll stroke my hair.
"What happened?" I hear Giles' voice.
I hear Dawn and Moira trying to explain again, but I don't listen. Spike's gone. Those words are echoing through my mind, soft but insistent.
I think back over the past few days. They've been wonderful, and at the same time they've been frustrating. We've been so wrapped up in the job of bringing the Slayers back that there's been no time for Spike and me. I turn my head, and glimpse the mug Spike drank his most recent Slayer cocktail from, and I kick myself for not rinsing it. It'll be all congealed and a pain to get clean now, and of course, Spike's not going to be doing it.
Again, I regret that my blood wasn't among the rest. It doesn't seem fair that I wasn't allowed that part in saving the Slayers. And then it comes to me. I hear Willow's voice warning me not to add my blood to the cocktail in case it kept him anchored here. Well, if it could anchor him here, maybe it can bring him back. I get up from where I am.
The others all seem to be swarming around me, getting in my way. I push past, not caring that they're just trying to be comforting and that I'm being rude. I go into the kitchen and go through the drawer there, trying to find a good, sharp knife. I realise that, this being Spike's kitchen, I'm more likely to find a sharp knife among his weapons, so I go from there to his bedroom and into the box under the bed where he keeps them.
Dawn pales visibly when she sees me coming back with the knife, but I ignore her. I approach Spike and slice the pad of my thumb. There's a clamour of disapproval and confusion, but I'm not listening. I push my bleeding thumb into his mouth. Spike might not be home, but something is - his demon maybe, because there's a small contraction of his mouth around me. It's not an actual swallow, but it's something, and it's repeated a moment later.
"What are you doing?" Giles demands.
"Trying to bring him home," I state, moving my thumb around, trying to increase the response.
"Buffy, I know you're upset, but surely this can't help."
"Willow said I couldn't contribute to the Slayer blood in case it kept him here. So, I'm trying to use it to bring him back."
I can hear Dawn softly sobbing behind me, and Moira's attempts to comfort her. I don't have any tears, just the absolute conviction that this will work. Because there isn't anything else.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, and hear Giles' voice as he gets down to the floor beside me.
"Buffy, let me see your thumb."
I pull it out of Spike's mouth. It's already stopped bleeding. I use the knife to re-open the cut and put it back into his mouth.
"Buffy, this is a long-shot. It's a million to one. Don't take any risks with this, please."
I don't answer him. I know it's a remote chance. It's a far cry from keeping him here to bringing him home, I know that. But I've got to hope, and no one else's given me any reason.
Between them, Gus and Giles have lifted Willow from the floor and are taking her out to the spare room. There's discussion as to what the next step is - whether she should go to hospital, or whether help should be summoned, but Moira tells them to be quiet so she can make a phone call.
She takes Gus' cell phone, squints at it, and then hands it back.
"I can't read those numbers. They're too small. Dial for me."
She recites a list of digits, which Gus obediently punches before handing the phone to Moira."
"Gwynneth? It's Moira. We need some help."
