Ode to Erik
Erik's Modern Adventure
(Part Three)
"Once again dear reader, I thank you for being so utterly patient while old Erik had a little kip. Getting old I tell you, it has no ups…only downs! Anyway my friends, back to the tale in hand!"
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"Well, never in my life have I seen so many weird and wonderful things! From floor to ceiling, from left to right; things, objects everywhere. Ranging from the minute to the enormous, the ordinary to the extraordinary. Sotheby's must be a home for all things old and beautiful! Items from every corner of the world, objects of every origin!
The walls filled with canvass pictures and oil masterpieces. Upon the floor, sculptures of smooth granite, tables of ornate wood carvings, a thousand musical instruments. Glass cabinets crammed full of decadent jewellery, tall alabaster jars and delicate china bits. I felt a little dwarfed by the grandeur of some of these items, some far more kingly than I!
I deduced that this must be an establishment for the restoration of all things that have been around for quite some time! The items in here looking very spiffing; astoundingly clean and well presented, all undoubtedly well cared for!
Yes dear old Erik was in the right place. The sweet little angel had brought me for the best spit and polish of my life! Hopefully, they would also bash out these blasted dints that have plagued my person for what seems an eternity. That damned cad, must he insist on thrashing me and causing all these unsightly marks?
Would this hurt? Would the removal of the dents cause me much discomfort? Would I once again look as I did in my youth, shiny and handsome like so many decades ago? So many questions needing an answer; surely they would come soon! As I ponder the whys and the wherefores of this impending undertaking, a rather squat looking little man approached us. Judging by Eveys smile and warm hand shake, this man was to be trusted, so I felt a little more relaxed. They engaged in a fast and short conversation, one I did not keep up with very well. All I knew was that I was being taken into a separate room, probably for my reviving to begin!
Upon my arrival in this new room a sight that I thought I should never see again greeted me! A true sight for sore eyes, I could not believe my luck! Erik's dreams had been realised, my prayers answered after so long! This angel, this seraph. Not only had see brought me for a full restoration, she had arranged a reunion between myself and a couple of old chums! If I could cry, I'm sure a tear would have been shed!
I cast my eyes over my two oldest friends, Frederick the Noble and Boderick the Brave! There they were; standing tall and true, just as they always had! I have to admit, I was a little ashamed that their first view of me in over a hundred and fifty years was one of me stuffed rather indignantly into a cardboard box. But never mind, such trivial things go unnoticed between close friends!
They looked amazing! Buffed to a high shine, no dints, no marks, perfect feathers in their helmets. Their gauntlets shone, their vambraces gleamed and their breastplates…well I had not known envy till I cast my greedy gaze upon them! Magnificent, truly awe inspiring, the image of a true knight of the realm. If this is what Sotheby's had done to them, just think of what they would do for me! Then suddenly, a call shook me from my jealousy!
"I say old chap, haven't seen you in bloody years!" It was Boderick, such a nice fellow!
"Great Scot, if it isn't the amazing Erik, how've you been my dear friend!" Bellowed Frederick!
From that moment on, there was much discussion! (No, Evey and the fat man will not have heard us as when suits of armour speak, our language is distinguished as a creak or groan of metal; developed so that we may communicate without being discovered by the human masters…genius really!)
We knights had much to discuss, and much to reminisce on too! Boderick reminded me of the time involving the maiden, the piece of string, the hot wax and the pig. Frederick chipped in by explaining exactly what happened that night at Shilling Castle with him and the peacock. And I regaled them both with my tale of astounding bravery as I once battle the dragon with that famous chap…what's his name…George or something. Oh, so delightful to once again discuss old times with the boys, it was like we've never been away from each other.
However, what I had not noticed all the while we were talking, was that the rotund man had been prodding about my various parts; with no regard for where he was sticking his fingers either! A slight chuckle from Frederick and Boderick made me realise that something was amiss here, and that all was not well.
"What's the verdict Brod? What they giving him do you think?" Boomed Frederick in his usual manor.
"Hard to say old chap, that fat fellow isn't smiling though. Not like he did when he looked at us!" Boderick replied with much gusto.
I enquired as to exactly what they meant and rather rudely they both laughed at me, much to my surprise! What the devil was going on here? Was I not here to be cleaned? Possibly not…
"Oh old chap, you've no idea have you? Had one too many knocks to the head I expect?" Laughed Boderick.
"Erik my lad, you're in an auction house." Frederick tried to explain, but by my blank expression, he knew he had to explain further.
"An auction house is where the fleshy ones send items they don't want any more to be sold! That' why me and Boderick are here! We've been sold by the breathing ones that owned us and we're off to Virgina next week!" He resounded.
"Fetched a princely sum I did too old Erik. I sold for nigh on £250,000! Frederick sold for just under £210,000! Wonder what they'll get for you old boy!" Chirped Boderick, most pleased with his financial coup.
But at this point I had suddenly lost interest in their conversation and had swiftly turned my ears and my full attention to the portly man and Evey…the witch. She was selling me? Getting rid of dear old Erik? How could she? I defended her honour so many times, kept her company all those nights, kept a watchful eye on her on countless occasions! She was selling me for financial gain?
My none existant heart sank, I felt so rejected. I wished to be back at the gallery, with that fop beating the hell out of me. Or to be there covered in a layer of inch think dust. Or to be subject to a hissing attack by Miss Africa. Anything but this. I pleaded with her. I begged her. If I could have got on hands and knees I would have. But my pleas fell upon deaf ears. Erik's fate looked like it was being sealed…I was to be sold.
I turned to the fat man, trying to understand just what he was telling Evey. I understood this part well, as did Frederick and Boderick who were trying to hide their amusement at me predicament.
"I'm sorry miss, but due to his extremely poor condition and the overall state of him, he's pretty much worthless. I maybe able to offer you a minimal amount, say £50 if you really want shut of him?"
I didn't know whether to be relieved or horrified. Relieved in that if I was worthless she wouldn't sell me. Horrified that a knight of my calibre, or my age and wisdom was being sold for such a paltry amount! I decided to go with the former…I did not wish to test my luck! But I still could not comprehend why those two had sold for such high amounts, and myself being told I'm not worth a bloody bean!
Worthless? Worthless? Like a scrap of paper or a broken old cup, worthless. Of no value what so ever. Totally devoid of any financial value. I could not believe I was deemed as worthless, as having no significance or appeal to anyone! A knight of my standing, of my age and quality…worthless. The words rang in my head and I began to feel extremely dejected, and truly believed I actually was worthless.
And then just as I thought it was over for dear Erik; just as I imagined I was to be boxed up and put into dusty storage for and eternity my saviour walked through the door.
I could swear that he shone, that a blinding white light surrounded him as he entered the room. He had a god-like quality about him, maybe he was immortal? He did not walk, nay he floated into the room to rescue me, to save me from almost certainly being sold to the fat man. Although Evey did not recognise him at first, I did instantly.
It was the cad. My utter saviour, I love him now. He was wearing one of his less used masks, one I imagine Evey had not seen before. He stood with such power, such authority; I actually admired him…he had come to save me…my lord.
"I'll give you £60 for him if I can take him now?" The fop said hands on hips, staring firmly at Evey who had now realised who it was and was blushing furiously, trying to make herself small. Yes it was him, I recognised his tone. Recognised the way he rolls his tongue around his F's and his voice becomes more hushed toward the end of a sentence.
It was him. My knight in shining armour. I wish I could kiss him. Never before have I been so pleased to see him…ever.
The fat man rubbed his hands greedily and agreed to the sale with little haste. I hoped I was about to be let out of my cardboard confines and reassembled, but instead I remained there; at least I was safe in the cad's hands and not those of that deranged harpie!
At least I was worth something…even to him…even if it was only a measly £60…"
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"After money had exchanged hands, after I had said my emotional good byes to Boderick and Frederick and wished them well in Virginia, the harlequin was taking me home…in my box. By this point Evey had fully understood it was him and realised just who it was, and just how much trouble she actually was in.
The entire way home, I silently thanked him. With much reverence, a boat load of respect and more happiness than I care to imagine.
He truly is my saviour, my hero, my lord. From now on I vow to have nothing but total respect for him. I shall call him by his proper name and give him all the reverence he so rightly deserves.
I promise to cherish him as my rightful master, the one to whom I belong, the one who saved me! He can dual with me as often as he likes. He can leave me undusted for a year, I care not, such is my new respect for the harlequin…
Oi watch it you blithering fool… have a bit more care you prat…my head nearly fell out of the bloody box!"
