Well I must say that writing this fic has become even more fun, as now when I write I actually have Erik stood in front of me; he's adorable! I'd like to thank Yoda for him and for providing me with such inspiration in the form of mini-Erik!
Ode to Erik
The Uninvited Guest
"Why is it that every time I close my blasted eyes for forty-winks I am awoken?
It always happens; if it's not the harlequin wanting to devalue me some more, it's the Hotpoint 747 on an inbound flight from New York. If it's not Miss Africa hissing, it's the television blearing out Roman epics like Ben Hurr or Spartacus. Every bleeding time I try take a little snooze, I find something that distracts me from my rest.
And, I also want to know, why is it that every single day in this place I seem to sustain some form of an injury? I do not move, I do not speak, I stand perfectly still, Erik behaves himself. Yet more often then not I am the victim of daily assaults upon my person! It just will not do!
And today was as always, no exception.
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It has been a few days since the wanderer returned to the safety of the Shadow Gallery. I'm back where I belong and glad of it! Although I enjoyed my little 'vacation' I am thrilled to be back home and watching over everything once more. I think I'll leave all that new fandangled crap to the people upstairs, it's too late to teach this old dog new tricks!
My little jaunt had worn me out terribly and I have been spending considerable amounts of time asleep. Now being very old, it is quite important that I take these regular naps, and it is something that I do so enjoy. And this morning was no different. I found myself in the hands of a most delightful snooze; filled with dreams of lances, dragons and pretty maidens. I was so enjoying my sleep; it was true ambrosia and just what a weary suit of armour like myself needed. I was in heaven…literally.
That was until I was brought back down to earth with a sharp bump! Through the clouds I fell, down from the sky and smack bang back into the gallery. I was slightly confused but my senses were soon rudely alerted to the problem I was facing and the reason I had been awakened.
Amid much banging and clattering, there came a shrill scream resonating around the gallery. A long, loud howl of terror. It sounded like a human possessed, nay a banshee in fact. The cry reached new decibels and I'm sure a few glasses in the kitchen smashed. The shriek of horror was truly blood-curdling and I think that my vambraces curled it was so piercing! It was horrendous, it made me feel sick! The ferocity of said scream made me shake and quiver! What on earth could this be?
Had V been attempting to cook again and burnt himself? No, no, he was upstairs with his bombs…
Was it Evey in some form of severe distress?
Or was the gallery in fact haunted by a wailing spectre?
(I was soon to find out.)
As soon as the scream ended, Eveys bedroom door flung open violently. She flew out of that room like a bat out of hell, like the very devil himself was up her backside! She was failing about wildly; flinging her arms in the air like a deranged beast, tearing about the gallery like a maniac. She danced and hopped about like she was treading upon hot coals; it was very amusing to watch! But once again she opened her little mouth and from it came that scream…again. A cry of such an extravagant pitch I felt sure the gods had heard it. It truly reached new levels of noise ever emitted from one single person, and such a tiny one at that. I mean just how does such a small delicate creature produce such a sound? If I had freedom of movement my hands would have gone straight over my ears!
After running about like a headless chicken, the scream tailed off and she darted into the kitchen. After much banging of doors and slamming of pans, she emerged triumphantly and came out menacingly brandishing the broom. Her face was grey as storm clouds, her grimace as cold as granite, her stance as scary as can be. This was a girl on a mission I could just tell. Like a radar she began to scan the floor, obviously looking for something, but in heavens name knows what!
Suddenly I felt a slight tickle on my left leg; this distracted me from watching Evey.
It stopped.
Then it began again, up my leg, swiftly up the side of my torso and then over my breast-plates. (I am quite ticklish you know and had a job on not laughing out loud!) Then the tickling torture continued and made its way up my neck then stopped and resided upon my face!
I must say I was quite surprised to see that the administrator of such virile tickling was in fact none other than a harmless little house spider! Well he wasn't so much little; he was actually fairly large, big long hairy legs and vicious looking pincers that seemed to move of their own accord! Waggling his mandibles at me was perhaps not a friendly sign in spider terms, but he appeared to be of no obvious threat to myself so I made no attempt to move him along. (It's a good job I'm not scared of the blasted things isn't it?)
Well dear reader, let me tell you know. The only thing I remember before I was knocked unconscious was little Miss Hammond. Or should I perhaps call her little Miss Psycho? She cast her gaze upon my direction with such veracity and such menace that I thought I might turn to stone. If looks could kill I would have died a thousand deaths. Her eyes narrowed, her neck twitched…she was going to launch herself at me. I heard her mumble to herself angrily:
"There you are…now you're mine!"
Then she came at me like a woman possessed, like a totally unhinged person. I have been attacked by other knights, set upon by rabid dogs, even fought against the odd dragon or two, but NEVER in my life have I been assaulted in such a manor as she subjected me to. She was screaming and yelling, shouting all the profanities under the sun (I think the air turned blue at one point, delicate Erik was shocked!) She was deranged; I think I even saw her eyes turn red at one point!
She brought that broom down with such a force that I thought I was being pulverised into scrap metal! Every part of me shook and trembled as I was subjected to her terrifying attack. It was so brutal and inhumane, that I truly believed I would fall to pieces and never be able to be fixed again! She reigned blows upon me so fiercely, all I could do was pray for the end or that the cad would save me once again. I was wishing I was being lanced, anything other than smacked repeatedly with the damn broom! But I had no such luck and was made to endure the terror of a crazed arachnophobic with a weapon. All this over a little spider.
It was obvious now; the poor little chap had come to me for protection after managing to escape Eveys clutches in her bedroom. (Not a place a decent little thing like him wants to be anyway!) His waggling mandibles must have been a form of communication; I was quite touched to be considered as his saviour. But a swift and crushing blow from that damned evil broom handle brought me from my elation. The last thing I remember was my head becoming air born and soaring past the television room. After that I think I may have passed out as I do not remember anything until I awoke to find my head back rather uncomfortably where it belongs. It must have been the fop who put me back as I doubt she would know how to do it properly!
I now have a nice headache for my troubles and a large dent to the side of my head, which is always pleasant (like I'm not worthless enough as it is…) I mean it, that is the very last time I try and sneak a nap whilst Miss Machiavelli is near. Heavens know what she will attempt to do to me next!
However, I did win one small victory against that nutty woman…
Well not that small actually…
I now have a new friend…
Someone I can finally talk to…
Dear readers, please allow me to introduce you to Cederic the house spider."
