Sean sat in the alley for a long time after he finished reading, pondering everything that had happened in the past couple of days. After reading the song, reading Craig's heart poured out onto a piece of paper, Sean knew that his feelings were more than just friendly. But why now? Why was he feeling this way towards Craig now? They had spent plenty of time together before. Sean had always felt protective towards his friend, especially after witnessing what his father's abuse had done to him but it had never felt like anything more. What had changed?
I'm the one who's changed, Sean realized. Ever since his breakdown after the shooting he had felt new things that he had never let himself before. The wall he had been putting up for most of his life had crumbled with the shot that day. It liberated and terrified him at the same time. Right now he was definitely more scared than anything else.
Getting to his feet, he tucked the paper carefully into his pocket then started to walk. The day was chilly for September and he stuck his hands into his pockets, walking quickly against the wind. His feet did not take him to his apartment though. He instead walked to the bus stop and a little while later found himself staring at the door to Ellie's room. He had looked her up in the student directory and now was just trying to get up the courage to knock.
"Do you find my door that fascinating?"
Sean turned around, startled. "El."
She studied him for a moment and he wondered if his face showed the confusion and doubt he was feeling. "Let's go somewhere. My roommate's probably in there. She doesn't leave the room. Ever."
Sean followed her down the hall to the elevator. They rode it down in silence and she led him to a café right outside the library. They sat at a small table by the window which looked out onto the main campus lawn. Students walked around or sat on the grass talking, laughing, or studying. Sean vaguely wondered if any of them harbored secrets or pain like he did.
"So."
He looked back at Ellie who stared at him, unblinking. He looked away from her gaze, not sure where to start. The last few days had brought him more new worries and problems than he had expected for the entire year. He was not sure he could put some of the things he was feeling into words anyway. "El…"
"You can tell me."
"It's just…I…" Sean could not quite bring himself to say it. "Never mind."
"Sean come on."
"No, I can't talk about it. I'm sorry." He got up to leave and felt her hand grab his wrist.
"If you need help…"
"No. No one can help me with this." Sean waited for her to let go then left the café. He was even more confused now that he had seen Ellie. It had been so instinctual for him to go to her and he had wanted to take comfort in her. Now he was beyond confused because he still felt things for her too, the same things he felt for Craig.
The rest of the week went by and Sean just avoided everyone. He got up went to school then came home did his homework and zoned out in front of the television until bedtime. Craig still was not back in school and he let the answering machine pick up to avoid phone calls from Ellie. He did not want to care anymore, wanted to rebuild the wall. It had to go up again.
Friday evening, the phone rang as he made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The answering machine clicked on and a familiar voice filled the room.
"Hey Sean it's Tracker. Um, when you get this message call me back. I'm at home."
Sean froze not noticing the jelly dripping from his knife into the floor. Why was Tracker calling him from home? Something had to be wrong. Hands shaking, Sean went in the living room and picked up the phone. He dialed home in Wasaga, hoping he was wrong.
"Hello?"
"Tracker, it's Sean."
"Oh hey Sean."
"Is everything okay?"
"Um, not really. Mom had an accident. She's in the hospital."
Sean's heart started to race and he sat down on the couch. "What kind of accident? Is she okay?"
"Car accident. She's in ICU right now. We're waiting for word on how she is. Dad's there now but he wanted me to come home and call you."
"Car…was…was she drinking?"
"I think so. I'll come get you."
"No," Sean said quickly. "No don't come. Now now."
"But Sean—"
"Listen, just call me when you find out if she…how she is. I have to go somewhere for a little while." Before his brother could protest any further Sean hung up. Running a hand through his hair, he tried to breathe and stop the room from spinning. He had to get out. Grabbing his keys and a jacket, he headed out the door and nearly bashed into Craig.
"Sean! Hey, are you okay?"
Sean shook his head. "No. What are you doing here?"
"I came by to apologize for being an asshole yet again. The mood swings haven't been great."
"I-it's okay."
"What's wrong?"
"My mom…she got into an accident. She was drinking."
Craig's eyes widened. "Oh man. Were you headed out to go see her?"
Sean shook his head again. "No, I can't, not right now. I just needed to get out. I don't…I can't…" He broke off trying to hold back tears.
"Come on." Craig steered him out of the apartment and down the stairs. "You need this. They've gotten me through some tough times."
Sean knew instantly what Craig was talking about. He could feel the boy's hand trembling on his back and saw the wild look in his eyes. "No! Damn it Craig, what the hell's wrong with you?" He stepped away from his friend as they reached the front door the building.
"It'll help you, Sean, trust me."
Sean grabbed his arm and pulled him outside and to the side of the building. "Craig," he said in a low voice. "You need to stop this. Drugs are not helping you. They're only making you worse. Just stop, please."
"I…I can't. They're the only things that have kept me going. They're the only things that make me forget…"
Sean's heart ached for his troubled friend and wanted nothing more in that moment than to take his pain onto himself. "I know you want to escape. I want to do that too right now. But you can't. You can't." Sean repeated the sentiment more to himself than to Craig. It was true. He had learned that in Wasaga and realized the same was true now. He could not escape what was going on with his mother. He had to go see her. In a little while.
Craig was trembling now, obviously holding back tears. Sean reached out but Craig pushed his arms away.
"Don't. I don't deserve it. I should be comforting you right now."
"It's alright. I'm alright." Sean pulled Craig into an embrace, feeling every tremor that went through the boy's body. It felt strange but good to be taking care of someone else.
Craig pulled away after a minute or so and smiled slightly, wiping at his eyes. "I'm glad you came back," he said.
Sean felt the importance of these words hit him hard. All his life people had seen him as a bad influence, someone to avoid, but Craig never saw him that way. And now he was starting to see himself through Craig's eyes. That was something he would be eternally grateful for and it was part of the reason, he realized now, that he was falling for his best friend.
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