What We Do In The Shadows: "Jen..."

Summary: There are unexpected consequences when Laszlo seeks a new human familiar…

Part LXXII…

"It was indeed very kind of you to offer to force my brains out of my skull through intensive sex, Miss Erika…" Nandor, kindly to a somewhat crestfallen Erika, blouse partially open.

"However, I feel it would be inappropriate, given you are Laszlo's minion and to be honest, I am somewhat old-fashioned…" warm smile. "I'm married, times thirty-seven, and even if it is unlikely I will encounter my dear wives again…" shrug.

"That is so very sweet, Master Nandor." Erika, sighing. "You are a wonderful husband."

"Well, I was a bit on the brutal and neglectful side in my younger days, perhaps a bit more mellow now. Frankly…" he leans for confidential whisper from his seat at table in his crypt where Erika can see he has been writing. "…Don't ever tell Laszlo Cravensworth, he should lord it over me, but I do admire his steadfastness over time to Nadja, despite his proclivities and her constantly being a bitch to him, though a loving wife indeed as well. I should like to prove myself his equal in steadfastness…The vanity of an 800 or so year old man, you know." Grin.

"Erika! Do not fuck Nandor's brains out!" Laszlo's cry from down the hall. "That is my direct order, dear!"

"Oh…Hi." Colin had stuck his head into the room, peering about and then straight at Erika's partially uncovered bosom. "Heard some commotion in the hall and thought I'd grab a quick snack. You two hard at it in some sort of illicit orgy?"

"No, Colin Robinson." "Nein, Herr Robinson."

"Ok, too bad. I'd've enjoyed draining Laszlo all upset that the minion he can't have sex with is screwing Nandor."

"Go away, Colin Robinson." Nandor frowns.

"Sure…Say are you writing on parchment? Is that a quill?" Colin eyes table.

"I am doing both." Nod.

"Tres formale…Something important?"

"It's the way I write." Frown.

"Oh…Nice. You know the quills used in writing often came from turkeys, geese, and pheasants?"

"Yes, I did, Colin Robinson. I often plucked them myself from my prized pheasants before a battle to write my Sultan." Nandor, sternly. "Thank you for your unnecessary information."

"Glad to help. I've got to pack. Not much but I love to drag it out. Hey, Erika, nice choice of brasserie. Bet it got a lot of clients to sign on the dotted line." Smile.

"Go. Colin Robinson." Nandor, firmly.

"Right. See you at the big move…" wave.

"He has a great malevolence about him…That unman." Erika notes.

"Really? I find him merely boring and tiresome." Nandor shrugs. "Perhaps it's the long time I've spent with him."

"Please don't be offended by my actions, Master Nandor..." Erika begins, sheepishly, brushing hair back, buttoning. "I must have misunderstood mein Master's order..."

"Not at all..." kindly wave… "It is very flattering to have a beautiful human woman wishing to make the massive whoopie with one not her direct blood master. Thank you, my dear."

"You are so very kind, sir..."

Laszlo at door, Nadja just behind…

"Ah, good. You haven't fucked any brains out yet. I countermand that order, my mistake, sorry."

"No, mein Master. It was my mistake. I was overzealous, I apologize." Erika nods, continuing her buttoning up and smoothing suit. "In any case Master Nandor prefers not to."

"He does...Doesn't? Well, good...Though, Nandor, I must say I'm a bit miffed. My Erika should be to the taste of any man or Unman." Laszlo, firmly. "I mean, look at her."

Erika, blushing smile… "Master, thank you."

"Just be careful heeding Laszlo's stupider commands, Erika." Nadja frowns. "Especially when Van Helsing's people attack. Neither try to seduce Van Helsing's people not leap in front of the crossbows even if he begs you to. Tell her, Laszlo..."

"Surely..." Maybe just a little leaping? Flesh wounds only?...And seduction seems to me a nice nonlethal way to go…He mouths to Erika, who nods, sly smile to his when Nadja is looking away.

"Well, I was very flattered indeed, but Martha would be hurt…" Nandor notes. "And my wives might take offense."

"After 800 years?" Laszlo, shaking head. "My God, man."

"What is so strange about that? We've been married hundreds of years." Nadja points out, annoyed.

"Well, certainly, but we've had a few flings to ease the monogamatic monotony. Plus, we fuck like minks constantly." Laszlo notes.

"This is true." Nadja reflects. "Still, it is very commendable. Child, finish dressing before Laszlo's eyes undress you completely."

"They can do it, too…My Dark Power…" he grins, looking over at the small table pulled to chair.

"Oh, writing something? Your moving list?" he glances. "Ah, the good old quill and ink. That's the stuff. Bitch of a thing to keep sharp, of course."

Ah, yes…He eyes Nandor's inky teeth. That's one way, I suppose.

"Yes, I was writing Laszlo Cravensworth. My list of movables among other things."

"On parchment no less?" Laszlo beams.

"Sorry if I displeased you, Master…Mistress." Erika, anxiously, smoothing hair. "I thought…"

"You thought you'd get a little Relentless Nandor fucking in…Come, it's clear you fancy him." Nadja, smiling. "It was kind of you to offer, but Nandor is right. Martha would be very hurt. She sees him as a noble prince of the dark, unyielding to temptation…"

"She does?" Laszlo eyes her.

"Indeed…She tole me when we were celebrating at the office after the closing of our business for the new home. She was a bit tipsy on the champagne we had Jennifer bring for the humans."

"She was? She is alright?" Nandor, concerned.

"Oh, certainly. The poor thing needed to unwind…Hell of a life she's led with those boys of hers. You really should talk to them, Nandor." Nadja nods.

"I intend to, after our move, if nothing else…" Nandor begins…

"What's this?" Laszlo reading the parchment… "You wrote Dracula?" staring at Nandor.

"Laszlo Cravensworth…This is private documents. We are in free America, you need a search warrant." Nandor, rather annoyed.

"Hmmn…Yes, I suppose you're right, according to 'Law and Order', my apologies. But you were writing, to Dracula?"

"I felt I should apologize for so rudely intruding on his daughter's studies."

"I hope you include a line requesting he and his other doctor friend's ghost find some other more violent vampires to kill..." Nadja notes.

"Do you really think it wise? Might piss the ole boy off even if he is a noble doctor and redeemed and all that?" Laszlo tries to eye parchment, Nandor moving it away.

"I can handle writing my ole comrade-in-arms, former orgy companion, cellmate (a brief period under Sultam Mehid), foe, friendemy...I like that word...Friendemy."

"Yes, it's a very nice one..." Laszlo agrees. "Both friend and enemy as is so often true in this world. But perhaps, it concerning us all, this letter should be a collaborative effort."

"I do not think so, Laszlo Cravensworth."

Laszlo, frowning…Erika looking a bit distressed.

"Boys…" Nadja shakes head. "Nandor, you should let us see what you write, it does affect us. Laszlo, Nandor is Dracula's old colleague, let him write as he feels. There, fair compromise."

Hmmn…Both eyeing her.

"Well, I suppose you do know him better than anyone Unliving." Laszlo shrugs. "Just see if we can work out a compromise. We'll do cows for a while or something. And don't forget to note how I saved that Pennsylvania volleyball team's chances of going to state finals through my generosity when I was on the road as Jackie Daytona."

"On the road?" Erika, puzzled.

"On the run, really. He was fleeing this vampire who looked like Mark Hamill, he owed him money and was too cheap to pay." Nadja, sourly.

"I repaid Jim many times over with that priceless mechanical fish and the job as coach. He's financially solvent now and reopened the Lucky Brew, my old bar there. I do have to write him and find out how he learned to drink alcohol. Amazing old fellow, really. Well, Nandor, we'll let you get on with your attempt to conciliate the ex-Dark Prince. Just let us have a gander as my dear one requested, before you put our lives in jeopardy? There's a good fellow. Come, my love, much to do before we must all meet for the great Move. And we should have a battle strategy meeting tonight, at some point, eh, Nandor? We will be vulnerable during our shift of base."

"We will sell our lives to keep you all safe, Master!" Erika insists.

"Of course, of course…Lets hope it doesn't come to that." Laszlo notes.

"No, indeed. It shall be me who sells Unlife dearly in any battle." Nandor insists.

Nadja rolling eyes…

Cut to late camera shot with Nadja…

"Nandor the hero, right? Did he not whimper like a little boy when that Jim fellow came, offered him Guillermo? Still, to be fair, he was ready to die the other night fighting a young girl, the Slayer if she came." Smile.

"Yes, yes, and the other minions of Van Helsing, I know. He was brave enough. But if it comes to that Laszlo will fight for me, I'm sure. He'll run and urge me to flee while there's a chance, naturally. But if we're hopelessly cornered, he'll die with me."

"You should tell him to live, for me." The Soul Doll insists.

"Quiet, you."

"I'm flattered, Master Nandor…" Jen notes, holding the finished letter.

"Well, I know of none among our lady friends so clever and intelligent and with that right touch of diplomatic finesse…" Nandor notes. "I would ask Erika, but she is a bit biased in my favor. Whereas Nadja and Laszlo would simply criticize, as they will, of course. Please, have my seat." He rises from chair at his improvised writing table.

"My dear old friend and colleague," ("Nice start, Master Nandor." "Thank you so much." Beam.)

"This is your old comrade and opponent Nandor, using the surname 'Relentless' in this era. How are you these days? I hear you are a fine doctor now, what the fuck? That's wonderful. You always did have a skill with inserting objects into bodies even in your human days…Swords, stakes…I imagine your old experience serves you well. And no one could have as much experience with the heart…Severed, cut out, cleaved, etc, etc." ("Nice to complement his surgical skills, Master." Nod.)

"Well, first let me get right to it. I met your dear daughter the other night at your home. Please, pardon my not formally requesting an invitation but I had no intention of enter-(crossed out) trespassing…" ("Is trespassing better? I thought it more honest." "Enter sounds less threatening." Jen notes. Hmmn… Crosses out "trespassing"…) "…Entering your castle, a beautiful place by the way. I simply wanted to ask your daughter a few questions to be sure you were indeed my old comrade, the Prince Count Vlad of the Dracule." ("His formal title…He's a prince by birth in Wallachia, a count by marriage and since the Dracule house was no longer recognized by the Sultan's order as being of royal status, he's generally styled 'Count' but I thought, why not give the man his proper titles?" "I think that's right, Master." Nod.)

"Know, Vlad, that I had no intention of taking your dear girl, strictly off-limits. But we have been concerned by recent app…manifestations of your old friendemy, Abraham Van Helsing, in ghostly…Exoplasmic…" ("Which is better, you think?" "I'd go with ghostly." "Right." Corrects.) "…form. It seems he is quite obsessed with providing us with a form of Redemption or at least release from our current Unhuman state. Which, I comply understand, is a great honor according to his point of view. And I applaud your own efforts in that regard…It warms my dead heart to know you have at last found a way back to a form of Humanity, the career which you seem well suited to in addition to activities which most humans at least must consider heroic and noble, protecting the innocent, saving the tormented, etc., and that most important of all to you, I know, you are sure to be reunited permanently with your dear Elisabete, at last. Kudos to having freed her from her torment and your future reunion. Nothing is more important than Family."

"Having said that, Vlad, my friendemy, I would ask you see if it might be possible for at least my friends the Cravensworths to reach an accommodation with you and your good buddy Dr. Van Helsing. Frankly, we met all our souls recently and the Cravensworths' seemed relatively content and unburdened by us, their demonic Essences' ongoing existence. Honestly, I fear Laszlo and Nadja, the Cravensworths, greatly dread the idea of their destruction, even for redemptive purposes that might restore their souls in their current bodies, allowing for something like your own redemption. Surely a compromise could be worked out? Perhaps they do perform charitable deals? Indeed, Laszlo Cravensworth recently accomplished much good in a small town in Pennsylvania. The '-vania' is cute, no? Laszlo and I thought you'd appreciated it although we realize you're a long-standing American Joe now. Laszlo did wish me to note cows might be acceptable as a blood substitute. He and Nadja are very nice people, as vampires go, and I would urge their case be considered carefully. As for me, well…I have had a very nice Unlife, with many centuries to reflect…And I might actually be willing to consider this 'Redemption' business, particularly if it would spare the Cravensworths and secure the safety of our current rather unusually large team of minions, lovely sweet ladies who've been such a…" Jen pausing, staring at Nandor.

"Miss Jennifer, why are you crying?" concerned stare.