Chapter 17 - Not a Moron

Chell shivered.

The farther she descended, the colder the temperature grew—and as the year edged toward winter, it could only get worse. A chilly breeze brushed at her, raising the hairs on her skin.

As Chell rubbed her arms, she wished for her sweatshirt. She really should've taken that split-second to grab it instead of leaving it wadded up and forgotten on the floor in the science fair hall.

At least she'd be back in that sheltered hideout soon enough. Even though Doug told her that every level of Aperture contained a stash of food, she didn't know where else to find it besides the room she'd already been in. And with her luck she'd get herself hopelessly lost if she tried to find another one.

She had to get back there—but the only path she knew was through the testing track she'd just escaped.

It couldn't be that difficult.

She'd made it through the first chamber without a portal device. She'd figured out the solution to the second test chamber within moments. The remaining chambers should be simple enough as long as she had the Quantum Tunneling Device.

The device clanged against her back in a soft, rhythmic pattern like a slightly-more-painful heartbeat as she moved along the walkway. Another door slid open at the hallway's end, revealing a spacious room.

Comfortable chairs lined the walls, accented by dark shelving and little hooks for stowing belongings. This room was as plush as the 50's entrance she'd just come from—though Chell wasn't sure why a room like this sat beneath a testing track.

A worn banner stretched across the opposing wall, one edge fallen onto the ground. Chell picked up the end and took a few steps back, stretching it out and craning her neck to read faded lettering.

Welcome Back Test Subjects!

A pre-recorded message flared to life before she could finish mouthing the words.

"In case one of those lazy test associates hasn't flagged you down yet," he growled, "you're going to want to take an immediate left. We've got a brand-new invention here that our engineers like to call the Advanced Knee Replacement. All you've gotta do it let us clamp the device on over your kneecaps and you'll be set. It's relatively painless—or so I'm told," he said with a slight laugh. "The heel springs should allow you to fall a considerable distance without feeling too much debilitating pain. Careful, though. We're not quite sure how far you can fall yet. We'll figure it out soon enough. Just be sure you attach them properly—if not, you're going to be in a world of pain when you land. Heh."

Chell took an immediate left into a similar room. Rows and rows of heel springs completely covered the left wall. Paper tags dangled from each pair, listing off measurements in a mixture of letters and numbers meant absolutely nothing to Chell. She felt as if she were lost in a foreign shoe store, wanting to try on a cute pair of shoes but unable to decipher any labels. Chell shrugged the Quantum Tunneling Device from her shoulders and flipped a switch to power it down.

She might be here for a while.

After rolling her dark sweatpants above her knees, she dragged a step-stool to the end of the line and stretched up on her toes. She pulled down each pair and measured them against her leg, though the vast majority extended far past her feet—more like stilts than leg supports.

These were intended for grown men, after all. Not twelve-year-old girls.

She moved farther down the line and the gap between heel and heel springs shrunk until she hit the smallest pair she could find. Though still a bit large, they'd manage. It wasn't like she planned on keeping them on for more than a few days.

She didn't want to put them on—once locked in, they'd require outside help to remove—but she didn't have a choice. She needed them if she was going to survive this testing track.

Chell took a deep breath and positioned half of the device in front of her kneecap, and pressed the back portion into the crook of skin behind her knee. She braced her leg against the desk and pushed, hard. A sliver of skin caught between, and pain flashed up. Chell immediately released, wincing.

She readjusted the pieces and then pushed harder and harder, pressure growing as if someone had wrapped their hands around her knee and squeezed.

Click.

The pressure lifted as the pieces latched into place. Chell took a moment brief moment to stretch out her foot, then moved on to her right leg. She repeated the process, face twisting until it clicked into place.

Perfect.

Chell took a few experimental steps and stumbled, not at all used to her weight being shifted so far forward. She wasn't used to walking like a ballerina en pointe; she'd never taken a dance class in her life. The only sport she'd ever tried—and been decent at— was gymnastics, and even then she hadn't had to walk on her toes.

As she shifted on her heels, she noticed a doorway labeled 'Fitting Test.'

Well, at least Aperture tried to make sure the fall devices worked properly before testing began. She stepped in and onto a ledge, expecting to find a complex test but only seeing a pit the size of an average bathroom. A blue substance dripped from an overhead vent and splattered onto the blue-stained panels at the bottom.

"With the help of our repulsion gel, this test should be no skin off your back. Just go on and jump down there. If they're on right, you'll bounce back with no problem. If they're not on right, you'll still bounce back—that's what the gel does, after all—but you'll just be in a considerable amount of pain. You'll know right away if the braces aren't working. Let's hope they work," said Cave's recording.

Chell paused at the edge then leaped, dropping through the air. She rebounded effortlessly like a tennis ball off concrete, then twisting back up toward the ceiling. The blue goo combined with the Advanced Knee Replacements made jumping and rebounding effortless—not to mention painless. This room was a trampoline. A giant, elaborate trampoline made purely of science.

A smile broke out on her face. For once, she couldn't be happier.

She aligned her feet and let herself freefall then bounce again. Though she was positive the fall devices worked properly— and she would've known if they weren't—landing incorrectly could still damage her legs.

With each successful bounce and fall her smile stretched wider and wider. A few bounces later her confidence rose high enough that she attempted a front flip, twirling high through the air like an Olympic diver before untwisting and rebounding.

The exhilaration of falling and flying in alternating cycles made her burst out laughing, a high and carefree sound so unlike her typical silence. She flipped again and again, twirling and smiling until her face hurt from the sheer joy of it.

The laughter continued until tears streamed down her face and her sides hurt and she couldn't breathe simply because she couldn't stop laughing.

It had been months since she felt this happy—so carefree and confident as if she could take on the world.

Oh, man, If only Doug could see her now.

The laughs eventually faded away as reality twisted back into focus. She couldn't let a moment of fun distract her from the seriousness of her situation.

On her next jump she landed neatly on the ledge, then exited the test subject waiting room altogether. The path forked a ways ahead, and a sense of familiarity overcame Chell.

This was it—this was the hallway she'd sprinted down to get away from Caroline, and the hallway that had lead her to the testing track in the first place.

She took off to the right, hardly daring to hope that the hallway's entrance remained unlocked like it had been earlier.

Chell threw her shoulder into the door, teeth clacking at the impact.

Thump.

The door didn't budge. Chell tried again.

Thump.

No movement.

Well, it'd been worth a shot—even if the jarring collision against the door sent another burst of excruciating pain through her painkillers she'd taken had only worked half as well as she'd liked—not that she should've hoped for anything else from a pill bottle she'd pulled out of a dusty desk.

In hindsight, she was surprised she wasn't on the ground puking from a reaction.

She should've known better than to get her hopes up.

That door wasn't just going to swing open, and she'd been stupid to think Caroline would've overlooked something like that. Chell sighed and leaned her forehead against the cool wall before turning away.

She trudged forward, metal heel springs scraped against the ground. Silent travel in Aperture had become impossible for her with the addition of both the bulky tunneling device and the Advanced Knee Replacements. Every so often she stumbled over an untied shoelace, forcing the heel spring to jerk forward and jab against the arch of her foot.

If she wasn't so worried about getting tetanus, she would've just gone barefoot.

A familiar green sign directed her to the testing track's entrance.

She bounced with every step, enjoying the effortless movements. She might as well have a bit of fun with these new 'shoes'—though she wasn't sure what bouncing around on experimental equipment while stranded in the depths of the science facility said about her idea of fun.

Besides, she thought as she stepped into the first chamber. The real fun's about to begin.


The gate slid shut, the motion silent and yet more terrifying than before.

With no test associate to come down and manually reset it, the chamber remained solved and Chell immediately noticed the ajar exit. Helpful. Not that this test had been difficult, though.

Chell moved on to the next test, hesitating before creeping back into the test chamber she'd just broken out of. She kept her steps light and hardly dared to breathe. Even though she knew Caroline would've made her presence known if she was still listening in, Chell couldn't shake the feeling that the speaker could click on at any moment.

The anticipation was worse than her voice itself.

But Caroline couldn't tear her down now—she had Advanced Knee Replacements clamped to her legs and a Quantum Tunneling Device strapped to her back. And while she assumed the portal device itself was functional, she hadn't actually tested it out yet. Not her brightest idea in hindsight.

If all else failed, at least she could escape again through that gap in the floor.

Not that she'd need to do that again. With these two devices, she would be unstoppable.


Silence reigned the next elevator ride. Unease and tension hung in the air.

Neither Doug nor Caroline spoke a word about what had happened.

The door hissed open, and Doug flicked a switched and his handheld portal device flickered to life. The sign down the hallway buzzed and flashed up the chamber's hazards.

18/19

Two more. There were only two more tests—this one and the next—until he could get out this place. As soon as he finished this testing track, he was going to quit his job and march out of here and never return.

The chamber floor dropped off and dipped into acid, then reappeared on the opposite side of the area. Doug took a few steps and frowned. The only portal panels besides the ones on the wall next to him were on the far side of the room—on the ceiling.

He sighed, then placed his portals. Hopefully the fall wouldn't be too painful.

Before he could step through, Caroline's voice jutted in.

"Well, that's it for me," she said, voice flatter than usual. "I've got a birthday party to go to. Have fun completing this test. And good luck," she said softly.

The speaker clicked off, the sound itself more prominent and audible, as if she'd powered down the device instead of lifting her finger from the record button.

Well, at least she wouldn't be around for a while. If he hurried he might even complete the testing track before her return.

Doug slipped through the portals, cradling the device and failing midair. He crash-landed, shoes skidding beneath him. The scientist took a long moment to make sure nothing was broken before moving. One at a time, he jabbed out his feet and rolled his ankles. Not sprained, surprisingly enough—though he couldn't keep this up for much longer. If he had to keep falling from the ceiling that that, eventually he'd slip up and break a leg.

He turned to look at the rest of chamber and was struck buy just how huge this test was. Acid coated the floor beneath every drop—and an unreasonable amount of portal-friendly surfaces were plastered on the ever-rising ceiling.

One more look at it became clear: Doug wouldn't be able to solve this test and leave this place alive.

He slowly rose to his feet, barely noticing as a voice hissed to his left.

"Hey!"

A moment later, it repeated.

"Hey! Old friend here, just trying to get your attention. I'd stop and listen if I were you," said the familiar voice of the personality sphere.

He twisted, trying to figure out just where that circular robot could be. Dark gray panels to his left rattled and jiggled, as if a person behind them was struggling—without avail— to push them away.

"You're just going to have to push!" said Wheatley. "I can't move those panels myself. I tried, I really did."

Doug's eyes widened, and he edged his way toward a two-square section of the gray wall and pressed both palms against it. He pushed, heart jumping as it skidded like a block of ice. The section above it slid away just as easily, and the scientist couldn't help but feel as if he was playing a life-sized game of Tetris.

As he slid into the room, the robot greeted him and spun in his casing.

"Ah, made it through," he said, raising his lower shutter. "I'll have you know that that was my most complex hack yet. You see those panels over there? The ones you dragged in? Bam. Deactivated all of 'em. All I had to do was pull out those cords," he said, trailing off. Doug glanced over at the huge outlets that stuck out of the wall, half of the plugs still dangling down.

"Okay, so pulling was a bit of an exaggeration," he said, glancing down. "Mostly I just hit them with my handle until they popped loose—I had to disconnect them from the main power grid, after all. Otherwise they'd be locked in place. Couldn't have moved them if you wanted to," said Wheatley. Doug gave a small smile, then gave the underside of the robot a pat.

Though this den didn't contain any portal-friendly surfaces, it was far more spacious than the failure of a den in the last chamber. In here, he could actually breathe. A fenced-off square in the center dropped down into acid, and a staircase extended to a rectangular catwalk above. This place didn't look like any side-room that should've been part of a test chamber—it just looked like any other part of Caroline's wing.

But instead of moving toward the stairs, Doug dragged the blocks into the back right corner. He waved over the robot and pulled out his pen.

SHE'S WATCHING YOU

With a scrawl of his red pen he repeated his drawing of the surveillance camera. To the side, he wrote out the word 'BEEP'—the same sound that Caroline's speakers made when the intercom came on.

Wheatley's shutters drew in. "I though she left?"

Doug shook his head. She'd left, but she'd be back soon enough. He sketched the red outline of a birthday cake, bright against the dim walls. A split-second later he drew a circle around it and slashed through it. Even though it was Caroline's birthday, he wouldn't be caught dead eating cake at that party.

Another few posters littered the ground, and Doug slapped them up one at a time.

Not Never but NOW

He wouldn't have to wait forever to get out of this testing track—no, he was getting out of here now, just like the poster said. Not never, but now. He leaned down and stuck the other one onto the wall.

Courage is Not

The Absence of Fear

An accurate enough message, he supposed—standing up to Caroline in the last chamber had taken a lot of courage, but he'd been terrified the entire time. And though his resolve had shrunk since that confrontation, he still needed to stay strong and get out of this testing track.

The robot whizzed up his rail and jabbed out his handles. "Aaand this room does, in fact, have an exit!" he said with a small nod. "Hate to interrupt whatever you're doing—just thought I'd, you know, point it out. There's a door in here. Right up those stairs."

He took a few hesitant steps up the staircase, glancing through the slats at the acid pit beneath. Though he wasn't sure what purpose acid served in a back-area like this, he didn't dwell on it.

"You have no idea how hard I worked to find an exit for you. She's got this place on lockdown, seriously," said Wheatley.

He took a few steps toward a standard gray door, expecting to jiggle the handle and find it locked. Instead, it stood slightly ajar.

Once again, Wheatley had done something right. That little robot had done it—he'd found another way out of the test chamber.

Henry had been wrong—this robot, from what he'd seen, was far from stupid. He messed things up and yes, he was a bit slow to learn—but for the other scientist to claim that Wheatley didn't posses the ability to learn was ridiculous. The personality sphere was sentient, after all; he had to be able to think on his feet while moving through Aperture.

Though a bit slow at times, he was still far from the moronic robot Henry made him out to be.

Doug swallowed and pushed his way through the door.

He hadn't planned this far ahead.

Up to this point, he'd had a two-part goal: get out of these chambers, and get Chell out of Aperture. But now that he was free, he didn't know what to do next.

He took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes for a moment. Wheatley studied the scientist's face for a long moment before piping up.

"Something, ah, wrong?" he said, voice sincere.

Doug shook his head, and Wheatley couldn't tell if he nodded yes or no.

"Well, we'd best keep moving, then. You know she'll be livid when she comes back. And if you have to go back in that chamber—well, there's a high possibility that you'll die."

He closed the door behind him, then jogged to catch up with the robot. Wheatley wheeled along beside him, happy to continue chatting away. If Doug hadn't been so tired, he might've made an attempt to quiet him down.

"Without those special boots of yours, I don't know how'd you survive those drops. And oho, did you see the rest of the chamber? Turrets. Energy pellets. Acid. She really didn't hold back," he said with a slight laugh. "Not sure what you did to make her angry."

Doug didn't answer, and instead let the robot drift ahead and take the lead until he got more acquainted with his surroundings. Even without Caroline physically being here, the soft red glow and quiet ambiance of this place reminded him so much of her.

"Ooh, and I'll bet you'll never guess what the last chamber ends in," he said, optic darting from left to right as he whizzed onward.

He didn't even bother to wait for Doug's response before continuing.

"An incinerator!" he said with another disbelieving laugh. "It's almost like she doesn't want you to leave that place alive."

Doug shot a glare at the personality sphere. They'd barely managed to break him out of that chamber, and all Wheatley could focus on was testing. Typical Aperture.

"Ooh, I just realized—" The robot broke off, optic shrinking to a pinprick. "That's probably the point, innit? A set of impossible yet technically solvable tests hidden away, ending with an incinerator to get rid of, well," he swallowed, "the bodies. Wouldn't want them to just sit there and get progressively smellier. That's what happens to dead humans—they get smelly. Not that I would know from experience," he said. "It's all up here. In my mind."

Doug's stomach churned—what Wheatley said made far too much sense. Caroline had gone to such lengths to hide an entire testing track. Of course no one else would know about it. If the robot was right, then no one would ever make it out alive to tell the tale.

He leaned against the wall, exhaustion creeping in with every exhale of adrenal vapor. Though the robot above him could babble on tirelessly, Doug's tiredness only grew. If today really was Caroline's birthday, then he'd gone longer than he'd thought without resting.

He rubbed at his heavy eyes, blinking to wake himself up. "Hey Wheatley," he said. The robot gave him a fidgety look. "I need you to find someplace I can take a quick nap," he said.

"How about, ah, there?" Wheatley called, and he followed him around a corner. The robot raised a handle and flicked his gaze over to the right.

An air duct sat at the bottom of the wall—a perfect, out-out-view place to duck into. Doug crouched, setting his portal device on the floor before wrapping his fingers through the chilled metal slates.

Creak.

He pulled, hard, and the entire grate popped off like a bottle cap. The metal grate clanged as he propped it against the wall.

Well—that'd been easier than he'd expected.

Doug picked up his portal device and slid it forward, then hefted himself up into the shiny duct. He crouched at the edge, turning back to the robot.

"Wheatley," he said. The robot's optic widened.

"What? Something wrong?" said the robot, gaze darting. "Ah, I knew I should've picked a better spot. That one's not quality at all. Sorry 'bout that."

"No, it's fine," said Doug, waving a hand dismissively. Though "I just wanted to say thank you."

"Oh," the robot said, momentarily at a loss for words. "I, uh—well, you're welcome. Least I could do," he said with a nervous chuckle. " Had to put all of those hacking skills to use, after all."

neither said it, both of them knew Wheatley had undoubtedly saved the scientist's life. "I'll take it from here," said Doug. "But again, thank you."

"Guess I'll see you later, then," he said. The robot blinked, then watched the man for a split-second longer before rolling away.

As soon as they'd turned the corner, Doug had recognized this area. He didn't need the robot's guidance anymore, at this point his chattering would cause more harm than good.

Besides, he could hardly think straight and all he needed was a quick nap. After that he'd get out of here. He crawled through the duct and slipped into a tight room, stretching out his arms and popping his neck.

Though the ground was slick and hard, Doug bunched up his coat into a makeshift pillow and gave one final jaw-popping yawn before curling up and falling asleep.


A/N: This chapter is more or less the second half of the previous chapter. It's not a terribly exciting chapter, but I needed to explain a few things.

The Advanced Knee Replacements always seemed like a Old Aperture invention to me. Oh, and the graffiti does stop at Chamber 18, so I figured that Doug must've gotten out there. Otherwise I'm not sure how he would've survived.

Anyways, the next chapter will be focused around Caroline and I am excited to write it.