The Headmaster's Office
Chapter 4
Harry's feet hit solid ground; his knees buckled a little and Sirius quickly helped Harry to the chair as he took the other one, "How are you feeling?"
Harry simply nodded, unable to talk. His entire body felt heavy and every movement in his muscle and joints ached. To make matters worse, he had a throbbing headache.
Harry suddenly remembered. "Sirius-the Ministry, they saw you..."
Sirius patted him on the knee. "Don't worry about it. Dumbledore has got it under control at the moment."
Even as he said it, Sirius couldn't help but feel panic bubbling inside him. Would he be going to Azkaban again? Just when he had nearly lost his godson, would he be forced to lose him again too?
Harry blurted, "This is my fault. If I hadn't been stupid enough to believe that vision-"
Sirius said softly, "Harry, stop blaming yourself; you didn't know. As far as I'm concerned, it's Dumbledore's fault he never mentioned it to you that there was ever a possibility of Voldemort trying to manipulate you."
One of the sleeping portraits gave a huff and Sirius' eyes darted around him trying to catch the perpetrator.
"But that's why he made me learn Occlumency! I didn't make an effort to learn and with Snape teaching me-"
Harry trailed off miserably as he stared out the window where a cool line of pale green along the horizon was visible: dawn was approaching.
"What is your mistake though-" Sirius said slowly, watching Harry carefully. "-was you going after Bellatrix. You didn't possibly think you were going to defeat her, did you?"
Harry exhaled slowly as he hung his head. After a moment, Harry spoke, "I couldn't stand her, running around freely, when you have to hide and then what she did to-"
His eyes widened as he remembered earlier, when Bellatrix had thrown a hex at Sirius. "What did she do to you?"
"Bone-Breaking Hex. Kingsley healed it, I guess." Sirius absently rubbed his right side as he stood up and walked towards the window.
"You should go to the Hospital Wing..." Harry had jumped out of his seat, walked towards the door and turned the doorknob. Only it wouldn't turn.
A few of the portraits stirred and Sirius looked around him mildly amused.
"I hope this means," said the corpulent, red-nosed wizard who hung on the wall behind the Headmaster's desk, "that Dumbledore will soon be back among us?"
Harry turned to watch the wizard surveying him with interest, but it was Sirius who answered, "Yes."
"Oh good," said the wizard. "It has been very dull without him, very dull indeed."
Sirius scoffed. "You're a portrait! No doubt your life is dull."
"If that isn't my insolent great-great-grandson?" came the cool voice of Phineas Nigellus.
Sirius rolled his eyes, looking for all the world like an immature teenager. "I'm not talking to you, Phineas." Clearly, there was some bad blood there, Harry thought to himself.
Sirius turned his back to the grumbling portrait, watching the impending dawn from his place near the window, a frown marring his features. Harry walked back to the chair and sat down, resting his head on his propped up arm on the desk.
He didn't know how long either of them stood like that, but after it seemed ages, the empty fireplace burst into emerald green flames making Sirius leap away from his place near the window. Harry started, and recognizing the Headmaster, stood up.
As Dumbledore's tall form stepped out of the grate, the witches and wizards on the surrounding walls jerked awake, many of them giving cries of welcome.
"Thank you," said Dumbledore softly.
"Well, Harry," said Dumbledore, finally turning away from the baby Phoenix that he placed on its perch, "you will be pleased to hear that none of your fellow students are going to suffer lasting damage from the night's events."
Harry tried to say, 'Good', but no sound came out. He felt incredibly guilty and conscious of the fact that it was his own stupidity that had led them all to the Ministry.
"Madam Pomfrey is patching everybody up," this he directed towards Sirius. "Nymphadora Tonks may need to spend a little time in St. Mungo's, but it seems she will make a full recovery."
Sirius nodded in relief. "That's good."
Dumbledore walked up to his chair and sat down, gesturing for Sirius to sit. Harry though, remained standing, his eyes fixed on a cabinet on Dumbledore's right.
After a moment, he mustered the courage to say what had to be said.
"I'm sorry," said Harry, his voice still quite hoarse after the amount of screaming he had done.
"It's not your fault alone, Harry," Dumbledore said softly.
Harry shook his head, guilt welling up inside him. He had led his friends to danger for nothing.
"It is! If I hadn't been stupid enough to believe him, I-"
"That blame, lies with me and me alone, Harry. You should never have believed for an instant that there was any necessity for you to go the Department of Mysteries tonight. If I had been open with you, Harry, as I should have been, you would have known a long time ago that Voldemort might try and lure you to the Department of Mysteries, and you would never have been tricked into going there tonight."
Harry was gazing at Dumbledore, listening but not quite understanding what he was hearing.
"Please, sit down," requested Dumbledore. Harry obliged as he walked forward and sat on the edge of his seat, still not meeting Dumbledore's eyes.
Sirius was staring at Dumbledore, his expression stony.
"I owe you an explanation, Harry," said Dumbledore. "An explanation of an old man's mistakes."
Dumbledore sighed as he glimpsed the sun rising from the window. Harry contented himself with looking down at the desk between them.
Dumbledore addressed him, "I guessed fifteen years ago, when I saw the scar on your forehead, what it might mean. I guessed that it might be the sign of a connection forged between you and Voldemort. Shortly after you rejoined the wizarding world, it became apparent, that I was correct, and that your scar was giving you warnings when Voldemort was close to you, or else feeling powerful emotion. And this ability has become more and more pronounced since Voldemort returned to his own body and his full powers."
Harry nodded to show he was listening, eyes still fixed on the desk, but he couldn't help but frown in confusion.
Dumbledore explained how Voldemort had been attempting to look inside Harry's mind.
Sirius had placed a hand on Harry's shoulder and squeezed him tightly. But Harry couldn't help but feel as though he was dirty and contaminated, same as the night he had witnessed Mr. Weasley's attack. He wanted to shrug away from his godfather's touch, but it took a great deal of will power to refrain from doing so.
Dumbledore then told him how Voldemort had realised the connection in his mind and why Snape was assigned to teach him Occlumency as it was of great urgency.
"But I didn't," muttered Harry. "I didn't practise, I didn't bother. I could've stopped myself having those dreams. Hermione kept telling me to do it. If I had, he'd never have showed me where to go, and-"
Something was erupting inside Harry's head: a need to justify himself, to explain...
Harry looked at Sirius beseechingly. "I tried to check he'd really taken you. I went to Umbridge's office. I spoke to Kreacher in the fire and he said you weren't there. He said you'd gone!"
Sirius looked shocked as if this was news to him.
Dumbledore replied calmly, "Kreacher lied."
Sirius erupted, jumping from his chair, "What?"
Dumbledore spoke to Sirius, "Kreacher lied to Harry, he could lie to him without needing to punish himself." He turned towards Harry, "Kreacher intended for you to go to the Ministry of Magic."
Harry could only watch horrified at this revelation. Sirius was striding towards the fireplace, furious, "That bloody beast! I'M KILLING HIM NOW!"
Dumbledore raised a hand as if to explain, "Sirius, please wait-"
"THAT WORTHLESS GRIME IS THE REASON MY GODSON NEARLY DIED TONIGHT!" roared Sirius, looking for all the world like the murderer, the world claimed he was.
"This is exactly why Kreacher acted out as he did, Sirius!" Dumbledore's voice was slightly louder as he stared at Sirius, willing him to calm down.
Sirius was fuming as he grudgingly stopped himself from jumping into the fireplace. His grey eyes were boring into Dumbledore's, demanding an explanation.
"Kreacher told me last night, that when you ordered Kreacher to 'get out,' he interpreted it as an order to apparently get away from the house. He went to the only Black member for whom he had any respect left... your cousin Narcissa and her sister Bellatrix."
Sirius growled and paced the length of the room, muttering a string of profanities. Harry felt sick at this revelation. He remembered worrying about Kreacher's absence over Christmas, and how he had turned up in better spirits...
After a moment, Dumbledore continued speaking to Harry. "You see, when you gave Professor Snape that cryptic warning, he realised that you had had a vision of Sirius trapped in the bowels of the Department of Mysteries. He attempted to contact Sirius at once and found him safe in Grimmauld Place. I should explain that members of the Order of the Phoenix have more reliable methods of communicating than the fire in Dolores Umbridge's office."
At that moment, Sirius stopped his furious pacing as he rounded on Harry, "Why didn't you use the mirror?"
Harry was perplexed. "Mirror? What mirror?"
"The mirror I gave you after Christmas. James and I used it to communicate when we were in separate detentions. I had it on me all along," he said as he pulled out a small, square mirror from his pocket.
"You never opened it," said Sirius, realization dawning on him, sounding somewhat dejected.
Harry, feeling completely stupid for not opening his godfather's parting gift, felt like sinking into the floor. He had thought he would never use the gift when Sirius had given it to him, to stop Sirius from doing something immature, when he himself had done the same. If only he had used it...
Dumbledore watched Harry with mild interest. "Once Professor Snape realized you had not come back from the forest, he alerted the Order at once."
Sirius nodded at Dumbledore, mouth pulled into a grimace. "Yeah. I left behind that wretched elf to inform you as soon as you came to Headquarters."
"You should never have left Headquarters tonight, Sirius," said Dumbledore sombrely.
Sirius had curled his fists, looking quite menacing as the first time Harry saw him in the Shrieking Shack. "If you thought I was going to stand-by and wait around, when my godson was in danger, you're wrong, Dumbledore!"
Dumbledore said quietly, "I understand why you did what you did, Sirius. But it is not helping matters for a wanted man with a ten-thousand galleon price on his head to simply show up at the Ministry."
Sirius deflated a bit, all his pent-up anger let out in a breath. He rubbed his eyes as he swore under his breath.
Harry however spoke up, angry at Dumbeldore on his godfather's behalf. "People don't like being locked up! You did it to me all last summer!"
Dumbledore closed his eyes and rubbed a weary hand over them, removing his spectacles in the process. Harry glanced at Sirius, who was staring avidly at Dumbledore.
"It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down, Sirius. I am going to need your help."
Sirius walked forward dumbly as he took his seat again. Harry was alarmed to note the shadow of fear that passed over Sirius' face. He looked at Sirius questioningly, but Sirius simply looked at him searchingly then put a hand on his thigh as if to reassure him, which just made Harry more puzzled.
Dumbledore stared for a moment at the sunlit grounds outside the window, then looked back at Harry and said, "Five years ago you arrived at Hogwarts, Harry, safe and whole, as I had planned and intended. Well-not quite whole. You had suffered. I knew you would when I left you on your aunt and uncle's doorstep. I knew I was condemning you to ten dark and difficult years."
Sirius made a choking sound as he mumbled, "Some godfather I am..."
Dumbledore looked at him apologetically, "Sirius, I have said it before and I will say it again. I should have requested for your trial that night, instead of believing you to be guilty..."
Sirius looked at Dumbledore, his eyes pleading. "You know, as much as I realize you had no way of knowing the switch, I don't understand how you could have so readily believed me to be guilty. You vouched for Snape, when he was a Death Eater, but I've been in the Order since I left Hogwarts. Hadn't I made it clear every single day, that I hated my family and what they stood for? Didn't I show my loyalty enough?"
Harry placed his hand on top of Sirius' that was resting on his leg and squeezed. It hurt and saddened him to realize how betrayed Sirius must have felt, when the entire world turned against him. Like this whole year was for me, Harry thought morosely. At least he had had Ron and Hermione with him. But Sirius hadn't had even that luxury, as even Lupin and Dumbledore had suspected him.
Dumbledore closed his eyes and when he opened them, Harry was alarmed to see tears in those piercing blue eyes. "I don't think I ever deserve your forgiveness, Sirius. I quite understand, if you do not accept my apology."
Sirius shook his head as he muttered, "It doesn't matter. What's done is done."
Dumbledore sighed, looking older than ever as he looked at Harry, "It is cruel that I deprived you of a life with Sirius. It was what James and Lily had wished for, should anything happen to them. But, as you know, circumstances were out of hand. I had to keep you safe that night, because you were in more danger, than perhaps anyone but I, realised. Voldemort had been vanquished hours before, but his supporters-and many of them are almost as terrible as he-were still at large, angry, desperate and violent."
Dumbledore explained that he had trusted the ancient magic of the bond of blood and left him with his aunt.
"She doesn't love me," said Harry at once. "She doesn't give a damn-"
"But she took you," Dumbledore cut across him. "She may have taken you grudgingly, furiously, unwillingly, bitterly, yet still she took you, and in doing so she sealed the charm I placed upon you. Your mother's sacrifice made the bond of blood the strongest shield I could give you. You need return there only once, but as long as you can still call home the place where your mother's blood dwells, there you cannot be touched or harmed by Voldemort. Your aunt knows this. I explained what I had done in the letter I left with you."
Sirius found his voice, seething, "Still call that place home? Did it escape your omniscient self what those people do to him there?"
"I had Arabella Figg watch over him-"
"AND A FAT LOT OF GOOD IT DID TO HIM!" Sirius yelled, now standing up. "The first night I saw him, Dumbledore, the first thing I did after Azkaban, was to watch my godson running away from that wretched place! What happens there that is so horrible that he decides to run away from home when he's just thirteen? I was stupid to not realise that at that time, but didn't you ever take the time to notice? Do you think Lily would want to see her son be raised by that bitch of her sister? That woman didn't even have the heart to come to her own sister's wedding!"
He rounded on Harry but still spoke, addressing Dumbledore, "Do you think I didn't notice how malnourished he was when he showed up at my house this summer? Do you think I can't see the signs of him being neglected in that vile place? And you say you had people watching over Harry all these years, yeah right..."
Dumbledore asked softly, "Where else do you think I should have left Harry then, Sirius?"
Sirius looked as if he'd been slapped. Wanting to break the tension that was building up, Harry suddenly remembered something, "Wait a moment, it was you. You sent that Howler."
"I thought," said Dumbledore, inclining his head slightly, "that she might need reminding of the pact she had sealed by taking you. I suspected the Dementor attack might have awoken her to the dangers of having you as a surrogate son."
Sirius growled. "Like she ever treated him as one!"
Harry privately agreed with Sirius, but chose to reply to Dumbledore, "Well, my uncle more than her, he wanted to chuck me out. But after the Howler came-she said I had to stay."
"About the only time, she used some sense," said Sirius.
Apparently satisfied that Sirius had calmed relatively, Dumbledore continued as if there had been no interruption...
oOo
...
"That power took you to save Sirius tonight," Dumbledore nodded at Sirius, who was squeezing Harry's shoulder again.
"That power also saved you from possession by Voldemort, because he could not bear to reside in a body so full of the force he detests. In the end, it mattered not that you could not close your mind. It was your heart that saved you."
Harry closed his eyes, remembering the intense pain, worse than he had ever experienced in his life that had taken him when Voldemort had possessed him. He remembered the agony he had endured and involuntarily shuddered. The weight of Sirius' hand on his shoulder kept him grounded.
Sirius was here, safe and alive.
Not exactly safe, seeing as the entire Ministry had just seen him in the open. Anxiety rose within him and more to just stave off the inevitable, Harry asked, "The end of the prophecy… it was something about… 'neither can live…'"
"'…while the other survives,'" said Dumbledore.
"So, does that mean that… that one of us has got to kill the other one… in the end?"
"Yes," said Dumbledore.
Harry looked away and watched the sun rising, hearing voices outside the office, perhaps of students going to the Great Hall for an early breakfast. He felt miles away from those people, and for a moment he selfishly wished he was one of them, without the burden of a prophecy and a murderer hell-bent on killing him.
"I feel I owe you another explanation, Harry," said Dumbledore hesitantly. "You may, perhaps, have wondered why I never chose you as a prefect? I must confess… that I rather thought… you had enough responsibility to be going on with."
Harry looked up at him and saw a tear trickling down Dumbledore's face into his long silver beard.
Abruptly, Harry stood up. Sirius looked startled but Harry wanted to get away from this room; he wanted to get away from himself, he wanted nothing more than to be away from it all.
"I'm going for a walk," he mumbled and before Sirius could get up, he had walked away from the office, the door clanging shut.
oOo
Dumbledore watched Harry scrambling to leave the room. He perfectly understood Harry's need to be alone. Sirius got up immediately and went to the door. He turned the doorknob but it remained shut. He turned to look at Dumbledore inquisitively.
"I believe his accidental magic made it so, that we would not follow him," said Dumbledore, resignedly.
Sirius, still with his hand on the doorknob, said, "He shouldn't be alone right now. There's no saying what is going on in his head."
Just then, an owl swooped into his office from the open window and dropped an official-looking envelope on his desk. Dumbledore opened it and read through the letter. It was an official summons for Sirius and also the date of a trial had been decided.
He relayed the information to Sirius, who looked as if he had forgotten what the consequences were to his little trip into the Ministry.
"I promise you, Sirius, I will do everything in my power to get your name cleared. I owe you and Harry that much at least," said Dumbledore with quiet conviction.
Sirius was looking at him with a faraway look in his eyes before he nodded. Dumbledore waved his wand and the door to his office opened. Sirius left without a backward glance.
Dumbledore sighed as he put his face in his hands. He knew how much Harry meant to Sirius and he to him and felt a pang of guilt. The decisions he had made in regard to Sirius and Harry were no doubt two of the biggest mistakes he had made in his life. They had been far too alone and deprived of each other and that was partially his fault. Lily and James would not have approved of what he had done so far in regards to their son.
He stood up from his chair and walked towards the window, taking in the beautiful view of his school. The grounds were empty and the trees in the Forbidden Forest swayed gently, its leaves rustling.
He felt so old and burdened, but it was a burden he had to take, if Harry would ever have a chance at a normal life. He owed it to Harry after everything he had put him through. Harry was already growing up and it would be foolish to deny him his godfather any further.
Even as he thought so, his mind was leaping to what the consequences of Sirius being freed and getting his legal guardianship would do to his plan. He had no doubt it was something the both of them would want. Harry would lose the blood protection from his mother if he left the Dursleys. But, he could not deny that the blood protection was a barrier that Voldemort had overcome last June. It certainly did not protect him from Dementors last summer. He could not deny what Sirius had insinuated, the neglect Harry was facing at his house. Was it worth risking Harry's safety?
He gazed at the Black Lake, mesmerized at the dance of sunlight in the sparkling water. He watched a lone figure walking up to the lake. He had no doubt who that was and it saddened him deeply to see him walking hunched forward, his hands in his pockets. One boy should not have the weight of the world on his shoulders.
A loud bark echoing across the grounds caused Harry to turn around and the familiar bear-like dog bounded up to him. It sniffed his hands, and Dumbledore watched as Harry absent-mindedly scratched behind its ears, both of them walking silently up to the lake. They didn't return for a long while and Dumbledore made up his mind.
