A/N – Don't own them. Not making any cash. Deamon Fire suggested doing Jacob and Selmak separately. Darth Tater suggested the whole 'Sam Jack' subplot (not the betting, that is, I own that) so thanks guys!

Wow, thirteen reviews! Thanks everyone!

CrystalClear444 – maybe…Anise…hmmm…that has definite possibilities…

Thanks to: Trinitystargazer3, pand (×3), lia-fin, Bekki Beekeeper, Nikki, Soozeh, Knightgirl4Jack, supershipper, Darth Tater and Deamon Fire

The reporter was almost visibly cringing as he hesitantly turned to Jacob of the Tau'ri and Selmak of the Tok'ra. Not only were they…part alien? But they were bound to be certifiable too. The reporter was not disappointed.

"Well, son, this is Jacob speaking," said the portly retired General. "And I like doing that. Makes me sound This is Jacob Carter, retired General speaking on behalf of himself and his alien … umm … 'friend' Selmak, who lives in his head. I need to rehearse that…"

Eyes flashed and a metallic sounding voice said:

"This is Selmak of the Tok'ra. Jacob was about to go on another of his sanity lapses. A side effect of the bonding I'm afraid…sanity lapses…they are fun to experience, as you sit there and watch the Green Fairy singing 'The hills are alive…with the sound of music!' I enjoy being circumspect when talking to Tau'ri, and placing bets on Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill without Jacob's knowledge. I mean, there are things I don't have to share with him…thank goodness, otherwise I'd have R-rated memories being called for during important briefings…Jacob would like to speak."

"Yeah, Selmak has some really HOT memories like the time when she and her host K- "

"Selmak again. Yes, Jacob has some dirt which I don't particularly want to have spread around the galaxy. Back to calming down techniques; in addition to the two I said before, I enjoy setting Anise/Freya on various cultures…she's such a sl- conniving little girl. I also enjoy being on 'missions' cos it makes us sound really rebellious, but we mostly sit around and eat and talk with a few old friends… Not letting Jacob drink coffee is amusing as well, to see how he reacts. It's amazing how dependent you Tau'ri are on coffee! And winding Colonel O'Neill up is very amusing. But the main one I'd say would be convincing Jacob that Sam and Jack should be together-"

Jacob abruptly took control.

"NO! I will not accept it! My smart, nice little Sammie-wammy could NEVER be with horrible, mean, nasty, C4 loving Jack O'Neill, the Irish bast- scumbag. That brings me to the third thing that relaxes me – thinking up ways to kill Jack. Or Narim. Or Felger. Or McKay. Or any guy – yes Martouf, that includes YOU who looks at my Sammie twice. Fourth thing – ways to torture Jack O'Neill. And to kill him – wait, I already said that didn't I? Hmmm…annoying Sam by being an overprotective father is always good fun, and embarrassing her by telling amusing anecdotes about her youth always yields an argument. Defying Selmak is always good, for the same reason. Now, the inter-galactic betting pool/grapevine is ALWAYS such fun…betting not just on the SGC, but on which loser Anise/Freya will sleep with next, Thor's newest catastrophe, and the poll on whether or not Anubis has a huge pimple on his butt…"

Having finally retrieved seven, the reporter yanked the microphone away from that nutty general. And gulped as he saw the next person in line…