Disclaimer: Everything recognizable belongs to Janet Evanovich. I am only borrowing them. Thank you for allowing us to use your amazing characters for fun! Thanks for all of the kind reviews and a special thanks to Heather who has been so amazing through this!

-chapter-6

SPOV

Several months have passed since that night with Ranger, and we're approaching winter. The holidays are around the corner and so far, everything has fallen back into a pattern. I was pretty much healed, albeit with two really long, ugly scars on my left side down to my hip. I guess I don't have to worry about bikini season just yet. The awkwardness and distance we had when Ranger left after his birthday has dissolved. He returned a couple of weeks later and acted like nothing had ever happened.

Joe and I have developed a comfortable friendship and he's dating a few women but nothing serious yet. Ranger keeps himself busy and I don't see much of him. I still can't shake the feeling that I need a change and the dread that I want to avoid is getting closer and closer. I try to push it away and throw myself into work. I even added some self-defense and gun training at Rangeman. I'm at a loss as to what I want to do about a new job, but I know I can't be a BEA forever.

The holidays came and went, and nothing has changed except my disastrous episodes are getting fewer and farther between. I'm trying to keep myself busy because the uneasiness I feel is overwhelming at times. I still can't shake the feeling that something needs to change. I try not to dwell on it, and I'm successful at it most of the time, but I know that I am going to have to face it, whatever it is.

This Friday, Mary Lou and I have a girls night planned. She's finally able to get away from the fam for the night and we're going to take full advantage. The night arrives and I'm supposed to pick her up at 6:30 and I have about an hour to get ready. Thank goodness I didn't have any mishaps today and my hair is good enough. I spend the rest of my time on makeup and picking out the right outfit. I don't feel like heels, so I pair my skinny jeans, a form fitting sweater with my new pair of Uggs that I got for Christmas. My mom probably expected me to get a cookbook with the gift card but Oh well! I grab my coat and purse and head out to my car. The drive to Mary Lou's is about ten minutes and I text her after I pull up into the driveway. She hurries out the door and jumps in the car. "Hurry up. Let's go!" she says with urgency. "Lenny doesn't realize he has to make the kids clean their rooms before bed."

I give her a strange look so she continues. "Yesterday, Lenny discovered that the kids' rooms were really messy. He overreacted and demanded that they clean them up...by today. Well, that's not enough time and even though they were working on them when they got home from school today, they are by no means clean. Soooo, I wanted to get out of there before he blames me."

"Why would he blame you?" I ask, not knowing how the parenting thing works. "Because he is going to think that the kids have done nothing since last night when he made that demand! They actually have been working on them since they've gotten home but the way kids work is 80% playing with stuff they haven't seen in a while, and 20% actually cleaning up. That's the way it works," Lou says with a shrug. I laugh. She is such a good mom. I almost think that I want to be a mom someday...almost.

"So," I begin. I haven't gotten to talk to her is so long, I wasn't wasting my opportunity to get her advice on a few things. "I've been thinking..."

"Uh oh," Lou interjects. "Do we need to be drunk for this?"

I smile. "Maybe."

"Ok what is it?" she asks as I pull into the parking lot of the Cheesecake Factory.

"I can wait. Go put our name on the list and come back out. We can sit in the car while we wait for our table. They look really busy," I say as I pull up to the doors. It takes her about 10 minutes, and she is back in the nice warm car so we can have all of the privacy we need for this conversation. "I don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm stationary, not moving toward any particular goal. I'm stuck. I don't want to get back together with Joe or anything, but I miss that. I miss having a relationship. I feel like a kid that doesn't know what they want to be when they grow up except, I am grown up. I feel like life is passing me by and that pretty soon I'm gonna be old and I won't have a man or a job that I can do." I end with a sigh like I have just unloaded a ton of weight from my soul.

Mary Lou takes a deep breath. "Ok, let's start with the job part. What would you like to do?"

"I don't know. I have a business degree, but I don't think I can be in an office doing the same thing day after day."

"OK, what about what you are doing now?" she asks.

"I like being a BEA. Well, at least I like parts of the job. I like the chase. I like that my schedule is flexible. I like that I am doing a public service." I pause and then continue. "I don't like when I roll in garbage or get shot at or have my cars blown up. Look, I know I can't do that forever, but I have tried other things and they make me crazy." I give her a look. "If you say they button factory is hiring then I am taking you home to deal with Lenny and his clean up order."

Mary Lou gives me a frightened look. "Okay Steph, I know you. I think you would be great at a lot of things. You are so friendly and personable; you could work in customer service or sales. Couldn't your business degree get you a job like that?"

I ponder that for a few moments. "Maybe, this is so hard. I guess growing up wanting to be Wonder Women isn't really paying off. Why couldn't I have wanted to be a nurse or a teacher?" I ask.

Mary Lou responds strongly with, "Because that's not you. That's what your mother wanted for you. You were never going to be happy with that. You were made to fly. You were made to fight crime and wear red leather boots and carry a lasso..."

"Okay, Okay, I get it." I interject. Mary Lou makes me smile. She knows me better than anyone. "So, I just have to look for a job where I can wear my costume under my clothes."

Mary Lou giggles. "Yeeessss!" She looks at her watch. "We still have another 20 minutes until we need to head in," she says.

"Seriously, Mare, What am I going to do?"

"Let's skip to the next part. This is the part that I think is really what's driving your unsettled-ness. Is that a word?" She looks at me quizzically. "Anyways, you know what I mean. What do you want to do about a relationship?"

"I don't want to get back together with Joe, if that's what you're thinking," I say in a rush.

"Okay, so who do you want to have a relationship with if it's not Joe? Since I don't see you doing social things like looking for eligible men and I know you run away from every guy your mom brings home to dinner..."

"She set me up with a serial killer!" I say with eyebrows raised to emphasize my point.

"Fair enough, but then answer the question. Who do you want to have a relationship with?"

I stare out the window contemplating my answer. I bit my lip. "I need a drink for this," I reply.

"No, you need to face this. Who. Do. You. Want?" she asks again.

"I've never said it out loud," I mumble. "It won't work. He's not relationship material. He carries two guns and a knife..."

"Two guns and a knife sound perfect for your crime fighting, Wonder Woman ways," she adds with a big smile on her face. She's silent for a few moments. "Ranger would be a fool to not want you. Have you told him?"

"Told him what?" I ask nervously. Mare is my oldest friend in the whole world. I should have known she would be able to see right through me.

"That you love him," she says simply. Oh, how I wish it were that simple! I close my eyes and one tear slips out and slides down my face. She squeezes my hand and I sit there trying to process all that she has said. I know I have to face this eventually, but I am not sure I can yet.

"He's been really honest with me about his stance on relationships. I'm afraid that I will lose his friendship. I'm stuck." I admit.

"What would Wonder Woman do?" she asks as she pulls her vibrating phone out of her pocket. "Our table is ready," she says as she looks over at me. "You will be okay whatever you decide to do."

God, I love Mary Lou, she knows just the right thing to say. I take one last cleansing breath. "Let's go eat, I need a piece of cheesecake after that discussion," I say as I open the door.

The rest of the evening we spend talking about my job, Mare's family and Burg gossip. Nothing heavy. I pull into her driveway, and she looks at me, making no move to get out. "I know we got sidetracked before, but I want to circle back to the job question. What is your plan?" She asks.

"Uh," I stammer.

"You need a plan. You don't have to have the answer, but you do need to plan out how you are going to get to your answer. It can be a short-term goal like taking one of those job matching tests. Getting online and searching job openings..."

"Training!" I blurt out. "The last time I was kidnapped, I promised myself that I would get training so I would know how to get out of a trunk. I would really like to know how to open cuffs and doors. Oh, I would really like to know how to hot wire a car. And maybe how to identify a car bomb." I pause when Mary Lou bursts out laughing.

"Oh My Goodness Steph! You are too funny! I want to know how to make hot chocolate bombs and you want to know how to diffuse a bomb. We are so different, and I love it!" She gives me a hug and she slips out of the car and heads back to her life. I am thankful for her insight and have a lot to think about.

A few weeks pass and I find out that Joe is dating a nice girl that recently moved into the burg and he got her pregnant. Oops. I hope that he really wants to settle down and that he's happy. I just know that's not me. Meanwhile, I want to put my short-term plan into action so I enlist some Merry Men to help me with training. Surprisingly, several guys volunteer and my evenings fill up quickly with training sessions. I really am glad I talked to Mary Lou about this.

More time passes and I have a little nest egg now and am no longer living paycheck to paycheck. I have stopped "rolling in garbage" and needing a superhero rescue. It feels good to grow up. I wonder if Ranger is keeping his distance since Joe and I are really, really done. I can never figure out why he distances himself when I am free of Joe. Isn't he supposed to be an opportunist?

So, currently I am at my biweekly self-defense training with Woody. I catch a glimpse of Ranger standing by the door with a hint of a smile. We take a break to get a drink of water and he walks over. "Dinner tonight on 7? I have a job I want to run by you"

"Sure, what time?" I ask.

"1800, I am tied up in meetings until then."

I look at my watch. I have a few hours to go home shower and get ready. "See you then."

And with that he's gone. I look at Woody and nod my head toward the mats, wanting to get back to work. Our sessions usually last about an hour but today we go longer so I can work on getting out of more complex holds. Sweaty and tired, I head out of the building, back to my apartment. I park at the back of the lot; figures, no parking karma for me. I rush into my building before my sweat freezes and am greeted by Mrs. Besler in the elevator. She says the usual, "Second floor, better dresses" and I respond with, "Stay warm".

Inside my apartment, I peel off my clothes and head for the shower. I usually like to spend as long as I can in the there, but today I can't seem to get the water warm enough. I hurry and do the bare minimum before shutting off the taps and climbing out.

I attempt to corral my hair before throwing on sweats and a hoodie. I head to Dillon's apartment to let him know that the hot water isn't hot, and I'm surprised to find him at the door of his neighbor. I approach as they are discussing the hot water situation and much to my disappointment, I hear him say, "I've already called for a repair, but they are so backed up, I don't know when the hot water will be fixed. If it isn't fixed soon, the pipes will freeze, and we will have an even bigger problem."

Ugh. Not what I want to hear. I return to my apartment and pull out my phone, texting Ranger.

Steph: Hey, can I crash at 7 tonight? My hot water is out at my apartment.

Ranger: Babe.

I guess that's a yes! Oh, crap! What did I just do? Don't get me wrong, I really, really like having sleepovers with Ranger, but unfortunately the guilt is still there (although less now that Morelli is out of the picture). But mostly, it's becoming harder and harder to manage the pain as he backs off because of his no commitment rule. I am very close to my point of no return, and I fear I won't survive another rejection.

I arrive at 5:55pm and Les steps off the elevator when I approach. "Hey, Beautiful. Whatcha doing here so late?"

"Dinner with Ranger."

"Oh, is that what you crazy kids are calling it these days?" he says with eyebrows raised.

I blush and ask, "What about you, anyone special?"

"As a matter of fact, I have been seeing the same woman for two weeks now. I'm meeting her parents in Miami next week." My jaw hits the floor. "Careful Beautiful; that'll be my screen saver if you don't close your mouth."

He walks away before I can respond and I fob my way up to the penthouse, stunned at the news from Les. I reach up to knock but the door is immediately opened by Ranger. He is wearing his normal Rangeman uniform, and it looks like he had only arrived minutes before since he still has his utility belt on. "There's wine in the fridge and Ella has already been here, so everything is in the kitchen," he says as he walks into his bedroom. Minutes later, he comes out wearing sweatpants and a grey t-shirt that says Army. I do a double take; I don't often see him in anything but black. I'm busy getting the food and bread out of the warming drawer and the wine out of the fridge. He grabs the glasses and utensils as I make my plate and we make our way to the table. "So, what's up with your hot water?" he asks after we began eating.

"Dillon said that the boiler is out, and we are waiting for the plumber. So, what's up with Les? He's been dating the same girl for two weeks and is going to meet her parents? It sounds serious."

Ranger raises an eyebrow and says, "This is the longest relationship he has ever had, and it does seem to be moving quickly."

The rest of dinner is spent enjoying Ella's scrumptious vegetarian lasagna, fresh rolls, and sorbet with fresh fruit for dessert. I love Ella! As we clean up, we settle into the living room to watch TV. Ranger and I snuggle on the couch and finally decide on a Jason Bourne movie. Before long, I start yawning and Ranger flips off the television and I find myself being guided to the bedroom. I grab my bag and start the getting ready for bed routine and Ranger takes a quick shower. We brush our teeth together and I really can't help but get sucked into the intimacy of such mundane behaviors. Before I know it, we are in bed doing everything but sleeping.

The beeping of Ranger's watch wakes me and I'm suddenly aware that I'm lying on top of one deliciously naked and fully aware Ranger. Now I have 3 choices here. 1. Go with it and make him late for his workout. 2. Race out of bed to put on every piece of clothing I have here before he is late for his workout. 3. Go into a lengthy discussion about a future and what I really want. Guess which one I picked? Call me crazy but I was finally at my end; I couldn't take one more fantastic night with the wizard without some sort of relationship. That's what Wonder Woman would do right? So here we are, in a heated discussion of what this means. At least it was heated on my side.

"I am not saying I need a ring, just a commitment. You know, making it known that we are exclusive. That we are willing to spend our free time together. That you'll let me in and maybe officially meet your family? We practically have that, anyway," I say with a raised voice.

"You know my life; I have a lot of enemies. I can't be responsible if anything were to happen to you because of me, a commitment will put a bullseye on your back" he says, his typical blank face in place. I really hate the freaking blank face!

"Bad stuff happens to me anyways. I am a stalker magnet! I get kidnapped, a lot!"

"Don't remind me."

I roll my eyes. I am beyond frustrated. "So that's it? No chance you'll change your mind?" I hold my breath.

"Not in the foreseeable future, I need to keep you safe."

Something inside me snaps and before I know it, I am screaming, with lots of my Italian hand gestures. "You don't get to keep me safe! You don't get to help me! You don't get to rescue me! You don't get to kiss me! You don't get to track me!" I take a deep breath and let it out. "I don't want to lose you as a friend, but I can't keep doing this. I can't manage my feelings for you like this. I need a change. My life has no direction. I deserve a future with someone." I say that last part in a whisper. He remains silent during my rant. His lack of an emotional outburst really does speak volumes.

I gather my stuff and prepare to leave. I look back at him as I walk to the door, turn and take a deep breath. I let it out. "I love you but if you can't give me what I need, then I need to let you go." He stands there and lets me walk right out the door, blank face still in place.

As I walk to the elevator, I hear his front door close with a click. I can't help but think of the finality of the sound. I hold back the tears all the way to the garage. Once I pull away from Haywood, I can't hold back anymore. I cry for losing my heart and soul, I cry for losing my best friend, I cry for losing my future.

I don't know how I make it home. I stay inside all day and night, alternating between sleeping and crying. Three days pass and finally, my tears run out; I couldn't cry anymore. I need to start a new life, a life moving toward where I want to be. Where exactly is that? I don't know. I have a lot of introspection and soul searching to do. What do I want out of my job, my relationships, my life? I know I need to set up boundaries with my family. I need to stop letting people define who I am and decide for myself who I want to be. I need to stop depending on other people for help. I need to do this for me. I need to leave Trenton. I can't be near Ranger and put my heart back together. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I start making a list of goals and plan out my future.

I check my phone and I see that I have several missed calls and texts. A couple from Lula asking me where I was. One was from Connie telling me that she has a couple of skips for me. The rest were from my mother. I decide that I have to pull myself together to put my plan in action.

First step, I have to put one foot in front of the other to get back out there in the land of the living. It takes everything I've got to pull it together and some days are better than others. I'm not ready to go to Rangeman, so I cancel the training that I have been doing with Woody and Ram. I just tell them I need a break and they don't question me about it. They probably know something went on but thankfully, they don't say anything. Over the coming weeks, I see the guys at the bonds office, and we exchange pleasantries. They know something bad has happened but again, they don't say anything, thank goodness.

I don't see Ranger. I refuse to call Rangeman and when they offer to help, I politely decline. During one particularly disastrous takedown, where Lula freaks out when the skip calls her fat and she goes to reach for her gun, the skip launches himself at her and we all go ass over teakettle down the front stairs. Unable to stop him, the skip grabs my keys and takes off in my not so great but functioning pos car. Unfortunately, he crashes one block later and the cavalry arrives. I've already called my dad to come pick me up when Ranger and his Merry Men arrive; I guess that I'm still being tracked and actively monitored. I make eye contact with Ranger as he heads toward me and very slightly I shake my head from side to side, conveying my feelings and he signals to his men and they wait in the wings. The good news is that Joe doesn't yell at me. Yeah, progress, right? The bad news is that it really drives home the point that I'mstill sending out distress signals. Shit.

Second step, I need to set boundaries with the people in my life. I need teach people how to treat me and respect my privacy. I gather all my trackers and my key fob and carry them around with me until I see Tank, Lester or Bobby. I don't want to go back to Haywood and risk running into Ranger. It's been a couple of months since our blow up and I've settled into a functioning numbness regarding him. It's a normal Thursday afternoon and I brought in my skip and am awaiting my check when the bonds office door opens. I turn to look and Tank and Les walk in. Les scoops me up into a big bear hug and kisses me on the cheek. "Hey Beautiful, long time no see! How are you?"

"I'm good, Les. How are you?" I ask as he places me back on my feet. I can't help but smile.

"I have some news and I think you need to sit down," he says with a sly grin. I plop onto the couch and wait for the big news.

"I'm getting married"

"WHHHAT?" My eyes widen. "That's great!" I exclaim as I jump up to hug him. "What is her name? Is this the girl who you were dating and then met her parents? Where is she from? When can I meet her? Have you set a date?"

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Calm down, Beautiful. I will answer all of your questions: Olivia, yes, Miami, soon, and yes." He continues while I process that. "We are getting married in a couple of months at a resort in the Keys. It's a private island resort and you will be getting an invite in the mail. I hope you can come," Les answers as he places me back on my feet.

I cannot hold back my enthusiasm; I give him another hug and say, "I am so excited for you! I wouldn't miss it for the world." After chatting for a few more minutes, I walk out with them and get the package out of my car. I hand Tank the bag with all the trackers and my key fob. I tell Tank, "No more tracking." He nods once in acknowledgement, and I turn to Les. "Congrats again, I am so happy for you!" I say as my smile returns. I turn and walk back into the bonds office happy that I had some good news to concentrate on.

Tank POV

When we got in the SUV Lester looks in the bag and notices the key fob and asks, "What the hell happened?"

"I have no fucking clue. Whatever it was, it happened about two months ago," I reply as I run my hand over my face. It's a nervous gesture I picked up in the army.

"I know. One day everything is running smoothly and the next day he's an ass. Short with everyone and beating the crap out of anyone and anything in his path." Lester shakes his head. "I just wish he would get is head out of his ass and make it right with Beautiful before everything goes to shit."

"He's scaring the customers. I can't take him on new client meetings. I have to do all that shit myself. Takedowns have been bad too. I have to step in before things get out of hand. We are getting some pushback for our aggressive takedowns at the TPD. Your wedding should be interesting. Hopefully we won't all get caught in the crossfire."

"Yeah," Lester says as we head back to Haywood. I am not looking forward to giving Ranger back his key fob. Fuck Me!

When I reach five, I go directly into Ranger's office. I knock once and wait for his reply. "Enter!" he barks, and I walk in. I put the bag on his desk and wait until he finishes typing to look in the bag.

"Do you want to explain that?" I ask.

"No." He goes back to typing.

"Well, it is affecting Rangeman, so you better sort your shit out."

"There is nothing to sort out." He pauses typing so he can send a don't start glare at me. I'm not one to back down, so I push.

"Bullshit. You're being an asshole right now. All of the men are avoiding you. You've been extra violent with everyone, and I believe it has to do with your relationship with Little Girl."

"I have no relationship with her!" he snarls.

"Again, Bullshit! If you have no relationship, then why are you acting this way now that it's over? Because your key fob sitting in that bag tells me that it's over and how can it be over if there was no fucking relationship to begin with?"

"You're out of line! This is none your business." He stands, making eye contact with me for the first time. I can see he is poised for a fight. I'm not interested in finding out where his breaking point is so I back down.

"Pull yourself together," I say and turn to leave. Fuck, this has clusterfuck written all over it.