Disclaimer: Everything recognizable belongs to Janet Evanovich. I am only borrowing them. Thank you for allowing us to use your amazing characters for fun!
-chapter-16 Trigger Warning: subject matter is difficult and parts of it I speak from personal experience and am in no way trivializing.
SPOV
On a quick trip to the local grocery store, I mentally put together a list of products and snacks that I need. I've been here for a month, and I'm out of a lot of stuff. I've been surviving on what I brought back on the plane from my apartment. On the way through the health and beauty aisle, I pass the pregnancy test shelves. I pause for a moment. I'm only a couple of days late and that in itself wasn't too concerning, since I had never ever once been regular. Well, at least not when I wasn't on the pill.
On impulse, I grabbed a test and put it in my cart. I have no reason for alarm, and I have no idea if Ranger used a condom or two. That night is still a complete blank. It's strange that the last time I will ever be with Ranger, I have no memory of it. I look at the test; I just want to be sure so I can put everything behind me. I also need to make an appointment with a gyno down here so I can get on birth control meds. I am sick of having periods and want them to stop or at least slow down. I have no plans to need birth control to prevent pregnancy so that isn't the issue. I'm an adult and I can eliminate my period if I want. That thought brings a smile to my face as I think of myself as a responsible adult. I'm living my life taking care of myself. I am not a burden to anyone, financial or otherwise.
I reach the checkout line and place my stuff on the belt. My thoughts turn to how amazing it is to be anonymous. If I were in Trenton, my mom would be leaving a message on my phone asking me if I'm pregnant before I even get home. I love south Florida. I leave the store and my cell beeps. I look at the message from Julie:
Julie: Hey, got any plans for the weekend? Want to hang out?
Steph: Sure, I know where I can get some cake. I am free on Sunday. Beach, lunch, shopping and dinner? Clear it with your dad.
I wake up at 7am on Tuesday morning. I've decided to take the test first thing. I remember from Mary Lou and Val that the test is more accurate then. I got the test that was supposedly accurate 4 days before a missed period so I should be good. I pee on the stick and put the cap back on and jump in the shower. I do all of my buffing, shaving and scrubbing and forget about the test. I get out of the shower, and I am scrubbing my skin dry when it catches my eye.
I stop my mechanical motions and immediately go to the test stick. I look in the window and see two pink lines. I stop breathing. My head starts spinning and I sit down on the toilet seat, putting my head between my knees. "I can handle this. I can handle this," I start chanting in my head. I sit up and the test just sits there, taunting me. Crap!
I go through the motions of getting ready for work while all sorts of thoughts flash through my brain. This is bad. I just got my life in order, what the hell? How am I going to deal with this? A baby? Me as a mother? Sharing custody. Finally, I just say "Stop! Just go to work, concentrate on your job and make an appointment with a gyno." That's all I can do. I mentally berate myself for getting into the "what if" stress. The test was probably faulty I tell myself, trying to slip into denial land. I have to wait until the doctor's appointment so no use freaking out yet right? Great, that's what I'll do. It's probably a false positive and I'll get an official test as soon as I get in.
I get ready in record time, and I spend a few minutes searching for gyno's on my phone. I leave the contact tab open, seeing that they don't open until 9am. I start work at 8, so I'll call right before I man the concierge desk at 10. I stop for a quick bagel and cup of coffee in the staff dining room at 7:45 and then make the quick trip down to reception and see Rebecca as she walks from the small parking lot on the other side of the building. She doesn't live on site, so she makes the commute from her apartment in town each day. I want to move into town as well, but I have to save more. Ugh, the thought that I may be pregnant really screws that plan. I chat with Rebecca, mostly about the upcoming Robinson wedding, and make a few mental notes to follow up on what we discussed.
I get busy with the daily tasks and when I look at the clock. I realize it's almost time to start my desk shift. I grab my phone and walk out into the parking lot away from any listening ears to have privacy for my call. I get the scheduler and ask for an appointment. I was given a date 2 months away. When I explain that I have a positive pregnancy test, she says, "Oh that changes things a little. We can still keep the appointment, but we need to figure out how far along you are. When was your last period?"
I have to think and tell her that it was 5 weeks ago. She says, "Ok, then let's get this officially confirmed since you are so early. Dr. Michaels will call in an order for a blood test at the lab. When the results are back, she'll give you a call. Once the pregnancy is confirmed, then we can go from there. Do you know where the lab is?"
I request the address and make a plan to go there today. I hang up, still holding out hope that this little complication in my life plan, is a mistake and the test I took this morning is a false positive. I can't get free to go to the lab this week; their hours are 8-4 weekdays, and I can't get away long enough to get there and get back. I don't want to explain blood work to my boss, so I have to wait until Saturday morning. I slip back into denial land and focus on my work this week. The wedding is the perfect distraction and I dive deep into the process of preparing the perfect day for the couple.
Early Saturday morning, I hop in a taxi to the lab. The timing will be tight, but if I get in and out, I can be back to the resort in time for the wedding day prep. I enter the small office in the strip mall next to an urgent care. The desk is a utilitarian and hospital-like facility and I decide I don't like labs, either. It's the smell. Labs smell just like the hospitals do.
The petite little receptionist asks my name, and I gave it to her, along with my insurance card and ID. The thought that Ranger could now track this visit has my brain momentarily frozen and I get pissed just thinking about it. He's always invaded my privacy and why would I think this would be different?
I was asked to sit, and I let my thoughts run as I wait my turn. I don't care if he knows. That won't change anything. I guess we'll find out soon. At least it'll prevent me from having to tell him if I am pregnant. Shit! I can't think like that. My thoughts are interrupted by an older woman with a lab coat on calling my name. I'm ushered back to the little cubicle and sit in the chair. I hate needles but my crazy brain is working overtime, so I barely notice the blood draw and it's over before I know it. She tells me that the results will be at my doctor in 24 hours and that I can call her then. I leave without saying anything; I'm so caught up in my internal dialogue that I just don't respond. I'm now so used to the pleasantries my job requires that I am shocked at how much this is affecting me.
I return back to the resort and stop by the staff room for a quick breakfast. I look at my choices and decide on a cup of yogurt with granola and an orange. Not my typical choice but these aren't typical times. The rest of the day was a whirlwind with the wedding activities and everything was beautiful. They happy couple are now hitched and off to celebrate with the rest of their family members headed back home.
Sunday morning arrives and I get a text that Julie is on her way. She texts me that her Dad is dropping her off but that he is not staying with us. What? Is she up to something? That increases the anxiety level up a bit. I guess, I have to be okay seeing him since he is Julie's father. It almost feels like we are sharing custody already. I have some time before Julie arrives and I want to get started on some work searches to be extra efficient or distract me of thoughts of seeing Ranger. Whatever. I sit at my desk and get the first search running when the all too familiar feeling of menstrual cramps start. I race to my toilet and make it just in time. I sit there looking at the blood with a mixture of confusion and regret. I guess as hard as I tried to tell myself I wasn't pregnant, I actually believed I was.
I place a call into the doctor's office and get her service. I explain my problem and am told that the doctor will give me a call back momentarily. Range is bringing Julie here in an hour and a half, so I hope to get this call over with before they gets here. That would be an awkward conversation in front of her!
I've just finished up the second search criteria and hit start when my phone rings. The doctor introduces herself and asks me what had happened. I explain the positive pregnancy test after being a few days late, the blood test, and that I started bleeding this morning. She asks me to hold while she checks to see it the blood test came back yet.
"Hi Stephanie. Yes, your blood test is back. It shows that your HCG level is 250. So that means you are pregnant. However, since you are having menstrual cramps and bleeding, you may still be pregnant, or you may have what is called a chemical pregnancy. That is where you have the HCG levels for a positive test but don't stay pregnant for whatever reason. I want to repeat the blood test. If it is a true pregnancy, then your HCG levels should double each day. If not, they will drop. If it is a chemical pregnancy, don't worry, it is more common that you think. Actually, most women don't even know they are pregnant, they just think their period is late. I will call in your order to the lab and then call you back when I get the results. Do you have any questions?"
I listen as I tried to absorb all of that. "No. Thank you so much for getting back to me. I will go back to the lab and wait for your call. Thank you."
I lose myself in my thoughts, back and forth, trying to see what I am hoping for. Do I really want a baby, or will I be glad that I don't have this complication in my life? Why do I feel guilty about being relieved if I am not really pregnant? Wow, I didn't see this coming. Do I want a baby? I am still going back and forth when I hear a knock at my door. I force a smile on my face and open the door to Julie and Ranger. The forced smile drops as I step aside and let them into my room. Ranger waits at the door and Julie enters and looks around my tiny living space. Dropping her bag, she gives me a big hug and squeals right in my ear. "Hello, Stephanie. I am so glad to see you!"
I smile for real and squeeze her back. "I am so glad you are here, too. You look great. Welcome to my home."
"Wow, you live here? It's like being on vacation all the time. Can I look around?"
I nod my head and she beelines right to the sliding doors and opens them. She shrieks and steps out onto the patio, no doubt looking at the water. I turn to look at Ranger and he quickly begins. "I'm just dropping Julie off. I will be in town if you need anything. I thought we could have dinner at a restaurant by the water. I made reservations at 6, if you want; I can change it or cancel altogether and you can just have dinner with Julie. It's great to see you. How have you been?" he adds never taking his eyes off me.
I can't believe he said so much to me. It's almost as if he isn't sure of himself. I wasn't expecting to see him, and I certainly don't know how to act or what to say to him. It's all very strange. My mind is still trying to process my may-be-pregnant status and I really don't want to get into that with Ranger, especially with Julie here. I prefer to wait until I know for sure. He doesn't seem to already know anything so that's promising. He is staring at me expectantly and I think quickly to answer the question he just asked.
"Um I am good. I like working here. It's keeping me really busy," I say as I still try not to make eye contact. "How have you been?" I ask.
He takes a deep breath as if he is contemplating how to phrase his answer. "Terrible. I miss you." I'm too shocked by his answer to reply, so he adds, " I have to get back on the road by 9 tonight to get Julie back home by 10. She has school tomorrow. Text me what you want to do about dinner. "
After my initial shock I am able to push my unproductive emotions down so I can focus on the day. "Dinner at 6 is fine. Julie and I are going to spend the morning at the beach and make our way into town for lunch then shop until dinner. Who is with her today?" I manage to keep my composure. This is really difficult. This is what Ranger and Rachel must have gone through right after the divorce. Sticking to safe topics like "how have you been?", asking about the weather and discussing the children.
"I'm leaving Marco here. He will take you anywhere you need to go."
"Thanks. If she needs anything, I'll call." With my reply, he walks out the door and I turn as Julie walks back inside.
"So, is everything alright?" Julie asks.
"Yep," I say popping the p. "I'm excited to hit the beach. So, do you have your swimsuit on, or do you need to change?"
She picks up her bag and walks in the bathroom. "I need to change. I'll just be a sec." I head to my drawers and pull out my bikini. Looks like I may not be wearing this for a while; I better enjoy it while I have the chance. "We only have a couple of hours at the beach. I need to change and then we can head out."
"Sounds great," Julie says as she comes out and I replace her in the bathroom. We make our way to the beach and find a couple of chairs near the water. We chat and soak up the rays until our stomachs make their presence known. Julie giggles at how loud my stomach is. "Your dad always says we have to feed the beast," I say to her. Before she gets a chance to respond I add. "Hey, guess what I got at the wedding last night?"
"Cake?" she asks hopefully. The smile on my face answers her question. We head back to my room and get the plates out of the fridge. "This should hold us until we get into town and get real food. Do you want to shower first?"
"Sure. I'm not going to wash my hair since I didn't get it wet today. I do need to get the sand off me," Julie replies. We spend the next half hour getting ready while we sipped our Cokes and ate the rest of the cake.
"By the way, this cake belonged to a Miami Heat basketball player. So, its famous cake."
She giggles. "It did taste like famous cake, didn't it?"
"Yes, but I am not that picky, I would have eaten it anyway," I admit.
We continue with the friendly banter in the car. We couldn't exactly talk about boys in front of Marco, so we keep the topics light. so, I ask her if she needed anything specific while we were shopping and she responded with a "just looking". We eat lunch at a little cafe in the shopping plaza. I still can't get over how grown-up Julie is. She's such a smart, funny, and caring young woman. I was nowhere near as mature as she is at her age.
After hours of shopping, we'd done some serious damage. I needed a few more work outfits and Julie, well, she got a little of everything. School stuff, casual stuff, dressy stuff. You name it and she was on it. We tried on lots of things outside of our comfort zone, both appreciating our different styles. The only place Julie lacks in the style department is her shoes. She is more interested in Birkenstocks than in FMP's. I guess that makes sense. She's only 14 and not ready for FMPs. She glances at her phone and asks me. "What did you want to do for dinner?"
"Oh crap! What time is it?" I ask nervously pulling at my purse to grab my phone. I had totally ignored it today I was having so much fun.
"It's 5pm," is her reply.
"Your dad got us a reservation at a place by the water at 6. Do you want to meet him there or continue our girl's day?" I'm secretly hoping that she wanted to continue our girl's day mostly because I was afraid it would be awkward with her dad.
She surprises me by saying that she wants us to have dinner with her dad because he needs cheering up. Huh. I always thought that Ranger never showed his emotions outside of anger. Wasn't he the one who decided that there was no Someday for us? Plus, wouldn't he be glad to get rid of me and all of my drama and stress and expense that I caused him? I thought he'd be relieved that I had left, and he would've moved on to his preferred solitary life. I wonder if there is something else going on?
"Sure. We can meet him. Let me text him and get the address." I say as I open my phone messaging app. "Maybe we have time for an ice cream cone before dinner. We wouldn't want to show up starved or anything," I say as I look around for the ice cream shop that I know we passed.
"I like the way you think, Steph. And I believe you are looking for that shop," Julie states as she points in the direction that we just came. "Hey, this shop is supposed to be one of those places that freezes your ice cream on the spot with liquid nitrogen. It is supposed to be way creamier than regular ice cream. We absolutely have to try this!" she says with lots of emotion.
"I totally agree. I will be the judge of whether or not this is better than regular ice cream," I say as I feel the familiar tingle on the back of my neck. I look around and see Ranger. He's smiling and shaking his head. He looks so good when he smiles, he can actually stop traffic; I've seen it happen. He walks our way and says, "I am not at all surprised to find you both here. You're going to spoil your dinner."
"Actually, Dad we are making sure our dinner doesn't spoil our ice cream." She smirks at him. "You have to try this," she says as she offers her ice cream to her him. He hesitates for a second but then surprisingly takes a lick and smiles at her.
"What flavor is this?" he asks Julie.
"Cookies and Cream," she replies as she continues working on her cone.
"It is really good," he concedes. "Better than the Superman ice cream you used to order."
She laughs. "What can I say? Superman, cotton candy, and cake batter flavored ice cream were my favorites for a long time."
"Yes, and they were awful. They were too sweet," he counters.
"Ha!" she retorts. "There is no such thing as too sweet!"
I'm enjoying watching them tease each other but it's getting close to six and I didn't know how long it's going to take us to get to dinner, so I butt in. "I hate to interrupt this important family discussion, but can we talk while we make our way to the restaurant? This ice cream is great, but I still want dinner."
"Yes" Julie agrees. "I also reserve the right to order dessert. Since this ice cream was basically flavored milk five minutes ago, it is more like a beverage so not only is milk not going to spoil anything, but we also haven't had dessert yet."
I can't hold back my bark of laughter. She is obviously not counting the four pieces of cake we ate back at my room.
"I wouldn't dream of depriving either of you of dessert. I would rather face a wild tiger than to face your wrath." He says with mock horror at the thought. We stop at his car to drop off the rest of our shopping bags. We had given Marco the bulk of our purchases, but we had found a few more things right before we found the ice cream shop.
The conversation is light as we make the quick trip to the restaurant. It's an upscale seafood place on the water like Ranger promised. It's an impressive modern glass structure that had a lot of white string lights decorating the outside patio. I couldn't imagine wanting to sit inside when the fresh salty air and the gentle wave sounds are an option. The hostess quickly shows us to our table in a secluded area with the best view of the ocean. I note that Ranger does not have his back to the wall, but I figure Marco is out there somewhere keeping watch. There's no way he would leave himself and Julie unprotected like that. After we're seated, Julie and I quickly excuse ourselves for the restroom. We continue our easy conversation as we freshen up and make it back as the waiter is bringing us our drinks.
"I ordered you a Coke," he said, looking at Julie. Turning to me he says, "And I ordered you a glass of white wine. If you want something else, please..." He gestures toward the waiter hovering to make sure the drinks are acceptable.
If I thought Ranger may have already found out about my pregnancy test, then my fears are unfounded. He'd never order me a glass of wine if he suspects I'm pregnant. I don't want to decline the drink to add any suspicion, so I say that's fine but ask for water as well.
Julie really helps with the uncomfortable tension that I feel with Ranger, and as dinner ends I realize that I've missed him a lot. I'd pushed my feelings for him away and just kept myself busy. I haven't mourned my broken heart. My heart suddenly began to ache at the thought, and I can barely keep myself from breaking down. I focus all my attention on Julie to get through dinner. Her excitement over dessert allows me the chance to pull myself together and I'm able to pretend that everything is okay.
Our car ride back to the resort is quick and before I know it, I'm being escorted to my room, alone with Ranger. At the car, Julie said her goodbyes with hugs and promises to do this again. She said that she's too tired and would wait with Marco while Ranger walks me up. The walk to my room was pretty awkward and neither of us speak. Our easy conversation and relaxed nature around each other is gone. The unbearable sexual tension has given away to just plain unbearable tension. Thank goodness we are carrying my shopping bags, so I have something to distract me. We reach the door, and he waits while I open it with my ID card. I step in and turn around. "Thank you for dinner and bringing Julie. I had a great day."
He just stares at me. I know he wants to say something, I can tell. He hasn't used his blank face all night so I wait.
"I've been thinking a lot over the past several weeks. I'm sorry I invaded your privacy; it was wrong, and I have no right. I've stopped completely. I know nothing of what is happening to you outside of what you've told me yourself. It's very hard for me. In light of that, I've come to the realization that I miss you and I want you in my life. I'm not asking you to drop everything you're doing. I'm only asking you to go on a date with me to see where this will go. Will you go on a date with me?"
When he finishes, I just stare in shock. I take in a deep breath. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I'm creating a life for myself and as much as I want this ache in my heart to stop, I don't know if I can trust him. I'll need to tell him the results of my may-be-pregnant status and I would like to do that in person. I guess I can agree to at least see him once and we can deal with whatever we have to deal with then. By the time I let it out I have my answer. "I usually have Sundays free. We can meet in town and have lunch maybe?" I'm trying to keep some boundaries and I should have known Ranger wouldn't want to just meet up.
"Can I pick you up here?" he asks.
"Sure, how about 11?" I reply. He gives me a small smile.
"I will see you next week," I say as if I am scheduling an appointment with my dentist. He nods his head and says goodbye. He waits until I close the door and locks the deadbolt in place. I walk over to my bed and flop face first in my pillow. I turn over bringing my pillow with me into my favorite thinking position. I carefully rehash every detail in my head. He acted different, he didn't have the confidence he usually has. He didn't seem to notice that I was pretending to sip my wine, or at least he didn't say anything. Not sure I would ever be able to fool Batman.
Julie kept us entertained with stories of her siblings all night. She was able to draw us into her relaxed banter. Thank goodness. I'm not hopeful about what we'll talk about when we meet next Sunday. I have to think what it is that I want from him. Do I want to try to be friends with him? I'm so confused. It doesn't matter what I want until I find out for sure if I am pregnant or not. Ugh. If I am, then that will dictate pretty much the next 18 years of my life and tie me to Ranger for that time, as well. I reluctantly get up and get ready for bed. I fear I will not be sleeping much but I go through the motions, anyway.
