Disclaimer: Everything recognizable belongs to Janet Evanovich. I am only borrowing them. Thank you for allowing us to use your amazing characters for fun!
-chapter-17
The next morning, I wake to my alarm. I tossed and turned most of the night, but I'm pretty sure I conked out around 2 am. I don't have time to waste. I have to take my lunch hour to go into town to get my blood test at the lab, so I get ready. I have a jam-packed day.
The day flies by and before I know it, I'm back in my room getting ready for bed. It's only 9pm but I'm exhausted. I guess lack of sleep will do that to me. I didn't hear from the doctor today but I wasn't expecting to. The results are probably in, but she just hasn't been notified yet. I hate waiting. I will give her until noon tomorrow then I'll start calling. I still haven't determined what I am actually hoping for. I don't think I'll be a good mom and the prospect of being a single mom scares the crap out of me. It would be so much easier if I wasn't. I am just starting to fly. But when I think of the little life that could be growing inside of me, I can't explain it. I want it. I never ever thought that I would ever feel that way. I always thought if I accidently got pregnant that it would signify my life ending. I would be sentenced to a prison term of 18 years. At least that is how I felt with Joe. The last fantasy I had before exhaustion took over was how I could have a little house near the water and raise my baby and maybe Ranger could come, too.
Tuesday dawns and I'm unaware. My alarm is snoozed a few too many times and I realize that I'm going to be late if I don't hurry. I get ready in record time and put on one of the new outfits that I purchased with Julie on Sunday. It's a chiffon sundress with cute crisscross strap that force me to wear my strapless bra. I pair the dress with cute strappy low heals in silver. I straighten my hair to save time. Yes, it takes less time to straighten than to wrangle the curls into presentable ringlets. A few coats of mascara and I'm ready to go. I only have a couple of minutes to spare, so I stop for a bagel and coffee and end up sitting at my desk right on time. Rebecca has already arrived and is at my desk within two minutes of me sitting down.
"This weekend, we have the Standfield wedding and then we will have a little break. Don't get too excited. The Standfields are a giant pain in the butt. The mom is super bossy, and the daughter is miserable. I've seen it a hundred times and it always ends in disaster. No one is happy, wait and see." Rebecca states.
"Oh, I've seen it before and know just how it ends," I respond. Rebecca gives me a quizzical look. I laugh and add, "I lived it. That would be my one and only trip down the aisle."
"So, you will know just how to relate to the bride and maybe we can salvage this thing," she counters.
"Yes, let me take care of the bride and you can have the bossy mother. I know just what to do," I reply. I'm actually very glad I have something to distract me while I wait for the call from the doctor and the upcoming date with Ranger. I let out a breath. What was I thinking? I've managed to keep myself busy these past few weeks so I didn't have to think very much about him. I was devastated when he rejected me back in Trenton all those months ago. Getting over him is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Then the wedding and being close to him brought all my emotions to the surface again. Keeping him at arm's length is torture. I can't keep doing that to myself. I take another deep breath. Probably my 50th one today and focus back on the upcoming wedding preparations. At 11:30 my phone rings. I answer. "Hello."
"Is this Stephanie Plum?" a familiar voice asks.
"Speaking," I say as my tension level peaks.
"This is Doctor Susan Michaels. I have your tests results," she pauses, and I wait. "Well, I'm sorry to say that your HCG levels did not double like expected. They actually dropped. In your case, you were likely pregnant but for whatever reason, maybe there wasn't a complete implantation or an anomaly that prevented it. This is incredibly common and if you hadn't taken that home pregnancy test when you did, you would have just assumed that your period was late and you would have never even known. We call this a chemical pregnancy and you do not need to do any follow up as far as treatment. Please don't worry about your fertility; at this point there are a lot of reasons this happens. If you want to evaluate your fertility, then we can discuss that. How long have you been trying to conceive?"
""I actually wasn't. It was a complete surprise."
"Oh, then did you want to talk about birth control options?" the doctor asks.
"Yes. I have taken the pill and found it to be a burden when I would forget or not being able to take it at the same time each day. Can I try the shot?" I question.
"Well, I can transfer you to my receptionist and she can make an appointment," she says as we wrap up our conversation.
"I already have one scheduled. Thank you for getting back to me," I say and then we exchange goodbyes and I disconnect the call. I sit back in my chair and try to reign in all of my emotions. I am stunned at how sad I am. The thought of being pregnant was scary but the shocking part is that I realized that I wanted this baby. I want to have children. This is the first time I've ever thought that. Maybe because I'm in a place where no one is shooting at me. Maybe because I'm lonely. Maybe because I want to have Ranger's baby. I am not even aware that I'm crying until I feel the tears burst through my tightly closed eyelids. The fear of wrecking my mascara is great and I sniff them back. I can cry later. I go to the bathroom and clean up the damage. Once I am presentable, I go back out just in time to see Rebecca as she heads toward the staff dining room for lunch.
I manage to keep myself busy for the rest of the day and as soon as I close the door to my room, I collapse on the bed and let my tears fall unchecked. I'm mentally exhausted from holding them in. I'm glad I grabbed a to-go dinner box as I passed so I can stay in my room the whole night. I don't want any interruptions while I cry out my tears.
What is wrong with me? I can't possibly be this sad about a baby that wasn't meant to be. I don't even want to go down the road that I cannot have children. So, I focus back on this baby and cry more. I cry for the loss of the baby and everything that goes with it. After three hours of crying, I take a shower. My appetite is nonexistent but I know if I don't eat, I will get a headache, so I shovel my dinner down, not taking the time to taste any of it.
By the time I'm done eating, I've decided to mourn the loss of my baby with something special. I am choosing to believe this was a baby and not just a chemical pregnancy and think of ways that I can pay tribute to him or her. After searching online, I find a silver heart pendant with the inscription "I will carry you with me". It is simple and plain, and I feel like it is the perfect way to remember this little one that was lost. I find a chain and pay for both. I feel a little of the weight taken off me since I have found a way to memorialize him or her. I crawl into bed exhausted from the events of the day and the lack of sleep from the last two nights.
The days take on a similar pattern and each night I fall asleep from utter exhaustion not really making a dent in my sleep deprivation. Before I know it, it's Sunday morning and Ranger is due in a couple of hours. I don't really know what his plans are for the date, but I lay out a bikini and a sundress. I am already in casual shorts and a tank so that takes care of all possibilities. That way I am covered for whatever he has plans for.
