Disclaimer: Everything recognizable belongs to Janet Evanovich. I am only borrowing them. Thank you for allowing us to use your amazing characters for fun!
-chapter-18
I answer the door on the third knock since I've been sitting on my balcony enjoying the warm sunshine and salty ocean breeze. I take in Ranger as he stands at the door. He's wearing cargo shorts in a khaki color with a yellow silky tee bringing out the golden specks in his eyes. He looks good. I step aside so he can come in and he walks into my now small room. Ranger has always dominated any space he's in, and this is no exception. I say, "Hello, welcome to my home. I'm not sure if you had the chance to look around but feel free to take a look."
"Thank you," he says as he slowly makes his way through to the balcony with me trailing behind. "I bet you spend as much time out her as you can," he says as he looks around for the water.
I smile and say, "Yes. I love it out here."
The thought of going out on a date all of a sudden seems like it's too much. I have so much to get off my chest and I don't want to have this discussion in public. I also don't want to be in my room either. I look at him and ask. "I am not sure what you have planned but I need to talk to you, and I need privacy to get it all out. Do you mind if we walk to the beach and find a secluded place to talk?
I wait for him to agree and grab my beach bag putting in two towels, my beach hat, two bottles of water, sunscreen and tissues, lots of tissues. He follows me to the beach, and we find a couple of lounge chairs and I lay out the towels for each. I remove my flip flops and Ranger does the same. We sit, looking out at the water and he waits for me to start. "I have something to tell you, but I want to ask you if you already know anything about my life here? My job? Anything?"
I chance a glance at him and surprisingly, I see a questioning look on his face. I take that as a good sign. "I know you sometimes check up on me and am hoping that you are giving me the privacy I have asked for."
"I know I've violated your trust and I'm very sorry. I haven't looked into anything regarding you since the day after Les's wedding. It was very hard for me, but I know the only way you would ever consider letting me back into your life was if I gave you your privacy. So no, I don't know what this is about," he admitted, sounding very sincere.
I take a breath and start with. "This is hard, and I will warn you I am going to cry just so you know." He turns toward me with concern in his eyes, and I look back out to the ocean. "I'm not pregnant." I take another unsteady breath. "Last Saturday, I bought a pregnancy test because I was a couple of days late. I wasn't sure if you had used a condom the last time we, ummm... Anyway, I'd stopped taking the pill since I was off men and I probably didn't share that with you. Well, it was positive, so I made an appointment with an obgyn. She ordered a blood test and I had it done. Then, the very same day, I started my period. I called the doctor back and she ordered another blood test. The numbers actually dropped, so apparently there is this thing called a chemical pregnancy. It sounds all official but what it really is, is a very early miscarriage. So, from Tuesday morning until Monday at lunch I thought I was either pregnant or maybe-pregnant. At first, I hoped the test was wrong, then I felt guilty. Then I was scared. Then I was in denial. By the time I found out I wasn't pregnant anymore, I just felt sad, really, really sad. I never wanted a baby before, and I'm scared to think of myself as a mother and it's probably mostly so I won't be alone," I ramble on. "But I realized that I do want a baby someday. Not right now when I'm getting my life together, but eventually." I pause and look at Ranger. He sits there staring at me with such concern on his face that I lose it. I start crying and can't stop. He pulls me onto his lap, and I cry harder. "I'm sorry!" I manage between sobs. "I don't know why this is affecting me like this."
He kisses the top of my head and holds me tight. I try to squirm out of his grasp, but he won't let me go.
"Tissues" I manage to get out and he releases me enough to reach into my bag for the pile I brought. I begin the embarrassing task of blowing my nose and sopping up the mess. This helps lessen the sobs and I'm calming down to a few hiccups. I have been looking down since I started crying, not being able to bring myself to look at him.
He lifts my chin up enough to briefly kiss me on the forehead before he continues so I have no choice but to stare into his eyes. "I am so sorry, Stephanie. I'm sorry for everything; I'm sorry you had to go through this alone. I'm sorry I put you in this position. I am sorry that I pushed you away. I want to be in your life. I want whatever you will give me. I can't stand to be away from you anymore. I know I have a long way to go to earn your trust and I'm willing to do whatever you need me to do. If you want a relationship, I can give you that. If you want a baby, I can give you that, too. Please, please don't tell me your done with me."
I can't believe it. I search his face and find sincerity. I find pleading. I find love. All of the things I wanted all those months ago, he is offering me right here, right now. I want to believe him. I want to trust him but what if he changes his mind again? What if he rejects me again? What will I do then?
"Why now? What's changed?" I ask, my voice cracking.
"Because I can't live without you. I have been miserable. I feel like I'm slowly dying. You are my light. You are my happiness. I want us to be together," he says, still holding my chin so I can't look away from the raw emotion on his face. "I didn't realize that until you were gone."
"I want to trust you. I want to believe you..." I begin.
"I'm not asking for you to make a decision now. I'm asking to go out with you. I want to start again. I don't want to mess it up this time. I want to get to know the new you and for you to know who I am. I'm Carlos, by the way. I don't want to be Ranger to you. I am not Batman. I make mistakes, lots of them. I can't share anything from my military service, but I am willing to share anything else. I'm willing to take the risk of letting you see the real me. What do you say? Are you willing to go out with me?" He says with all of the emotion still clearly visible on his face.
A small smile forms on my tear-streaked face. "Yes and I want to take it slow too. I don't want to mess this up either. I need you to talk to me. We need to make decisions together. I don't want to run when things get tough. I want to have a grown up relationship where we are equal. You may not like this the new independent me," I finish with a shaky voice. My first instinct is to hold back. I am not sure what to do. I guess as much as I wanted this, I didn't think it would really happen.
I wrap my arms around him and he does the same. He holds me tight and we just cling to each other like we are making up for months of misery. I have been running on emotion for too long. I'm suddenly exhausted from all of the emotions, from the sleepless nights, from everything. He notices my fatigue as and suggests that we go back to my room. He helps me up and we walk hand in hand back to my building.
Once there, I put my stuff down and say, "I'm really tired from everything. I haven't been sleeping very well. I can barely keep my eyes open. I just need a nap. You can either stay here or come back in a few hours or you can cancel our date because..."
He interrupts me with. "Can I lay down with you? I want to hold you while you sleep. I promise that nothing will happen. I really just want to hold you."
I kick my shoes off and pull back the covers before climbing into bed and holding the blankets open for him. He kicks off his shoes and joins me on the bed. I tuck myself into his side and he slides his arm under me and pulls me close. I rest my arm on his chest and tell him, "I am sorry for freaking out on you. I guess I really needed to tell someone how I was feeling in order to sort everything out. I do feel better, like I can mourn this baby and move on knowing that they existed. I am glad I at least knew about him or her."
He takes a big breath and lets it out before he begins. "It's different for men. I never felt a connection with Julie until I held her. I have listened to my sisters talk about being pregnant and I could never see it. Even with Rachel. I just never felt the connection that early. I saw how attached they became. I guess it's different when they are growing inside of you. I had heard that men become a parent the moment they hold their child, but women become a parent the moment they find out they are pregnant. Knowing that the baby is gone does make me sad, though. I never thought I would want any more children. They represent a way to get to me, another being I have to protect, and that scares me. But that being said, I love you and anything that would have been a part of us would have been worth the risk. Do you know when you would have been due?"
"I was too scared to look up anything while I was going through it. I was trying to stay in denial land until I knew for sure. After, though, I plugged in my dates and the online pregnancy calculator said March 5th. I wish there would have been a way to find out if it was a boy or girl. I really don't like saying it," I say, finding it strange to talk about the baby without crying my eyes out. "It really is such a relief to be able to talk to you about this," I add.
"You can tell me anything," he says as he punctuates that with a squeeze. "I am sorry I am ruining our date." I say with a yawn. "You haven't ruined anything. I am glad you told me. I want to be there for you." he says as I snuggle in closer. I feel so safe, like nothing can hurt me. I relax and my eyelids slowly close and I quickly drift into dreamland.
