Disclaimer: Everything recognizable belongs to Janet Evanovich. I am only borrowing them. Thank you for allowing us to use your amazing characters for fun! Thanks Again Everyone for all of the support and encouragement with me on this story. A special Thanks to Heather. Your guidance and editing skills were above and beyond! You totally made this possible.
-chapter-19
Several hours later, I wake to my stomach growling and am immediately met with a warm Ranger asking, "Time to feed the beast?" He's smiling with his eyes closed and then stretches out his arm, glancing at his watch.
"What time is it?" I ask.
"It's 5pm," he says, thankfully telling me in a time that I understand.
"I guess I really needed to sleep, too," he adds as he rolls away from me as I stretch. "I had originally made dinner reservations at 6, but I can call to push it back to 7 if you want. That way you can take your time and get ready."
Over the next hour we take turns in the shower and manage to leave on time to get to the restaurant by 7. I had a snack to keep the beast at bay. In the car, we talked about Trenton and Rangeman Miami. He asks me about my job and my specific duties. I think he is trying to assess my risk but I'm not sure. I start with the wedding part of my job, and I point out the irony of me helping with weddings when my wedding was such as disaster. He smiles. I tell him about the Standfield wedding and the mother daughter battle that was similar to my own and how I helped them from making the same mistakes my mother and I did. We keep the topics light and stick to questions about what the other person has been doing over the last few months.
"I'm proud of you, Babe," Ranger blurts out. I give him a questioning glance, so he continues. "I'm proud that you have created a new life for yourself, a new life on your terms."
I smile and respond. "I guess I needed to grow up. I was stuck. Living paycheck to paycheck, being dependent on your help, my parents' help. I was never going to have a healthy relationship unless I started taking care of myself. Not with my parents, nor with you. I was setting myself up to being a dependent and we all know how that works out." I give a rueful snort and Ranger smiles at that.
"What do you want?" Ranger asks after a lull in our conversation.
I take a deep breath and let it out not sure how to answer this. "I want to establish myself and be successful on my own. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I want to eventually move off the resort and get a place in town. I want to establish all my relationships on level ground. I want to take my job seriously and be a value to them." I finish with the determination evident in my voice. "What about you? What do you want?"
It's several minutes before he responds, and I have almost given up that he would. "I've been thinking a lot about that the last several months. I had my life planned out and was determined to live it according to that plan. That is, until a blue eyed, curly haired brunette walked into the diner that day. All my plans seemed to go up in smoke. You made me want things that weren't on my life plan. I stubbornly refused to alter the plan for you. I told myself that I didn't deserve you. I told myself that you deserved more than me. I convinced myself that I had to keep you at arm's length to protect you but that was a lie. I needed to keep you at arm's length to protect myself. I was afraid. Then you pushed me away, when you wouldn't let me help you, I told myself that it was for the best, but I was having a hard time keeping my focus on my plan. Work became unsatisfying. I didn't know what to do. Then the wedding. I couldn't believe that just seeing you again, spending time with you again, would heal my soul the way that it did. I had been searching for a way to repair my Karma and heal my soul, and I pushed away the only thing that would. Then the tracker." Ranger paused. "I regret that in my moment of weakness, I violated your trust so completely."
I was silently listening and was unaware we had arrived until we pulled up to the valet and Ranger stopped the car. "Ranger..."
"It's Carlos, please."
"Carlos. I know we have a lot more to discuss but I think we need more privacy than this restaurant will provide. So why don't we try getting to know more about each other?" I ask.
He gives me a relieved smile and replies. "That's a great idea."
After we sit, Ranger asks me about my job, again keeping the topic light. "How do you like working at the resort?"
I smile. "I love it. I love that I work in a fun environment. I love that even though weddings are a stressful event, people are generally happy. The background checks are such a small part of what I do, so there is no monotony. Every day is different, and every day is beautiful. I love that I'm a 'spy' for the resort." The word spy I say with air quotes. "I really do like it here. I like that I am no one's joke or charity case. I like that no one knows my history or gossips about me. I feel like I can just be me and that's ok."
Ranger stays quiet as I talk about my job. A couple of emotions that I believe are happiness and pride, maybe, flash on his face. I like that he's not masking his emotions. Maybe this really is Carlos? I ask him about Julie, and he admits to getting the third degree from her on what he did to screw up. I can't keep from laughing at that. I can totally see her reading Ranger the riot act. He had the decency to look guilty. "I have the feeling that Julie has been playing matchmaker, though," he says.
"Oh yeah?" I question, not at all surprised that she would do such a thing.
"Yeah, she texted me saying that she wanted to see you and that she didn't want to come down here alone. She planned the whole thing." I laughed when he told me that. Julie is such a little sneak. Remind me to thank her one day. "I realized that I had been set up when I found myself sitting in the coffee shop for hours while you and Julie went to the beach and shopped. She also sang your praises all the way home. She wasn't being subtle at all."
"She tried to find out what was wrong with us at the wedding. She knew we were avoiding each other. I didn't tell her anything. We mostly ate cake and talked about boys," I admit.
We've been sitting at our table only a few moments when our waiter arrives. Ranger looks at me and asks if I would like a glass of wine.
"Sure. White, please," as Ranger orders a bottle from the wine list. I look at Ranger and say, "You know, when we were here with Julie and you ordered me a glass of wine, that's when I knew you hadn't been checking up on me. If you knew I was pregnant, you would never have ordered it."
He looked somber for a second. "I am so sorry, Babe. I'm sorry for invading your privacy. I'm sorry you lost the baby. I'm sorry we lost the baby," he corrected. He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry for just about everything these past several months."
I reach across the table and grasp his hand. "I'm glad I got to tell you about the baby. It was very therapeutic. I still feel sad, but I also feel hopeful. You're the only one I told. I didn't even tell Mary Lou." Just then the waiter returns with our bottle of wine and goes through the motions of opening and pouring. He reads off the specials and leave us to make our choice. I use the break to change the subject. I know that we are trying to keep the topics light.
"Tell me about Rangeman Miami. Is everything set up like it is in Trenton?" I ask.
He tells me about the men, the set up, and the building. Apparently, the only difference is the uniform. All black in Miami is a bad idea. I agree; it's way too hot down here. By the way, it's an army green color. That made me smile. The waiter returns and we place our order. I get a seafood pasta covered in a white cream sauce and Ranger gets a gilled no fat salmon fillet with no fat veggies. The man still doesn't know how to eat.
Next, he tells me about his family and growing up in Newark and then Miami. He tells me about what led up to him joining the army.
We talk about my family, and I tell him about the night of Grandma's birthday party, and he laughs at the details. He admits that he was at his parent's house in Newark when he checked the tracker and wanted to see what brought me to the male review.
I tell him that I was able to stand up to my mother and that we have a better relationship because of it. I confide in him that I want to have my scar repaired and how self-conscious of it I am. He assures me that my scars don't bother him and that they never have. To him, they represent my strength and how I have endured so much.
"I'm really proud of you, the way you stood up for yourself with your mom, with me. Your job. Everything," he states after the waiter delivers our food. I can't believe those words give me so much more strength now that I actually believe them. He's said them before and although they made me feel good, I didn't really believe them. Now, I feel that I have done something to deserve them other than just luck out.
The thank you I say to him is simple and genuine. I really like this growing up thing. I like this new relationship where I am not dependent on him. He has always said "no price" and I have given my help freely but have always felt I owed him for his.
He surprises me with his next question. "Would you like to spend the weekend with me in Miami? I want to show you around Little Havana and the places where I used to hang out when I was in high school."
Holy Crap. This is a big deal. "Of course. I'd like that. I don't have a wedding this weekend, so I have the weekend off. When did you want me to come up?"
"I can come and pick you up. I have a house in Biscayne Bay. It's a little more than an hour so it's no problem. When do you have off?"
"I have my normal shift on Thursday until 4pm. I was going to run my monthly employee background searches this weekend, but I can do them in the evenings this week. I won't have to be back at work until Monday morning. What about you? What is your schedule like?"
He smiles. "Well, I have a little comp time built up so I think I will take the whole weekend off, as well." Funny, Ranger humor. He works non-stop; I'd say he has some comp time built up!
"Ranger..."
"Carlos, please."
"Er, Carlos, why did you have me listed under entertainment in your Trenton budget? That has always bothered me. It made me feel like I was a joke to you guys." I know it's sort of came out as a random question, but this is a sticking point for me. I don't want to move forward in any relationship if I am going to be a joke.
"I'm really sorry that my stupid comment made you feel that way. Originally, I wanted you to not feel bad about where the money came from. I never thought of you as a joke. I just couldn't tell you that you mean so much to me that I would pay any amount of money to keep you safe, to have you in my life. You weren't entertainment; you were my light, my happiness. I wasn't willing to admit that at the time, so I went with entertainment." He reaches for my hand across the table, and I see the sincerity in his eyes.
I think about that for several minutes. I want to make sure I have all my questions answered before I think about going forward. I don't want this to come crashing down if we can't make this work for both of us. He's certainly saying all the right things now. I guess we weren't ready before; neither of us were mature enough to admit what we wanted, or needed, to make a life together. I've loved him for a very long time, but I wasn't in any shape to offer him anything of value. I had to get my life in order before I could bring anything to the table. I guess we both weren't ready. "I want to move forward, and I need for us to be honest with each other in what we want. What we need. I don't want to hurt you or get hurt. What do you want from me?" I ask.
He ponders that for several minutes. "I want to spend time with you. I want you to trust me. I want to deserve your trust. I want you to love me. Everything else is just details."
I feel like I am dreaming. I feel like I am getting everything I have ever wanted. It doesn't seem real. I have a split second of doubt, but I quickly dismiss it. Would Wonder Woman not take this chance? No. She would definitely take this leap. Decision made.
With that, I feel like we can move forward. I'm so scared. There were so many things that were in our way before. Neither of us are good at sharing feelings. Hell, we're terrible at admitting our feelings even to ourselves. I hope we can get it together so we can make this work. Since my ultimatum, I've been focusing all my time on my self-improvement and pushed everything else aside. I wasn't really getting over him. I was staying busy, so I didn't have to think about it. I really can't imagine having to truly get over Ranger because as I now realize; I am still hopelessly in love with him.
We decide to walk around the town square for a while after dinner. The shops are closed and since I was there recently, I don't feel the need to window shop. I just enjoy the closeness of walking hand in hand with Carlos. We chat about the upcoming week at work, and I ask him about how long he's planning to stay in Miami. I really want to address the expectations that we each have about where we each want to live. I really feel the need to get some of these deal breakers taken care of sooner rather than later.
"Miami was my original plan. I changed it after agreeing to mentor my Eliza back in Trenton. Since my Eliza has decided to move to South Florida, I may be rethinking again," he says with a smile and a wink. He really is a dangerous man. "What about you? You seem to really love it here."
"I do. I finally feel like I can breathe here. Like I can be myself. I really want to stay here, but I realize that I can't ask you to make all the changes in this relationship, or whatever we're doing. I know it's not fair for me to expect you to make all the sacrifices," I admit.
"I can see that this place is good for you. I would never want to take something that important away from you. I can work at any location. Miami was my original plan. I can make this my home base. Plus, Julie is here. Les is going to be here too. Not that that should have any bearing," he jokes. God, I love when he is relaxed enough to joke around.
We continue our stroll and end up stopping in front of the ice cream shop that Julie and I went to. "Ah, they're still open!" I exclaim as I open the door to my new favorite place. I order a cookies and cream scoop on a waffle cone and offer a bite to Ranger. He takes a lick and I smile. I knew he had to like some sort of junk food. He pays for my ice cream, and we leave hand in hand. "What did you have planned for our date?" I ask as we walk.
"There is a nature area not far from here. It was either that or the turtle hospital. I know you like turtles but hospitals not so much!" he teases. "There are quite a few things to do around here. We can snorkel or scuba dive. We can take a catamaran or helicopter to look around. There are bicycling tours and lots of nature parks. We can go up and down the keys. Whatever you want."
"What would you like to do?" I counter. He thinks about it for a moment. "I actually like all of those things. I did some diving in the Rangers, so I'm certified. I would love for you to try it to see if you like it."
"I'm not sure; I'm not nearly as good a swimmer as you. I think snorkeling is hard," I admit.
"Actually, diving is easier than snorkeling. It takes less physical strength because you aren't fighting the waves. You just have to learn how to use the equipment to be safe under the water. Once you master that and get the feel for your buoyancy, it's really easy and relaxing," he assures me. I consider this as I finish my ice cream. I offer Ranger several more bites and he ends up sharing my cone. We make our way back to the valet stand and wait for the car. Once inside, we make our way back up to the resort. I sink back into the buttery leather seats and sigh contentedly. My world seems right for the first time in my life.
"What? What are you thinking about?" Ranger asks.
"I was just thinking how good everything is. How right this feels," I answer. That seems to make Ranger happy because he grabs for my hand and holds it on the center console. We stay like that for the rest of the ride back to the resort.
"Can I walk you to your room?" he asks as we pull into the employee parking lot.
"Sure, maybe you'll get lucky with a goodnight kiss," I tease. He gives me a wolf smile and looks like he is going to say something. "No, don't say anything, I should know better than to tease you."
"What?" he asks innocently, not fooling me for a second. I grab his hand and lead him to my room. Once we arrive, I open the door and pull him in after I feel his hesitancy. "I know we have more things to work out, but we don't have to pretend we don't already love each other even though this is our official first date," I state. "What time do you need to leave?"
"I don't have any outside meetings scheduled tomorrow morning. I would like to be at work at some point in the morning. What about you? How long do you have?" he counters.
"I have to be at work by 8 am tomorrow, so I usually am up by 7 at the latest."
"Are you sure you want me to stay? I know I have a long way to go to earn your trust back. I don't want to push you, and have you resent me," he insists.
"I know. I'm ok. I really am ready to start working toward a future with you. It's been an emotionally charged day and plus the last time we...you know, I was not aware of what I was doing so I would like to fix that. You know, make it my choice," I admit as I keep my eyes trained to the ground so my embarrassment isn't as evident.
"You want me bad," he states and then flashes me his wolf grin as he gathers me into his arms. He moves his arms as he puts both hands on my cheeks and pulls my face up to his to look into my eyes. He has a smile that lights up his face. "I don't have a choice. I don't deserve to be happy, but I can't push you away anymore. If you'll have me, then I'm yours. I've been yours for a long time. I love you, Stephanie Michelle Plum. I love you with everything I am. I want to be with you as long as you'll have me," he vows. I can't quite contain my reaction. I reach around his waist and pull him closer and lean into kiss him. It starts out soft, questioning, but soon escalates to frenzy. I can't stop myself. He's trying to get me to slow down, but I can't. I want him so bad that I'm going to explode. Finally, he gives up and matches my pace. Everything happens so fast that before I know it, I'm panting and sweaty laying with Ranger wrapped around me. Only necessary parts of our clothing were removed, and I'm slightly embarrassed by my lack of control. My cheeks burn and I can't even look at him.
"Hey, don't be embarrassed. I never want you to hold back on what you want. I wanted to show you how much I love you, but this works too. I love that I make you lose control," he quietly tells me as he angles my face to look at him. "You do the same to me," he admits.
I'd only turned on the bedside lamp when we arrived, so my room isn't overly bright, but I can see the love on his face. "Why don't we get ready for bed, and we can try this again, slower."
He rolls off to let me climb out of bed. As I walk into the bathroom, I realize that in the frenzied moment we didn't use a condom. I think about it and figure since I'd just finished my period and am still probably recovering from my miscarriage, one wasn't needed but I wanted to discuss this with Ranger later. After taking care of business in the bathroom, I discard what clothes I still had on and put on my robe. I pull a new toothbrush out for Ranger and a fresh set of towels. I come out of the bathroom to find him sitting on the edge of the bed. "Your turn. I l left some stuff in there for you."
He gets up and heads into the bathroom. I grab a couple of water bottles out my little fridge and climb into bed, propping myself up on my elbow. I'm trying to wrap my head around everything that's happened in the last several hours. How could I go from sad to hopeful in a matter of hours? I shake my head trying to get it all to make sense. As Ranger comes out, he flips off the lights, throwing my room into shadows. He pulls me to him and holds me while I settle into that comfortable place where my head is resting on his chest. "I really am all in. I know I've said stupid shit to you before, but I'm not playing with you. I love you," he says, and I feel it as much as I hear the words.
"I love you, too," I reply as I raise up to kiss him. He takes control and we show each other just how much love we have between us.
