Chapter 4
"Don't turn around."
Whoever had snuck up on Sora was standing behind him on the path below the boulder he sat on. His voice contradicted itself - soft and sharp. Simultaneously familiar and foreign. He seemed to be the only thing left in the world capable of making sound. The birds were hushed, the trees silent, the wind still, watching the scene unfold. Even Sora, who had always been able to find words, wasn't sure he could speak. Something told him that this wasn't the moment to steal the silence. He was to wait, even if he was impatient for the intruder to continue. When nothing followed, and his curious got the better of him, he shifted slightly, considering. Making up his mind, he started to turn his slim figure around. Despite this man's cold voice, Sora sensed, deep within him. that he was in no physical harm.
The voice stopped him, mid action.
"I know you heard me..."
As if his words controlled him, Sora snapped back to his original position, facing the green canvas of the trees beyond him. He could have disobeyed, but he saw no reason to. He had decided to play along and indulge the intruder. Just to see where this was all leading to. Why was this guy so insistent? What did he want? Play his game. Get your answer. However, Sora wasn't an idiot. He kept his battle instincts alert, prepared to defend himself if it was necessary.
He shrugged his shoulders with exaggeration. "Okay. Fine. Just tell me why. Are you going to try and overpower me while my back is turned, even though I know you're right behind me? Usually, that works better when you're silent. You're the worst mugger I've ever seen. Even though I haven't actually seen you..."
A silence. A heavy, slightly annoyed, slightly amused sigh.
"I want you to recognize me by my voice. I know you can."
That voice! Where had he heard it? It was so familiar, yet impossible to place. Like hearing the voice of a long-lost friend that you had nearly forgotten. His mind raced. Just when he though he had it, it would slip away. It was just out of his reach, and he knew it. It was teasing him, laughing, mocking him. It was so obvious, and yet so difficult. Who was it?
Mental checklist time.
Riku? No. He would have known already. Cloud? No. Leon? No. Axel? No, too dead to be talking. Any member of the Organization? Impossible. Getting closer? Yes. Donald, Goofy? No, wrong direction. Kairi, Namine? Hell no. Wrong direction again. They were too female, making it doubtable. Hayner, Pence from Twilight Town? There. That was closer... but still not it. Who was he missing?
He sighed loudly, signaling defeat. He knew who it was, but at the same time, he was lost.
"Think, Sora."
There hadn't been so much as the a sound from behind him. Whoever it was hadn't even moved his foot. Dead still.
Sora shook his head, failing to grasp the connection right in front of him. Then something hit him.
"How do you know my name if I don't know yours?" He shot a suspicious glare at the trees in front of him.
"I told you, you know my name. We're the same completely, yet absolute opposites. One soul, two hearts."
There is was. Realization. Like lightning had hit him. He knew that voice! Of course he knew that voice! How could he not know that voice? Why, exactly, they were here, lurking behind him, or all places, however, was unexplainable. Baffling. Logically, it made very little sense. It was believable, just strange. Really strange. He figured he would know soon. Questions would have answers. He could feel it. Finally.
"... So you are nobody." Sora half whispered, half spoke the sentence, his voice quivering.
A twig cracked. Light footsteps crossed the path, padded gently up the rock toward him. A shadow of a boy about his height with short, spiky hair fell upon Sora. And still he did not turn around. And still he did not look on the face of the boy. He could see it in his mind, and he didn't need to. Blonde hair instead of Sora's light brown. A smaller face. The same nose. Identical blue eyes. Except for some differences, it was like looking in a mirror. He wore a white jacket over a black shirt, black and white pants, and a select few pieces of jewelry. A checked wristband and two rings on his right hand.
"Hey. That's mean..."
Roxas sat down beside Sora, giving him an injured stare. He smiled slightly and put a hand on his shoulder. He seemed tense, as if he would rather be somewhere, doing something else, but this was more important and couldn't be avoided.
They both spoke at the same time.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Sora broke in to nervous laughter. Talking to one's Nobody was a strange thing. He was yet to get used to the sensation. He felt like he was talking to himself, and he was answering back. Creepy... he doubted he would ever adjust to it. That, and the intense guilt he was feeling at the moment made the situation somewhat nerve-wrecking.
"Sora, sorry for the dramatic entrance. Just had to. We have a lot to talk about. I know that I should have gone about showing you things in a less dramatic way, but I couldn't think of anything else. It was the only way to get your attention. "
His identical eyes bore in to the Sora's, not blinking, not moving.
"It doesn't matter though, really. What I want to know is, what are you sorry for?"
Sora opened his mouth to speak, considered, then closed it again. Really, when he thought about it, what was he sorry for? He had never done anything to Roxas that warranted a request for forgiveness. Not that he knew about, anyway. He blinked once, ending the unofficial staring contest going on between the two boys. There, he had it. He knew what he was sorry for.
"I'm sorry I called you nobody. Even if that's what you really all. But, mostly, I-I'm... sorry Axel died. I'm sorry you never got to say goodbye."
Roxas shook his head. "Yeah. But you're not sorry that it's your fault, are you?"
Taken aback, Sora let out a small gasp. He was sorry Roxas' best friend was dead. He was sorry he hadn't been about to stop it. He was sorry he hadn't done something. He would give so much up if it met that Roxas could have Axel back. But he couldn't do that. Just like he couldn't admit it was his fault when it wasn't. He couldn't apologize for something he hadn't done. He hadn't killed Axel.
"It's not my fault."
Roxas' voice was dead calm. "Axel died protecting you. You didn't stop it, even though you could have. I bet it didn't even matter that he died. I bet you just brushed it off. Just one more person falling over themselves to help you, to make you happy. It's disgusting."
It would have been better if he was yelling, screaming, instead of just sitting there, his voice almost monotonous. Underneath it all was a current of feeling that managed to break though, even if he was trying to control himself. "
"Can you even think of anyone but yourself? Just for once, couldn't you notice that the people giving their lives for you meant something to someone else? Did you even think about how broken those people would be if the one they loved was killed protecting you? No. You didn't. That makes it your fault. You had the power to stop it, and you didn't."
His words stung Sora physically. He had basically just slapped him in the face, without lifting a single finger. Without even touching him. It wasn't his fault. He hadn't wanted Axel to protect him...they could have fought together. They could have won... maybe. Maybe they should have died together. Maybe he should have died instead of Axel. Then he wouldn't be sitting here, listening to hatred flow in to him uncontrollably. Tears formed at the corners of his eyes, falling down his cheeks slowly. Beside him, Roxas was wiping a tear from his face with the back of his hand.
'No,' His mind was screaming, 'It's not your fault! You know it! You never asked anyone to help you!'
A small voice in his mind repeated Roxas' accusation, 'You never tried to stop them... never...'
He bit his lip, whimpering like a little boy, wishing desperately that Riku was here to hold him. Wishing he could make this all go away like magic... It wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault. How could Roxas even suggest that? Sora was the reason he was alive in the first place. No. No. Don't think that. Thinking that would make him selfish. Roxas was suffering. He didn't necessarily mean the things he said. He couldn't help it though. At that moment he hated Roxas, despite his pain. The feeling scared him.
Several minutes went by without either making a sound.
"Roxas..."
Sora breathed in heavily, the calming affect washing over him peacefully.
"I understand why you're blaming me. I know I would probably think that same thing at first if... " He paused, a part of him was holding back, cautioning him not to mention Riku." ...If a friend of mine died to save you. You know what though? I think Axel saved me because he recognized you in me. He said as much. He told me I reminded him of someone. That someone was you. He died because you saw you. So please, don't hate me for it."
Roxas sagged at his side, leaning against him for support. He was crying openly now, not even bothering to wipe his tears. He just didn't had enough energy left to move himself at all. Sora looked down at the boy sadly. He had every appearance of a broken little boy.
"I don't hate you... He can't be dead though. He just can't be. Nothing else matters anymore. Not without Axel. He can't be dead." His voice dropped to a pitiful whisper. "Nothing else matters without him..."
Sora's hatred crashed. Impulsively, he hugged Roxas, dimly aware that he was essentially hugging himself. This poor boy. He would give stop him from crying. It was nearly to much to take.
"Roxas...Why did you show me those memories?"
Roxas paused, pointlessly wiped a tear away, only to have it replaced by another one.
"I blamed you. So I wanted to hurt you even a fraction of how much I hurt by showing you how much I cared about him. It doesn't matter now though. He's not dead. Axel wouldn't die that easily. I don't believe it."
Poor boy... now he was in denial. Deep in denial, most likely. He wouldn't be convinced otherwise, even if Sora tried. Which he had to. Had to make him understand. All he could do was help him through it.
"Axel is dead. I saw him fade away. He's dead, Roxas. You have to move on. You can't spend your entire life feeling sorry for yourself. No one would have wanted that."
Was it insensitive to say that? Probably. Truth was always better though.
Roxas's eyes popped open. His tears stopped suddenly. His body tensed up, no longer sagging in to Sora. There was a sharper, cleared edge to his voice now. Something had changed within him.
"See? I told you he's not dead. Dead people don't just fade away. He's not dead. I just have to find him."
Surprised blinking, a labored sigh. "...Roxas..."
"You have to help me find him. Please, Sora! He's waiting for me. I know he is. I'll search forever if I have to!"
It seemed to Sora like his words, intended to help him accept it, had just made things worse. He was drenched in denial. He's just made things worse.
"Please?" Roxas grabbed his hand, begging with his shiny eyes. "I love him. I have to find him!"
What should he do? Help him? Flat out tell him no? Tell him there was no hope? He couldn't do that. Sora bit his lip, contemplating. Throughout his life, he had constantly been told that he was to nice for his own good. Countless people had told him there wasn't enough anger in his soul, that he had to much compassion for his fellow human. Again and again, he was warned that it would be the death of him. Warned that his inability so say 'no' was going to get him into a situation he didn't want to be in. The truth was, those people were probably right. He was to caring. He couldn't turn away from someone in need, even if he hated them. Not that he really hated anyone.. but still. The point was that he always had to try. Everyone needed a friend. Roxas wanted to find his. Why not help? He doubted it was a relatively dangerous mission. He had survived more perilous trips.
Still... it felt like he had barely been home. Did he really want to leave what he had behind to chase the ghost of a dead boy?
He studied Roxas' soft features, noting the pleading in his face.
"I-I'll have to think about it, okay?"
Roxas sighed and closed his eyes, looking defeated, but not helpless. He was aware that at this point, he wouldn't be able to get a promise from Sora. He just had to wait and hope Sora's kind instincts would decide for him. Just wait patiently for the verdict to be passed.
"I'm leaving now."
Roxas stood up, brushing dirt off of himself. "I don't want to bother you anymore. I'll leave you to think. Just... I need Axel, okay? You can imagine what it's like, can't you? Think seriously, please."
Sora looked up at him.
"You're me, right? Of course I can imagine. " He grinned slightly, relived the sudden intrusion on his brooding was nearly over and he could be alone in his thoughts once more.
He just needed to say one more thing... just to end this properly.
"Hey... Roxas?" He spoke to the boys retreating back, waited for him to turn around before continuing. "Whatever I decide to do...I hope you find Axel. Good luck."
Roxas turned around briefly at his words. Sora caught a small glimpse of the first real smile he had seen on Roxas in a long time before he turned back, raising a hand in recognition. He kept walking, his words floating back when he was nearly out of hearing range.
"Yeah. Me to. See you soon, Sora."
Sora studied his receding figure until it was gone. Who knows where he was going? Who knew when he'd be back? It didn't matter, really. The boy had left an unfixable impression upon Sora. There was something in him that Sora saw in himself. Downright optimism. No matter what the circumstances. Sure, he was a bit down, but that was to be expected. Given how things looked, he was more optimistic about it then Sora was.
Guilt twinged painfully in the back of his mind. That Roxas had a brighter outlook on this was obvious. He hadn't seen Axel die. He's just heard about it. Hearing and experiencing are two completely polar things. It had been wrong to give him false hope. Axel wasn't coming back.
It was like Roxas' new attitude was contagious though. He wouldn't have been able to help himself if he had wanted to. Maybe Axel wasn't dead, after all. He had just faded away. He could have gone anywhere. The possiblities were endless, and he knew that as long as they still existed, Roxas would keep searching. Maybe there was hope. Maybe he should go with him.
Another tug at his heart. Riku. How could he leave Riku? Just when things were finally starting to happen, just when feelings were finally starting to surface. He had so much left to talk about with him still, so much to explore. Officially, he didn't even understand if they were a 'couple'. What was he to Riku? Did he have trouble breathing, thinking, existing, without him like Sora did? Did he need him? He couldn't leave Riku. He needed Riku.
And the only way to find out if the feeling was mutual was to stay. Yes, the whole search for Axel had a romantic air to it. But it wasn't his love story. His was here, on this island, on this beach, under these trees, this sky. If he left it to help Roxas, he would just be a character in the background. He would be nothing. Not once, and if, Axel was found. If that happened, who would he have? Riku would here still, probably angry at him for running off, just when things were getting good.
Now was not the time to close the pages of what could become a fairy tale just to start another story. A story that really shouldn't be his. A tale he had just gotten tangled up in, unexpectadly.
He couldn't go. Couldn't leave Riku, or Kairi, or anyone else on the island. He had just gotten back. There hadn't been a single moment when he was gone that he hadn't dreamt, wished of a place like home. This was home. He belonged here. Here, where there was love and friendship and everything he could ask for. How could he say he was going with Roxas?
In his mind, he could imagine the scene. Kairi would be crying...she wouldn't want to let go of his hand. Riku would be distant, standing off to the side, his silver hair hanging over his face like a curtain, his arms crossed. At the last minute, he might whisper that he loved him, that he would give anything to have him stay. Anything.
Most likely though, he would just ruin what he was building up. He hadn't much of Kairi in the last while, she was a different girl, yet still the same. He still had so much to learn about her, about the person she was, the woman she would become. He loved her. He should stay.
What would happen with Riku and him if he left? When he came back, would things be so awkard that nothing would happen between them again? Did he love Riku? Did Riku love him?
Was a part of him still hoping that Riku would forget? Something in him telling him that being with Kairi was the right thing, was telling him to go help Roxas. Search, then come back to Kairi. By then Riku would have realized him and Sora were a mistake and Sora could be with Kairi. A happy ending. Just the way destiny had planned it.
...Riku...
He bit his lip, laid down on his back, closing his eyes from the sun. Every fiber of the rest of his being was telling him to help Roxas. Roxas would have helped him if he was in his place. He ran a hand through his thick brown hair, flipping both sides of the coin over and over in his mind.
He hopped he wouldn't regret this to much. Destiny was calling to him. He couldn't change it. If he left now, everything would be back to how it was before last night.. before he had fallen for Riku.
He pulled himself up, slipped carefully down from the rock. He had to find a way to tell Kairi and Riku that he was departing with Roxas for awhile. He had to say goodbye to the ones he loved once again.
A/N" Sorry for the delay. And the lack of Riku. xD But this part had to be written.. .and so it has been. Riku will reappear next time though! I hope I did an okay job. Hope I didn't butcher what I've had going so far. There's just been so much going on recently that I haven't had much time to write.
Still... hope it was at least marginally enjoyable. Review? 333
