Chapter 7
"Roxas!"
Sora wandered through the trees, no particular destination in mind. His hands to his mouth to amplify sound, he repeatedly called the name of the one he was searching for. With every attempt to get his query's attention, he grew more and more impatient. The faster he got this over with, the faster he could be back with Riku, and Kairi, too. The ever growing darkness was beginning to impede his vision, adding another difficulty to what should have been a simple search. Thankfully, having been here as long as he could remember, he knew the paths through the forest like the back of his hand.
He called his name again, frustrated. For someone who was waiting for an answer, he was sure making himself scarce. It was getting chilly out, the warm summer air moving away in the absence of the sun. He rubbed his arms with a gloved hand, trying to get rid of the small goose bumps forming there. If he thought he would be able to sleep tonight without accomplishing this, he would have left already. But no, he knew that if he didn't make his decision final, he would lay awake all night, drifting between his options, second-guessing his choice to stay. He wanted to help Roxas, and a part of him wanted an adventure. One last adventure without danger.
He was staying to be with Riku. Despite his mind, screaming at him, reminding him that he had a destiny with a certain auburn haired girl to fulfil, he was following his heart. After he explained this, he would go back and tell Riku he was staying for him. Tell him that, even though a part of him knew it was wrong, he was staying because he wanted to. He wanted to be with Riku. A sense of adventure, destiny, and the other half of his mortal existence wasn't going to decide different for him.
Sora looked around, his eyes gradually starting to adjust to the dimming light. He found himself back at the clearing with the boulder. Back where he had been when this all started. Possibly, if Roxas had any sense of courtesy, he would be waiting here.
"Roxas?"
The wind blew, sweeping his spiky hair in front of his eyes in reply. The silence told him that he was the only one here. No one was waiting for him in this particular corner of the world.
Time to retrace his steps. Sighing with a pang of annoyance, he headed back toward the beach. Here, away from the cloak of leaves, at least he could see. Roxas had to be somewhere around here. There was no way he would just disappear. His whole world seemed to be waiting on finding Axel. He wouldn't just leave. This was seriously rude of him.
The setting sun reflected of the small crystals of sand like a mirror. They glinted in the light. The ocean was calm, save for a small wave caused by the barely noticeable wind that had picked up. Along the beach, far enough away that only a slim black silhouette could be made out, someone stood. Their figure was distinctly male, his long hair waving back and forth in the wind. Whoever it was seemed to be staring out at the still water, unaware of the outside world.
Despite the distance between the two, Sora knew who this figure was. The tall, confident way he stood gave it away.
Riku.
What, exactly he was doing down here while he was supposed to be up there with Kairi, was yet to be determined, but would be at length. Glad to see him, and welcoming the excuse to put off looking for the absent Roxas, Sora broke in to a slow jog, yelling his name as he went.
"Hey! Surprise seeing you around here, stranger." Sora smiled as Riku turned around to see who had intruded upon his thoughts. Sora reached out both his arms, embracing him tightly around the neck.
Riku took a step back, removing Sora's hands with his own. He didn't show any of his usual signs of warm welcome. His jade eyes held none of their usual passion, instead the emotion in them was replaced with hurt. He grasped Sora's hand in his own, holding them up for a second before letting them go, his eyes never leaving Sora's.
"Riku?"
Sora's voice crescendoed in to a question mark with confusion. This wasn't normal and it scared him. He bit his lip, trying to keep himself from pouring forward every thought that was on his mind right now. Something told him to wait for Riku to speak before he said anything else.
The pale haired boy simply stared at him for awhile, his eyes taking in every detail of the younger boy. After a minute or so, he closed his eyes, sighing. Then, unexpectedly, his thoughts came pouring forth.
"What did I do to make you want to leave?"
Sora stared, expecting anything but this. It was so sudden, so random.
"What are you talking about?"
Riku averted his eyes, looking instead at the ground under his feet. His voice was muffled, barely a whisper. "You, leaving. Just tell me what I did, Sora, tell me what's going on. Please."
He was begging, pleading. All he wanted in the world was to set things right. All he wanted was to know if he was loved. He was a boy yearning for affection, scared he wasn't going to get it. Scared that something good was slipping from his grasp, just when he had gotten a taste for it.
"I understand, you want to help Roxas. You wouldn't be you if you didn't. I don't get it though, Roxas told me-"
"Wait." Sora cut him off, angry and confused. How had he found out about that? "I thought about going with Roxas, but I'm staying here. You told me to follow my heart and that's what I'm doing."
Riku looked up at him, his mouth slightly open, his eyes narrowed in befuddlement. "I... Roxas told me you were going with him."
Sora ran an hand through his hair, then looked out at the ocean, frustrated. He trusted Roxas. He didn't believe he was the type of person to do anything sly or underhanded just to get his way. Sure, he barely knew who Roxas was, but he couldn't believe he would do something like this. The edges of the puzzle didn't match. Even if the sandy haired boy would do something like that, he could see no plot here. Who would be stupid enough to think that just by creating a tale of fiction, one could make it truth? Roxas may be a million things Sora didn't know, but he wasn't dumb.
He was however, obviously a liar.
Riku had obviously been told things that troubled him. First and foremost, he had to comfort him. Riku was insecure, try as he might to hide it. He doubted himself a lot and was easily manipulated, thus causing his general mistrust for people. As a friend, Sora hated seeing him like this. As a lover, it hurt to know he had involuntarily caused it.
"I was on my way to find Roxas, so I could tell him I couldn't go."
Riku crossed his arms, shooting Sora an indecipherable expression.
"You could have talked to me about it first." An undercurrent of injury ran through his vocalization.
"I had to decide this on my own. I was going to tell you after I told Roxas what was going on. I know I should help him, but I want to stay here with you and Kairi."
Sora watched the water lap at the shore, leaving it's mark in the sand as in went back in to the ocean.
Riku nodded, smiled slightly. Internally, he was resisting the urge to run to Sora and hold him in his arms, leaving the whole situation forgotten. He wished he had the power to do that, wished his mind would just throw doubts aside and let whatever fate willed to happen, happen. He craved for a heart that didn't need total security to make things alright. A heart that wasn't scared to risk getting hurt, as long as he was happy for a little while. He wished he could trust easily, that his thoughts were never evil. The desire for a heart that didn't need to protect itself all the time was unimaginable.
But he had never been that person. He could never be that person, and so, he had to know. He had to ask.
"You saw Roxas's memories, right? You felt what he felt?"
Sora signaled positively to show that statement was correct.
"When you're around Roxas, do you ever feel what he's feeling? Can you tell what his emotions are at the moment? Not the one's he's showing. His real emotions. The ones on the inside."
The youth considered this for a moment, then nodded slowly, dubiously. "Sometimes I think I can. Mind telling me where you're going with this?" Seeing Riku, a boy habitually straight to the point, like this, alarmed him.
Riku cast his eyes downward, doing everything possible to elude from meeting his gaze. "So it is true then..." He muttered, more to himself then anyone else present.
"You didn't ever consider leaving because of what's happened between us, did you? Not even a little bit?" His voice was soft, barely above a whisper. It seemed as though he had to force the words out, like him mind was trying it's hardest to keep them within, but he had to know, he had to ask.
The brunette bit his pale pink lip, showing a sliver of straight, white teeth. "Riku I-"
The older of the pair took a deep breath before cutting him off. "Roxas said he believed that I might be the reason. I didn't believe him at first, but he said he knew because he could feel it. You just told me you feel what he feels. Maybe...maybe he wasn't lying."
Sora stuttered, unsure of what to say. He knew he should tell Riku the truth. Honesty was the only way a relationship could work, and every fiber of his being wanted this one to work. If he lied now, who could say what it would build up to? As protective of his feelings as he was, Riku had opened his heart to Sora, completely conscious of that possibility of getting hurt.
He took a deep breath, painfully aware of the sense of everything falling out of place. He had lied to Riku before, when he had been seriously considering abandoning the potential of everything they could ever have. He was an honest person, he had to confess. The weight of it would always be there, dragging him down, casting doubt on his thoughts, if he didn't. If he didn't let it out, it would sit there, growing, and he would never know if he had done the right thing by not speaking his thoughts. By letting them out, he could let them go.
Then, with a little luck, everything would fit together perfectly and never fall apart.
'Please don't let Riku hate me for this...'
He took another breath in preparation, held it for one hesitant moment, then exhaled as the lack of oxygen began to make him feel light-headed. Time to let out all the uncertainties that had plagued his thoughts since the previous night.
"Riku... I-I need you to understand, I thought I liked you for a really long time. Maybe even before we came back to the island."
"Thought?"
"I guess the thought of thinking of you as more then a friend scared me. I tried to ignore it for a really, really long time. The thing was... you seemed to return the feeling. Lately, you haven't been shy about it either. The feelings I got whenever you were near me... flirting with me... made it impossible to forget about you. Impossible for me to just consider you my best friend. And then last night, you kiss me and that scared me. Scared me because I liked it, and because I knew I wanted to try to have something with you. But then, when I was all alone, I started to think..."
Sora paused as his voice hitched in his throat. What if he was making a fatal mistake?
"It seems like so long ago, when I gave Kairi the Paopu fruit. I guess maybe it wasn't, only a little over a year. I gave it to her because I loved her and I wanted her to be with me forever. I was young. Nothing's really changed there. I can't imagine life without Kairi. I can't imagine not being with her."
"What about me?"
Sora did a double take- had there really been a quiver in Riku's voice just now? Had his hand really just flown up to his eye, as if to wipe away an oncoming tear?
"Being with her is my destiny. It's the destiny I chose. When I thought of the future, I was with her. You were always there to, but as my best friend."
Riku interrupted him once again. "And that's how you still see it, right?"
Sora shook his head slowly. "When I started to acknowledge my feelings for you, I started to see myself with you. Then you finally made a move, and I knew that this new image of the future was the one I wanted. I also realized it could never be the one I end up with. I'm bound to Kairi by destiny, and I think a part of me still wants that."
" Which is why I considered going with Roxas. I thought that when I returned... you would have forgotten about me and things would go back to normal. When I was sitting on the beach with you though, you told me to follow my heart. Doing that means being with you and forgetting my destiny. Because maybe you are my destiny. I want you to be, even if it is wrong."
Riku stared at him incredulously. "I loved you since we were kids. I just never did anything about it because it never even occurred to me that you would feel that same. We have a chance at something, and all you can tell me is that it's wrong? You're sending me so many mixed messages that I can't even tell what you're thinking anymore."
"I want a relationship with you, Riku." Sora's voice was quiet, strained. He had expected Riku to be hurt, but not angry. "I'm just scared to. I don't want to hurt Kairi."
The older boy gazed at him, his eyes flat, as if the emotion had been burned out of them. "Guess what? The sad truth is that one of us ends up hurt anyway."
Riku let it all out, everything that had come to him since Sora had admitted he was to ashamed to tell Kairi. It was the truth and, although it had never been spoken aloud, he was sure each and every one of them was aware of it. Impossible to avoid, but their fate no-the-less.
"Stop for a second, and count how many of us there are on this island. Three. An odd number. Meaning any two of us could end up falling in love and being together. If it's you and I, Kairi gets left alone. If it's you and Kairi, as your so-called destiny claims it will be, then I get hurt. Even you could end have ended up alone, if I had fallen for Kairi. One of us will end up being nothing more then the friend."
There. For as long as he could remember, this had worried him
"Luckily for you, it will be either Kairi or myself left in the cold. It's your choice. I can't force myself to love Kairi. Kairi wants to be with you anyway. And you," He stepped forward, touching Sora briefly on the cheek, before taking in his soft, vaguely feminine features. "You obviously have no clue what you want. Kairi's you're destiny, you say. Where do I fall in to this then? Am I to be the one who ends up alone?"
He finished lamely, unable to control the wavering in his voice. He could feel his heart beat increasing. His breath caught in his throat and he held in there, to scared to make a sound. As much as it hurt, the silver-haired boy had to know the truth. If destiny was what Sora longed for, then he had to know. He could never be with someone who only loved him because Riku was so fragile he was afraid to shatter him.
As long as Sora got a happy ending, it didn't matter what happened to him. If Sora was happy, then it was all right. He had always suspected Kairi and Sora would be the ones to fall in love. He had never really minded because it meant Sora would be happy.
He just hadn't expected to ever get a taste of what being with Sora was like. Now he wasn't sure how he would feel if destiny ran his course. He wasn't sure he could let go of the only existence in all the worlds that was keeping him pure.
But he couldn't force him to stay, either.
In reply to his outburst of emotion, Sora let out a frustrated groan. "Did you hear a single word of what I just said? I want a relationship with you. "
Stubbornly, Riku shook his head. "Yeah, I can really see that from the way you act." He held his words, as if expecting Sora to cut him off.
He continued. "You're ashamed of me, of us. If you had your way, you would hide our... " He searched for the right word. " overly-friendly relationship from everyone forever. You know why? Because you're scared Sora. You care to much about what people think, and if you really cared about me, you'd forget about all that. If you really cared about me, you would admit it to everyone just because you wanted them to know. How can you expect me to believe you care when you're embarrassed by me?"
His words hung suspended in the air, unanswered in the shocked silence that followed. Riku angrily steadied his hand, this time allowing himself to show tears.
'Don't brush them away. I want him to see me cry...'
Gradually, his line of vision met with Sora's face in time to see him sigh with a mixture of hurt and exasperation.
"You know what?" Sora's voice had a hardened edge to it, a dead calm tone had replaced that passion once there. "You're right. No matter what happened in the end, someone gets hurt. I didn't want Kairi to know about It yet because you think I didn't realize that? You think I'm to stupid to know how she'll react?"
The brunette's voice shook once and he inhaled deeply to shake off the doubt in his mind. They were fighting, if not now, then they would be soon. If he kept talking, saying how he really felt, then he had no idea where his hurtful words would lead. With a stab of pain, he realized he didn't care if they fought. The knowledge of knowing that, at the moment, all he wanted in the world was to make Riku understand that way he saw him, scared him. He didn't want to be unkind.
There was just no other way.
"You know what I hear when you tell me you think you'll be the one to end up alone? I hear a clingy, selfish little boy saying that if he can't get what he wants, then no one else can."
Sora took a step forward, approaching the older boy.
"I would have chosen you, Riku. As much as it would hurt Kairi, I would have chosen you. And maybe... maybe I still will, because I'm just crazy about you. Never mind that you're selfish, and spoiled and way too needy. I am just so in love you with that I don't care."
He exhaled, paused, then inhaled, giving his words time to sink in before continuing.
"You're right. I was ashamed of you. I shouldn't be gay, alright? I'm supposed to spend my entire life with Kairi. You're not Kairi. You're my best friend and I'm in love with you and that changes everything."
Flopping down on the cooling sand at his feet, unable to trust his shaking, unstable legs to support him any longer, Sora looked up at his best friend, finished his speech.
Both hated the utter drama of the moment, but knew it was to late to turn back time. Both grasped the understanding that too much had been said to just forget this had even happened.
Riku opened his mouth, snapped it shut, to stung by words to form a reply. The true power of Sora's confession was that every sentence was the truth. A selfish little boy who could never call himself a real man. That's all he was, just like he had always felt. But now, with the only person he could never live without pointing out his biggest flaw, he was to stunned to say anything.
Yet... even as he saw the truth, he couldn't control the small sliver of anger rising inside him. Here he was, laying his heart an soul out to Sora, admitting that nothing else mattered except him. It broke his heart to love the younger boy so much. It caused thick, pearly tears to form because even after everything, all he had gotten in return was a bitter-sweet answer. He hated Sora for not understanding that he couldn't live without him by his side.
He bit his lip, wishing furiously that he had never taken a leap of faith the previous night. Living with the uncertainty was like heaven compared to knowing the honest truth of Sora's feelings. He longed to have not asked, to have both of them remain ignorant of the others feelings. Things would never be that same again, they would never go back to the way they were.
All he wanted was to not have to live with the pain of knowing.
A/N: Um... not sure if any of you are really following this anymore.. but the important thing is that I finally finished this chapter. It's been sitting on my computer, about a page and a half way from being done for about a week now. So I finally forced myself to sit down and finish it... I hate writers block. Honestly, for any of you who really like this, I'm so sorry it took so long...I'll try to get the next one up soon.
Anyway, you know the drill by now. Read and review, cause comments keep me breathing.
Yavi
xoxo
