It felt like the tent had slowly closed in around me and I had to leave. The idea that Linda left my tent in a rage at Hawkeye and he left her tent with a kiss made me crazy. He was caught, his cover blown and she kissed him? I tried to see the logic in it, but it alluded me.
Since my needing to be in post-op was an outright lie, I needed to find a place to go and cool off. I decided that dipping myself in a beer at the officer's club would be the best bet.
The officer's club was almost completely empty when I pulled the door open and stepped inside. But for the one person at the bar and Igor behind it, it was a tomb. I shut the door behind me and made my way to the bar.
"BJ!" I heard a voice say.
Damn.
"What are you doing here, Linda?" I asked, pulling up a stool next to her.
She held up a glass, the contents of which slopped all over her hand. "Gardening," she replied, and began to giggle.
I had to smile. "How many have you had?"
"This is it," she replied. "I told you, I can't hold my alcohol at all. One gin and tonic and I'm soused."
"Maybe you should quit while you're still vertical," I said cautiously, but she brushed my comment off.
"Nonsense, nonsense. Now, I can drink with you and I won't be alone and that will be much better than drinking alone all by myself drinking alone and is this the single longest sentence in the world?"
Laughing, I turned to Igor. "Whatever she's having give me two."
"That's the spirit, BJ!" she said, roughly patting me on the back. "If I don't remember this in the morning, remind me how nice you were."
"So tell me, how did the confrontation with Hawkeye go?" I asked, my attempt to ease into the conversation totally failing. I accepted my drinks from Igor and turned to her.
"It was..." she trailed off. The smile melted from her face and she stared into the distance. Igor took that as his cue to sidle to the room behind the bar.
"That good, huh?" I said sympathetically.
"You know," she started, drunken demeanor completely gone. "I have been in love with Hawkeye for such a long time. But I realized tonight that I wasn't in love with him as much as I was in love with the idea of him."
"The idea of him?" I asked.
"Yeah, you know. The doctor who would do anything to save a patient. The guy who, after a long day in a hospital would still remember to bring you flowers or make you dinner or rub your feet. The man who, despite overwhelming atrocities in his life can still laugh and smile and joke. That idea."
She turned to me and laughed. "I don't expect you to understand my silly, convoluted ideas, especially when I'm in this state."
"No, I think I get it," I replied. "Besides, you're exponentially more coherent than most of the people that I drink with in here."
"You're just saying that cuz I'm pretty," she said, flipping her hair and chuckling.
"Well, you are definitely the most attractive person I've drank with in a long time," I said.
Her head jerked towards me and she looked up at me with surprise, but almost immediately dropped it into a smile. "Then again, the prettiest person you drink with is Klinger," she said.
"You caught me," I said, taking a sip of my drink. "But we've sidetracked, please continue."
"Nah," she said, taking a sip of her drink. "I've said enough. Let's talk about you."
"Me?"
"Yeah, you," she replied. "We always end up talking about me and my problems: 'Linda is the new one, let's yield the floor to her.' 'Linda has something to say, let's listen closely.' 'Linda is having an episode, let's discuss.'"
I laughed. "It's just because you're the new girl in town. You're the most fascinating person to those of us who have been here a long time."
Suddenly, her face dropped. "Did I say something wrong?" I asked.
"It's just another thing Sherry said to me," she said softly.
"What?"
"It's just...she told me that the only reason people are being so kind to me is that I have novelty, that I'm the new girl in town."
"Well, that was sweet of her," I said sarcastically.
"Just another little ditty that made me question my whole existence," she said before she downed the rest of her gin and tonic. I passed her my extra glass. "It scared the hell out of me," she continued. "The idea that my friends were only my friends because I was the new girl and that once a new jeep came I'd be cast aside."
"You had to know that it was just her way of trying to get you to conform and be like all the other nurses," I said.
"I kept thinking that, but in the back of my mind I asked myself, 'What if she's right?' That and all that stuff about Hawkeye came at me at once and then, the next thing you know I was hurling myself through the door of the swamp ready to kill him."
"And, with that in mind, you gave him a big smooch," I said, a little more resentfully than I had intended.
Despite that, she laughed. "I know, it was a dumb thing to do. But I really did appreciate all he did for me. I mean, he didn't have to take me in, show me the ropes here, introduce me to fantastic people like Radar and Klinger and you. I mean, I have the C.O. giving me Japanese fans to help me decorate my tent, I have Radar, who loves to do favors for me, Klinger sews up my fatigues when they rip, you help me pass the time in post-op, and Margaret, despite how much she pretends to hate Hawkeye, really respects him and through his recommendation she asked me to be a part of the senior nursing staff-"
"What?" I asked, jumping up out of my chair, nearly spilling my drink in the process. "You're a senior nurse now?"
"Well, after my breakdown of late, she might rescind the offer, but I am if I accept."
"Congratulations!" I screamed, hugging her. "That must feel good."
"It would if I was planning to take the position," she said quietly.
"What?"
"I don't want any more guff than I already have. Can you imagine after all that I have done to alienate myself from the other nurses how they'll respond to taking recommendations from me? They'll hate me even more. I'll never get any hot water in the showers, if we ever bug out they'll probably leave me behind, and I'll have all of that simply because Hawkeye is my friend."
"Whoa," I replied, sitting down again. "Hawkeye didn't recommend you to that post because you and he have a past. He did it because you're a great nurse. Hell, we've all broken down. It's the people who don't understand the gravity of this place that are right as rain. I mean, look at Frank-"
"Do I have to?" she asked. We laughed.
"To continue," I said. "Frank Burns has never once let the depravity in. Is that because he's stronger than us? Hell no! It's because he doesn't get it. But you, you get it. That's why you let it in. And now you can build it back up and be a stronger person for it. You never want to forget what it is, but you can't let yourself be overrun by it."
We sat in silence for a moment. She nodded solemnly and I took my drink in hand.
"That conversation got too serious for me," she said, breaking the pause.
I laughed. "And that's our sermon for today," I said, impersonating Father Mulcahy. She joined my chuckling and held her glass up for a toast.
"This is to BJ Hunnicutt: The person who always knows how to make me feel better, the person who is able to make me laugh when we're being bombed, not to mention getting bombed, and probably the nicest person in all of Korea."
"Ditto," I replied, and we drank.
