February 21st, 2005

Week 14 of pregnancy

The darkness was covering her. The familiar gloom was here. She could see herself slipping. If there wasn't a life growing inside of her, she would have picked up that familiar bottle to get rid of the cloud. But there was. There was something growing inside of her. Ray could see the cloud over Abby. Since the other week, Abby hadn't been the same.

She was sit on the window seat and just stare. She thought mostly about how awful her life was and why would she bring a child into it. Neela tried to talk her out of it, but none of it would do any good. She was in a funk that not many people could reach her in. Ray was desperate.

"Do you think she'll be mad that I invited him over?" Ray asked. Neela shrugged her shoulder.
"Who cares if she's mad. It'll be some sort of emotion." Neela said, "Frankly, I'm worried. I know she's…I don't know…had troubles but I haven't witnessed much." A knock came upon the door. Ray took in a deep breath and glanced back towards Abby's bedroom door.

"Let the fun begin." Ray opened the door and smiled at John, "Thanks for coming by."

"No problem." John removed his jacket, "How is she doing?"

"She hasn't done much of anything. I don't think she's eaten or drank much." Ray said, "I don't want her to hurt the baby."

"She wouldn't intentionally do that." John said. "She in her room?"

"Yeah. You can go right in." Ray said. John walked to Abby's bedroom and knocked on the door.

"Abby?" He walked in and shut the door behind him. Abby turned around and groaned.
"What are you doing here?" She asked him.

"Ray and Neela were worried. I was worried." John sat on her bed, "You haven't come into work this week."

"I've had a lot on my mind." Abby said looking back out the window.

"Like the shooting? Ray's fine." John said. Abby sighed.

"I know Ray's fine." She said.
"Then what is it?" John asked. Abby went silent again. "I can't read your mind."
"Thank god for that." She mumbled. John smiled as he watched her. "I want to drink, John."

"I'm sure you do. When Joshua died, it took a lot of power inside of me not to slip." He said.

"This baby hasn't died yet." Abby whispered. John frowned deeply.

"Yet? What makes you think it will?" He asked.

"Because it belongs to me." She said, "Everything I touch and love turns to shit."

"That's not true." John said.

"What kind of life can I give this baby, John?" Abby turned and looked at him, "This baby deserves a stable family."

"You can give it a stable family. From what I've seen you and Ray got what it takes." He said, "You have a roof over your head and a job."

"I know that, John, but what about the other stuff?" She asked. John sighed deeply, "I can feel it deep inside of me. I know it'll explode. I know it'll come."

"Abby, Best chances are you won't get it. It usually emerges when you're in your twenties." John said.

"Or have hormonal changes." Abby said, "And lord knows My hormones are changing."

"It won't happen to you." John said.

"Regardless, This baby could get it. Look, John, My mother and my brother both have it. They're terrible. You know they are. They are terrible people when they'd don't take their medication. This baby will be at risk." Abby said, trying not to get upset, "And look at me. I'm an alcoholic."

"A recovering alcoholic, Abby." He told her.
"This baby is going to be screwed up." She whispered.

"When Kem was pregnant with Josh, I had so many fears. I'm an addict too and I did think He would wind up one too. I thought since my brother died of cancer he would too. It's natural to have this kind of fear, Abby." John said glancing back at the door, "Out there is a man who is worried about you and the baby. He wants to provide a nice life for the two of you."

"I know he does and I thank him for that. He doesn't understand how I feel though." Abbys aid.

"Tell him." John said. Abby shook his head.

"He knows about my past." She said looking back out the window, "Whenever I close my eyes, All I can see is that gun pressed against my temple. All I can feel is that fear that was coursing through my veins."

"The two of you are fine." John said.
"I know…" Abby said. She sighed deeply and put her hand on her stomach. From beneath her touch, she could feel a small movement. It felt like there was a goldfish in there. Suddenly a smile spread across her face, "The baby…"

"What about it?" John asked.

"It moved." She turned around smiling, "I felt it move."

"Feel like a little mouse?" John asked.

"A goldfish." Abby chuckled getting up. She walked to the door and stepped out. Neela and Ray stared at her, "The baby. I felt the baby move."

"What?" Ray grinned brightly as he stood up.

"The baby moved. I felt it." She said walking over to him. She placed his hands on her stomach. "It felt like a goldfish swimming around."

"I can't feel anything." Ray said.

"Wait." Abby held her breath and pressed his hands into her bulge. Then she felt the movement again, "Right there."

"I don't feel anything." Ray sighed deeply, "It's probably too light right now. In a few weeks, I'll be able to feel it." Abby's hands dropped off of her stomach.

"It was an amazing feeling." She said. John emerged from Abby's bedroom.

"Is everything okay now?" Ray asked her. Abby glanced back at John and then back at Ray.

"It's just. I'm craving a drink and things are piling up." Abby said.

"Well, I've come to a discussion." Ray said.

"And what's that?" Abby asked as she fixed her shirt again.
"I'm not going to drink anymore." He said, "If you can't drink, I can't drink."

"Ray, you don't have to do that." Abby tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Well, I am going to do it." Ray sat back down on the couch and offered his hand to her, "I don't want to drink, especially with the baby on the way. I don't want it to see me drink. It'll be bad enough it coming into bars to see me play."

"It's bad enough I have to go into bars to see you play." Abby sat next to him. Neela looked at John and smiled.

"Thank you for coming by." She said.

"No problem." He said, "I would do anything to help Abby."
"I know that that's why I suggested you to talk to her." Neela said showing him to the door, "Do you think she should talk with a professional?" John nodded immediately.
"Yes. With a bipolar history, you should talk with someone anyway, but you know how hormones can shift things. I just… I'm worried about Post Partum. It could happen, but if we catch it before anything happens, it'll be best for her and the baby."

"Thank you again." Neela smiled. John glanced back at Ray and Abby. She was snuggled into him and his hand was resting on her stomach. Abby looked at peace again. John sighed deeply. He could remember nights of him and Kem doing just that. He wished the best for Abby. After years of disappointment, Abby deserved to have a storybook life.