1SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2003
It was a few minutes past 1 pm. Dawn, Willow, Xander and Buffy sat on the far side of the circular table in the Magic Box, resting and figuratively licking their wounds. Xander read the morning paper. "Listen to this. 'A high pressure zone created by the Santa Ana winds from the North met a low pressure zone created by El Nino from the South, creating a cyclone yesterday evening in downtown Sunnydale. The brief, localized storm caused 12 injuries, most of them minor, but did significant property damage.' So that's how they're explaining this one away." Anya walked over to them.
"Thank you for protecting my property. And saving the world. After hearing all you went through, I feel guilty for having so much fun last night while you endured so much punishment."
"It's okay Anya," Buffy told her.
"You deserved some happiness," Xander added sincerely. "Especially after what I put you through."
"Okay then. Offsetting guilt trips, everything's back in balance," Anya replied. "It was a wonderful evening, and I don't just mean the sex, which was even more spectacular than usual. We did some talking, and found out we were both really serious about being really serious. We're moving in together. And we discussed marriage, kids, growing old together, and Sterl's totally into that stuff. We realized we loved each other so much and were so happy together we never wanted to be apart."
Elijah walked into the store. "Hey everybody. By the way Willow, Zooey says hi. We hooked up and I spent last night at her place." Willow and Dawn looked quite shocked. "Jamming. I mean, on the guitar. Not, you know, the other thing it's a euphemism for." Willow breathed a big sigh of relief. "Say Dawn, Janice and Brandon plan to drive into San Diego today. They thought you might want to come along."
"Would you be going," she asked.
"Of course. I mean, if you're going?"
"Sure. I'll go."
"Cool. Wanna head over to Brandon's then?"
"I'd like that. If it's okay with Buffy."
"Absolutely. You crazy kids go on ahead." Buffy thought the more time Dawn spent with Elijah the better. A few minutes later Patrick entered, carrying three large volumes.
"You certainly look less disheveled today," Anya told him. He had shaved and fixed his hair, plus gotten a good night's sleep.
"Thank you," he responded. He put the books down on the table where Buffy, Willow and Xander sat. "I've been meaning to give these to you. Something my colleagues and I have been working on for a number of years. It's an encyclopedia of demons, organized by Linnaean classification: kingdom, phylum, class, order and so on. Makes it a lot easier to identify demons from clues or eyewitness reports. Also details weaknesses, methods of killing. The classification helps makes a big difference, cause similar demons tend to have the same abilities and vulnerabilities. Plus, the indexing's really clear. Much better than the old English texts you rely on. Just something to help you with your work."
Willow flipped through one of the volumes. "Huh. There are 14 different species of Chaos Demon. Who knew there were so many types of chaos? Ughhh. And each one disgusting in its own unique way." She showed the illustrations to Xander. He winced. Good thing Spike wasn't there to identify the species Dru left him for.
"And if there are any major calamities tonight, I'm off the clock," Patrick announced. "I have a date." Everyone looked surprised.
"You date? Women? Human woman," Anya asked.
"What other kind of women would I date," Patrick responded. "I'm not one of those deviant pervs who goes for demon women. Far as I'm concerned that's one step away from bestiality." Xander looked wounded, but was smart enough not to say anything. "But I do find time for a social life, and there do appear to be more than a few women who not only don't find me repulsive, but even find me in some way appealing. Mostly they're brainiac academic types like myself. Cute brainiacs, of course."
"You mean like Winnie," Willow asked.
"We never dated. But she was definitely my type. Anyway, there was something more important I wanted to tell you. Last night — fighting side-by-side with all of you, risking my life for some greater cause, doing things I never thought I was capable of — it was the most amazing night of my life. When we prevailed against all odds. I never felt so alive. I am so glad you let me be a part of your mission. And looking back, I realize that I never want to do it again. What you guys do, with Buffy, is exciting and thrilling and might actually seem fun to some people. But no one in their right mind would CHOOSE to do what you do. Anyone who volunteers for your gang doesn't take your job or your responsibilities seriously. You do it because you HAVE to. And that's the only valid reason for doing it.
"I reached out so I could enlighten you. I've done that. So my job with you is finished. I'll go back to doing my thing. If I come across any important info, or can assist you in any way, I'll get in touch. Otherwise, I'll be back where I belong. Hope you learned as much from me as I did from you. Any last questions you want me to answer before I head out?"
"Psalm 139," Willow said. "You never explained what that was all about."
"It's about Slayers. Least it could be. Talks about God giving humans the power to fight evil, and how humans can defeat evil, godless creatures if they follow the path of the Lord. 'Surely thou wilt slay the wicked; depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.' Bloody men, men of blood who curse God and all that is holy. Sounds a little like vampires, donchya think? There's also a line in there about God creating a human being with super powers in order to fight evil. So it might be about a Slayer. The psalm was written in the late sixth century, when Israel was ruled by the Persians. At that time, the Council was based in the Persian Empire. So it's entirely possible there was a Slayer operating in the vicinity of Jerusalem, and that her feats inspired part of the psalm."
"Oooh. So there coulda been a Jewish Slayer! One of the Tribe," Willow proudly noted.
"The Council and Israel were in the Persian Empire for 200 years. The Watchers would have called at least 50 to 100 Slayers during that period. The Jews comprised more than one-fiftieth of the population of the empire, so I would be surprised if there was NOT at least one Hebrew Slayer, just based on mathematical probability. The Persians, by the way, had a permanent effect on how Slayers and Watchers viewed their mission. The idea that you're part of a titanic struggle between good and evil, and that your actions can swing the balance towards the forces of good, that's from the Persian Council. Based on the Persian theology of Manicheism, where in the beginning there was a First Good and a First Evil, and the forces of Good and Evil have always been locked in a battle in which human beings can play a decisive role. The very idea is alien to Judaism, Christianity, Islam. After all, why would an all-powerful Deity need the help of measly humans to defeat His enemies? But it's an inspiring notion, so it's stuck.
"Before the Persians, the Council was either in Egypt or Sumeria. The Egyptians believed the Gods were kind and everyone went to Heaven. So they extolled the Slayer, told her how her premature death would be rewarded by eternal bliss in a level of the Afterlife normally reserved only for Pharaohs. The Sumerians believed the Gods were evil and cruel and everyone went the Hell. They came up with the idea that the Slayer fights a heroic but ultimately fruitless battle against demons she can never fully defeat. That's also an idea that's stuck through the ages. The Persians weren't optimists like the Egyptians or pessimists like the Sumerians. They were in the middle, and thought things could go either way. And that's what Slayers and Watchers have believed ever since."
"So, the Council hasn't had an original idea about Slayers and their mission for 2,500 years," Buffy asked.
"Nope. Does that surprise you?"
"Actually, it really doesn't," Buffy replied. "By the way, are there any more Ishtar stories that you think I might like to know about?"
"Goodie. It's storytime again," Xander said. "I mean, who doesn't like a good story about the Slayer Goddess?"
"Well, there is one you might relate to. It's not an Ishtar story so much as an Ishtar spin-off story. Any of you ever hear of the Epic of Gilgamesh?" He got blank states. "It was the first book ever written. Ever."
"I have heard of that," Willow said. "But I didn't know there was a Slayer in it."
"There is if you view Ishtar as a Slayer. See, there's this guy called Gilgamesh. He's not an ordinary guy. He's immortal, forever young and beautiful, and far stronger than any man. So he's used to getting his way. He can do whatever he pleases, hurt whomever he wants, and he can't be stopped. He takes over a town. Enslaves all the men. Sleeps with all the women. Pretty much oppresses everyone in his path. So some of the oppressed townsfolk beseech the Gods to come to their aide. The Gods don't want to get directly involved in human affairs. But they create a child called Enkidu. He's every bit as powerful as Gilgamesh, and will be able to counter Gilgamesh's power. Enkidu grows up in the wild. He spends his childhood hunting and being taught to hate Gilgamesh. When he turns 18, he goes to take on Gilgamesh. Gilgamesh meets the young man and they fight. It's close, but Gilgamesh is older and more experienced and always comes out on top in the end, but just barely. But he actually likes Enkidu. Almost thinks of him as a son. Wants to teach him the ways of civilization and be the boy's mentor. But Enkidu hates Gilgamesh, and refuses. He flees back to the wilderness.
"Gilgamesh won't give up. He knows there's something special about this boy. And he knows that sooner of later Enkidu will get strong enough to kill him. He wants to make nice with the boy before that can happen. But Enkidu hates civilization and wants no part of that world. It's complicated and noisy and it bewilders him. Gilgamesh knows how to reach a young man. He sends the most beautiful, most fashionable, most sophisticated woman in town to find Enkidu and seduce him. She finds him, he succumbs to her beauty, and he sleeps with her. Suddenly, civilization doesn't seem so bad. After some more quality time with the woman, Enkidu decides to follow her back to town.
"Now that Gilgamesh has met something that is strong enough to hurt him, he sympathizes with all the people he's hurt. He feels really guilty, and wants to change his ways. When Enkidu comes to town, Gilgamesh is elated. The two of them form an alliance for good. Together, they defeat a number of extremely powerful demons and monsters. They become the champions of the people. They start to believe that as long as they are a team nothing can stop them.
"Ishtar, the uber-Slayer, is offended by these men and their arrogance. She wants to teach them a lesson. She comes down to Earth in the form of a young woman. She confronts Gilgamesh and Enkidu, says she tougher than both of them, and that they should accept her as their superior. They scoff at this. After all, she's just a girl. They say bring it on. So Ishtar fights them. Kicks both their asses without breaking a sweat. Kills Enkidu cause he was cocky and impudent enough to talk trash to her. Takes away Gilgamesh's mortality. Then, having proven she is the best, she left. Gilgamesh was devastated. He blamed himself for getting Enkidu killed. It was like he lost his only son.
"Then he realized he was going to die. He spent a lot of time brooding and feeling sorry for himself. The only thing that made him able to live with himself was helping the helpless, protecting the townsfolk, doing good deeds for people. He tried to get his immortality back. Completed a series of trials and combats, but discovered his quest was hopeless. He was terrified by the idea of no longer existing. But then he realized celebrity was the only way people be immortal. The famous lived on in the minds of their admirers long after their deaths. So he wrote a book about his incredible life and his great deeds so that posterity would know of him. This brought him peace of mind, but he still spent a lot of time brooding, mostly over Enkidu's early death. That's the book. Plus some stuff about God creating the world in seven days and unleashing a Great Flood, stuff that found its way into the Bible. Real short, too. Only like a hundred pages."
"How does that relate to Buffy," Xander asked. "It's all about this guy who's bad and then feels guilty and broods and becomes good and gets this son from out of nowhere who tries to kill him and them likes him and then the Slayer comes down and beats them up and, oh, now I get it." He realized what Buffy and Willow already figured out: Gilgamesh was Angel, Enkidu was Connor, and of course Ishtar was Buffy. The only thing that didn't quite fit was the beautiful, fashionable older woman who devirginizes the Connor character. But no allegory is perfect. Buffy especially liked the part where Ishtar killed the brash and overconfident Enkidu.
"Say Patrick, when you talked about the Persians you sounded like you don't believe in a battle between good and evil. Am I right," Willow asked.
"I believe it's naive to think that's all there is. Living in this town makes you innocent. You don't have gangs or crime or serial killers or child molesters. Something bad happens, it's always a soulless demon who does it, or if it's a person then the person's somehow infected by demonic forces. Evil is committed by monster, and you can kill those monsters. It's like living in a fairy tale — the old-fashioned fairy tales, like the original Mother Goose stories where the kids always die and the Big Bad Wolf brutally rapes Little Red Riding Hood before devouring her. Like the world in those fairy tales, Sunnydale is scary and dangerous, but it's also simple.
"Here's what I believe: the demons left this dimension because they realized human beings were perfectly capable of destroying this world on their own. So rather than ruin it for us, they decided to sit back and watch us do it ourselves, have a good laugh. Far more humans have been killed by people than by demons. Sunnydale's a dangerous town, but I bet you feel safer here than you would in Beirut or Jerusalem. And you can't solve those cities' problems with pointy sticks. You can fight evil things, but you can't fight Evil. You can save the world, but you can't make it a better place. Though you can make your tiny piece of the world a better place. Saving the world's great, but it's what you do after that matters. Speaking of which, I have a date. Fifth-year chem grad student who just finished the first draft of her dissertation and is looking to celebrate. Guess that makes two of us."
Anya came over after helping a few customers and ringing up their purchases. "Just in case you're wondering, sex is always better after a near-death, near-apocalyptic situation."
"I was hoping that would be the case. Maybe I will come back here. Not to be part of your little gang, but to take in some more of Anya's exquisitely barbed wit. You must be a joy to hang around." Patrick waved goodbye to the Scoobies and left. Anya beamed. It was nice to hear from another person who appreciated her candor. She started happily humming to herself as she walked around the store, like some giddy little schoolgirl.
"You're unusually chipper today," Buffy told her.
"What can I say? I'm in love."
"Where is Sterling," Willow asked.
"He's here. But he's on the roof, doing some repairs."
"You're just letting some amateur poke around and play handyman," Xander asked. "You should leave that stuff to the professionals."
"Sterl is a professional. He does construction." Xander looked surprised.
"Free repairs on the weekends. This guy really is perfect," Buffy told Anya. Sterling came in from the back room. It was hot, and he had been working outside with his shirt was off. Beads of sweat ran down his chest.
"I think I got everything patched up. I'm gonna clean up and dry myself off in your bathroom," Buffy and Willow stared at him, mouths open. He walked out again. Anya looked over and Willow and Buffy.
"Buffy, you're drooling on my table."
"Uh, what? No I wasn't. There was no drooling."
"That was just shameless," Xander told the women. "Showing off like that in a public building." He was feeling a little threatened.
"Hey, if ya got it, flaunt it," Willow replied. "I'm not complaining."
"Now I completely and totally understand why you're so happy," Buffy told Anya.
"It's not like I'm jealous of him," Xander said defensively.
"It's okay. I think even Adonis would be jealous of him," Buffy replied with a sigh. "How'd you ever snag him, Anya?"
"Actually, he made the first move and came on to me. It's nice when guys don't act all coy and play hard to get and force me to make ALL the moves. Most guys, you practically have to get naked to get their attention." She glanced over at Xander. Sterling walked into the room with a t-shirt on. Anya ran over to him. Then the bell rang and door opened. "I have to go make money," she told him, and went to talk to the customer. He looked over at the table.
"Hey there Willow, Xander. How's it going?" Then he looked at Buffy. "I don't think we've met."
"I'm Buffy. You must be Sterling. It's a pleasure to finally meet you." She was batting her eyelashes and unintentionally flirting with him. He sat down at the table.
"Nice to meet you too. Did you see that thing in the paper today about what happened here last night? They actually expect people to believe that was a cyclone? Pretty obvious there was a riot or some sort of criminal rampage and the police are just covering that up cause they're embarrassed they couldn't stop it. Am I right?"
"In a very, very, very general sense, yes," Buffy replied.
"So I hear you're in construction. What particular trade," Xander asked.
"Roofing. Plus floors, tiling, carpets. And some plumbing. I work for Natale's."
"I know Vic," Xander responded. "I'm a Carpenter with Nettles."
"You're with Alan. One of the big boys. Not bad. So between you and me, with our respective skills, we could actually built most of a house. Or REBUILD most of a house, as seems to be the need around here right now."
Anya ran up the sale. "Thank you, have a nice day, please come again." They walked out, and she went over to Sterling and sat on his lap.
"How's my honey bunny," he asked.
"Happy now that you're here, gorgeous." They rubbed noses and kissed and acted all lovey-dubby. Sterling realized they had company.
"We're not grossing you guys out, are we," he asked the others.
"If we are, you can always leave," Anya said to them.
"Come on, honey bunny. I don't wanna scare your friends away."
"Sterl, darling, I thought you wanted to be alone with your love bunny."
"Plenty of time for that later. You close in a few hours, right? Then we can go back to the beach, catch another sunset."
"Promise it'll be as good as last night's sunset?"
"No. I promise it will be even better."
"Did he call you bunny," Willow asked.
"And that didn't bother you," Buffy asked.
"Why on earth would that bother me? I love it."
"I thought you were afraid of bunnies," WIllow noted.
"Afraid of bunnies? Who could be afraid of cute little bunnies? Okay, if the floor were covered with hundreds of bunnies, that might be a little scary. But when Sterl says it, that's different. It's all cute and sexy and adorable."
"Cause you're all cute and sexy and adorable," Sterling told her.
"Oooh, that's so sweet. Is it any wonder I love you so much? Now honey, what's the situation with the roof?"
"It's all taken care of. Just a few hairline fractures that go part of the way through the concrete. Nothing that would produce leaks. Not yet. Dealing with it early just saves you future headaches. And potential costs."
"And thus puts more money in my pocket." She kissed him. "You love me AND you make me money."
"Just doing what I can to help. Checking out the roof and the walls, I could see this building's taken a lot of punishment. Since there's no significant weathering, I'm guessing something happened within the last year. Something pounded this building. No significant structural damage, but something or someone gave this place a good beating."
Willow looked worried. "Was it an earthquake? It probably was an earthquake. What else could do that kind of damage?"
Sterling shook his head. "No sign of shearing stress, so it definitely wasn't earthquake damage."
"Is it serious," Anya asked. "Because if it is, I'm sure I can found out WHO caused it and make them, or possibly one of their gainfully employed friends, pay for the damage."
"I said it was taken care of, honey bunny. Good as new. Like nothing happened."
"Well then. Glad to hear that," Willow said with a sigh of relief. A customer entered. Anya got up to do her job. Sterling watched her and smiled.
"You two seem very happy together," Buffy said.
"The moment I met her, I knew there was no one else like her on Earth. I'm a lucky man." He looked over at Xander. "Say buddy, I don't mean to meddle, but Elise is wondering why you haven't called her in a while. She's worried you've lost interest, that she doesn't do it for you."
"Oh, she does it for me. She doesn't, she hasn't, not yet, but she could, and I'd like it if she did. What I mean is, I have not lost interest. Not in the least. I've just been a little busy. If you see her before I do, tell her I miss her too, and I'll be in touch. Come to think of it, I'll just call Elise right now." He left and went outside to make a call on his cell phone.
"Hi Elise. It's Xander. I've missed you a lot. How bout we get together and do something tonight?"
"I'd love to but, the thing is. I have plans."
"Plans? That's what people say when they have a date. You have a date! With someone else?"
"If I had known you'd want to go out, I wouldn't have done it. But it's been a little while, and I just assumed you didn't want us to be serious. Which is fine."
"I don't, I don't know what I want. But I like you Elise. A lot."
"I like you too, Xander. I'm sorry. It's not like I'm rejecting you. If you called me sometime this week, I'd have said yes. But you didn't."
"I know. And that was stupid of me. I'm stupid like that sometimes. Actually, I'm stupid most of the time. My fault. I shoulda called. I get that now. Maybe some other night?"
"Definitely." When he got off the phone, Xander felt awful. He didn't want to hurt Elise. But he didn't want to let her slip away either.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2003
"Working late as usual," Hendrik Hartog said to Patrick as he walked into the lab.
"That's how you make breakthroughs," Patrick responded.
"It is. And that's why you'll be a great scientist. Patrick. When you won the dissertation prize last year, we wanted to hire you. But we couldn't. The budget didn't allow for another professor. I know you could have gone somewhere else, but you didn't, and that was very honorable of you. It was also very smart. Because on Friday, I submitted my letter of resignation to the department chair. I've been here 25 years, and that's long enough. Time for me to head off into the sunset, have a little fun. And when I submitted my resignation, I also requested that the department hire you to take my place. Tenure track position of course. And Albert, being a smart man, was more than happy to oblige. So next fall, you're a professor. Congratulations Patrick. You deserve it." Hartog turned around and walked slowly to the door.
Patrick couldn't believe his good fortune. He got up and tried to think of what to say. "Henry, thank you. I'm honored. This is what I've always wanted." Hartog stopped, and stood with his back to Patrick, who was only standing three feet behind him.
"Funny thing about science. You spend years wracking your brain, searching for an answer to your questions. But the answer was usually right in front of you all along." Hartog turned around. He was a vampire. Before Gugan had time to react, he bit him in the neck.
