Happy 50th Earth Day! I always spend today outside as much as possible, but edited this while I was inside for some food. A follow up on last chapter, before we spring into all the rest again.
Of course we have our differences; you shouldn't be surprised.
It's as natural as changes in the seasons and the skies.
Sometimes we grow together; sometimes we drift apart.
A wiser man than I might know the seasons of the heart.
Paige stretched, an action cut short by a cramp in her calf. Hissing quietly, Paige curled up into the fetal position, reaching down to rub her leg. Beside her, Walter didn't stir. He was laying on his back, head tipped in her direction, one of his hands resting on his chest. She smiled at the marks she'd left there, and on his neck; she also couldn't help but run through their inventory of clothing in her head, mentally sorting what they could and could not wear until the marks disappeared
It was a relaxing morning. Music quietly playing, sun peeking through the small open area between the curtains. She was happy, sort of, but there was a small part of her restless, uneasy even. She rolled to her other side, now facing Walter, wiggling her toes hesitantly to check the progress of the cramp. She closed her eyes, wondering if she might doze off again, although realistically she knew she couldn't. She couldn't sleep unless her mind was quiet.
So I don't know how to tell you; it's difficult to say.
I never in my wildest dreams imagined it this way.
But sometimes, I just don't know you; there's a stranger in our home.
When I'm lying right beside you is when I'm most alone.
Paige wanted to get up and turn off the music. But this damn cramp. But it wasn't just the cramp, or the lyrics, giving her that unpleasant feeling. She knew that her and Walter's issues didn't just stem from her not having been laid in a while. She knew that last night wasn't a miracle cure.
And I think my heart is broken; there's an emptiness inside.
So many things I've longed for have so often been denied.
Still I wouldn't try to change you; there's no one that's to blame.
It's just some things that mean so much, and we just don't feel the same.
Love is why I came here in the first place.
Love is now the reason I must go.
Love is all I ever hoped to find here.
Love is still the only dream I know.
Paige rolled over, reached for her phone, pulled up the remote app, and turned the music off. Her tossing and turning stirred Walter, and as she turned to face him again he groaned quietly, shifting his weight, and she saw his back arc as he stretched. His eyes were still closed, and she reached over, laying a hand on his chest. "Hey."
His eyes opened, and they focused on her briefly before looking down to where her hand rested. He covered it with his own. "Morning."
"Morning." She smiled. "It was good to have time with you last night."
He rolled to his side, linking his fingers with hers. "I'd missed you. I didn't…I know it was my fault, but I didn't realize how much…" He bit his lower lip. "I'm sorry about last night, though."
"Sorry for what?" Paige cocked her head.
"I – I…I…that was far from my best performance."
An amused scoff left Paige's lips. "What, do you rank them?" He opened his mouth to answer, but she pushed him gently to his back, then leaned over him and smiled. "I have no complaints." She kissed him, settling her body on his, and he wrapped his arms around her lower back, holding her in place. She'd felt completely sated when she'd fallen asleep last night, but as they kept kissing she felt her body coming alive, awakening again as if from a hibernation, hungry and motivated.
"I want you again," she moaned as his hands slid south of her back. Walter rolled them over, pinning her beneath him, lowering his mouth to her neck. She sighed, shuddering, wrapping her legs around him and grinding her hips to his to help him along. He took a bit longer than her to be ready now; whether this was an effect of age or the head trauma Paige did not know. She slid her hands around his back, moaning quietly again.
Then his tongue ran over a sensitive spot, a mark from the previous night, and her eyes flew open. The uneasy feeling was back. The racing of her heart was no longer exhilarating, no longer felt good. "Walter, stop."
He lifted his head. "What's wrong?"
"We, I, we, I…"
He cocked his head. "Paige?"
"Get off me, please."
"I can't."
She was about to ask why not, then realized she still had a vice grip on his hips. "Sorry." She dropped her legs, sitting up, pulling the comforter around her in response to a sudden chill.
Walter scooted up to sit beside her. "What's the matter?"
She bit her upper lip, staring forward, then sighed and looked at him. "We're good at this stuff. Like, we're really good at this stuff. But Walt, we can't just have sex every time there's a problem here. It's not a miracle cure for everything we have going on outside of the bedroom."
"I know that," Walter said. "I only planned last night because I know I've been failing lately, and I wanted you to feel as loved and wanted as you are."
"I don't doubt your intentions for a moment," she said. "I promise." She reached over and took his hand. "And I love you. Impossibly much. But relationships can't work on love alone. And we've been doing something wrong."
He nodded, squeezing her hand. "We have. We've been letting stress get to us. Snarking at each other."
"Picking fights."
He nodded.
"Remember…the first time we sort of kind of admitted we had feelings for each other, and we promised no matter what we'd keep-"
"Open communication," Walter said. He chuckled. "That was…"
"It worked for a while. But then you went to the speed dating, and it made me feel a type of way, and I didn't tell you. Then flash forward a couple months and we're both dating other people. Then when we do start dating each other, you have that dream about Florence, you don't tell me, when you do tell me I don't tell you how much it bothered me and how insecure I felt. Then you don't tell me you and her went to that presentation thing…" Presentation thing. What had once been so important to her she broke up with him over it, she couldn't even remember the name of it now. "…you don't tell me, and we break up over it." She looked him in the eye. "It's this pattern we have."
"Things are always good – or fixable – when we talk to each other. But as soon as we don't…" Walter blew a raspberry and used his free hand to make a thumbs down.
She nodded. "We have to make a decision, a conscious decision, to not let communication lapse again. Ever. We won't make it if we don't keep things open. How many times over the past months have we snarked at each other? Or wanted to say something but didn't, and then it festered into something worse? We both know what we have is worth the effort. We just have to actually do it." She knew why the song that had been playing when she woke up had bothered her so much. Because she understood, and because she feared losing him so very much.
"Sometimes I worry," Walter said, "if I'll ever be self – aware enough."
"You're always self – aware enough," Paige said. "Sometimes you're just too proud to admit it. Or you overthink."
"I always have the best of intentions when I overthink," he said.
"I know." She smiled at him. "We have to work harder. No matter how long we're together, we can't take one another for granted, even for a minute, or we'll fall apart again."
"Wrong," Walter said. "When one of us is in trouble on a job? We always show up for each other. You can continue to take that for granted."
She smiled. "Okay. Deal. Same here. But when we're not seconds from disaster…" she raised her eyebrows.
"Then we don't hold anything back. If we're feeling upset, we talk about it. Insecure, talk about it. Worried, ditto." Walter kissed her cheek. "I don't know what my health will be like, or how it will change me as time passes. But you and the kids…every last effort is for the three of you."
"Same here," she said. "And, I mean, if you want to talk about how time passing changes you…" she gestured toward the dresser. "Get a load of that."
He looked confused. "What?"
Paige got out of bed, walking toward the mirror. "I mean, one look at me and you can see time has passed." She studied herself. Marks from pregnancies and childbirth. Slightly loosened skin in areas. The natural effect of gravity on a body. She still couldn't see much gray, but it was there, when she looked for it.
"Nonsense." Walter got out of bed, walking up to just behind her. "You look lovely."
"You're just saying that because I'm naked and you want to get some."
"Let's be frank for a moment," Walter said. "Who was the come-on party a few minutes ago?"
His tone was lighthearted and Paige laughed. "Fair. But Walter, I mean…I am different from when we first slept together."
"Nearly a decade of living will do that to anyone," Walter said. "I mean, you want to talk about ageing, look at me." They were standing far enough from the mirror that when Walter stepped around her, both of their reflections were fully visible from the waist up. Walter made a face. "Horrifying."
Paige snickered. "I look worse."
"No. No. Definitely me." Walter looked down at his chest, and then back in the mirror. "You did a number on me." He folded his arms over his chest, as if shy.
Paige snorted. "Now…" she pointed at his reflection, "you look like Mr. Clean. Okay but listen." She lifted an arm. "Look at how my skin is-"
"And now, if Mr. Clean may say so, you're posed like the Statue of Liberty."
Paige glanced at her reflection. He wasn't wrong. "Okay but Walter, my arms," she started to put them out to the side, then hesitated, looking at him suspiciously.
"What?" He asked.
She put her arms out. "Gravity."
"Aha!" he said with delight. "Now you're Christ the Redeemer."
"I knew you were going to say something." She rolled her eyes, failing miserably to keep a straight face. "Okay, do The Thinker."
Walter went to the edge of the bed, sitting and resting his chin in one of his hands. He held the pose for only a moment before he started to laugh, rolling off the bed and onto the floor.
Paige dropped down next to him. "I'm sorry, I don't know this one."
"Shut up," he wheezed. Paige grinned. "Hey," Walter said when he'd caught his breath. "I love you."
"Love you too," she said, both of them still grinning.
"Will you permit me one more surprise?" He said. "It's related to Ambie, and it's good."
She touched the tip of her finger to the tip of his nose. "I'll allow it."
